An OM Story

[OM1]

Hi all.

 

I have read many many threads on here and find it so helpful. I noticed there are lots of OWs, but not many OMs (at least not many posting on these boards). I wanted to post my story, because I know there are other OMs reading these boards and maybe - like me before now - they are reluctant to post. That being said, I will say the gender differences hardly affect the fundamental story - I've read countless tales from OWs who describe my situation to a "T."

 

I am divorced, but I did not meet my MW until long after my divorce was finalized. I worked with her. We started out as flirtatious friends. We became very close friends and, over time, things just ratcheted up. It was a very slow process. For a long time we had an emotional relationship with limited physical interaction - well ... no sex. But that changed a few months ago. All in all, I would say this "relationship," such as it is, has been going on for 3 years.

 

It's the same old story: she's unhappily married ... she's not in love with him ... they are just roommates ... he's a good dad (they have one child) but she can't even fathom him as anything beyond that. We have everything in common. We are both in love with each other. We "get" each other. We've opened up to each other more than anyone else in our lives. She's the "one." I'm her "one." You know this story.

 

We've been together and apart countless times over these 3 years. Things would be great. Then guilt would creep in. Then the realization that we couldn't go on like this. Sometimes I ended it. Sometimes she ended it. She never even suggested she would leave her H at first. Then, in February, she decided she had to leave. Then she tried to leave. Told him she was leaving. But he begged her to stay. So she stayed. I thought that was it. I was out. I felt crushed, but somewhat relieved. It's very trying and stressful to deal with this. I was mad. SO mad.

 

But then the anger went away, and I missed her like mad. And she came calling at the same time. And it started up again. That was in June. Now we're back where we were before, but sex is also playing a factor as well, complicating things much further. It's exciting. It's perfect. (I say this with the full realization that I'm a fool and we ALL say the same thing in these situations).

 

I know this is wrong. I know this is going to end badly (heck, it's ended badly countless times). Most importantly, I realize now more than ever that SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE. They don't ever leave, do they? That's why I came here. To find some answers. To talk to people like me. To find some support (and even to accept some criticism from betrayed spouses that can remind me what a selfish ass I am). Above all, to remind me that I have to take control of this because THEY NEVER LEAVE.

 

So, thanks for listening. You all don't even know how immensely helpful your posts have helped me already.

[4everloveu]

All I can say is they don't leave. Like you mentioned, THEY DON'T EVER LEAVE. Know someone in same sisuation like your, he been waitting for 10+yrs. The MW still at home with H. She doesn't plan to leave and want to leave. You need to get out and leave, another couple years when you look back. You still sitting there waitting for something never going to happen. Just a waste of time, headache, heartache and more drama.

[OM1]

All I can say is they don't leave. Like you mentioned, THEY DON'T EVER LEAVE. Know someone in same sisuation like your, he been waitting for 10+yrs. The MW still at home with H. She doesn't plan to leave and want to leave. You need to get out and leave, another couple years when you look back. You still sitting there waitting for something never going to happen. Just a waste of time, headache, heartache and more drama.

 

Thanks, 4ever. As silly as this might sound, there is something very therapeutic about hearing that repeated over and over again from people in the same boat as me. While I know she'll never leave, it's about BELIEVING that she will never leave. The more people remind me of that, the more I am able to fully accept it.

[sadintexas]

I won't say they NEVER leave, but they rarely leave. I think being involved in an A with them helps them stay for the most part. It allows them to maintain the status quo because they don't have to deal with their marital issues and they find whatever it is they're looking for in the AP.

 

It is sad that their spouse is being denied the opportunity to make an informed decision or take to alternate action of their own. I've been both an OW and a BS. I can tell you the same reasons or things "missing" in my M, weren't just missing for my him. They were missing for me too. I was dying of loneliness in my M. I kept trying and he got his needs met elsewhere unbeknownst to me. I resepected him and our M too much to do that. It didn't seem fair and it hurt greatly.

 

I think in deciding whether or not this is right for you comes down to your level of happiness in the relationship.

