mmk1 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 My OW and I have had an A for last 5 years. We work one block away from each other and usually see each other for lunch or after work for a drink, 1-2x a week. We have not seen each other for about 10 days now due a vacation she took. I texted her this morning about getting together this week and she said curtly she was "too busy, sorry," which really upsets me. While I know I should have no expectations, it is an A afterall, I get upset at the notion that she can't find one hour in a week to spend with me, especially since we work so close. Besides being wrong about being in a A, am I also wrong to expect her to try to find an one hour a week for us? I would rearrange my schedule for her but she will not for me.
ladydesigner Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Maybe she is finding that this kind of a relationship is beginning to wear her down and she wants something more. It sounds like she is distancing herself and trying to emotionally detach. The best thing you could do is give her the space she needs right now and go on and focus your energy into other areas that make you happy in life.
lolapalooza Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 ...or maybe she's too busy with her own husband and daughter right now. Her family is #1. You're #2. (She did say she wasn't leaving her H, right?) As soon as she has some time for #2, maybe she'll give you a call.
Author mmk1 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 I agree, I'm clearly #2 (at best) on the depth chart. My kids are older so I have more flexibility. She's definitely made it clear that she will not leave her H or, more accurately, break up her family, for me because of the effects on her daughter. There are just times I feel that she does not make the effort I feel and that our time together is always decided by her, which does upset me. Is the end result that this is the way an A goes and I should get over it?
ladydesigner Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I agree, I'm clearly #2 (at best) on the depth chart. My kids are older so I have more flexibility. She's definitely made it clear that she will not leave her H or, more accurately, break up her family, for me because of the effects on her daughter. There are just times I feel that she does not make the effort I feel and that our time together is always decided by her, which does upset me. Is the end result that this is the way an A goes and I should get over it? I think this is the way A's go. One partner gets more attached than the other and then poof... It sounds like you are becoming more emotionally involved than her and it might be scary to her or threatening to her M. Just live your life well. Start focusing on your M and bettering yourself. I believe it is impossible to keep two love relationships alive. One will most likely suffer at some point.
sadintexas Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 It's the way A's go, at least those between MP and SP. Except in rare cases, for the MP, it's a secondary relationship and for the AP it's a primary relationship. The AP typically invests more into the A than the MP does. I know people who believe their MP is as invested in every way as they are will argue with that, but neutrally examining the actions and dedication of the MP versus that of the AP will show it to be true. Even in A's involving two MP, one is typically more invested than the other, but this tends to hold true in most relationships to some degree. This scenario; however, does not have as much of an imbalance as that between the MP and SP.
fooled once Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Maybe she is finding that this kind of a relationship is beginning to wear her down and she wants something more. It sounds like she is distancing herself and trying to emotionally detach. The best thing you could do is give her the space she needs right now and go on and focus your energy into other areas that make you happy in life. I agree ...or maybe she's too busy with her own husband and daughter right now. Her family is #1. You're #2. (She did say she wasn't leaving her H, right?) As soon as she has some time for #2, maybe she'll give you a call. I agree I also think it is part of how affairs go and you can either accept it or not. She is putting her boundaries in place and she is basically telling you deal or not.
benmac360 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Actually since you have not seen this woman for nearly 2 weeks, now is a good time to step back and take an objective look at how you are living your life. How long did you think this will last? How long do you plan on lying to your wife about your whereabouts? What need was this relationship fulfilling before it began heading south, before your frustration and anger set in? Finally, if this affair ends, in the future would you actively seek her replacement? These are just a few questions that you should ask yourself. You even said yourself you are nothing but a diversion (always #2) for her. Maybe she is tired of lying all of the time, she could be telling you to back off, or perhaps she found another OM - at this point it does not matter because this is a dead end, superficial relationship. If you want to continue demeaning yourself, by all means go ahead and text her again about lunch, drinks, etc. Otherwise you know you and especially your wife deserve better than this.
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 My OW and I have had an A for last 5 years. We work one block away from each other and usually see each other for lunch or after work for a drink, 1-2x a week. We have not seen each other for about 10 days now due a vacation she took. I texted her this morning about getting together this week and she said curtly she was "too busy, sorry," which really upsets me. While I know I should have no expectations, it is an A afterall, I get upset at the notion that she can't find one hour in a week to spend with me, especially since we work so close. Besides being wrong about being in a A, am I also wrong to expect her to try to find an one hour a week for us? I would rearrange my schedule for her but she will not for me. Besides being wrong about being in an A, yes you are wrong to expect her to do anything for you. Why should she rearrange something to fit you?
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I agree, I'm clearly #2 (at best) on the depth chart. My kids are older so I have more flexibility. She's definitely made it clear that she will not leave her H or, more accurately, break up her family, for me because of the effects on her daughter. There are just times I feel that she does not make the effort I feel and that our time together is always decided by her, which does upset me. Is the end result that this is the way an A goes and I should get over it? This is the way some A's go and yes you should get over it.
Author mmk1 Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Just an update, she ended it saying I was too demanding by expecting her to meet me this week. She said i was not a priority, only her job and family were priorities. So, that's that! This is now the 5th time we've broken up over this issue. I want us to be together and, despite hating her husband, she won't leave him because of their 7 year old child. I guess I am too demanding to want to see her an hour a week. Break up is all for the best, though.
sadintexas Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Sorry, that stings. But, you're right, it is for the best.
Fieldsofgold Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Actually since you have not seen this woman for nearly 2 weeks, now is a good time to step back and take an objective look at how you are living your life. How long did you think this will last? How long do you plan on lying to your wife about your whereabouts? What need was this relationship fulfilling before it began heading south, before your frustration and anger set in? Finally, if this affair ends, in the future would you actively seek her replacement? These are just a few questions that you should ask yourself. these are good questions to ask yourself.
silverplanets Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 In terms of the original post .. how do you stop yourself getting upset??? Visit the children's ward at the hospital, stop in the street and sit down next to a homeless person and really listen to their story ... go into a school and watch people helping childen who struggling in basic maths and english ... Plenty of other examples abound all around us ... be well Chris
Author mmk1 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Everyone has been really helpful, thank you!
scatterd Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I am wondering why you have not left your wife maybe OW makes you second best but you are doing the same with your wife.You should let your wife go so she can find someone who truly loves her then you can meet someone else who you care for more.You are waisting your time she is staying for her daughter but who are you staying for.life is too short for this live and let live.Good luck
Author mmk1 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 She reiterated today that its over as I need more than she can give and that I can deny it for only so long before its issue between us. Also, despite all her recent venom against her husband, that she's come to some realizations that make it clear that this is the right decision to end things (again). I will always love her and I cannot argue with her decisions. We've known each other as best friends for over 10 years and five years as lovers and it the void will hurt alot. Now its time to focus on me and my M instead of her. Easier said than done, unfortunately. I appreciate everyone's support!
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