ladydesigner Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Just curious as to whether this has happened to any of you after an infidelity. I used to think I was not attracted to my H anymore after his infidelity, well I should say more than a few infidelities. I have had my own revenge affair which most of you are aware of. I just realized I am becoming attracted to my husband again and it is because I am allowing myself to feel close to him and reconnect. Whereas before I had my walls built up after d-day and refused to even let him in, which resulted in a non-attracted feeling towards him. Did any of you feel this way, not being attracted after an infidelity? And when it came back was it because of allowing them back in again? I for one thought I would never be attracted to my H again during our darkest days, but it is coming back, but only now that I am allowing myself to trust him again and let him back in. I don't know why I feel this is such an epiphany for me or why I couldn't figure it out earlier. Maybe it has just taken time.
Author ladydesigner Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 This is good news to me! It is good news. Thank you for responding. I think the more and more I let go the more I allow him back in. I don't want to ever have another A. Wish I wasn't so hot headed in not thinking before I acted. I became a madhatter. Anyways I love that I am becoming attracted to my H again. It makes M so much easier. I hope he feels the same way. I don't think our M could handle another infidelity. I have given up snooping for the most part as he came clean recently on some stuff that I had wrongly suspected. Anyways we are far from perfect, but being attracted definitely helps:o
carhill Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Hi, that sounds great. Know that feeling. Are you balancing that with work on the M in MC and concurrently establishing appropriate boundaries? To me, just like the initial processes of building a relationship, rebuilding one takes similar steps. Miss one (or a bunch) due to the chemicals flowing and a recipe for repetition may result. I recall, after our MC sessions, feeling much closer to stbx and more attracted, but the balance was I wasn't forgoing my boundaries and balanced those feelings against the boundaries I had decided were healthy as a result of the MC process. IOW, I didn't let my d*ck run my brain. Find any relevance there?
Author ladydesigner Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Hi, that sounds great. Know that feeling. Are you balancing that with work on the M in MC and concurrently establishing appropriate boundaries? To me, just like the initial processes of building a relationship, rebuilding one takes similar steps. Miss one (or a bunch) due to the chemicals flowing and a recipe for repetition may result. I recall, after our MC sessions, feeling much closer to stbx and more attracted, but the balance was I wasn't forgoing my boundaries and balanced those feelings against the boundaries I had decided were healthy as a result of the MC process. IOW, I didn't let my d*ck run my brain. Find any relevance there? Yes we have been in MC and it seems to be helping with understanding boundaries, why we crossed them and how to reinforce them. Not sure how much more we can afford as it is expensive, but we really want to be and stay together for both us and the kids. One thing is I am not hung up on his past infidelities and I can understand why it happened. I do not think it is the end all of a relationship. I know I will never out step my boundaries again. I never have in the past. It's amazing the tests our M has had. I hope for a stronger future from both of us.
carhill Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 If you had to pin down one particular, what would you say your current 'attraction' increase to H is based upon? As an example, for myself, after MC, I felt more 'connected' to stbx, as she would 'share' more of herself in MC than out in the world, and that kind of connection matched up with my intrinsic attraction style, something unique to myself. Can you identify your impetus(es)? Also, how long have you been in MC? I cashed in some of my retirement to pay for ours. I looked at it like a car payment (which I don't have), except the car could get us down the road to a healthier M. Ultimately, it got us down the road to a healthier D, but the process was still well worth the money and effort. I'd do it again without hesitation. It sounds like you have accepted the past. If H has as well, and you have a common ground of respect and connection to rebuild upon, I think you have an excellent chance of recovery. Hope it works out!
Secure Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Glad to hear you are feeling more attracted to your spouse. It took me some time(months) and there were times in which I thought it would never come. Wish I had found this website a year ago. I began regaining attractiveness toward my husband when I stopped dwelling on his negative aspects. Marriage counseling helped me focus more on all of his positive attributes. Focused more on his patience and love toward our children and his sweet and caring spirit. His dedication in trying to fulfill those needs I starved for in our relationship in the past also helped with attractiveness.
