There is always hope

[lupa]

Hello all.

 

I haven't been around for quite some time, probably getting on to nearly a year. In that time I've had an incredible journey...

 

Let me start by saying I am engaged. Yup. For those of you that remember, I am engaged to that nurse that I met up with again after all these years. We've known each other practically all our lives, but this time around we are both much wiser and in better positions to have a real relationship. I'm not here to talk about that, though, I just wanted to update the situation.

 

For all you new people, here's the deal: you can fight all you want to save a relationship, but if the other person isn't playing along, all you are doing is slowly killing yourself. I found out the truth about mine...not cheating, exactly, but certainly victim to the "grass is greener" mentality. She showed her true colors, coming after my family's money in the end, so that made it all easier. I thought we should work on it, because that what a good person does; thank god she showed her greed early, because I'm sure I'd still be in a bad place about this. Instead, I was able to see her for who she actually became.

 

So, if they are not making an effort, even if that effort is as small as agreeing to meet to talk every once in a while...trust me, cut it off. Quit trying to beg and plead. Do the 180 (if you don't know, people here can give you the link), and take a good hard look at yourself, who you are, what you want to be, and start either finding yourself that you lost, or build a newer, better model.

 

Shoot, I had to basically wake up one day and thank my ex for betraying me so badly, because now I can appreciate the finer things in life like I never had before.

 

So, if they aren't trying, stop. I know you cannot stop loving, but you can stop beating yourself up, you can stop trying everything, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON OUT THERE.

 

Maybe I got lucky, I don't know. I do know that I listened to the advice of people here and walked up to her. The fiance. I wasn't going to, I was going to leave, but I saw her one night, and I grew a pair and walked up to her. Sure I was lucky, but I was also strong.

 

I was strong because people here made me strong. Gunny, Tojaz, lisaUk, and about a gajillion others. They had all been hurt, some more than others, and I haven't been here in so long that I don't even know if they are around.

 

But they made me see a couple things about myself -- life is yours for the taking. Nobody can give you love or happiness, that all starts from within. I don't have a secret recipe, heck, my rage continues some mornings even today. But it is an echo of what it was...a shadow of a memory. I did the standard thing, you know, wreck at work, lost 30 pounds, wandered in a daze...and one day I thought of gunny kicking me in the butt and telling me to get back out there.

 

The point of this isn't to say how great life is, the point is as follows, and pay attention all you people that feel like the world has just crashed all around you, there is no floor, there is no hope, there is nothing:

 

 

IT GETS BETTER.

 

 

I can't tell you when, I can't tell you how, but if you are a good person, and you try, and you take a good, hard look at yourself and start understanding your wants and your needs (and how your wants are what are killing you), you have a chance to get through to the other side.

 

Listen to the experience and wisdom of this place, and know that, regardless of how bad it hurts, people are here to help, they care, and things will get better.

 

I wish you all the best, and hope the old gang is doing well.

[imagine]

Thanks for the update Lupa.

 

I hope things go well for you from now on.

[Gunny376]

But they made me see a couple things about myself -- life is yours for the taking. Nobody can give you love or happiness, that all starts from within. I don't have a secret recipe, heck, my rage continues some mornings even today. But it is an echo of what it was...a shadow of a memory. I did the standard thing, you know, wreck at work, lost 30 pounds, wandered in a daze...and one day I thought of Gunny kicking me in the butt and telling me to get back out there.

 

I glad to hear your doing so well and that's have progressed so well with the HB10 STBW.

 

The thing about her is that she's a self made, independent professional that doesn't need nor want you for you and your family money. She put herself through college and nursing school waitressing as I remember, plus your both more experienced and mature ~ and most of all?

 

You've got a long history together.

 

And your right ~ the person ~ the one and only person that's responsible for your happiness? Is you and you alone.

 

Now all the two have got to do is nourish and keep the passion alive. Keep your focus on the "us" of the relationship, keep it interesting, fun, focused upon first and foremost on being "successful" as a couple.

 

It still wouldn't hurt for both of you to read a book pertaining to something about relationships now and again ~ at least once a year. It could be about massage, (erotic and all the more non-erotic), seduction, "Romance For Dummies"

 

Don't lose sight as to why your getting married and got married. Its not about material things its about martial things.

 

Relationships are living entities, you have to daily nurture and care for them are they will wither on the vine from neglect.

 

Read "Light Her Fire" and have her read "Light His Fire!" (But don't read her version of the book, nor let her read your version.

 

Then read "How Can We Light A Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy" (I remember from your original thread how so anxious you are to have children and become a Dad to them as your Dad was to you!)

 

Reconnect the first thirty minutes of each day when you come home, no TV, no radio, no checking the mail, checking out anything. When you do have children? Teach them early on that the first thirty minutes of Mom and Dad getting home is "Mommy and Daddy time"

 

Kiss her for one full minute! LOL! You'll be surprised how long a minute can be!

 

Make out with her without the end goal being of having sex ~ even if its her that's wanting to initiate sex. Its not to be mean nor ugly or rejecting? Its about anticipation which women love and adore.

 

Carly Simon didn't write a song about the subject just to waste her breath.

 

Take into account a weekend get-a-way a minimum of once every three months, and a vacation once or two twice a year.

 

Along with budgeting in for the mortgage, utilities, car payments to budget in some money for such things and romance. Cause their ain't no romance without finance.

 

Remember that you've got to date your mate ~ and that it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her.

 

Remember that for most women ~ "us" and doing things together as a couple and as a family means much, much more than material assets, climbing the corporate ladder, and money.

 

Remember "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" ~ this is so true. You see a bunch of women out and about? Be it shopping, partying whatever they're all laughing, joking, smiling and generally having a good time with one another.

 

Make sure to keep it interesting and fun!

