NoIDidn't Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 When is the best time? The idea from this thread came from Infidelity. I assume that people in marriages that started from affairs may or may not have the chance to meet any potential stepchildren until right before the marriage (if they marry immediately after the divorce is final which happens alot). So I wondered how this affects the kids? In my own experience, Infidelity was not the issue as it wasn't my mother that was being cheated on, but a stepmom. My assumption was general, that the child/ren meeting the new stepparent after the marriage instead of before would be detrimental to their R (the stepparent/children R), but my actual experience in meeting a stepmom a few months into the marriage actually went quite well (no Infidelity, mind you). So, Infidelity or not, when do you think parents should introduce kids to a partner they want to marry? Conventional wisdom is before a marriage, but only after the R is serious enough to consider marriage. I had a hard time getting along with the stepmom that I met a year before my dad actually married her. The thread that sparked this can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=237503. What do you think? Before a marriage or after the wedding has already taken place?
Ariadne Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 What do you think? Before a marriage or after the wedding has already taken place? After the wedding has taken place. Because that is what makes it legal and official.
KikiW Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Interesting, I would think that meeting the "new" adult before the wedding would be better, but I suppose it depends on a number of factors... How old are the children in the situation? Do both adults have children or just one? Are the adults considering adding more children to the family? I would personally never have wanted to meet my SOs daughter (nor would I have wanted MY daughter to meet SO) AFTER we got married. Seeing his parenting style in person gives me a better sense of how he would be with a child we had together, plus I want to know how he treats my daughter. While I do not believe children should rule the roost, I would not want to marry someone if they treated my child or their OWN child badly. On the flip side, if everyone gets along well, why should the child not be included in the wedding ceremony? I know my daughter would be heartbroken if I just up and said "Oh hey I am married!" - she knows my SO very well now and is looking forward to being a bridesmaid in the near future. Including the children in the relationship builds stronger bonds, I would think. Of course this is also dependent on whether the new adult sees their role as an "additional" parent or whether they see the child as "the ex's kid" that they don't really need to bother with or simply put up with during visitations. JMHO though.
fooled once Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 When is the best time? The idea from this thread came from Infidelity. I assume that people in marriages that started from affairs may or may not have the chance to meet any potential stepchildren until right before the marriage (if they marry immediately after the divorce is final which happens alot). So I wondered how this affects the kids? In my own experience, Infidelity was not the issue as it wasn't my mother that was being cheated on, but a stepmom. My assumption was general, that the child/ren meeting the new stepparent after the marriage instead of before would be detrimental to their R (the stepparent/children R), but my actual experience in meeting a stepmom a few months into the marriage actually went quite well (no Infidelity, mind you). So, Infidelity or not, when do you think parents should introduce kids to a partner they want to marry? Conventional wisdom is before a marriage, but only after the R is serious enough to consider marriage. I had a hard time getting along with the stepmom that I met a year before my dad actually married her. The thread that sparked this can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=237503. What do you think? Before a marriage or after the wedding has already taken place? Once the new relationship is truly serious and monogamous - maybe 4 months? I have seen too many women have men spiraling through their homes and the kids seeing this. Boys see their mom's having numerous boyfriends who sleep over begin to thing of their mom's as sluts. I don't think the kids should be introduced until it is fairly certain the relationship is solid and will possibly lead to marriage. Until the parties marry, the woman is NOT the step parent (and living together does not mean the woman is the step parent either IMHO). In cases of infidelity, I would hope the adults don't marry as soon as the ink is dry because to do so, will only let it be known to the kids that one parent was cheating with the OP. I also believe the new stepparent needs to realize that they are NOT the parent, period. They don't get to make decisions, especially in the EveryOtherWeekend visitation arrangement. I would also hope the new step parent doesn't stand in the way of the bio parents relationship with the kids and don't get all clingy, jealous and needy when the non custodial parent has visitation (as I have seen happen so many times). Tough call. I would hope the adults would be mature enough to figure this out with the kids best interest at heart.
Chinook Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I didn't meet my SO's kids until March this year - three months after we got engaged. So I don't think it needs to be before the wedding because they should be included in that. But it definitely shouldn't be until the adults are totally committed to each other. The relationship is new and needs to find it's own feet first without the pressure of children added to it. In that way the adults are secure enough in their relationship to equally address any issues the children may have. It just makes sense to do it that way.
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