Woggle Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Attraction comes back when a woman stops making her husband a scapegoat for everything wrong. Many times men become something for women to prject all their resentments and anger on to and that kills attraction.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Did any of you feel this way, not being attracted after an infidelity? not only was I not attracted to her after d-day, I was absolutely disgusted every time I looked at her. Wanted to vomit. And since I don't like to vomit....I divorced her.
pollyanna22 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 It was the opposite for me, when I first found out, sex was great! we were both emotional, and I did everything (wanting to) to make him feel wanted and loved, now after two years I feel more angry, the stronger I get the more turned off...think I'm in trouble!..lol good for you tho
Author ladydesigner Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 If you had to pin down one particular, what would you say your current 'attraction' increase to H is based upon? It is both emotional and physical and both were lacking for quite some time. I thought it was never going to come back. The more I let go of resentments and distrust the more I see the man I first met. Not sure what it is based upon. I think it was my unwillingness to let go that I finally let it all go. As an example, for myself, after MC, I felt more 'connected' to stbx, as she would 'share' more of herself in MC than out in the world, and that kind of connection matched up with my intrinsic attraction style, something unique to myself. Can you identify your impetus(es)? Mine are the father he has become to our kids and the support, love, attention that my H has shown since we have been working on our M. I see the effort he is putting in. Also, how long have you been in MC? I cashed in some of my retirement to pay for ours. I looked at it like a car payment (which I don't have), except the car could get us down the road to a healthier M. Ultimately, it got us down the road to a healthier D, but the process was still well worth the money and effort. I'd do it again without hesitation. We have been in M counseling for a month (not long I know) but we have been in counseling in the past as well for a couple of months. I speak with my old IC every so often to get her thoughts. She is really close with my family. It sounds like you have accepted the past. If H has as well, and you have a common ground of respect and connection to rebuild upon, I think you have an excellent chance of recovery. Hope it works out! I believe we have found a common respect. That is really important. Thanks!
Author ladydesigner Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 If you had to pin down one particular, what would you say your current 'attraction' increase to H is based upon? It is both emotional and physical and both were lacking for quite some time. I thought it was never going to come back. The more I let go of resentments and distrust the more I see the man I first met. Not sure what it is based upon. I think it was my unwillingness to let go that I finally let it all go. As an example, for myself, after MC, I felt more 'connected' to stbx, as she would 'share' more of herself in MC than out in the world, and that kind of connection matched up with my intrinsic attraction style, something unique to myself. Can you identify your impetus(es)? Mine are the father he has become to our kids and the support, love, attention that my H has shown since we have been working on our M. I see the effort he is putting in. Also, how long have you been in MC? I cashed in some of my retirement to pay for ours. I looked at it like a car payment (which I don't have), except the car could get us down the road to a healthier M. Ultimately, it got us down the road to a healthier D, but the process was still well worth the money and effort. I'd do it again without hesitation. We have been in M counseling for a month (not long I know) but we have been in counseling in the past as well for a couple of months. I speak with my old IC every so often to get her thoughts. She is really close with my family. It sounds like you have accepted the past. If H has as well, and you have a common ground of respect and connection to rebuild upon, I think you have an excellent chance of recovery. Hope it works out! I believe we have found a common respect. That is really important. Thanks! Answers in bold
carhill Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 See, that's really cool; you 'let go' of things like resentment and see your H with new eyes. The eyes of acceptance. You like what you see. To me, that's a really important effect of MC; clarity. We were in MC for 14 months. Hey, I like to talk
Snowflower Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 LD, your story here has always been interesting to me! But, FWIW, I'm glad you and your H are reconnecting and it sounds like the two of you are doing it the "right way" this time around. I'm also glad that your H was able to come clean and clear up some misconceptions that you had about what he had done. Best of luck to you!
Darth Vader Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 LD, your story here has always been interesting to me! But, FWIW, I'm glad you and your H are reconnecting and it sounds like the two of you are doing it the "right way" this time around. I'm also glad that your H was able to come clean and clear up some misconceptions that you had about what he had done. Best of luck to you! This is all fine well and good, UNTIL- Her husband finds out about her affair(revenge affair), that so far she hasn't disclosed to her husband, and never plans to divulge. So basically, they're still living a LIE! So all of this reconnecting is for nothing, because when hubby finds out (after how many years) he'll likely disconnect with her once again. The poster needs to be straight forward beforehand, however, I think this is part of her revenge to keep her husband in the dark.
