demrea Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) A little different but I am sure just as common issue. Dont really know where to discuss it, so thought I would try you fine folks. For the quick backgrounder, the issue isnt even that we are mad at each or dont understand each others position, we both agree on the exact issue and just dont know how to move the goal posts closer. We met 20 years ago as high school sweethearts (me17, her 16). She saved my life and her parents in that I never had any stability in my life up to that point. I was the product of a broken marriage and my mom just did her best, but we moved around alot and I was in trouble with the law and drugs. Until I met my wife and her parents. They gave me expectations and I tried so hard to not let them down and it worked. We married, have two kids and I earn a professional wage and have had many career opportunities reseved for Executive level work. Like I said, my wife and her family saved my life for sure. Fast forward to now. We are 37 and 36 and about to celebrate our 15th anniversary and there is just one thing between us. Im bored and she isnt. Our sex life is a few shades more then vanilla and I have given her my entire adult sex life, neither of us have had sex as an adult with anyone else but each other. 15 year old teenage sex is it for our experience with others. Frequency is not the issue, we have sex about 10 times a month. Sure I want it every day, but I respect that for her 10x is much more then she would if it were up to her. She makes the effort to have sex a few times a week and enjoys it when we do. And I know there are doods on here who would really like half what I get, so I get over that quickly, its not a hardship. I have no boundries, Im very liberal and really would be interested in whatever she suggested. Sure there are some extremes that would be take a great deal of trust and second thought, but I wouldnt ever shame her for thinking anything sexual no matter how extreme. Its just fantasy to titilate the imagination. She has many many boundries. And its not like she isnt liberal, we have porn and toys, but she just doesnt want to be a sexual person. There is no instinct for it. I want more then jsut sex, I want titilation. She is fine to watch TV until 10 and then say lets go up stairs. That doesnt work for me, I want tonnes of mental stimulation. I want her to be sexy from the minute i get home until we are spent. I want her to text me during the day and tell me is wet and cant wait for me to get home. She likes to text grade school smiley icons. zzzzzzzzz cute, but i need adult sex, i need titilation. yes, its all i need, i need and it sounds so selfish. i would give her everything she says she needs, sexual or not, i would encourage her to just be straight up about it and id go to work at being able to provide that. why shouldnt i even be able to tell her my needs list? it just gives her pressure and works against me, so i dont (although she knows because we have talked about it, i just dont keep bring it up over and over). i understand the pressure, i feel it to, but i look at that as a positive to keep the marriage fresh, there is pressure! no? i find it a weak excuse and lacking maturity to not use that pressure for positive instead of as a crutch. i think of romantic and lovin stuff every single day. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed, I just want to be in love. Sounds corny, but thats how I feel and she is very much a get out of my space type of girl. I dont know what to do, we have talked about this and it is causing a great deal of tension. We dont disagree that I want more and she doesnt, but how do you make someone go beyond their personal boundries, thats not really what im looking for. So of course, I have to back off. Thing is, it makes sense. She is not a touchy person and I am. She gives peck sister kisses out of instinct where as I bring her close to my body, kiss her neck, nibble on her ear and then go for a nice french kiss while rubbing her back and touching her ass. See, we are very different. Ugh, I dont want to cheat but I dont know how to get my needs met. We are both fit, socially accepted, active and there are so many girls out there that I know are available. They are inches from my life, I can have all of that because I know where to get it if I was inclined. It is taking all my self respect and for my wife and family to not reach for it. I still have oats to sow. I only want this journey with one person though. My wife. I dont want to throw away the best thing that ever happened to me and I dont know if I am going through a pre mid life crisis, but i feel the last bit of my youth is being wasted and before long we wont be those fit young people anymore. I only get one chance at life and how do I get this youth back if I dont start now? Irrational to throw away a marriage over this. Tears just thinking about it. I have so much to celebrate but this over whelms me right now. None of this is a secret to her, we communicate very well. It didnt make me feel better to write that out. What good would a marriage counsellor do? We dont need help communicating or understanding each other. She is who she is and I respect her. I am who I am, can a marriage counsellor make her respect me and even if its not a respect issue, you cant change a persons instincts towards sexuality by convincing them they are wrong. Should I just accept that I traded passion for stability and enjoy what I have? Im having trouble doing that and yet I think I owe so many people to not let them down. My wife. My kids. Her parents. Myself. My kids have everything I never did and they are so much better off then I was. They dont deserve this. My wife does not deserve this. Neither do I. Im so upset about this. I need some perspective. Thanks for reading all this blabber. Hope I at least spaced it so it was some what easier to follow, lol. Edited July 15, 2010 by demrea
SarahRose Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Why not try counting your blessings ever day and focus on what you do have instead of what yo don't. Any one of us could obsess over and over about things we won't get. Like if I wanted to be a pilot but never can because of being blind that will never happen. You'll just make yourself miserable if you keep on the way you are.
