EYECANDY000 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 At the moment my bf and I are not speaking because we had an argument. But a few days ago we were texting each other and he stated that he could never trust me or any women. He went on to say " how can he believe that I wont leave him, when his mom left him. He has always has issues with women. He stated that he trust me, but not really. Im not sure what I can do or say to get him to know that I wont leave him. Has anyone ever experienced this before. Knowing that you are with someone who would never fully trust you?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Well, I've been with a guy who was "burned" by women in the past, and had high emotional walls. Here's the thing: You are never going to heal a guy like this. You can be a loving, supportive presence in his life, but you cannot heal the parts of him that were hurt. Only he can do that, preferably with the assistance of a very good therapist.
TouchedByViolet Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Your situation doesn't sound very good eyecandy000... There are a 2 things I think could be going one. 1 - He genuinely doesn't trust women. If this is the case you better just move on. You can't fix him. I don't even think this is the case though. 2 - He isn't interested in a your relationship (to some degree) and needs an excuse. Talk to him and find out what is REALLY bothering him. Thats where I would start.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Well, I've been with a guy who was "burned" by women in the past, and had high emotional walls. Here's the thing: You are never going to heal a guy like this. You can be a loving, supportive presence in his life, but you cannot heal the parts of him that were hurt. Only he can do that, preferably with the assistance of a very good therapist. Thanks Ruby, I do think he needs to see a therapist, but he doesnt see how a therapist would benefit him. Plus he doesnt want to pay for it. you think its impossible to heal someone like this. I do feel like people change
Author EYECANDY000 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Your situation doesn't sound very good eyecandy000... There are a 2 things I think could be going one. 1 - He genuinely doesn't trust women. If this is the case you better just move on. You can't fix him. I don't even think this is the case though. 2 - He isn't interested in a your relationship (to some degree) and needs an excuse. Talk to him and find out what is REALLY bothering him. Thats where I would start. Its hard to move on, when I truely love him and want to help him. Ive tried talking to him and he stated that its not even my fault. He has a block when it comes to trusting women.
Jilly Bean Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Candy - the biggest mistake women make in relationships is in thinking they will change a man. Your BF has already told you his issues, and told you he has no plans to work on them. So, you have a choice. Either accept him as he is and stop trying to get him into therapy, etc., or move on.
make me believe Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Candy - the biggest mistake women make in relationships is in thinking they will change a man. Your BF has already told you his issues, and told you he has no plans to work on them. So, you have a choice. Either accept him as he is and stop trying to get him into therapy, etc., or move on. I agree! Except I think you just need to move on. He isn't interested in fixing this problem, so it's always going to BE a problem. He won't ever trust you but both of you will justify it by saying "but his mom abandoned him...." Whatever. At some point people need to grow up and deal with their pasts instead of letting their past dictate their present. I get so sick of people trying to blame everything on something that happened to them decades ago. Get some therapy to deal with it or STFU about it, in my opinion!
redmelon Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 He didn't say he has a problem and that he's been working on it or plans to work on it. He just said that he knows that it's an issue. Don't expect him to change for you because his issues aren't about you.
TheLoneSock Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Well, I've been with a guy who was "burned" by women in the past, and had high emotional walls. Here's the thing: You are never going to heal a guy like this. You can be a loving, supportive presence in his life, but you cannot heal the parts of him that were hurt. Only he can do that, preferably with the assistance of a very good therapist. I can't agree with this entirely. I'm not advocating for this guy, because I don't know him, his entire situation, or what he's capable of. But personally I can say that it is possible for a woman to break down your walls, no matter how high you build them. I have very high walls myself and there have been a couple girls that found a way over, or through them in the past. I have no doubts in the healing ability of women. They are naturals at it.
melodymatters Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Has anyone ever experienced this before. Knowing that you are with someone who would never fully trust you? Yes Dear, oh MY yes ! He was put up for adoption when he was already one years old. His adoptive mother was a bit of a cold, angry type. He is now 46 and divorced twice. This was always his excuse for his coldness, his lack of physical or emotional closeness, his thriftiness. I have other friends and relatives that were adopted or not close with their moms who went on to be super people, husbands and dads. So, my conclusion is that it's not the situation that makes them ....skitzy, it's the fact they chose to still dwell there that gives US the warning flag that they won't be able to overcome it. As they say in alcoholics anon. " You didn't cause it, you can't cure it".
