spots94 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 One minute my H who I have been separated from for 2 weeks says we will have our space to work on our selves and see where we are in a couple of months whether it will end in divorce and then he gets pissed for some reason and then tell me he wants a divorce, he hates me and that we need to be proactive about the divorce. After things calm down he then tells me that he doubts he will change his mind and that he will leave it at that. Why he is being so confusing? I am totally clueless as to what he wants. Is he just unsure of himself and what he want? I just don't know what to do. I know I just need to let go and take care of myself and better myself which I am doing by going to therapy etc for my own problems. He can't see that I can change and that will take time for those changes to happen and for him to see.
habs53 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 One minute my H who I have been separated from for 2 weeks says we will have our space to work on our selves and see where we are in a couple of months whether it will end in divorce and then he gets pissed for some reason and then tell me he wants a divorce, he hates me and that we need to be proactive about the divorce. After things calm down he then tells me that he doubts he will change his mind and that he will leave it at that. Why he is being so confusing? I am totally clueless as to what he wants. Is he just unsure of himself and what he want? I just don't know what to do. I know I just need to let go and take care of myself and better myself which I am doing by going to therapy etc for my own problems. He can't see that I can change and that will take time for those changes to happen and for him to see. Your not giving much information. Do you expect he is seeing someone? Maybe a midlife crisis? Did you cheat on him?
Author spots94 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 No cheating and no he is not seeing anyone pretty positive about that. The reason we are separated is because of money problems that I have created over the years. I am getting help for my issues and I am in therapy right now and it is helping greatly, he thinks I will change over night but that will take time to change. I have basically decided that I need to detach myself from him and just worry about changing myself for the better and to take care of my kids. If he can't see that I have changed and still doesn't want to be with me than I don't want to be with someone that can't apprciate me. Its just one minute he wants a divorce and to start thinking of the terms of it and then the next minute he will jsut give me my time to work on myself and see what happens, does this mean he is just unsure of what he wants? I know he is hurting and angry with me and he says these things to make me feel worse than I already do.
habs53 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 No cheating and no he is not seeing anyone pretty positive about that. The reason we are separated is because of money problems that I have created over the years. I am getting help for my issues and I am in therapy right now and it is helping greatly, he thinks I will change over night but that will take time to change. I have basically decided that I need to detach myself from him and just worry about changing myself for the better and to take care of my kids. If he can't see that I have changed and still doesn't want to be with me than I don't want to be with someone that can't apprciate me. Its just one minute he wants a divorce and to start thinking of the terms of it and then the next minute he will jsut give me my time to work on myself and see what happens, does this mean he is just unsure of what he wants? I know he is hurting and angry with me and he says these things to make me feel worse than I already do. I honestly dont think he wants to divorce you. Just upset with you. Carry on what your doing and show him change. He will come through for you.
Author spots94 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Well thats what I am going to do. It hurts but I can't sit there and wait for him I need to think for myself and better myself. I know it will take a very long time before there is even a chance of things working out. My H also has OCD and he is not medicated currently but he is obessing over this money thing, I know heI did wrong, but I know him well enough that all he is thinking about is that and nothing else. He got upset with me the other day because I wanted the king size bed and told me why would I need a bed so big but then later that day he hates me and says he hated me more everyday and wants a divorce. I just have to stop listening to him cause I know he is just trying to make me feel worse than I already do. I know I am going in the right direction and do the right things, I am seeking therapy and I am going to start finding another job to prepare myself for the future incase it is not with him.
habs53 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Well thats what I am going to do. It hurts but I can't sit there and wait for him I need to think for myself and better myself. I know it will take a very long time before there is even a chance of things working out. My H also has OCD and he is not medicated currently but he is obessing over this money thing, I know heI did wrong, but I know him well enough that all he is thinking about is that and nothing else. He got upset with me the other day because I wanted the king size bed and told me why would I need a bed so big but then later that day he hates me and says he hated me more everyday and wants a divorce. I just have to stop listening to him cause I know he is just trying to make me feel worse than I already do. I know I am going in the right direction and do the right things, I am seeking therapy and I am going to start finding another job to prepare myself for the future incase it is not with him. Yes for sure, look after number one first. Maybe give him some space. I think your relation ship still has a chance but it will take 2.
spriggig Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I just have to stop listening to him cause I know he is just trying to make me feel worse than I already do. I know I am going in the right direction and do the right things, I am seeking therapy and I am going to start finding another job to prepare myself for the future in case it is not with him. Do meds help him? I just read that some with OCD are helped by meds and some aren't. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds like you have a solid plan, though. Good luck.
