NC rule doesnt make alot of sense

[Not strong enough]

It makes sense if you are trying to get over someone, because the less contact with them the less you think about them. Even though this doesnt seem to be the case alot of the time. Not just me but many friends even after being with other people still think about their ex's months and years down the road. It does help to a point I suppose but not completely.

 

However alot of people go no contact to try to reclaim their lost love. To make them want something they can't have and to make them think hopefully about you. However everyone says no contact period atleast until the other person makes contact and wants to get back together. Well this is fine and good unless the other person is trolling the internet as well and see's the same advice from some of the same sources, and even though they may want to contact the person, both parties have been advised not to contact each other....It's a stalemate, now is it just me or does this not make alot of sense.

 

A perfect example is I know two people that were given this advise, and 8 years down the road they finally reconnected, and shared their feelings. Problem was, both were married with children, but neither were very happy in their marriages. Now to be together, they would have to go through the finacial crisis and emotional crisis of divorce, all because of a nc rule that someone invented. This is one of many examples.

 

Now I may be missing something here, and i probably am, but it seems to me this rule only works in very few situations. And for everytime it works it seems to fail....

[Thierro]

The one that got dumped goes NC, not the other way around. If both parties would search the internet for 'how to reconcile with my ex', the dumper will notice that the one that dumped needs to rekindle the whole thing.

 

But yeah, I also have my doubts doing stuff counter-intuitive like this. The people here on LS speak out of experience and figured out that, in general, staying in contact doesn’t get you anywhere. Sure, every situation is different, but in general the NC way is the way to go.

 

NC is about fixing yourself. I think that you will miss out on a couple of necessary processes you need to go through when you stay in contact.

[Trimmer]

If you're ever using the NC "rule" to try to promote reconciliation or affect someone else's behavior, you are using it in the wrong situation. I commented on this in another thread here.

 

It's not an all-purpose, always-use-it-when-a-relationship-ends "rule."

[HeavenOrHell]

NC is often used when the dumpee feels in limbo unable to move on. In my case I clung to the hope of reconciliation for 7 months, we were together 18 years, seeing him made me unable to let go. It got to the point that it was more painful to see him than to not see him as he had feelings for someone else by then. I had to go NC for my sanity. The first few days of NC were horrible but it got easier bit by bit.

NC may bring an ex back but they probably would have come back anyway, NC to get someone back seems like game playing to me, and how long do you cling to that hope that it will bring them back? IMO it is best used as a way to let go and move on.

This doesn't mean that under no circumstances should ex's not get back in touch, because of course some couples can and do get back together, the majority don't though, and if they do, may break up again (my ex left me 3 times altogether).

 

 

It makes sense if you are trying to get over someone, because the less contact with them the less you think about them. Even though this doesnt seem to be the case alot of the time. Not just me but many friends even after being with other people still think about their ex's months and years down the road. It does help to a point I suppose but not completely.

 

However alot of people go no contact to try to reclaim their lost love. To make them want something they can't have and to make them think hopefully about you. However everyone says no contact period atleast until the other person makes contact and wants to get back together. Well this is fine and good unless the other person is trolling the internet as well and see's the same advice from some of the same sources, and even though they may want to contact the person, both parties have been advised not to contact each other....It's a stalemate, now is it just me or does this not make alot of sense.

 

A perfect example is I know two people that were given this advise, and 8 years down the road they finally reconnected, and shared their feelings. Problem was, both were married with children, but neither were very happy in their marriages. Now to be together, they would have to go through the finacial crisis and emotional crisis of divorce, all because of a nc rule that someone invented. This is one of many examples.

 

Now I may be missing something here, and i probably am, but it seems to me this rule only works in very few situations. And for everytime it works it seems to fail....

[Incognito3]

i think Thierro gave the best summary here.