 

Is what you have now enough to sustain you? Can you be happy with the level of commitment, amount of time, etc? Is there sufficient trust to keep you sane? Or do you want more? Will you not be truly satisfied unless she is 100% commited to only you?

 

The feelings I felt in the A were unlike anything I'd felt before. I was happy with what I had, but I did want it full time. It was an inner struggle I had. The part time I had with him felt much stronger and better than anything I'd had in other relationships. I eventually came to the conclusion though that I wanted a good relationship FULL TIME. I grew tired of the drama surrounding their marital problems and the question of "is he going to ever leave?".

 

I've learned after the fact that the feelings in an A are not really sustainable on the same level as they are in the A. That drama creates excitement (as hard as that is to admit). It can fuel emotional responses in us more often than a steady relationship. It makes the highs, higher. You also have the added benefit of the old "familiarity breeds contempt" not happening in your R. You remain in a "honeymoon phase" to a certain degree in these R's. They don't evolve and settle as normal relationships do. For these reasons and others, it keeps it newer, more exciting, and more fun. Will this translate into how it would be in a FULL TIME relationship with them? Probably not.

 

So seeing that choosing a regular R over an A would also trade in some of the excitement of the A, you're also gaining in other ways.

 

If you're okay with this as it is, you are the only one you truly have to answer to as far as staying in it. You have to do what's right for you.

Edited July 15, 2010 by sadintexas

[OM1]

Is what you have now enough to sustain you? Can you be happy with the level of commitment, amount of time, etc? Is there sufficient trust to keep you sane? Or do you want more? Will you not be truly satisfied unless she is 100% commited to only you?

 

sadintexas, to answer your questions, that is exactly why I'm here. I've been having these realizations of late. NO, I hate what I have now. As much as I love her, I hate the situation equally as much. I am not happy with this level of commitment. I am not happy with getting, at best, half her time. I'm not sane. I feel like I'm going insane! I will not be satisfied unless she is 100% committed. I don't think I deserve anything less. Why should any of us expect anything less, right? It's not fair!

[4everloveu]

sadintexas, to answer your questions, that is exactly why I'm here. I've been having these realizations of late. NO, I hate what I have now. As much as I love her, I hate the situation equally as much. I am not happy with this level of commitment. I am not happy with getting, at best, half her time. I'm not sane. I feel like I'm going insane! I will not be satisfied unless she is 100% committed. I don't think I deserve anything less. Why should any of us expect anything less, right? It's not fair!

 

I'm sorry but you need to LET GO. You know that she will not give you full time R. If you want more and expect more than you need to find someone that is SINGLE. Who can give you 100%, who you don't have to share with other. It's painful, but life is just TOO short to WASTE.

[Diamante]

 

 

The feelings I felt in the A were unlike anything I'd felt before. I was happy with what I had, but I did want it full time. It was an inner struggle I had. The part time I had with him felt much stronger and better than anything I'd had in other relationships. I eventually came to the conclusion though that I wanted a good relationship FULL TIME. I grew tired of the drama surrounding their marital problems and the question of "is he going to ever leave?".

 

I've learned after the fact that the feelings in an A are not really sustainable on the same level as they are in the A. That drama creates excitement (as hard as that is to admit). It can fuel emotional responses in us more often than a steady relationship. It makes the highs, higher. You also have the added benefit of the old "familiarity breeds contempt" not happening in your R. You remain in a "honeymoon phase" to a certain degree in these R's. They don't evolve and settle as normal relationships do. For these reasons and others, it keeps it newer, more exciting, and more fun. Will this translate into how it would be in a FULL TIME relationship with them? Probably not.

 

So seeing that choosing a regular R over an A would also trade in some of the excitement of the A, you're also gaining in other ways.

 

If you're okay with this as it is, you are the only one you truly have to answer to as far as staying in it. You have to do what's right for you.

 

SIT - Wow, you just helped me immensely with your post. I was having a rough day wondering why l/t R seem to mundane compared to the rush of an A. I came on here looking for something and I think I just found it in your post. Thanks so much for sharing!