Author spots94 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) Thank you everyone for the great advice, I read the 180 thing and I am trying to stick to that I know what I need to do its just so hard to detach yourself from someone you have been with for a long time and that you love very much still. But I know I need to do this for me and thats all I can do. Hopefully he will see the postive changes in me down the road and also work on himself too.He is not currently taking any meds for his OCD he did as a child when it was really bad he hasn't taken any in his adult life for the OCD. He is currently on antidepressants which I don't think help out very much. Edited July 16, 2010 by spots94
wrencn Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Thank you everyone for the great advice, I read the 180 thing and I am trying to stick to that I know what I need to do its just so hard to detach yourself from someone you have been with for a long time and that you love very much still. But I know I need to do this for me and thats all I can do. Hopefully he will see the postive changes in me down the road and also work on himself too.He is not currently taking any meds for his OCD he did as a child when it was really bad he hasn't taken any in his adult life for the OCD. He is currently on antidepressants which I don't think help out very much. I take Buspirone which has really helped me with my OCD (I was an obsessive cleaner- 8 hours a day every day). It is an anti anxiety medication. Maybe you could tell your husband about it.
habs53 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I take Buspirone which has really helped me with my OCD (I was an obsessive cleaner- 8 hours a day every day). It is an anti anxiety medication. Maybe you could tell your husband about it. You like cleaning? You are welcome at my house any time hehe. Sorry lol:p
gobbleguts Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Lexapro here!!!! It helps me not obsess about anything, heck I even stopped brushing my teeth. j/k
Author spots94 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 We are not really talking that much unless its about our kids, so I don't think I will make any suggestions on meds, he will just take it the wrong way. Having a hard time tonight this is the 1st time I have been away from my son, I will not see him until Sunday night. But this is good time that I need to myself, but its still hard.
wrencn Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Lexapro here!!!! It helps me not obsess about anything, heck I even stopped brushing my teeth. j/k Lexapro made me a lazy zombie lol. I didn't care if the house was a wreck. F-it was my motto on lexapro. Zoloft + buspirone = normal for me. Habs- I do love to clean - it calms me down and clears my head. I'm a perfectionist. Spots- go out to eat or get a really great workout in. Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it- stop beating yourself up.
habs53 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 We are not really talking that much unless its about our kids, so I don't think I will make any suggestions on meds, he will just take it the wrong way. Having a hard time tonight this is the 1st time I have been away from my son, I will not see him until Sunday night. But this is good time that I need to myself, but its still hard. First time is very tuff. I sat on my sons bed for an hour when he was gone. It well be ok.
Author spots94 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 Well few days have passed since I last posted and I have been doing the LC and 180 with the H. We have been separated for 3 weeks. I have noticed small changes he doesn't seem as angry with me because I don't cry, beg, plead etc. around him anymore. If I have to see him or talk to him because of kids I am happy act like the person that he feel in love with not the mean, nasty women I have been become the last few years of our marriage. Our sons b-day is coming in a few weeks and he actually agreed to go to his party. Which about a week and a half ago he did not want to do anything as a family, he told me why should our son suffer and his is right, he needs to be a man and put his differences with me aside for his sons sake. I don't talk about the realtionship anymore either. I am continuing to better myself and I feel my old self coming back slowly, like I told him these changes just don't happen overnight. He told me some things never change and I told him they can if I want them too, I can change anything about myself that I want to and only I can do that. I have no hopes for anything, and I just don't think he has thought about anything but the anger and that is slowly going away. I have read the book Divorce Remedy and it really has helped me do what I need to do. If I do all this and in the end I know I did everything I could to save our marriage. Things always werent so bad even right up until the separation we had alot of good times as a couple and a family, I just don't see how he can say he hates me. Someone told me he using his anger so he doesn't have to deal with the emotions of what is happening, could be right.
solitary_man Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 (edited) give him what he wishes. if he wants space, give him space. nothing drives an indecisive spouse away like begging... but it sounds like you've realized that. you're doing right by working on you. That's probably what he wants, even if he hasn't said it. As long as you're working on you, he feels better in two ways: 1. there's a possibility you can make the behavioral modifications necessary for him to see you as he once saw you when you both fell in love. 2. as long as you're bettering yourself, he won't have to feel as much guilt for leaving you to your own devices... like financial ruin. Either way it's going to take pressure off him and help him to focus on what it is he wants. Stay friendly, respect his wishes, give him space... at the very least you can (and should) be proud of yourself for recognizing your own vices and working on them so diligently. That probably doesn't help out much when the loneliness creeps in, but hold on, be patient with him and yourself, and just ride it out for a while. That old you is still in there. Edited July 19, 2010 by solitary_man
Author spots94 Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 He did tell me that he wants me to work on myself and take care of myself which is what I am doing. I realized that begging, pleading and crying etc. will get me nowhere with him just make him angrier. The last 5 days have been pretty peaceful I haven't heard one negative thing from him and I am feeling better about myself everyday. I having been seeing a therapist and it is helping greatly. I never would go to one before, well I did once but the guy was a jerk and I never went back. But this therapists is great. I am going to hold on and give him his space. One thing I never had really before is patience and I am learning that greatly!
Author spots94 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 Things have been pretty calm with my H for a week and a half.I have given him is space and only talked to him when necessary regarding the kids. In other people's experience is this a good sign, I am giving him what he wants he seems really unsure if what he wants to do. We have not taked about our relationship in about a wek and a half. My son came to me the other day and told me that daddy told him how mommy and daddy might work things out but we have a lot of differences right now and that if we do we would move into a new house. My H also mentioned to my son how his parents where separted for 6 months and they worked out their problems and ended up happier than ever. My therapist think my H is using this as an example that there is hope for us to work out. My therapist also said the key to us possibly getting back together is me getting a job which I am currently working on. I want to be able to help pay off the debt I have created over the years thats the reason we separated to begin with. Any opinions would be great.
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