This post is embarrassing but I need to get it out and talk about it!

[moxo]

I've always had a problem with obsessing. When boyfriends have said they want space after an argument, I can't do it, and I wil call over and over to get them to talk to me about it. I'm currently in therapy working on it. Also, I'm in my mid-20s and boyfriend is in his 30's.

 

Ok so last night, my boyfriend of a few years was supposed to come over because we hadn't seen each other for a week. When he hadn't called by 7 I was a bit disappointed because I had hoped we would have dinner. Anyway, so I rang him, and he was just finishing up some stuff at home, said nothing about plans so I had a bit of cranky attitude towards him and I asked if we were actually going to do anything (I asked it with attitude ), he got cranky and said no, forget about it, we're not doing anything and hung up on me. So I left it for half an hour and called him, I was planning to apologise and try to work it out, and he didn't answer. He then sent me a text basically saying "please just leave me be tonight, I need to calm down and rest. Will talk to u tomorrow, love you.".

 

Now this is the embarrassing part.

 

I was SO disappointed at not seeing him that all my therapy went out the window and I just freaked out. I called him about 25 times in like 50 minutes, sent heaps of text messages saying how upset I was, I missed him, loved him, asking him to talk to me etc. During this he answered no calls, but sent 2 messages saying "just do what I asked, stop calling me tonight" and "stop acting like a needy child, you aren't being a partner, I will talk to you when I'm ready".

 

Ok so that was about 8-9pm last night. Its now midday, and he still won't talk to me. I called him a couple of times this morning because I started getting really upset and wanted to work it out with him but he is still ignoring me. I know I acted like a complete psycho last night, and I can understand that he would want some space last night to just sleep and get over it - but why not talk to me today?? I'm terrified that I have screwed things up by falling into old bad habits (that he cannot stand by the way). I'm trying to not call him anymore, its just the thing is - I want to know if he's ignoring me because we're over and he just doesn't want to confront me about it, or he really just wants some time to calm down and process things?

 

Sorry for the long post, I'm just really starting to panic about the whole situation...

[Star Gazer]

Okay, I'm just going to be blunt here.

 

I can understand that he would want some space last night to just sleep and get over it - but why not talk to me today??

 

You don't know? Really? He said:

 

"stop acting like a needy child, you aren't being a partner, I will talk to you when I'm ready".

 

Clearly, HE is not ready to talk. Just because you are ready, doesn't mean he is. You're making matters worse here.

 

I'm terrified that I have screwed things up by falling into old bad habits (that he cannot stand by the way). I'm trying to not call him anymore, its just the thing is - I want to know if he's ignoring me because we're over and he just doesn't want to confront me about it, or he really just wants some time to calm down and process things?

 

If it's over, calling him isn't going to help.

 

If it's not yet over, and he's on the edge, calling him isn't going to help.

 

If he needs time to calm down from your annoying phone calls, calling him isn't going to help.

 

STOP CALLING/TEXTING HIM. He will reach out to you when he's ready.

[Lovingmargy]

Not trying to be mean, but you kind of are acting bad here. It does not seem like is over, but he is giving you some signs that the situation is causing him stress. Let him be, think about it, and you need time to control yourself as well. It is going to be hard, but you have to ask yourself if this is what you really want. Calm yourself first, and when you are both calm,then apologize. He cares about you, he just needs space for now. Hope it helps!

[Els]

Firstly, I don't think you're the sole culprit in all of this. Many things our partners do can bring out the insecurities and plain crazy thoughts in all of us - that is not to say that we're not responsible for restraining ourselves, but it takes two to tango. Yes, you COULD have just asked, 'What time are you coming over?' instead of getting a little cranky, but he could have just responded with a FAR more normal, 'You need to be patient, I had some stuff to settle and I'm coming soon', or even a slightly annoyed, 'Coming, coming, geez' ... his reaction was way over the top IMO. Unless there's something you aren't telling us about. Also, I would frankly be quite hurt if the bf didn't try to make plans after a whole week (barring circumstances such as being extremely busy, etc).

 

Now, you definitely should have let him be after he texted you, though - that is the part that you have to work on. But my point is.. BOTH of you have stuff to work on, the fault isn't just with you.