 

i myself have been in NC for one week, it sucks so bad, but i already am feeling stronger. i was the one who was dumped... i tried doing the "friends" thing and the friends with benefits thing... and no matter how hard i tried, i just couldn't help getting horribly sad after every time i was with him... it was a truly aweful feeling. maybe some women can handle that type of relationship after a break up, but i just don't think that i'm that type of person. and, the more i saw him, the more "clingy" i became toward him and the more i'd try to convince him to come back to me (which, looking back on it makes me sick to think about it, i was truly sacrificing my dignity).

 

i will also say, however, that i do not believe in any "absolute" rule that works in every situation. so i do not believe NC works in every case. there are always exceptions to the rule...

 

for me, right now in my specific situation, it is working beautifully... i am gaining my dignity back and am feeling stronger as a person... i'm gaining back my self-respect.

[AlwaysConflicted]

NC is for the dumpee to heal.

[ar1]

To me, it seems very situation dependent (i.e. assuming reconciliation is your goal) - if you were smothering your S.O. then it's the way to go. However, if you were emotionally unavailable, then it makes no sense.

 

Here's a blurb I typed up on it based on my own plight.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2886879&postcount=9

[GrayClouds]

It makes sense if you are trying to get over someone, because the less contact with them the less you think about them. Even though this doesnt seem to be the case alot of the time. Not just me but many friends even after being with other people still think about their ex's months and years down the road. It does help to a point I suppose but not completely.

 

However alot of people go no contact to try to reclaim their lost love. To make them want something they can't have and to make them think hopefully about you. However everyone says no contact period atleast until the other person makes contact and wants to get back together. Well this is fine and good unless the other person is trolling the internet as well and see's the same advice from some of the same sources, and even though they may want to contact the person, both parties have been advised not to contact each other....It's a stalemate, now is it just me or does this not make alot of sense.

 

A perfect example is I know two people that were given this advise, and 8 years down the road they finally reconnected, and shared their feelings. Problem was, both were married with children, but neither were very happy in their marriages. Now to be together, they would have to go through the finacial crisis and emotional crisis of divorce, all because of a nc rule that someone invented. This is one of many examples.

 

Now I may be missing something here, and i probably am, but it seems to me this rule only works in very few situations. And for everytime it works it seems to fail....

 

BS. No one of any intelligence suggests to go NC to get someone back.

 

And your perfect examples is not perfect. For their perspective, their feelings and experieces is biased by each being in "very unhappy marriages". It way to easy to be sentimental about what could have been for imagination is can always be much more inviting then reality. If they meet 4 years when both was happy in the marriage your example would not be.

 

So do not go NC if you do not want to but when your tired being stuck and hurting we will be here still suggesting it.

[mickleb]

I would say the couple in the example given were probably due to suffer from 'emotional crises' on a daily basis, given they were so inept at communication during their relationship (if they adored each other so much, why did one of them quit so completely?) and happy to marry the wrong people, who they were 'emotionally cheating' on.

 

The occasional exception I would offer to NC would be "see you on the therapist's couch". Couples who split have got issues. If you go NC, you get to work on yours AND have a chance to see the relationship objectively. Both are essential, along with a partner who is willing to the same, if there is any hope of reconcilliation. Added to this, the dumper needs to re-establish contact and then you need to work on your issues together. When one partner dumps the other, they break the trust in a serious way. Most broken couples aren't strong enough to recover.

 

OP, it's not like it is in the films..

 

x

[lullaby]

Like the rest said, every relationship is different and NC doesn't apply to all but it does help the dumpee to heal.

 

Something is broken after a break up, so something needs to be fixed but both parties involved need to put a lot of effort and be 100% committed to make it work again. Trust, confidence, and tons of other things are broken.

 

I know of couples who broke up, went NC and just moved on and found someone else and are happy. I know others who didn't go NC, stood with that process of going on and off for a long time and are happy now, though they are a few.

 

NC helps both to heal, because the dumper suffers too, it's just that they've been struggling and mourning over the decision longer than the dumpee so they may heal faster but it does help to put your relationship on another level.