Author EYECANDY000 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 I dont think he is totally againist a therapist, but he just dont see the point of telling a stranger his problems. I understand that I cant change him, but i dont know how to go about it. Clearly this is a part os his character. because its a repeated cycle with all of his relationships. I dont think none of his relationships have ever been successful to the point where they were together for a long period , continually... Like I stated earlier him and I have been together for alomst a year now, and we break up every month. him doing the breaking up.
sugarmomma Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I dont think he is totally againist a therapist, but he just dont see the point of telling a stranger his problems. I understand that I cant change him, but i dont know how to go about it. Clearly this is a part os his character. because its a repeated cycle with all of his relationships. I dont think none of his relationships have ever been successful to the point where they were together for a long period , continually... Like I stated earlier him and I have been together for alomst a year now, and we break up every month. him doing the breaking up. So he breaks up with you every month? And you take him back? If so, you have some boundary issues with him and you need to draw a line while you're trying to figure out a resolution to his issues. He is damaged and this r will always be one sided if he isn't willing to open up to you.
Stung Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks Ruby, I do think he needs to see a therapist, but he doesnt see how a therapist would benefit him. Plus he doesnt want to pay for it. you think its impossible to heal someone like this. I do feel like people change I have been the one who couldn't trust others, namely men. You are right that people can change--to an extent--but Ruby is right in telling you that YOU can't make him/help him change, he has to do it for himself, and it's not easy. Right now it sounds like he's in a negative cycle and has no real motivation to try to help himself. And he's pulling you down with him. Serious emotional damage requires a lot of heavy emotional WORK to heal properly, not just the passage of time, certainly not simple retreat into negativity.
sagetalk Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 At the moment my bf and I are not speaking because we had an argument. But a few days ago we were texting each other and he stated that he could never trust me or any women. He went on to say " how can he believe that I wont leave him, when his mom left him. He has always has issues with women. He stated that he trust me, but not really. Im not sure what I can do or say to get him to know that I wont leave him. Has anyone ever experienced this before. Knowing that you are with someone who would never fully trust you? He said he trusts you, then he says he doesn't. Sounds like he's a liar and can't be trusted either unless you've done something to break it. I don't think it's an issue of trust as much as it is something he can hold over you, a type of sympathy card to excuse his behavior. He is showing signs of immaturity, and signs that he is untrustworthy (or doing something that would make you not trust him). It's a classic case of pointing the blame away from himself even though he is actually the one doing something bad. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but he may be in the process of doing something that he knows would make you not trust him.
gamma1 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I dont think none of his relationships have ever been successful to the point where they were together for a long period , continually... Like I stated earlier him and I have been together for alomst a year now, and we break up every month. him doing the breaking up. What do you see in him that makes you desire him? What are his positive traits? Is this enough to make you want to stay with him and deal with the drama that seems endless?
sagetalk Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I dont think he is totally againist a therapist, but he just dont see the point of telling a stranger his problems. I understand that I cant change him, but i dont know how to go about it. Clearly this is a part os his character. because its a repeated cycle with all of his relationships. I dont think none of his relationships have ever been successful to the point where they were together for a long period , continually... Like I stated earlier him and I have been together for alomst a year now, and we break up every month. him doing the breaking up. I say this with your best interest in mind and not to be mean or hurtful. I think you need to dump this guy and go to counseling without him. You are clinging onto to poison, yet you want the poison to turn into medicine. This guy is toxic for you.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 So he breaks up with you every month? And you take him back? If so, you have some boundary issues with him and you need to draw a line while you're trying to figure out a resolution to his issues. He is damaged and this r will always be one sided if he isn't willing to open up to you. I do have boundary issues.. I've actually gotten a lot better as far as holding my ground. But I think he knows that no matter what I will take him back. And yes, we are very happry foor a month or so and bam he dumps me again
Hot Carl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 At the moment my bf and I are not speaking because we had an argument. But a few days ago we were texting each other and he stated that he could never trust me or any women. He went on to say " how can he believe that I wont leave him, when his mom left him. He has always has issues with women. He stated that he trust me, but not really. Im not sure what I can do or say to get him to know that I wont leave him. Has anyone ever experienced this before. Knowing that you are with someone who would never fully trust you? My last ex had something happen to her in her life before me that made her untrusting. There was nothing I could do or say, so I stopped trying to prove myself after a while. Because I stopped fighting with her to overcome the issue, she had no reason to fight with me about it. Instead the passion in the relationship suffered because neither of us was forced to care, as perverse as fighting over trust issues leads to caring and passion sounds. The trust issue never got better and we eventually dissolved the relationship. For your own sanity, don't bother trying to earn his trust. People like him will always make you think it's your job to earn their trust and your job to keep it. That's a no-win situation. The truth is trust is given, not earned. If he'll never give it, you'll never have it. And your relationship will never be complete.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 But personally I can say that it is possible for a woman to break down your walls, no matter how high you build them. I have very high walls myself and there have been a couple girls that found a way over, or through them in the past. I have no doubts in the healing ability of women. They are naturals at it. Of course we are. We are wired to mother and nurture. But let me ask you this: Are you still with any of those women? A woman could spend her time, energy, and love healing every broken man in the world. I've done my part on a few of them. But those problems ended up being crippling for those men, and they were ultimately not able to stand as my equal in a strong, long-term relationship. The OP said: "he stated that he could never trust me or any women". Without trust, you cannot have a strong, lasting relationship. He will not be able to until he deals with his barriers to intimacy and real love. And this is a hard thing to do. I have a very strained relationship with my dad, and I've been fighting that demon my entire life. I'm a pretty intelligent, serious, dedicated person, always working on living a great life. Even so, it isn't until now, my early 30s, that I'm making serious breakthroughs in healing myself from the pain and trauma of childhood. NO MAN can do this for me. He can be there for me, love me, and support me, but slaying my demons -- that is ALL on me.