[Jemay]

Respect his wish and leave him alone for a bit.... sure you may want to know what will happen to you guys right now but that doesn't matter just now.... you need to chill and relax, breathe, and give him a bit of space..... if you don't the relationship will be over at some point anyways.... trust me on that.

 

20s and 30s can be at times a huge difference in maturation.... Sometimes when people are younger, they've not explored their world, things they enjoy, things they are curious about and as a result they often fixate on relationships, like that is all that matters and take that away, they feel lost. Use this time to not stare at the phone and wait for him to call..... maybe go to a bookshop and see if you find something you like, or go for a run, see a movie by yourself, take a yoga class....... something, anything that will take the focus of this right now as it doesn't seem very healthy to me. Take care!

[moxo]

StarGazer - I'm trying really hard to fight the urge to contact and to remember all the things my therapist has said, its just hard not knowing what is going on. I've never been one to wait around for things, I make them happen, so having to sit back while he decides the fate of our relationship is killing me I do understand what you're saying, I'ev been telling myself the same thing, I'm just struggling to fight the urges!!

 

Lovingmargy - I know, I am and have acted TERRIBLY. I wish so much I had just calmed down last night and then this wouldn't be happening! I sent him a text apologising and haven't heard anything so I guess he's still mad about it?

 

Elswyth - We haven't been able to see each other due to conflicting work schedules, he works a swing shift, and I work during the day so this was a bad week for catching up. But last night was the ONE NIGHT we both had free and we didn't do anything because of the argument. I thought he overreacted too, despite being cranky he should still have wanted to take the time to catch up I thought. And I reacted the way I did because I was so hurt that he didn't want to see me...

[Star Gazer]

StarGazer - I'm trying really hard to fight the urge to contact and to remember all the things my therapist has said, its just hard not knowing what is going on. I've never been one to wait around for things, I make them happen, so having to sit back while he decides the fate of our relationship is killing me I do understand what you're saying, I'ev been telling myself the same thing, I'm just struggling to fight the urges!!

 

Two problems with this train of thought.

 

1. You can't make him do anything. People cannot be controlled.

 

2. He's not in sole control over the fate of your relationship. He didn't act so cool either. You have just as much power to walk away as he does. Why aren't you?

[spiderowl]

You've got a problem you need to deal with or it will ruin your relationships. It's not nice for someone to disappear after a dispute and refuse to talk but it's particularly bad for you because you have this extreme reaction to any brief withdrawal.

 

Firstly, you need help to deal with this anxiety. Fear is rushing through you and you are reacting as if you have to act to protect yourself. You need to accept that the fear welling up is probably related to a past scary situation that affected you badly and isn't necessarily something you need to act on in a present. Why do you think that calling him constantly is going to get a good reaction from him? You need to learn to let him go - for short periods and for longer periods. You may need to let him go completely in this instance as he's probably had enough.

 

It seems you realise you have a problem but still can't handle it. What is the worst that would happen if you didn't call him? If he left, then you can't stop him by calling. He's OK so you don't need to call him to see if he is. You are terribly afraid of separation from him and this must be a constant pressure for him. If you carry on like this, he will go. Your reactions are akin to a phobia and maybe a different type of therapy is appropriate - I don't know what you are getting now though.

 

Therapy will help you, I'm sure, especially if it deals with separation anxiety and obsessive compulsive behaviour. Have you ever felt like this in the past, in your childhood? What triggered it? Did it ever get resolved or have you still got this underlying fear of being abandoned?

 

Having said all the above and assuming you are going to take responsibility for your own compulsions, he must know that the worst punishment for you is not to be in contact. He is drawing a line beteen you and him at the moment and watching to see how you handle it. He has all the power at the moment. He may be using it to test his power or he may be using it to see if you can gain control of yourself and start acting like a sane adult. This sounds like a version of 'tough love'. Neither of you is happy with this and it is extreme. I think if the lack of communication on his part is prolonged, more than two or three days, then the relationship is pretty much over.

