This Hurts Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 In the past few days I've gotten about three emails from her. I don't know what to do. Like I've mentioned before, she has Bipolar disorder and I think a manic episode triggered not only her breaking up with me, but the sh*t she's been doing since. She's been emailing me frequently lately and I'm not sure how to take it, 'cause I don't know if this means she's coming out of the manic episode, and if she is... I'm not sure what to do about it. The first email was this: the disgusting thing about me is that deep down i know that everything in my life right now is wrong, everything i'm doing is so wrong. deep down, i know it's you i thrive for. soul mate. 'I have this habit of punishing things.' The second email was a link to her blog, nothing else, just the link. So that leaves me to wonder why she wants me to look at her blog? And this is the third email, which she sent sometime in the middle of the night, probably couldn't sleep i hate these lonely bipolar nights. gives me far too much time to think and i was thinking of something.. that i always told you (and myself) that i had no control. well, that much is true, only when you're out of my life. you controlled me, kept me stable. man, i wish i was sleeping next to you right now. I only replied to the third one, and it was telling her that basically I had been doing this with her for almost 4 years, I couldn't play this back-and-forth game with her anymore, I feel it's time to let go and move forward with my life and that I felt like I was finally growing up. To which she replied this morning with this (note, I'm turning 19 tomorrow which is what she's referring to at the end): Logan, I can't find the right words to reply to this. I'm serious. this is a ****ing apocolypse djghaflkgcjvlskdjgvailkdsfsgjvladflkgcxjvszdfklcxgjvzadslcxgjv i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you happy ALLLMMOOSST birthday, beautiful. Apocalypse, LOL! That brought some laughter into my day, but I know that's her way of telling me she feels like the world's ending (she's said that before). But I don't know what to make of these emails. I didn't reply to the first ones and usually she'd leave it at that, but she didn't. I didn't reply 'cause I thought she was just trying to f*ck with my head, but she kept going and now I just think she's coming out of her manic episode and into a depressive episode and she's just crying out for help. The one thing I'm truly scared of is that she'll actually kill herself and then I know it'll be my fault 'cause I'm the only one who ever looked after or took care of her and I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life. I don't know what her current conditions are concerning her family since I haven't been speaking to her, but the 3.5 years I was with her, they weren't very supportive. Her dad is in and out of jail and he does drugs, her mom also has Bipolar disorder and she's just an absent mother all together, her younger sister hates her 'cause she's (my ex) a b*tch (in all honesty), and her older brother who's around 22 just had a kid with a 40-year-old woman who already has 3 kids, and he just doesn't have his life together at all. When I was with her and she would have her moodswings and feel suicidal and actually take a bunch of pills, I would tell her mom and all she did was ask her about it and of course all she had to do was deny it until next time, where I would tell her mom again, and eventually the cycle just got old and nobody pays attention to her anymore. Though now my ex is into heavy drugs (well, the only one I know of for sure is cocaine), she isn't seeing a therapist, and if she IS on medications, I can guarantee she's abusing them since she's also been abusing OTHER medications that she ISN'T even prescribed to (adderall and xanax). I also know she's abusing alcohol. By the way, I only know these things from being in contact with her in May. But knowing her, and also according to her blog and assuming from her depressing emails she's been sending me, she's only gotten worst. Any advice? Should I ask her anything? I don't know what to do and I don't want to give her my new number cause then I'll probably break NC all the time and I'll be back to waiting around for her to contact me and I hated that sh*t.
DenverBachelor Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Any advice? Should I ask her anything? I don't know what to do and I don't want to give her my new number cause then I'll probably break NC all the time and I'll be back to waiting around for her to contact me and I hated that sh*t. Man, trust me on this -- the last thing you want to do is get involved with a woman who is bipolar like this. I'm sure you had some fun with her in the past but the relationship is always going to be high highs and low lows. Find yourself a nice stable woman who is well-balanced and you'll really understand how great a relationship can be when one person isn't bouncing off the walls one minute and threatening to jump the next.
spriggig Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 The one thing I'm truly scared of is that she'll actually kill herself and then I know it'll be my fault 'cause I'm the only one who ever looked after or took care of her and I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life. This could happen. That's why you need to stay in NC even more than most. I had three GF's in my twenties, before I got married at 32. All three lasted from two to three years. I literally have no idea what is going on with two of them as I've had NO CONTACT since we broke up. It was chance, one moved out of state and the other married soon after breaking up with me and she dropped off my radar. They could both be dead for all I know--could have committed suicide, for all I know. A suicide is like a nuclear bomb going off in the middle of a relationship web--friends, family, co-workers--much worse than death by accident or disease. The fallout can cause major depression, divorce of parents, even additional suicides. If you stand around the edges of this, you could get burned.