TheLoneSock Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Of course we are. We are wired to mother and nurture. But let me ask you this: Are you still with any of those women? No I'm not. Why? A woman could spend her time, energy, and love healing every broken man in the world. I've done my part on a few of them. But those problems ended up being crippling for those men, and they were ultimately not able to stand as my equal in a strong, long-term relationship. That is unfortunate. Are you attracted to broken men then, if this has been a recurring thing for you in the past? The OP said: "he stated that he could never trust me or any women". Without trust, you cannot have a strong, lasting relationship. He will not be able to until he deals with his barriers to intimacy and real love. No doubt. That was a cry for help. Professional help, whether he knows it or not. I have a very strained relationship with my dad, and I've been fighting that demon my entire life. I'm a pretty intelligent, serious, dedicated person, always working on living a great life. Even so, it isn't until now, my early 30s, that I'm making serious breakthroughs in healing myself from the pain and trauma of childhood. Does anything from your childhood lead you to believe that may be why you are attracted to broken men, if indeed you are? NO MAN can do this for me. He can be there for me, love me, and support me, but slaying my demons -- that is ALL on me. Good realization.
sugarmomma Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) I do have boundary issues.. I've actually gotten a lot better as far as holding my ground. But I think he knows that no matter what I will take him back. And yes, we are very happry foor a month or so and bam he dumps me again I had a guy that used to do that to me except he would do it to get rid of his guilt for screwing around while we were "broken up". He also talked about how I could not call him while we were broken up and how he couldn't trust me with his feelings. It was all a bunch of crap so he could screw areound during our "breaks". I don't do breaks as a result of that guy. If he wants a break, I will give him a break up. Its game. Needless to say I dumped him after the second time. This guy sounds like bad news. Edited July 15, 2010 by sugarmomma
Woggle Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 This is why I don't use my wife as a therapist like everybody here seems to think I should. I am working really hard on trying to trust women while not being a doormat and it is not easy. I don't want to dump my issues on her lap because I don't want to take them out on her and I know it is a thin line. I feel a lot of sympathy for this guy because I know exactly where he is coming from but if he says he will never trust you no matter what maybe it is time to move on.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Are you attracted to broken men then, if this has been a recurring thing for you in the past? I didn't always realize going in that they had... limitations. But it's easy to see in retrospect. Does anything from your childhood lead you to believe that may be why you are attracted to broken men, if indeed you are? Yes, certainly. I think it's something close to: my dad was so unloving and critical toward me because, in spite of his immense talents at everything he touches, because of his own demons from his younger days, he struggles with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, possibly fear of abandonment, and the like. It has taken years of detective work to arrive at this hypothesis. I think that by loving men who are also very talented and capable, but also struggle with similar insecurities and inadequacies, I am seeking to close that love loop that has never really been closed with my dad. The idea is the same that I had from childhood: if I am good enough, if I give enough love and do everything perfectly, I can turn this into a good, loving family/relationship. But I am a little wiser now, and I realize how my (unconscious) thinking has been flawed.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 What do you see in him that makes you desire him? What are his positive traits? Is this enough to make you want to stay with him and deal with the drama that seems endless? He is one of the good guys. He's honest, respectful, loving. And I know he loves me. It is enough to make me stay but no matter how many times we break up, it is still hard on me. When we aren't together. I miss him like crazy, but also its like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to worry about him dumping me again. I don't have to worry about getting hurt again.
Author EYECANDY000 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 He said he trusts you, then he says he doesn't. Sounds like he's a liar and can't be trusted either unless you've done something to break it. I don't think it's an issue of trust as much as it is something he can hold over you, a type of sympathy card to excuse his behavior. He is showing signs of immaturity, and signs that he is untrustworthy (or doing something that would make you not trust him). It's a classic case of pointing the blame away from himself even though he is actually the one doing something bad. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but he may be in the process of doing something that he knows would make you not trust him. I stated to him that it seems that he trust me to a certain extent. He trust me to have akey to his house, be in his house when hes not there. Have his wallet and monies, but he doesnt trust me with his emotions. He does show signs of not being trustworthy, but I know he is faithful to me. Hes always asking these hypothetical questions about what would I do if his ex came back into his life, and he says things like hes going to leave me. For those reasons its hard for me to get really close to him, but I know he says it because he wants to know that someone loves him. but its still an uneasy feeling.
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