 

OM1 - Indeed, you need to take matters into your own hands and control this situation. Otherwise, you will just keep going around in circles with her. If it's meant to be, it will be once she realizes she can't live without you and gets a D. Otherwise, you are best to be without her. There are SO MANY amazing, sexy, single women out there who are looking for a guy like you to commit (I know of several in my 30-38 yo circle) Don't waste your time on a woman who can't offer you what you clearly deserve. Warm, positive energy flowing your way and thanks for posting!

[Confused4Now]

I won't say they NEVER leave, but they rarely leave. I think being involved in an A with them helps them stay for the most part. It allows them to maintain the status quo because they don't have to deal with their marital issues and they find whatever it is they're looking for in the AP.

 

It is sad that their spouse is being denied the opportunity to make an informed decision or take to alternate action of their own. I've been both an OW and a BS. I can tell you the same reasons or things "missing" in my M, weren't just missing for my him. They were missing for me too. I was dying of loneliness in my M. I kept trying and he got his needs met elsewhere unbeknownst to me. I resepected him and our M too much to do that. It didn't seem fair and it hurt greatly.

 

I think in deciding whether or not this is right for you comes down to your level of happiness in the relationship.

 

Is what you have now enough to sustain you? Can you be happy with the level of commitment, amount of time, etc? Is there sufficient trust to keep you sane? Or do you want more? Will you not be truly satisfied unless she is 100% commited to only you?

 

The feelings I felt in the A were unlike anything I'd felt before. I was happy with what I had, but I did want it full time. It was an inner struggle I had. The part time I had with him felt much stronger and better than anything I'd had in other relationships. I eventually came to the conclusion though that I wanted a good relationship FULL TIME. I grew tired of the drama surrounding their marital problems and the question of "is he going to ever leave?".

 

I've learned after the fact that the feelings in an A are not really sustainable on the same level as they are in the A. That drama creates excitement (as hard as that is to admit). It can fuel emotional responses in us more often than a steady relationship. It makes the highs, higher. You also have the added benefit of the old "familiarity breeds contempt" not happening in your R. You remain in a "honeymoon phase" to a certain degree in these R's. They don't evolve and settle as normal relationships do. For these reasons and others, it keeps it newer, more exciting, and more fun. Will this translate into how it would be in a FULL TIME relationship with them? Probably not.

 

So seeing that choosing a regular R over an A would also trade in some of the excitement of the A, you're also gaining in other ways.

 

If you're okay with this as it is, you are the only one you truly have to answer to as far as staying in it. You have to do what's right for you.

Please read the what I hi-lited in bold. These stood out to me which I feel are so true.

 

As for the are you happy with what you got....I think in the beginning I think you were happy with what you got...but I guess over time you realize you wanted more cause it feels so right...

 

I guess what will be interesting if you ever have a D-day... you will see how fast she will throw you under the bus which most of OM/OW have gone through. So my advice to you is do YOU ...you earned being single. Let your MW figure out what she wants.

 

Are you dating? I know you are emotionally unavailable I started out by going out in groups. Keeping busy with my kids and taking care of my health. This is where you focus should be.....on YOU!!!

Edited July 15, 2010 by Confused4Now

[OM1]

Please read the what I hi-lited in bold. These stood out to me which I feel are so true.

 

As for the are you happy with what you got....I think in the beginning I think you were happy with what you got...but I guess over time you realize you wanted more cause it feels so right...

 

I guess what will be interesting if you ever have a D-day... you will see how fast she will throw you under the bus which most of OM/OW have gone through. So my advice to you is do YOU ...you earned being single. Let your MW figure out what she wants.

 

Are you dating? I know you are emotionally unavailable I started out by going out in groups. Keeping busy with my kids and taking care of my health. This is where you focus should be.....on YOU!!!

 

Oh, thanks for reminding me of something, Confused. We've had 2 D-Days! In one instance, H found an email. In the other instance, a text message. Neither were very explicit, but certainly enough for him to get pissed. And ... you're right! Thrown under the bus! She said we were just friends but I was pushing for something more and "didn't get it." The second time she took more of the blame, but I still felt the bus rushing above my head. Both times scared the heck out of her. And she left for a while. And then ... you know the rest. She came back and I took her back. Like a fool.

