aeren944 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Ok, so I'm back with another update... since, I can't seem to spend a day without some sort of drama or heartache... Last week sometime, I found out my ex-fiance's girlfriend was picking up the kids at the babysitter. I was kinda pissed, because I don't like or trust this girl at all. I texted her and told her so, asked her to pick the kids up herself. The texting, of course, escalated into an argument at the end of which she said, "Nobody will want to be with an anti-social computer game freak who's lazy..." **** cut me right to the heart, because that's the underlying thought that motivated my self-criticism. That hurt. I didn't respond, and she texted later saying that she was being hurtful and she was sorry. I didn't respond to that text, either, and I just let it stew over and over. She came to pick up the kids on Thursday, and I let it all spill out. She asked me for a mirror that belonged to my daughter. I told her she wouldn't get it. Again, it escalated, and I ended the conversation by calling her a ****ing bitch and to go **** herself. Not pretty. My kids were in her car at that point. She texted me later and said she wanted to keep the kids for a while, since I was putting them through that with my anger, by calling her those things while they were so close. She was right, and I agreed, because I really, really need to get a hold of myself and all the crap going through my head. So, now they're with her, and I still pay the babysitter for all of it, kinda of like a child support thing. I will still get to see them, just more down the road, when I'm ready. I feel crappy, but feel like I can get better. I feel like a terrible father, but the reason I'm doing this is so I don't put them through that crap... I'm thinking of them, and making their lives easier... I hope. I feel guilty that it feels like a weight has been lifted... that I feel like now I can finally heal. I feel so guilty about that, but its honestly the truth, and I can't lie about it. The past two days, I've self-medicated like crazy... the doc put me on Xanax, so I've been taking that, plus smoking weed. It kills the pain, puts me in a different place or whatever... I just feel like I need to heal. I'm just trying to heal... everyone tells me that, in order to heal, I have to take care of myself, put me as number one... and with the self medicating thing, that's what I'm doing... because all I can is heal. Time is a bitch... I don't have anything to do to help with healing. I'm doing stuff... paid my bills yesterday. I actually went out to the soda machine I own at my job, shot the breeze with some guys there, re-inventoried the product and re-stocked the machine. I'm working on getting my teeth fixed. Got one pulled, and got the braces on already. I don't know what else to do... I feel like I'm still in hell, but the pains getting more and more numb. I'm starting to realize that when people say, "It never really goes away", they're right... its always gonna be this sick feeling. But I'm starting to question it... what if she's right? What if she left me because we were poison for each other or something? What if I really am better off without her?
mickleb Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 You do need to heal and perhaps not having to worry about the kids, at the moment, will help you to so this. It's quite possible. It is right they are not victims of your (or your ex's) stress so if your ex is managing her feelings better than you at the moment, that is better for them. The daily use of the dope is now suppressing your healing, rather that helping you to heal. Have you told your doctor how regularly you use it? It's important your doctor has the full picture so he/she can help you best. Very few people I've encountered use the phrase you mention. Quite the opposite, in fact. She does not want to be with you. You are better off without her. Simple as that. You can be with someone who does want to be with you. And so you continue with the long and painful job of regaining your self-worth. That is what you are left with. There is no shame in that. Only brighter prospects. Keep at it. x
Author aeren944 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Very few people I've encountered use the phrase you mention. Quite the opposite, in fact. She does not want to be with you. You are better off without her. Simple as that. You can be with someone who does want to be with you. What phrase are you speaking of, mickleb?
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