 

OK, so how could he be seeing this? Just suppose ... what do you do when a partner has a compulsion? Firstly, you ask them nicely not to do it. You start to get annoyed if they continue. If they do it every time you want quiet time to yourself, you start to feel trapped. You have a talk with them to try to get them to stop. But if they still carry on, you realise you have no control over their behaviour and all you can do is withdraw from the situation. I would say this is where your boyfrend is now. The only thing you can do is to make sure you are getting the right therapy for your problem and that you are listening to the therapist. If you get this under control, your boyfriend may come back.

[moxo]

Thanks everyone.

 

Spiderowl: "He is drawing a line beteen you and him at the moment and watching to see how you handle it. He has all the power at the moment. He may be using it to test his power or he may be using it to see if you can gain control of yourself and start acting like a sane adult. This sounds like a version of 'tough love'." - I had not thought of it that way. All I've been thinking about is how he is either still really angry at me, or he has just had enough and has switched off. And thats why I'm panicking. I do have abandonment problems from childhood according to the therapist (even though my parents are still together and were loving parents) so that relates to these situations. It might not be the right type of therapy if I'm still reacting this hard to situations.

 

Even though I know I cannot change anything by obsessing about it, for some sick reason, it feels better worrying about it. I feel like I'm in control of something when I'm calling him, like I'm making the choice. I know how ridiculous it sounds.

 

StarGazer - the reason I'm not walking away is because I want to resolve things and get our relationship back to normal. Last week we were happy and things were great. I'm just shocked how quickly all of this has changed.

[Star Gazer]

StarGazer - the reason I'm not walking away is because I want to resolve things and get our relationship back to normal. Last week we were happy and things were great. I'm just shocked how quickly all of this has changed.

 

Did it really change quickly?

 

Because you've been in therapy to deal with this behavior, and it's something he doesn't like...right? I imagine there were other issues before this one incident...right?

[moxo]

Did it really change quickly?

 

Because you've been in therapy to deal with this behavior, and it's something he doesn't like...right? I imagine there were other issues before this one incident...right?

 

There have definitely been issues prior to this, the last one was about 6 months ago. Since then I had really kept it under control ie not calling him all the time and waiting for him to contact me, not getting too upset when he couldn't see me etc. And then just last night, I exploded. It sucks. I've been really stressed out at work and haven't been feeling well, and I think I just lost the fight. I know that sounds weird because it takes more effort to call someone then to not call them, but for me its the other way around. Calling someone is easy, not calling them is really hard.

[Els]

You are terribly afraid of separation from him and this must be a constant pressure for him.

 

I don't get this part. Why would anyone NOT be afraid of the possibility of separation, if they love a person? I think many of us who are in relationships, very much dislike the thought of facing a breakup with the person we are currently with. I think it's a normal feeling and fear, the crux of the matter is HOW we deal with it. Much the same with other negative emotions such as anger, etc.

[Els]

There have definitely been issues prior to this, the last one was about 6 months ago. Since then I had really kept it under control ie not calling him all the time and waiting for him to contact me, not getting too upset when he couldn't see me etc. And then just last night, I exploded. It sucks. I've been really stressed out at work and haven't been feeling well, and I think I just lost the fight. I know that sounds weird because it takes more effort to call someone then to not call them, but for me its the other way around. Calling someone is easy, not calling them is really hard.

 

Has this been a major problem in all your other relationships as well?

[Britney23]

I can relate to how you think. Firstly, if you wanted to see him you probably should've tried to plan something earlier that day instead of waiting until 7 to call him when you were already in a disappointed mood. Never assume what someone else is thinking.

 

I think your boyfriend definitely overreacted to your comment though and if my boyfriend ever hung up on me i would call him back straight away and tell him never to hang up on me again, i just think its so rude. The fact that you waited half an hour and you were going to apologise tells me you are probably too nice to him. And again I think it is so rude that he didn't even have the decency to answer his phone. I would probably repeatedly call my boyfriend too in the circumstances because I would be soo annoyed.

 

I don't know if its over or he just needs some space but I don't think you should be the one apologising that's for sure. He should be apologising to you for being so rude and ignoring you. Well yeah he did text you but I think you deserve at least a phone call if your not going to see each other. He's just making the situation way worse by punishing you by not speaking to you when you didn't even do anything wrong.

 

But as I said above, you need to be more direct with him and tell him what you want. The night or morning before you should've just told him "cant wait to see you tonight, i'm coming over hope thats cool..."