 

I've dated off and on, yes. Never with the ability to get truly emotionally invested. That's what kills me ... I'm in my mid-30s with a great career, make good money, in great shape. I've never had any trouble meeting women. But here I am, pining away for someone I can't have. WHY?!

[sadintexas]

sadintexas, to answer your questions, that is exactly why I'm here. I've been having these realizations of late. NO, I hate what I have now. As much as I love her, I hate the situation equally as much. I am not happy with this level of commitment. I am not happy with getting, at best, half her time. I'm not sane. I feel like I'm going insane! I will not be satisfied unless she is 100% committed. I don't think I deserve anything less. Why should any of us expect anything less, right? It's not fair!

 

It's simple in theory (harder to execute I know). If you want her full time, you remove yourself from the equation until she is available to you full time. Explain to her that you don't deserve less than this and will not accept less than this. The rest is for her to figure out.

 

By the shear fact that she is involved in an A, there are problems at home. Her H may not be aware of them, but they exist (even if they are strictly within herself, they manifest as being unhappy in the M). She needs to RESOLVE those issues in fairness to everyone, including herself. She needs to resolve those issues so she can have a healthy relationship with her H or someone else in the future. She will not take steps to resolve the issues as long as her needs are being met by you.

 

You do deserve better and until she is forced to make it better (either by letting you go or giving you what you want) you will have only what you have now.

[Silly_Girl]

Thanks for your posts on this thread SIT. Some points you made I am ACUTELY aware of, others not so much. It's a great post.

[OM1]

Thanks for your posts on this thread SIT. Some points you made I am ACUTELY aware of, others not so much. It's a great post.

 

Second that, SIT. Thanks so much. Your comment about the never-ending "honeymoon phase" hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought of it that way, but now that I think about it you are exactly right. This "relationship" never has to get "real." It stays in this fantasy land. I've been with this MW for 3 years and I still have no idea what it's like to actually be in a real relationship with her. That's remarkable.

[silverplanets]

...

 

I've dated off and on, yes. Never with the ability to get truly emotionally invested. That's what kills me ... I'm in my mid-30s with a great career, make good money, in great shape. I've never had any trouble meeting women. But here I am, pining away for someone I can't have. WHY?!

 

 

Hi OM,

 

From experience the simple question you've written in bold is at the heart of all this. There will be a reason and I'd happily bet it will be nothing to do with her, what you think you feel for her or the excitement of the A .. uncovering, comeing to peace with and answering this question will change your life and the A will just fade into the "you" that was before.

 

If you're feeling strong enough I'd absolutely recommend finding a counsellor/therapist and chewing the cud with them ... there are times in life when we need an independant person to help us see into the mirror that is ourselves ....

 

From my own experience, this is one of those times.

 

Best wishes

Chris

[Confused4Now]

Oh, thanks for reminding me of something, Confused. We've had 2 D-Days! In one instance, H found an email. In the other instance, a text message. Neither were very explicit, but certainly enough for him to get pissed. And ... you're right! Thrown under the bus! She said we were just friends but I was pushing for something more and "didn't get it." The second time she took more of the blame, but I still felt the bus rushing above my head. Both times scared the heck out of her. And she left for a while. And then ... you know the rest. She came back and I took her back. Like a fool.

 

I've dated off and on, yes. Never with the ability to get truly emotionally invested. That's what kills me ... I'm in my mid-30s with a great career, make good money, in great shape. I've never had any trouble meeting women. But here I am, pining away for someone I can't have. WHY?!

Wow...all I have to say is you sound like you are exactly where I was at the 3 year mark.....Had my D-days...so your MW husband knows about you? Hmmmmmm Well I learned the hard way. I say you have another year to get where I got. You'll finally grow tired of the dangling carrot and the false promises and whatever you do...do not march to dates. You'll be disappointed with all the excuses why it didn't happen.

Stay strong brother there aren't to many OM on this board we have to stick together....

[OM1]

Thanks Confused! Amen to that. This does help immensely. For so long I thought, "our love is different. We are different. SHE is different." But then reading all of these stories, both from OM and OW, I realize that our situation is EXACTLY like most everyone else's. Sure, there are the stories of the MMs that are having affair after affair. The true dogs. But most of the folks on these boards are experiencing the same thing as me. You find yourself in an A. No one had any real intention of getting there until your there. But then you're there and it's hard to get out.

