I Dumped The Love of My Life.

[Tziannia]

He came into my life like a storm, and wanted me fervently from the very beginning. He is a professional musician/composer/producer. He is brilliant, gentle and passionate. I met him when he came into town on tour with a band. He asked me to spend time with him while he was in town, but I refused him, as I knew he was just passing by. I don't 'sleep around'.

 

A year later, he came through town again, and I just so happened to be in the same bar with friends, who knew people in his band. He pointed me out, remembered my name, he remembered everything. I smiled at him when he said my name, and we exchanged e-mails addresses. We spoke online for months, endlessly, our passions and dreams. We realized we were incredibly similar.

 

In March of 2010, he came back to my town (6 months after our last encounter), and we decided to play a gig together (I am also a musician). We instantly fell in love. He promised to move to my town for the summer to be with me, but has to go to Calgary to compose music for a theatre production this fall. Over the winter he wants to tour North America, next summer he wants to travel, playing at various festivals. Our love for one another was profound. We are like two peas in a pod, and don't even need to talk to know and feel what the other is thinking.

 

I was reluctant to commence a relationship with him, because my feelings are so strong, and I know that his vocation will only let him stay in one place for so long, and he has the passion of travelling everywhere for work. But, he said he loved me, and wanted to be the best boyfriend anyone could ever be... And he did just that. He never once hurt me, he was in every sense of the word, a perfect boyfriend.

 

The problem is, I have a full-time very professional job, my life is very structured and predictable. I am willing to quit it to move to a bigger city to be with him, and he needs to work in bigger cities to make money. That is fine, but he is a multi-genre musician, who works on several projects. Even over the past few months, I could see his idle hands rumbling. He has been living with me since middle April, and I could feel myself getting more and more sad, as we got closer and closer.

 

Our love affair was passionate. He was gentle, caring and we had an amazing chemical connection. Right until the day I dumped him, we made passionate love until we were so tired that we couldn't any more. The weekend before I told him to leave, we made love 12 times in 48 hours.

 

What made me dump him, was realizing that he is 24, and I am 26, and he is a brilliant musician who thrives on his art. He needs it to survive, and I work in a well paying profession that is very structured, and I will never be able to 'follow him' on the road. If I did, it would only be for a month a year, maybe.

 

He loved me deeply, and never once doubted our connection. I was always the one who pushed him away. Several times throughout our short love affair, I would say "We should just end this now, it's going to be too painful when you leave in August to return to Calgary". Every time I would say that, he would say "that is reasonable... but we should just enjoy ever moment we have together". My rational, calculating nature was something he was always attracted to. He felt safe with me, protected... But it's a double edged sword.

 

Finally, on June 30th, I came home from a stressful day at work, and something in me snapped. I told him that I needed him to just leave now, so I wouldn't have to deal with one more day of his beautiful presence reminding me of the inevitable death. Just knowing that this relationship has a fleeting nature, made me sabotage it...

 

Anyways, he was devastated, but silent. He packed his bags, and I started to cry, begging him to stay. I immediately realized that he didn't need me at all, he just wanted me. I pushed him away, and he said "You made the decision, now you're forced to stick to it, you've been wavering on this relationship right from the start, and now I am going to protect myself from you, and not let us get back into this. I want to be with you, but you're too hot and cold. It's over. Don't ask me to get back together with you." He walked out that door, and hasn't wavered since.

 

 

It's been 15 days now since I told him to move out. He's still living in my town, because he has commitments for temporary work until the end of the month. We're in the same band together, but we're broken up. He hugs me everytime we see eachother, but we have awkward silence when we're alone. I desperately want him back. I truly am in love with him, and I know I hurt him, but just knowing that we are going in different directions was such a block for me... He is my soul-mate, but our future paths will divide us. Was it right for me to jump the gun, ending it before he left town? How do I ever regain his trust so that I can have an enduring love with him. I feel so immature in the way I acted. I truly love him, but this is such a painful situation. I wish he were a dentist, or an accountant, or held some other very predictable career... Sadly, with passion and excitement, comes unpredictability and my mind collapsed under the weight of my heart.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Tziannia

[usagi]

sorry to sound harsh but...you chose to finish with him over choosing to make the effort with the different; but not unheard of, lifestyles you had. Your choice at the end of the day and if he loved you then of course it's awkward between you both now.

[Tziannia]

It's so true, I chose to kill it as opposed to just making it work out. In retrospect, I have certainly learned my lesson, and now all I want to do is make sure that his feelings are taken care of, and I respect his space.

 

Perhaps one day, we can commence a relationship again, but for now, I want to get to know him on a platonic level.

 

Interestingly, just yesterday I mentioned to him that I saw a round trip ticket to Santiago, Chile for $700, and he said "Oh my God! Why don't we go? I would love to go down there with you, I speak some spanish from when I used to live in Columbia"... Later in the evening, before we were rehearsing for a performance we have this weekend, we were standing on the front porch watching the vibrant orange sky, and he was standing right behind me with his body pressed up against mine, when there was more than enough room elsewhere...

