jenebear818 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I have been in a serious commited relationship for 7 months now. We are very compatible and the connection is strong. My boyfriend is very dedicated to the relationship and shows his love through things that he does for me. We are making plans for the future as well. Commitment is not my problem. My problem is that after all that I said, he blows hot and cold with his emotions. Sometimes he is loving and sometimes he is very distant and withdrawn. It makes me feel insecure. He has had a rough past with relationships and I am thinking he withdraws emotionally due to not wanting to be hurt. Am I right here people? Are there ways to get him to stop being like this? Once again fear of commitment is not a problem here.
that girl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 How often is he withdrawing and how? If it is something like when he has a rough day he needs a couple of hours alone, that is mostly a personality thing. It isn't going to change and the most you could do is get him to change how he withdraws (ie letting you know he needs some alone time rather than snapping at you). If he is just a jerk sometimes for no reason and doesn't respond to your hurt feelings, you probably need to reconsider the relationship.
bunnixkisses Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Guys need space sometimes, plain and simple. It could be possible that he is withdrawing himself for fear of getting hurt..but he will never tell you that! It sounds like a simple case of "gotta lot on my mind" kinda deal. If he's doing it A LOT...I would question it. But it could be a matter of having a bad day at work, remembering something that upset him, family issues, stress...whatever. Most guys don't talk about their problems..they just let it fester until it goes away. That's kinda what it sounds like to me. Because you guys are so compatible..and neither of you fear commitment..I think it's safe to say he will eventually start opening up
noctone Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I have been in a serious commited relationship for 7 months now. We are very compatible and the connection is strong. My boyfriend is very dedicated to the relationship and shows his love through things that he does for me. We are making plans for the future as well. Commitment is not my problem. My problem is that after all that I said, he blows hot and cold with his emotions. Sometimes he is loving and sometimes he is very distant and withdrawn. It makes me feel insecure. He has had a rough past with relationships and I am thinking he withdraws emotionally due to not wanting to be hurt. Am I right here people? Are there ways to get him to stop being like this? Once again fear of commitment is not a problem here. I know exactly how you feel, because my girlfriend is almost exactly like your boyfriend. It's like having a blackbox for a partner, by which I mean that their behaviors are completely unpredictable. It's this unpredictability that causes insecurity. For me, as I suspect it is for you, the insecurity is not in the relationship but in myself. Why? Because I don't know how to act around her. She usually keeps her emotions, thoughts and feelings hidden away inside of her, so outwardly she seems the same in the moments that she wants affection, conversation and intimacy as she does in the moments that she just wants to be left alone. I suspect of my girlfriend, as you do of your boyfriend, that she has not a fear of commitment but rather a fear of abandonment. Her father disappeared from her life for essentially all of her childhood, and she's been burned by quite a few boyfriends. Hell, one of her boyfriends left her for another woman a mere week after they had finally said "I love you" to each other. I'm still trying to figure out just exactly how to deal with it myself (we're only 3.5 months into the relationship) and thus don't know if I can offer any helpful advice, but my advice is this: just be there for him. When he wants to open up let him open up, and when he wants space give him space. Prove to him with your love that you can be trusted, and hopefully he'll eventually starting opening up more and more. The wounds of abandonment run deep and can take a long time to heal.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 The only way to discourage this behavior is not to acknowledge it, to let him have his reasonable distance without freaking out about it. When people know they are not obligated to be lovey 100% of the time (or do anything all the time), they feel freer to express their love because there's no pressure. Psychological studies have shown that it's perfectly normal and healthy to have periods of closeness alternating with periods of reasonable distance. Connecting closely is rejuvenating in some ways, tiring in others. Same for distance. Most humans and animals of various species go through these cycles. Even my cat alternates between being clingy and lovey, and doing her own thing alone off in some other part of the house. As long as he's not stretching too far out away from you, this doesn't have to be a problem. Use this as an opportunity to work on your own issues. You said this behavior triggers insecure feelings in you. What are those about? What are you afraid of? It's possible those have more to do with your own fears and worries than anything.
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