Gfkr2 Posted August 25, 2010 Posted August 25, 2010 not only was I not attracted to her after d-day, I was absolutely disgusted every time I looked at her. Wanted to vomit. And since I don't like to vomit....I divorced her. Ditto.. She could stand in front of me as naked and "ready for action" as can be. There would be NO reaction by me, except disgust for this cheating infidel. Divorce here.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 25, 2010 Author Posted August 25, 2010 This is all fine well and good, UNTIL- Her husband finds out about her affair(revenge affair), that so far she hasn't disclosed to her husband, and never plans to divulge. So basically, they're still living a LIE! So all of this reconnecting is for nothing, because when hubby finds out (after how many years) he'll likely disconnect with her once again. The poster needs to be straight forward beforehand, however, I think this is part of her revenge to keep her husband in the dark. Ah the resurrection of my thread. This bold statement maybe right as my H has not fully disclosed a few of his other infidelities. I've been in MC and IC and my IC has always advised against not telling. Our whole M until recently has felt like a lie to me. Everyone is different and we all have different opinions about things. I don't think my H would be surprised to find out I had a revenge affair. I'm not proud by a longshot. I totally f'ed up. Wish I never did it. When you become a madhatter I was just that mad (crazy). I do not agree with cheating or A's but I can understand how they happen. They are selfish, I was selfish, my H was selfish, it's sick it really is. But I am not going to argue my point on not disclosing as I usually get the wrath for it.
Darth Vader Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Ah the resurrection of my thread. This bold statement maybe right as my H has not fully disclosed a few of his other infidelities. I've been in MC and IC and my IC has always advised against not telling. Our whole M until recently has felt like a lie to me. Everyone is different and we all have different opinions about things. I don't think my H would be surprised to find out I had a revenge affair. I'm not proud by a longshot. I totally f'ed up. Wish I never did it. When you become a madhatter I was just that mad (crazy). I do not agree with cheating or A's but I can understand how they happen. They are selfish, I was selfish, my H was selfish, it's sick it really is. But I am not going to argue my point on not disclosing as I usually get the wrath for it. I sense Blameshifting and/or justification of your affair! You may have been mad(crazy) or whatever, but you knew exactly what you were doing and why you wanted to do that! To hurt your husband secretively, or if he somehow found out, openly. In any case, it was with vengeful intentions! Ah the resurrection of your Bull$hit!!!!
Author ladydesigner Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 I sense Blameshifting and/or justification of your affair! You may have been mad(crazy) or whatever, but you knew exactly what you were doing and why you wanted to do that! To hurt your husband secretively, or if he somehow found out, openly. In any case, it was with vengeful intentions! Ah the resurrection of your Bull$hit!!!! It's all good. I am okay with myself. Personal opinions on an anonymous forum are just that. Justifications? Maybe? Either way I am happy with my life and there isn't anyone that is going to take that from me. Cute to the bolded part. It's a good thing I don't take things personally:)
Snowflower Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 LD, please don't bother defending yourself to some here. It's hilarious how some consider that your H having an A and not coming completely clean about it is somehow not as bad as what you have done. Double standards abound! It will always be worse somehow for a wife to have an affair, even on her cheating husband, than it was for the husband to have an affair in the first place. Two wrongs don't make a right and you have admitted this and you have stated repeatedly that you are not proud of what you did. Hang in there LD and be happy about your reconciled marriage!
Author ladydesigner Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 LD, please don't bother defending yourself to some here. It's hilarious how some consider that your H having an A and not coming completely clean about it is somehow not as bad as what you have done. Double standards abound! It will always be worse somehow for a wife to have an affair, even on her cheating husband, than it was for the husband to have an affair in the first place. Two wrongs don't make a right and you have admitted this and you have stated repeatedly that you are not proud of what you did. Hang in there LD and be happy about your reconciled marriage! Thank you Snowflower. I am happy my M is moving forward. It may not be the ideal in reconciliation, but are doing far better than before the A's.
2sure Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Holy Smokes...it really seems to bother people when a marriage reconciles. Crisis , real crisis, either breaks you or makes you stronger. Thats life. Thats marriage. Its a risk and its worth taking.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Holy Smokes...it really seems to bother people when a marriage reconciles. Crisis , real crisis, either breaks you or makes you stronger. Thats life. Thats marriage. Its a risk and its worth taking. absolutely...crisis can make you stronger....which is why I divorced the bitch...LOL
Gfkr2 Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Holy Smokes...it really seems to bother people when a marriage reconciles. Crisis , real crisis, either breaks you or makes you stronger. Thats life. Thats marriage. Its a risk and its worth taking. No reconciliation with a 1-2-3 time cheater. All HER skeletons came out of the closet since D-day. Thank God, we are divorcing.
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