An OM Story

[Confused4Now]

Hi OM1,

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I could have written your story, except that the genders are reversed.

 

We have gone through so many iterations of breaking it off, NC, just friends, then back in a 'relationship', then deciding it was going nowhere, then NC, then back.... on and on. This last time, a couple of weeks ago, he broke it off. Predictably, a few days later he broke NC and wants me back. I think I finally overcame a hurdle, though, because (like you said) each time the pain of the 'ending it' is fresh, and it's horrible, and I cannot go through that again. It is physically and emotionally killing me.

 

Think about it... I mean, really think about this. If, at this point, she DID leave her marriage and come to you, would you be happy? Is it really what you want? I have thought about that and come to realize that really, I don't want a future with this man. I don't really trust him... I don't want to go through the endless ordeal that his divorce would be... and in your case, what about her child?

 

And do you think you would ever feel confident that even if she DID leave him and come to you, that she would not go back?? That is the only thing worse than having them refuse to leave at all. I think she (unknowingly) did you a favor by sparing you that.

 

Just keep thinking towards that time when it will no longer dominate your life. When you will be 'over' her. When you will no longer want what you thought you did. (Ironically, on down the road, when you get to that point, I'm betting that YOU will be the one saying to her "sorry, but no, I'm not interested in this anymore".)

Amen to this post...it really speaks volumes...I mean for me I walked out of my marriage. 31 months ago....and even though early on I was pining for my xMW but at the same time I was doing the work on grieving my marriage and breaking up my family. It really took time to go through all that. Fast Forward today exW and I are getting along and having a good relationship and it stays focused on the needs of our kids.

 

So I'm happy to be where I'm at with that....However I'm not so sure I'd want to be with xMW starting to go through all that crap I went through....I'm so much further down the road than her it's not even funny. When you go through all the DRAMA I did trust me you don't want to take on someone else's. So think hard cause think of what you'll be getting. Someone who's going through a divorce who still can't give herself 100% to you anyway.

[dragonwave]

Man do I feel your pain and frustration. I too was once an OM and both "free will" and "sad-in-texas" have offered very insightful advice. I cannot echo enough the time you should take to reflect on the possibility that IF she were to leave tomorrow, do you want to be entangled in the emotional rollercoaster that she will be going through in processing the divorce and re-defining her family unit. I know emotions are invested, history is there but in reality, your time together has been "stolen moments". You have not had the time to really "be" and the stolen moments do prolong the rose coloured/honeymoon/affair fog...call it what you want! From my own experience, I will add this.....you need to give some thought as to why you went down this road. I know like many of us it was unintentional and we are all good people (no judgement Man, trust me) but you need to ask yourself why did I let it go on as long as I did. Perhaps there are some things you need to deal with. In my own experience, the "why I let it go on as long as I did" was a real eye opener. Part of exploring that question entails getting real clear with yourself what YOU want in your life and is a part time love truly enough? When you figure out what you want for YOU, its alot easier to make and STICK to the right choice. I suspect by your posts you already know the answers....as they say, the answers are within us. I sincerely wish you well. take care.

[dragonwave]

ooops meant to reference Finally Free.....so sorry for referring to you as free-will. :eek:Not sure where that came from!

[OM1]

From my own experience, I will add this.....you need to give some thought as to why you went down this road. I know like many of us it was unintentional and we are all good people (no judgement Man, trust me) but you need to ask yourself why did I let it go on as long as I did. Perhaps there are some things you need to deal with. In my own experience, the "why I let it go on as long as I did" was a real eye opener.

 

Thanks again, everyone. You don't know how much this helps. Someone asked on another thread how you all can keep giving and giving even though we all just make the same mistakes 100 times over. I'm so glad that you do.

 

dragonwave - I've asked myself that question a thousand times. I even saw a counselor for a while. I still don't know the answer.

[Gfkr2]

Hi all.

 

I have read many many threads on here and find it so helpful. I noticed there are lots of OWs, but not many OMs (at least not many posting on these boards). I wanted to post my story, because I know there are other OMs reading these boards and maybe - like me before now - they are reluctant to post. That being said, I will say the gender differences hardly affect the fundamental story - I've read countless tales from OWs who describe my situation to a "T."