LoveTruthChaos Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 The one thing I'm truly scared of is that she'll actually kill herself and then I know it'll be my fault 'cause I'm the only one who ever looked after or took care of her and I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life. She's a HEADCASE and she's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. DO NOT MAKE HER YOUR PROBLEM. My ex threatened the same things when we were together. I broke it off with him because I couldn't stand the drama, manipulation and emotional blackmail. To be perfectly honest...if he did kill himself, I DON'T CARE. Not my problem. Please - for your own sanity for the rest of your life: DO NOT GIVE HER THE TIME OF DAY. Best of luck
TaraMaiden Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I have a bi-polar relative. She is so phukked up, everything is about her, everyone feels everything less than she does, and everybody is less sensitive/vulnerable/fragile than she is. All because her bi-polar condition gives her carte-blanche to behave in extreme ways. Everyone around her always has to pick her up - and the pieces - and make allowances and compensate for her "illness". She makes everybody's life hell, then becomes all complacent, compliant, sweet-as-pie, asks for forgiveness and says she can't help it. And everyone is supposed to pat her on the head, say "there there, we know, it's ok, you didn't mean it...." all this does is give her emotional and psychological permission to repeat her behaviour because of course, people will be understanding and just keep taking it. This is why now, her family consists of two people. Her, and her partner. everybody has just grown fed up, because she's devious, cunning and manipulative, and plays on her condition for sympathy. You need to take practical measures to make sure her e-mails don't reach you. Either program your e-mail engine to assign her emails to your spam/bin, or change your e-mail address and Don't Tell Her!! You must protect yourself. she is still using you as her soft place to fall. all this verbal diarrhoea is just her way of venting and getting it out of her system. She's still using you as her whipping post. You must take physical, actual, stringent measures to prevent you reading these stupid mails, or block yourself form receiving them. This is just ridiculous. Please, don't end up as her doormat.
jlr Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 That's a rough spot to be in. I'd agree with the others though, that you need to stay away from it. It will only drag you down. You've tried to help her and be there for her for a long time now, it's up to her to fix herself. You can't save people. Trust me. I've often wondered if my ex wasn't bi-polar. Her mood swings were always strange to me. That's why the breakup was hard, because I don't think she knows what she wants from one minute to the next. And her indecision kept going even after we split. Now she's marrying some dude after like 9 months of knowing him (we were together 5 yrs), and I ran into her outside a show this weekend, where she went on about how she doesn't know if it's the right thing, and was a crying mess about her family, and all this other stuff. How she's ****ed up....blah blah blah. I just realized listening to her that she isn't going to change. She'll do the same thing she did to me with this dude. She'll change her mind. She never knows anything because she doesn't know herself. And instead of going to therapy and working on these things, she just likes to drag people into her miserable hole. But these people need to not be enabled. They keep doing it because nice people like us allow them to. Let this girl sort her own **** out. And you get on with your life. Good luck dude, we're rooting for you.
Author This Hurts Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Thank you everyone. It was all great advice and it helped shed some light. I haven't emailed her back and she emailed me again today (at 3:30 am), but it was just saying "happy 19th birthday, love." Tara, everything you said was absolutely true and even though it hurts to admit that at least I'm being honest with myself I'm scared all this sh*t with her is going to scar me deep and it'll always make me feel uneasy when thinking about her or everything that has happened with her, good or bad. Indifference seems impossible to reach. I'm protective over everyone I care about—that's just my nature—and I guess it's amplified with her since I love her and I always felt sympathy towards her and the stuff she went through as a kid and all that. So even after everything she made me go through, if I see her down and broken, I'm tempted to pick her up and help her. I know I need to stop that, though. It just feels weird 'cause I feel like I'm stopping myself from doing something that is ultimately selfless. Overall, I just feel weird about it but I know what needs to be done. So again, thank you everyone.
TaraMaiden Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 This Hurts, let me just give you a personal indicator: In Buddhism (and no, I'm not going all religious and shoving it down your throat) we consider that Compassion comes in two Guises: there's Wise Compassion and Idiot Compassion. Wise Compassion, is exactly that: Compassion coupled with Wisdom, common sense, foresight, or a sensible outlook. Idiot Compassion is done out of a sense of loyalty and protection, but in fact hinders progress and doesn't really help. A bit like the saying, "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he eats for life." The first is idiotic, the second is wise. so far (if you would forgive me for saying so) your Compassion has been fuelled by love, sympathy, pity and a sense of duty. Which unfortunately, while doubtless well-intentioned and sincerely meant, has been under the "Idiot Compassion" umbrella. You have to consider that Wise Compassion is also self-preserving, because when it comes to us being Compassionate, we ourselves are not excluded and also deserve it. Wise Compassion is mutually serving and beneficial. It honours, protects and nourishes both. And sometimes, Wise Compassion means taking the hard route. I will leave it at that, for you to consider.
mikezombie777 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 TaraMaiden is correct, I think. It's like putting a band aid over a deep cut, when it should really be getting stitched. If you go back into the picture she's going to be less inclined to seek proper help because she'll feel 'comfortable' while she's with you. She needs help, but not from you. You're not the right person to be doing this. If you truly care about her, you have to be cruel to be kind in this particular situation.
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