 

It's therapeutic, man. Very. I see in other's posts the same thing I hear from her all the time. The same lines. I think, "wow, how could she not leave, given how she feels?" But she won't leave. For the same reasons that the countless other MMs and MWs discussed on these boards don't leave.

 

I need to stop being beholden to her.

[Fallen Angel]

OM1,

 

I am going to answer you before I read anything other than your first post, simply because I will get drawn off of your original post and start responding to all the other posts instead if I read them.

 

To answer you; YES, sometimes they do leave. In fact, a MW is more likely to leave her marriage than a MM. The reasons for that are that a MW leaving her marriage will most likely get custody of her children, where as a MM likely will only get visitations.

 

Also, women tend to think with their hearts, and men with their heads. A woman is more likely to leave a marriage when she feels she is in love with someone else despite the financial, emotional, and family price there is to pay for that decision. A man typically adds up the costs in terms of finances, and the toll that the divorce will take on the immediate and extended family, the loss of long time family friends etc etc and factors all of that into the equation when deciding to leave a marriage. His love for his OW is just one factor he considers, most women consider almost exclusively the love for their OM when deciding to leave.

 

If you are happy with your MW and you love her, then I would suggest sitting down with her and setting out exactly what your expectations are for where your relationship is headed. If you can not come to an agreement on what your ultimate goal is, then perhaps it is time to reconsider if this relationship is worth it for you.

 

Good Luck to you, whatever choices you make.

[cavedweller]

OM1,

 

It is your call, because, she will not leave her H for you...

[Confused4Now]

How was your weekend? how are you doing? Stay strong!!!

[OM1]

Thanks for checking in, Confused. Been wallowing in the midst of this for some time. A lot has happened since I last posted and yet, at the same time, nothing has really changed. Things were carrying on. I finally decided to tell her that this would end, by my doing, when I decided I was fed up with having to share her. For a while, this scared the heck out of her. She was really moving the ball. She decided she had to talk to H (again) about leaving. That happened. H admitted to being depressed. He too isn't content with the marriage. But the inevitable question arose - ok, what happens next? And, more importantly, when? See, the "when" is always the kicker. She hates the "when." She has no timetable - she has a young child and lots of family issues that would seriously complicate a separation. I said fine, but isn't it ultimately you and him that have to figure that out (i.e., family can't decide whether you stay with your spouse)? She agreed. Over this past weekend she felt overwhelmed with the A. As did I. We both know it's a dead end until she - without me in the picture - figures things out. So we went NC yesterday (again).

 

I'm in pain. It's like having to start the grieving process all over again each time. It hurts because I know for certain what happens here - she stays. At the very least, she stays long enough that it may as well be forever. I don't have 5 years to wait around. Heck, I can't even fathom waiting around for another year. How can I do that to myself? I can't.

[Brokenlady]

OM, I'm not going to tell you that they NEVER leave. It just isn't true. The fact is your needs aren't getting met right NOW. That is enough isn't it? You have no real reason to believe this point is negotiable, that she's going to do the right thing soon. Contrary to what I once believed, waiting around for a relationship that is long-standing and non-negotiable to meet your needs isn't noble. It's not going to get you the nomination for most understanding empathetic person ever. What it will get you is angry, resentful, feeling worthless and alone. She's had 3 YEars to get her act together and has done NOTHING. How much longer are you willing to subjugate yourself?

[OM1]

OM, I'm not going to tell you that they NEVER leave. It just isn't true. The fact is your needs aren't getting met right NOW. That is enough isn't it? You have no real reason to believe this point is negotiable, that she's going to do the right thing soon. Contrary to what I once believed, waiting around for a relationship that is long-standing and non-negotiable to meet your needs isn't noble. It's not going to get you the nomination for most understanding empathetic person ever. What it will get you is angry, resentful, feeling worthless and alone. She's had 3 YEars to get her act together and has done NOTHING. How much longer are you willing to subjugate yourself?