 

I am divorced, but I did not meet my MW until long after my divorce was finalized. I worked with her. We started out as flirtatious friends. We became very close friends and, over time, things just ratcheted up. It was a very slow process. For a long time we had an emotional relationship with limited physical interaction - well ... no sex. But that changed a few months ago. All in all, I would say this "relationship," such as it is, has been going on for 3 years.

 

It's the same old story: she's unhappily married ... she's not in love with him ... they are just roommates ... he's a good dad (they have one child) but she can't even fathom him as anything beyond that. We have everything in common. We are both in love with each other. We "get" each other. We've opened up to each other more than anyone else in our lives. She's the "one." I'm her "one." You know this story.

 

We've been together and apart countless times over these 3 years. Things would be great. Then guilt would creep in. Then the realization that we couldn't go on like this. Sometimes I ended it. Sometimes she ended it. She never even suggested she would leave her H at first. Then, in February, she decided she had to leave. Then she tried to leave. Told him she was leaving. But he begged her to stay. So she stayed. I thought that was it. I was out. I felt crushed, but somewhat relieved. It's very trying and stressful to deal with this. I was mad. SO mad.

 

But then the anger went away, and I missed her like mad. And she came calling at the same time. And it started up again. That was in June. Now we're back where we were before, but sex is also playing a factor as well, complicating things much further. It's exciting. It's perfect. (I say this with the full realization that I'm a fool and we ALL say the same thing in these situations).

 

I know this is wrong. I know this is going to end badly (heck, it's ended badly countless times). Most importantly, I realize now more than ever that SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE. They don't ever leave, do they? That's why I came here. To find some answers. To talk to people like me. To find some support (and even to accept some criticism from betrayed spouses that can remind me what a selfish ass I am). Above all, to remind me that I have to take control of this because THEY NEVER LEAVE.

 

So, thanks for listening. You all don't even know how immensely helpful your posts have helped me already.

 

OM1, sometimes they DO leave. My WW is leaving after I discoverd the A and told her there was absolutely no hope of reconsiliation. She is a 2x cheater and must have known she was playing with fire should she ever be discovered having a secret R. Well, D-day came on Fathers' Day and the rest for both of us is history. We are jointly moving forward for a divorce and begin mediation this week.

 

As was the case for me, her BH has the power to decide whether on not to seek a divorce if your A is ever discovered. I can only point to my discovery of her A as the kiss of death to a M. She probally had faint hope I would forgive her....and her assuption was dead wrong.

 

You should begin thinking what will happen when HE finds out his WW has betrayed him. He could decide to force a divorce as HIS decision, regardless of whether she wants to stay married. My WW bet "all in" with her MM after being outed. Of course, she reached this conclusion after realizing our M will over, done, finnished. Her taking this route actuall validates my decision to divorce her even after a mostly stable and happy LTM.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 11, 2010 by Gfkr2

[In_Repair]

You should begin thinking what will happen when HE finds out his WW has betrayed him. My WW bet "all in" with her MM. Of course, she reached this conclusion after realizing our M will over, done, finnished. Her going all in validates my decision to divorce her even after a stable and happy LTM.

 

Good luck.

 

That's what happened with my wife. Once the pain stops and you become indifferent to the betrayal, it's actually quite satisfying to watch. He has already called wanting to know if I knew who -man's name- was, because he found a text on her phone. He told me that she has already accused him of cheating on her with two different women. They broke up for a few weeks, and she told me that he stole money from her bank account, and that he is a compulsive liar. He called me not too long ago, on the verge of tears, and explained that she had almost ran over him while they were fighting because he tried to block her car. He also told me that she beats on him when she gets mad... which I especially enjoy, because I taught her how to fight.

