northstar1 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 My relationship with my ex ended about 4 months ago but it had been falling apart for a few months before that. I took time to digest things, heal and learn from my own mistakes and I wasn't really devastated when it did end as we just ended up having a lot of imcompatibilites. I've gotten back into dating in the past month or so and been seeing someone that I was friends with intially. She's a great girl, very smart, ambitious etc. The connection is great so far with us, but it is still very new and so I am not sure the future of it yet. I no longer have any feelings for my ex, so I am not looking at this as a rebound. However, what I'm finding is that after my last breakup, my security and confidence is not totally back to where it should be or has been in the past I find that I worry too much about things with the new girl. Basically, I think I am worried about being hurt again if things don't work out and so I am projecting that fear into reading far too much into things and looking for reassurances that we're both still on the same page in terms of interest. Anyone have this, where after a breakup, you find yourself feeling tentative when starting to see someone new?
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I think it's only natural to feel a little gunshy and timid after a fairly recent beakup. Just like any other traumatic event, you try to protect yourself from it happening again. Ever been in a car accident that wasn't your fault? Well, for months and months afterwards, you might be uber cautious and careful, almost scared of other cars. But as time passes, you get your groove back, and start driving as you once did. Or falling down as a child? You fall down and skin your knee, and for a few days or weeks you might be afraid to run fast across the playground. But over time, you forget about the pain you experienced, and just remember how fun it was to play without fear. I think the same thing applies in relationships. So while this new relationship might not be a rebound, you're just still afraid because of how recent the hurt was. In time, I think you'll ease up.
Author northstar1 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks SG, that makes sense. Although it has been going well so far, I do find myself looking for more validation/confirmation that she is still interested than I would have in the past instead of being able to totally relax and take each day one at a time. I suppose it is natural to feel this way so far
Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Although it has been going well so far, I do find myself looking for more validation/confirmation that she is still interested than I would have in the past instead of being able to totally relax and take each day one at a time. I suppose it is natural to feel this way so far I can relate. But I suppose maybe some caution is warranted here. Part of why I decided to take a dating hiatus was because I haven't heard from the guy I went out with on Sunday yet, and it's making me feel...not so great. In the past (pre-ex), I wouldn't have been anxious or anything, I just would have gone about my life, taking it as it comes. But now, I feel some weird need for validation. And I'm not even sure I really care if he ever calls! It's more like, "Call me already, so I can not call you back!" Does that make sense? I guess in my mind I'm thinking I'm going to take that dating hiatus until I reach a place where I don't need more validation/confirmation of interest than what I would have needed pre-breakup. I think it's natural to need more validation after experiencing something painful, but I just don't want to have to need it right now. I'd rather wait until I'm in the "relax and go with the flow" stage. Not saying that you shouldn't be dating, just my own thoughts on how I'm handling dating again.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks SG, that makes sense. Although it has been going well so far, I do find myself looking for more validation/confirmation that she is still interested than I would have in the past instead of being able to totally relax and take each day one at a time. I suppose it is natural to feel this way so far I'm having the exact same issues. My last two relationships didn't go well. One would pitch huge fits and fight with me if I didn't buy her stuff... and then this last one cheated on me. Ugh... I've gone on a few dates... but it always seems to just fizzle out. I don't know why. I feel like my confidence has just been completely shattered.
Engadget Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I still don't trust anyone after my breakup in January, and I deliberately turn down flirty women or don't reciprocate even if they're obvious about it. I just don't feel ready for it, my life is still a mess and besides a couple flings there's been nothing serious so I hear you there.
Author northstar1 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 I can relate. But I suppose maybe some caution is warranted here. Part of why I decided to take a dating hiatus was because I haven't heard from the guy I went out with on Sunday yet, and it's making me feel...not so great. In the past (pre-ex), I wouldn't have been anxious or anything, I just would have gone about my life, taking it as it comes. But now, I feel some weird need for validation. And I'm not even sure I really care if he ever calls! It's more like, "Call me already, so I can not call you back!" Does that make sense? I guess in my mind I'm thinking I'm going to take that dating hiatus until I reach a place where I don't need more validation/confirmation of interest than what I would have needed pre-breakup. I think it's natural to need more validation after experiencing something painful, but I just don't want to have to need it right now. I'd rather wait until I'm in the "relax and go with the flow" stage. Not saying that you shouldn't be dating, just my own thoughts on how I'm handling dating again. Yeah, I see what you mean. Normally after dating someone for a few weeks/months, you get to a comfort zone where you can relax and you have the confidence that things are going smoothly, they are into things as much as you are and you don't look for signs that something is amiss. Although most signs point to things being good so far, I have to tell myself to stop looking for what might go wrong or make assumptions. I think you are handling your situation perfectly. You realize that you might not be in a spot to start actively dating yet, and that's positive.
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