TaraMaiden Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 "If you cannot find peace, happiness, satisfaction and fulfilment where you are right now - then where else do you expect to find it?" Look, it's hard to stave off the boredom, I do understand that. I had my head bitten off by another poster, because I suggested that this was precisely the reason their partner had strayed from what seemed to the poster, to be a perfect relationship. The 'cheater' in that relationship was described as selfish, but I believe that can cover boredom. If you're bored, you're even more tempted, right? And you're thinking of your loins, largely, for the variety and different experience it can bring you. The problem is, we convince ourselves that what we have is so hum-drum, everything else has just GOT to be better. More frequent/more titillating/more exciting sex will never guarantee you a better, more happy life. It will just guarantee more frequent/more titillating/more exciting sex. But would that be enough, in the long run? Is going out and "getting some" really going to compensate for losing everything you have successfully built for yourself? If you both know the situation, and you're both aware, what solutions have you discussed? (Whatever you do, don't even think of involving anyone else, by the way, either in threesome mode or bit on the side with her knowledge....) What I think you need to do, is discuss something with a psychosexual counsellor. You actually have a frequent sex life, which actually, is a lot more frequent than some might have.... The fact that you are open and honest with one another is commendable, and enviable. see a counsellor together, be open to suggestion, and try things out as directed. That's all I can really advise....
xxoo Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I want her to be sexy from the minute i get home until we are spent. I want her to text me during the day and tell me is wet and cant wait for me to get home. She likes to text grade school smiley icons. zzzzzzzzz cute, but i need adult sex, i need titilation. yes, its all i need, i need and it sounds so selfish. I'm glad you recognize that you are being needy. Your need in this paragraph is overwhelming for me, and I'm just reading it! (not living it!) First thing to accept: this is an issue with you. Not an issue with her; not an issue with the marriage. If you divorce her, you will still have this issue. The cure for your issue isn't "out there". It is inside you. Why do you "need" a partner who is all sex all the time? Why aren't other aspects of life, parenthood, and marriage allowed to take center focus as appropriate? I suspect your situation is analogous to a woman who has a wonderful, loving, committed husband, but it is never enough. She needs MORE attention, she needs MORE compliments, she needs MORE romance. She cheats or leaves, and is still needy and dissatisfied. She still needs to fix her own insecurities before she can find peace in any relationship.
tnttim Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I get what your saying and get what you want your wife to be but the way you are going about it is all wrong. If you ask her, she will do it, but you want her to want it like you do. I have a few suggestions, if you're game, try it out. Stop initiating sex, her saying "let's go upstairs" is not her initiating sex, it's you following her commands to start sex, big difference.Stop being willing to do anything for her, tell her "no" once in a while.Stop making sex a priority, in fact act like it's not that important.Do things that usually lead to sex, i.e. rubbing her back, and then don't try to have sex afterward.Find her passion, and then turn that passion into being sexy. Like if she likes painting, make painting sexy so when she paints she feels sexy.When you have real good mind blowing sex, remember everything that happened a few hours before it. You can find out what in her daily life triggered the better sex. Then you can mimic that, and get mind blowing sex again.Break the cycle of whatever you are doing too much of. Then start doing some different things. You want to be a little unpredictable at times.Stop talking about what's wrong with sex, because in her mind it's her fault. After a while she will develop a stigma to sex, which was created by you saying you want something different all the time. In my own life I have found that #1 and #4 alone helped out my sex life dramatically. The other big thing is to pay attention to her, and what she says. Woman are usually indirect with their speech patterns, so think more about what she means, than what she says. Also pay attention to her before, during, and after sex, if she is in a bad mood, or becomes withdrawn, then she has tied a bad emotion to sex. It's your job to use her passions after sex to keep her in good spirits. Then after a while, she will feel good afterward.
Author demrea Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks for all the feedback. I can't respond in detail as I am at work, but will later. That said, I just want it known that this was a rant and is not the tone or context that I frame my discussions with her around. I am keenly aware that a whiny, needy husband is a turn off for most women. More response later, when I can properly post!
stillafool Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Should I just accept that I traded passion for stability and enjoy what I have? Im having trouble doing that and yet I think I owe so many people to not let them down. I feel for you as so many people do trade passion for stability. When we are young we don't place much emphasis on passion because we feel we can somehow create it or eventually it will come. We place more emphasis on stability because most people want kids and this is what they need. We don't understand what a gift passion is and how hard is is to obtain.
TaraMaiden Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 vestigalvirgin - thank you so much for the comic interlude.... I don't think I have ever laughed so much in years! priceless.....!
Author demrea Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 vestigalvirgin - thank you so much for the comic interlude.... I don't think I have ever laughed so much in years! priceless.....! ya, i dont know if he was being serious or simply trying to drive home a point. anyhow, if my wife cheated, id be shocked that she wouldnt have told me. thats the kind of relationship we have and thats the kind of person she is. but hey, i wouldnt be the first guy to say that either, it would colour me shocked and so i dont consider it an issue. for the most part i do focus on the good stuff, but I am human and i wanted to vent. positives that i shouldnt take for granted: my wife is clean, i dont have to use a condom (although i have off and on for other reasons, just never again!). if i was single, id never know the velvetty sensation that you get with that type of contact and well ya, you know i have regular sex with a fit lady who takes care of her body and appearance. my wife looks me in eye when we have sex and i know there is a genuine love and bond that could not exist with a random hookup she is there when i wake up in the morning and when i go to bed and more importantly she would be there for me if i couldnt have sex or work. anyhow ... just need perspective and yes i do have oats to sow and it just happens to be something i need to deal with. i suppose its not the worst thing, there is real tragedy in the world and this clearly isnt. thanks and i enjoyed all the feedback and look forward to even more if you have any!
threebyfate Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 demrea, are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? While it's not always applicable in that different individuals will put some of these needs side by side, it appears to be applicable to you. http://docsiva.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/maslows-hierarchy-of-needs1.jpg It's pretty self-explanatory. I think you sit at the Esteem needs point. If you mess with this, you stand to lose everything below it. It's safer to buy yourself a convertible and good quality toupe.
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