[Gfkr2]

That's what happened with my wife. Once the pain stops and you become indifferent to the betrayal, it's actually quite satisfying to watch. He has already called wanting to know if I knew who -man's name- was, because he found a text on her phone. He told me that she has already accused him of cheating on her with two different women. They broke up for a few weeks, and she told me that he stole money from her bank account, and that he is a compulsive liar. He called me not too long ago, on the verge of tears, and explained that she had almost ran over him while they were fighting because he tried to block her car. He also told me that she beats on him when she gets mad... which I especially enjoy, because I taught her how to fight.

 

Thanks In Repair. I am getting to the indifferent stage. My remaining pressure point is her still playing the victim card. Can you believe a 2x cheater saying SHE is the victim?

 

I heard WW on the telephone with her female BF/main enabler & advisor. WW was thinking of strategy to force the "truth" about the A to the MM's wife. Apparently, MM's wife only knows what HE is willing to tell her. My guess is she doesn't know much, and the MM says she is just a "needy and insecure female friend who has an unhappy M". I was smiling hearing how pissed she was that MM wants to keep her away from his BS! Finally, my WW said she feels like "moving to Florida" to get away from everything. She is a drama queen and complusive liar who always ran from conflict. It looks to be an explosive combination these 2 lovers!

[In_Repair]

Thanks In Repair. I am getting to the indifferent stage. My remaining pressure point is her still playing the victim card. Can you believe a 2x cheater saying SHE is the victim?

 

Of course she feels like the victim. How else do you justify doing what she did? It can't possibly be her fault, so she convinces herself that she is the victim. The problem with that is that she was free to divorce you at any time, and there was no need to have an affair. She did it because she is selfish and wanted to keep using you while she looked for your replacement.

 

It's common man, don't sweat it. She has probably spent considerable time telling lies to everyone, including herself, and the truth is a fuzzy subject with her right now.

 

I heard WW on the telephone with her female BF/main enabler & advisor. WW was thinking of strategy to force the "truth" about the A to the MM's wife. Apparently, MM's wife only knows what HE is willing to tell her. My guess is she doesn't know much, and the MM says she is just a "needy and insecure female friend who has an unhappy M". I was smiling hearing how pissed she was that MM wants to keep her away from his BS! Finally, my WW said she feels like "moving to Florida" to get away from everything. She is a drama queen and complusive liar who always ran from conflict. It looks to be an explosive combination these 2 lovers!

 

Ahh, the partner in crime. I always wondered why my ex-wife was stupid enough to take marriage advice from a 30 year old woman working on her third husband.

[dragonwave]

dragonwave - I've asked myself that question a thousand times. I even saw a counselor for a while. I still don't know the answer

 

OM - all I can share with you is my insight to the question of why did I go down this road and why did I stay as long as I did. I will preface this by saying my affair was 6 months in comparison to the years you invested. For me, the truth of the matter is that I was not in a good place emotionally or mentally when I met her. The affair was unintentional, like many of us here but I went down that path cause in reality I was unhappy in my life and lonely. She was a distraction to the ****tiness of my life. That is not to say that I did not care for her nor that I was not attracted to her and she was merely a piece of ass....far from it. But when I stripped away the emotional part of our relationship/affair and tried to look at it factually....the truth of the matter i was lonely and it was good to have someone to love and care and offer me attention and affection. Before I know it, emotions became invested and I caught up in the whirlwind. I knew it was wrong but it was like I could not stop it and we ALL believe our situation is DIFFERENT but as the thousands of post here show...its not. Wish I had found this forum when I was going through my crap.

 

I do not mean to hijack your post. For me, I had a painful divorce - my wife walked out cause she no longer wanted to be married. It killed me to see her go and leave so easily. I thought my heart would never heal from it and then I met a wonderful woman....in hindsight, she was the best thing that ever happened to me but I chased her away. Convinced myself I could not be in another relationship when in actuality it was just my fear speaking. We had everything in common and the chemistry was there too. The next thing you know, I found myself lonely, filled with regret , guilt and ultimately frustrated and unhappy about my life. yes I am healthy, have a job, blah, blah.....but not connected with anyone in that special way. Bam - MW comes along, starts as friends - someone to hang out with and we all know the rest. So in actuality I was just as vulnerable as she was casue neither was happy where we were in our respective lives for different reasons. It does not justify the affair but by removing the emotions and looking at things factually, it helped me to see why I went down that road. I learned that the mind is a mother*&!!*&*. What we convince and rationalize to our selves is somtimes beyond comprehensible. I say this in the context that I had convinced myself I did not want a relationship, would never allow myself to be open to someone like I did my EX, would never feel that way again (hence, affair was kind of safe)....but in actuality, I do want a relationship and to be in love again and with a person where its not a secret and we can see each other whenever and wherever. My affair fiasco made me sort some things out real fast that I was avoiding and for me the greatest thing that happened had gotten away. She moved to another city, I was too late and can now see that I screwed that up royally. Not sure if this helps you at all.