 

We are still in love... But he is very guarded. We hug and embrace eachother whenever we see eachother. We have hilarious conversations, but he is protecting himself... When I left his place last night, we did not hug goodbye, but it was a happy send off...

 

Stay tuned.

[spyyder]

From what you've said I think you'll get back together. Your breakup is very different from the rest of us, especially when your mistakes are reversible.

 

Your mistake isn't that bad, and I can see why you made it. Perhaps you didn't choose to work it because you didn't realize what you had (you only realize what you have till its gone!) and didn't realize how bad it would be without him (you only realize this when you actually do!). I think you should tell this to him.

 

When your in a relationship its easy to imagine leaving your partner, and imagine it being simple and quick. When the relationship ends, thats only when you realize that your partner was actually your other half and things just aren't as fun or great without your other half. Just tell him that you really feel like you two are a team and perhaps use a bit of logic why you two should be together - logic DOES work with us guys.

 

If he still loves you he'll eventually come back. Again, from what you've said, I really do see you two getting back with a bit of effort.

[Tziannia]

Spydder,

Thanks for the vote of confidence/understanding...

It's been 19 days since we broke up, and I still cry every day in longing for him. Last night was our last gig before he leaves my town for good on July 30th, and there isn't a reason for us to hang out before he leaves. He dropped by my house last night to pick up his suit for our gig, and we hugged each other, and chatted, but that was that. He left within 15 minutes. It was short, but very sweet.

 

At the gig last night, he was distant, partially because he was organizing the gig and trying to manage all the logistical mess... Anyways, at the end of the night, our band ended up going to another bar where he was playing a late-night set, and I watched him on stage in awe of his presence, and all my friends were there cheering him on. I looked up at him, in total admiration, appreciation, and longing but also understanding my decision to end what we had. His love for the stage is an intense one, he is the traveling musician... I could imagine myself spending many holidays without him because his career is so profound. I don't think this is selfish, I think it's selfless, because I will still love him unconditionally even if we aren't together, but this way he can make his own decisions, without having to consider me. At the crux of it, I want him to grow into a man first, on his own and then come back to me. Not that he isn't a man right now, but there is something about men in their mid-20's that is different from older men. Younger men are absolutely stricken with the passion of their dreams, and that's a wonderful thing, and until their get the "quest" out of their bodies, I think a truly deep and long lasting partnership is out of the question. In our twenties, the journey should be solo... At least for someone like him. Philosophically, I believe that we cannot truly understand what we need from a partner until we really understand ourselves, and as confident and intelligent as he is, I still believe he and I have a long road to travel before we commit to something that can be as daunting as a long term relationship. Anyways, I watched him perform on stage, then, I quietly slipped out the door without saying goodbye to him...

 

I woke up this morning and cried, knowing that now I must enter the healing phase--that phase where we cannot speak to one another. I must let him go, reflect, heal and move on with empowering my own life, and seeking strength and resolution from the fallout of my decision. When he has forgiven me for the way I was so hot-and-cold, afraid, quick to end it... Perhaps then we can speak again... As for now, though he is often quite warm and jovial--and I can feel the love, he can then get into a slump and looks incredibly sad. Watching his face go from such happiness to sadness in my presence is heartbreaking... He has said the same thing to me. Last night, when he came to get his suit before our gig, he said "I am so sorry that this is all so painful for you, I only want you to feel okay..."--we are both feeling it, but both know that I have pushed our relationship beyond foreseeable repair. He is distant, reasonably so. I just hope that in time, his love for me will outweigh the hurt I caused both of us... The thought of any other man is simply out of the question for me. I wonder how long that feeling will last. I can't even feel turned on by anything, other than the thought of him right now.

 

Both of us need to heal, reflect and consider the intensity of our love. All of our friends say that we were a 'smashing couple, soul mates, wonderfully suited'... And I am stuck on the fact that three days prior to me telling him I had to end it, he said: "I have never been this happy in my life"... And all I could do was push him away, knowing that our roads will go far far away from one another for quite a while... I know so many couples make it work, but deep down I feel he is not ready to truly understand the depth of my love and longing for him, and how hard it is, everytime, for me to see him go. I feel like I am in a stalemate, because there is no one else who has ever made me feel so alive, but loving him is the most painful experience I have ever had.

 

Time is the revelator...

 

P.S., He is the tall-dark-handsome type, and has had many lovers before me, but several times throughout our relationship he said: "you are the absolute best fit for me, sexually, I cannot believe how much you fulfill all of my sexual fantasies, when I first met you I knew it would be good, but this is astounding..." Our connection was profound sexually,

So, for a man--does that bring him back to a woman? Or does it really play that much of a role, when he gets hurt emotionally... Ha.

Edited July 19, 2010 by Tziannia