 

See, that's always been the problem. Two and a half years ago I would have answered that question like this: not much longer! But that's the problem - the "when" has never been clear. And to your point, that IS precisely the problem. My needs aren't getting met NOW, so if the answer to "when" is anything other than "now," then what's the point in continuing on with this? I see this. I get all this, believe me. But it doesn't make it any less painful.

[In_Repair]

OM1, sometimes they do leave. My own wife left me and she is now with her affair partner. I really didn't give her much choice though, as I basically forced her out, getting 50% child custody in the process.

 

Then there is my OW. I got tired of being an OM, so I ended things with her towards the end of last year and started dating another woman, but we stayed in contact. I became single again a couple of months ago. MW just left her husband a few weeks ago. She wants to have a relationship with me. She went on to tell me that even if she couldn't have me, she now saw that she needed to leave her husband regardless. Good for her, I hope her and her husband can find happiness. I have to admit that it's flattering for her to still be chasing me, but all it really does at this point is make me sad for her. I wish someone else would come along and give her what she needs.

 

The OP almost sounds like I did about a year or so ago, same age and everything. I was lucky in one way, as I had JUST gone through the whole ordeal with my wife and her OM, so I was still seeing things from both sides of the fence. I really loved her, but I hated being an OM, and I managed to avoid being swept away by it. Once removed from the affair, the thought solidified in my mind that I just couldn't be with this woman, and then I saw things for what they really were. Moving on isn't that hard... once you realize it is the best thing for you.

[Confused4Now]

See, that's always been the problem. Two and a half years ago I would have answered that question like this: not much longer! But that's the problem - the "when" has never been clear. And to your point, that IS precisely the problem. My needs aren't getting met NOW, so if the answer to "when" is anything other than "now," then what's the point in continuing on with this? I see this. I get all this, believe me. But it doesn't make it any less painful.

Welcome back my friend....I figured you'd be posting when things were bad again or going nowhere. Like you if you had asked me 2 1/2 years ago I would have said the same thing...she's almost there!!! but as we all know it was all words right up to a point she was suppose to do something and then BAMMM!!! nothing happens.

 

Also about NC if you're not really ready I don't care how many times you do it....you will not succeed. I even changed my cell number, canceled email accounts, blocked IM requests....unless you are ready you'll be right back in it. So do the work so you have the strength and the boundaries to just look at her and not even respond. Seriously I've been there you have to have enough of yourself so you don't miss her....you've wrapped yourself around her so much...you are neglecting the rest of your life.

 

As for the when who knows....I went through the WHAT and the HOW each one took forever...the only thing left was the WHEN.....that has to happen in her own time.....stay posting...we are here to help and support you.

[OM1]

Thanks, Confused, and everyone else.

 

One thing I have realized is that I do NOT want her to leave for me. I want her to leave for her. And she will never figure out whether she's leaving for her unless I'm out of the picture. I'm trying to find strength in this and use that as a motivation to stick to NC.

 

How are we ever truly ready for NC? I want to stick with it, because the alternative has always been a dead end. But will I? Will she? So hard to see the forest for the trees right now.

[Confused4Now]

Thanks, Confused, and everyone else.

 

One thing I have realized is that I do NOT want her to leave for me. I want her to leave for her. And she will never figure out whether she's leaving for her unless I'm out of the picture. I'm trying to find strength in this and use that as a motivation to stick to NC.

 

How are we ever truly ready for NC? I want to stick with it, because the alternative has always been a dead end. But will I? Will she? So hard to see the forest for the trees right now.

So here is the funny part of it....when I'd go NC...I'd see more movement from her than when I'd see her everyday. What does that say? I think most people who are don't like conflict will choose to not rock the boat. So if indeed she really wants out and leave her marriage for the reasons which she says...it's her journey to walk. Which as the other poster said earlier....you will get to a point where you'll feel sorry for her....and you won't be there anymore. Either way it's one-sided and you'll get very tired of it.

 

It's sad ...cause you never really had a chance to see what would have come of it in the right way. Stay strong....think hard...just keep moving forward that's the key...stay where your at and you will have major regrets later.