 

There's a type of woman that you want to make jealous ~ her girlfriends. You want to make them jealous that she's got you and they don't. That alone will get you one Hell of a lot of mileage my friend.

 

Right now Mel Gibson would sell his soul to have what you've got with the STBW.

 

Finally I will leave you with the words from the late and great Richard Pryor:

 

"If your @zz finds a good woman? A woman that truly loves you for who you and as your are? True Love?

 

Don't SCREW IT UP!" (OK he used an expletive other than the one I used ~ but you get the idea.)

 

But I'm glad your came out on top ~ and that I was finally able to help (along with others here) get it through your head ~ that what one will abuse another could certainly use.

 

That's there's no shortage of women (nor men) out there ~ that at least half (if not more) of what's out there are nothing more than parasites looking for a host to suck the blood and life out of you.

 

Most that post here are victims of such.

 

Take responsiblity for yourself, your life, your happiness, your destiny ~ don't live your life for someone else ~ nor through someone else ~ not even your children!.

 

Per your orginal thread? The STBW is a keeper. She's a self dependent, independent, self made woman who knows she can make it on her own, doesn't need you nor your family's money to make it. (AKA ~ Your Corps, Our Corps ~ Hard Corps Marine Corps)

 

In short you and she have acheived what love and relationships and marriage are suppose to be all about!

 

"I love you love not because I need you!

 

But because I want you in and as a part of my life each and everyday for the rest of my life!

 

You did good ~ really good!

 

"Most people go through Life wondering if they made a difference? Marines don't have that problem!" ~ Ronald Regean

 

Glad and good to know that I contributed along with others here that I made a difference in yours.

 

SemperFi (Short for "Semper Fidelis ~ Latin for "Always Faithful")

 

Gunny376

[tojaz]

I was strong because people here made me strong. Gunny, Tojaz, lisaUk, and about a gajillion others. They had all been hurt, some more than others, and I haven't been here in so long that I don't even know if they are around.

 

 

Yep, were still here. Glad to hear your doing well oompa Lupa! :laugh: and so glad that things worked out for you like they have. Wish you both all the luck and love you both have coming.

 

TOJAZ

[habs53]

This is great success story. It is true that things get better. You do not need your spouse. I dont know you but congradulations!!

[What_Next]

Thank you for this post, it will serve as a reminder to those in the dark times.

[lupa]

I remember right when it all started happening, I somehow stumbled into LS. I was a complete wreck, a disaster, a shell of myself.

 

I was going through the motions of life, barely, and if I didn't work at my family's engineering company, I probably would have been fired from any other job...that's the up side of having your uncle think it is funny to tell your customers he used to change your diapers...

 

But really, a couple of things kept me going -- someone said it will get better, and they were right. I looked for a timeline, I tried to figure out all the stages, etc. It doesn't happen any one particular way...it just happens. Hell, time felt like it slowed down, like it stopped. Every tick of the clock at night was an eternity, and that eternity was being spent in hell.

 

I started this thread, hoping to catch the folks that have just stumbled in here like I did last June (also, I checked my most recent post was back in december), and who have no idea how they are going to continue on.

 

It gets better.

 

I'm not being flippant when I say this is one of the greatest opportunities you will ever have in your life. It is growth through pain, perseverance, struggle, trial, tribulation...but it is a chance to refocus on yourself and what you want to be.

 

I'm no Zen master, but my perspective was very much realigned through all this...I really don't sweat much of the small stuff anymore, and when I find myself falling back into that old habit, I have the ability now to separate out and look at everything for what it is.

 

It gets better.

 

...and OOOO-RAH, Gunny, I'm the king of the world!

[Cedarman]

It's good to hear from people that it gets better. I stumbled on this site as well and certainly hope it gets better. Hearing from others really helps.

 

Right now, I feel like crap, but am doing my best to do the 180 thing and stay positive. Yet here I am, middle of the afternoon checking out LS from my desk. Meanwhile, my wife's on vacation in her home country with the kids and probably hasn't given our marriage a second thought...

[LisaUk]

Congratulations Lup's! Very happy to hear you so happy.

[Thorgs]

lupa, you wouldn't happen to be from Connecticut would you?

[lupa]

lupa, you wouldn't happen to be from Connecticut would you?

 

Not at all. But sadly, my story happens every day...I am not unique in this, and that is another thing people here that feel like they just got hit by a truck need to understand.

 

You are not alone, and no matter how dark it gets in your world, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

That light, my friends, is inside you...I know that sounds totally cheeseball, but it is true. Keep on working at it, that way you will be ready to catch a break if it comes along.

 

You need to listen to the folks that say focus on yourself, get yourself into what you want to be. From there the world is yours for the taking.

[2.50 a gallon]

Lupa

 

So glad to hear from you again.

 

To the newbies, savor Lupa's advice, the days might be dark now, but they will get better. Work on yourself, work on moving on in life, and you would be surprised how often success stores do occur. And what is even more surprising is that quite often you will find a new love who is so much better than what you lost. It is called trading up

[lupa]

Two-fiddy! Sup, man?

 

 

It is true, though, I can't emphasize enough that during the whole fiasco time felt like it stood still, and in the end the only thing you are left with is yourself. Friends, family, strangers on random internet boards who have been through it already (LS) can help, but in the morning, and late at night, you only have you.

 

Decide what you want to be. I had to decide that i wanted to be a person who had inner strength and not give up, regardless of how much I wanted revenge one day or how crushed I was another. I just wanted to have strength.

 

If you keep going and keep trying, you can find that strength.

 

I feel like some kind of lame-ass motivational speaker, but even if you have one tiny droplet of strength buried somewhere in there, that is bigger than all the sadness and hurt and pain in the universe. You just can't quit, that is all.

 

...because it gets better.