 

I would suggest the book "the new psycho cybernetic" by Maxwell Maltz. It helped me tremendously to look at my own head space and refocus myself to get clear on the life I want for me (its not about infidelity). Trust me, its not a touchy feely book rather very pragmatic and the best thing I have read to date. take care.

[Confused4Now]

What's your status OM1...we are here for you....

[OM1]

Thanks C4N! I was just posting on lilbunny's thread. She inspired me to stick to my NC. I'm still sticking with it. Sad, depressed most of the time. Trying to be around friends. I just remind myself each time I feel down that this is better than before. Before I was doing the wrong thing. Before I felt awful about myself. But this is the right thing.

 

Been reading a lot of posts on this forum. Very good therapy. It's like a constant reminder that there was NOTHING special or different about the course of my A that differs from what everyone on here has gone through.

 

Thanks for checking in.

[Confused4Now]

Thanks C4N! I was just posting on lilbunny's thread. She inspired me to stick to my NC. I'm still sticking with it. Sad, depressed most of the time. Trying to be around friends. I just remind myself each time I feel down that this is better than before. Before I was doing the wrong thing. Before I felt awful about myself. But this is the right thing.

 

Been reading a lot of posts on this forum. Very good therapy. It's like a constant reminder that there was NOTHING special or different about the course of my A that differs from what everyone on here has gone through.

 

Thanks for checking in.

Which is why I asked I saw your posting. Just remember NC=no new hurts. That is a fact...yes we all miss them and if they really want to be in YOUR life they will do something about it. Keep reading and posting....this is what I did. BE STRONG!!! I'm sure she will try the minute her and hubby gets into a fight. That was the time I heard from my xMW. Just be prepared for it.

[Butterfly11]

They don't ever leave, do they? That's why I came here. To find some answers. To talk to people like me. To find some support (and even to accept some criticism from betrayed spouses that can remind me what a selfish ass I am). Above all, to remind me that I have to take control of this because THEY NEVER LEAVE.

They do, mine did.

 

I think, though I've never been there, how scary it must be to leave the comfort of the nuclear family even however complacent the relationship has become. It is a giant leap to change your life completely turning it upside down. I do believe that if she really feels you are the one, and you stop seeing her, she will leave. It may take some time. For me as the song goes...you don't know what you got until it's gone.

[dragonwave]

Hang in there. Be strong and yes, you are doing the right thing even though it feels awful. I like the notion NC= no new hurts. One day at a time and post when need be. Take care.

[siuys]

Hi OM1, sorry you're hurting. I am in a similar position. My MM has agreed to NC, but sent me an sms anyway. ie new hurt! I told him to get stuffed essentially. Of course I would love to see him, but the pain of what I went through past six months is enough to stop me. It is much better to walk away - you are not enabling the situation for her, nor for yourself. If she really WANTS to be with you, she will do something about it. If she's too chicken, then you don't want her anyway. Don't torture yourself. I have not much experience with the NC thing. My MM managed 3 days of NC then an sms. I told him to get stuffed. Hopefully that's it but i guess i must be prepared that he may contact me again. If he did, you know what, I will have less respect for him. The least he can do is leave me alone so I can heal and get on with my life while he sorts his crap life out. And yes, perhaps nothing was so frigging special after all. Hang in there OM1, know that I'm with you on the same journey!!!!! Take care!!! And if you feel pain, let the pain sit there, feel it, and it will dissipate. Day by day.