OW tells me she has fallen out of love for me...How does this happen?

July 15, 2010

Update:

I spoke to her on the phone. I told her that I talked to my wife. I told my wife I have still feelings for the OW. The OW got really upset that I did this because she says its too late and told me I made a big mistake telling my wife this. She is upset that I told my wife and is was worried that my wife will call her husband. She says she wants to tell her husband on her terms. She also does not even know why she fell out of love. It just happened when she put up the wall.

One issue is this. She plans on ending the marriage, but two years from now. According to her, she wants to wait to both kids are in elementary school. That is her plan. She will not leave husband right away. This where i get confused. That does not seem like a plan to me.

Why would you disclose to your wife about OW? This is my thought in this cause I know it's been discussed in great depth in this forum. If you have every intention of leaving your marriage...there would be no reason to disclose. However if you do plan on working and staying in a marriage I believe all the stuff has to be put out on the table. This way you can begin with a clean slate. As for the OW...who cares? The minute you told your W you basically threw the OW under the bus but then who cares there should be no you and her. She made it clear it was over and what's important is your focus on you and your Wife.

Honestly it sounds like your OW might have not been completely honest with her situation with her H.

July 15, 2010

Stop worrying about HER plan....

...start working on developing YOUR plan.

What was your wife's reaction to all of this? How honest were you in what you revealed, and did you reveal ALL the information, or some portions of it?

July 15, 2010

Stop worrying about HER plan....

...start working on developing YOUR plan.

What was your wife's reaction to all of this? How honest were you in what you revealed, and did you reveal ALL the information, or some portions of it?

Owl is so incredibly smart!

July 15, 2010

My first post, so bear with me.
I am in tremendous amount of pain right now. My OW of three years told me she has fallen out of love for me. I am so hurt. .

welcome to the wonderful world that your wife lives in

July 15, 2010

aim,

You love each other, right?...I don't see what's the problem..You can divorce your W..She can divorce her H..Then you two can get married..

yes, and that way aim's wife, and the OW's husband can be set free from them.

July 16, 2010

dude you dont seem to get the point. YOU ARE MARRIED!!!

She realized that she could put you first (aka getta divorce) and She STILL would have not been your first. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND?

Finally, You need to realize IT ISNT ALL ABOUT YOU.

YOu have hurt not one but TWO women who thought you loved them when in reality, you only love yourself.

Congrats on getting into therapy and hopefully it can help you in ways that arent as apparent.

Good Luck

July 16, 2010

OP

I don't think you recognize emotions other than the ones that make you feel good. I don't say this to insult you, but because it doesn't seem like her feelings, or your W's have registered to you at all.

From what I have read, you honestly don't understand how she could fall out of love with you. It seems too, that you aren't necessarily out of love with your W because you don't seem to really have a firm grasp on what it is and what it takes to maintain it.

Instead of wondering about the OW, I would suggest that you find out why you can't recognize the signs when they are outside of yourself. I'm sure your W is incredibly hurt, but you seem to only be making the moves that you think would draw the OW back in. But as the OW said, "its too little, too late" and you broke your W's heart to win back a woman that no longer wants you.

July 16, 2010

NoIDidnt.....that is really insightful. You are right. I am learning a lot about myself thru this. I am beginning to realize that this woman make me feel good. Made my ego strong and the thought of losing someone as beautiful as her in my life, is a blow to the ego. Therapy has been helpful. I just need to figure out how to move on. We still Instant Message, but she is so cold when she does it. She makes sure there is nothing more than friendship. There is no loving tone to anything she says and that hurts. I guess the question I will always ask myself is how someone who wanted to marry someone 4 months ago goes to that to falling out of love. That I will never understand. I guess I will never understand how the women's mind works.

July 16, 2010

NoIDidnt.....that is really insightful. You are right. I am learning a lot about myself thru this. I am beginning to realize that this woman make me feel good. Made my ego strong and the thought of losing someone as beautiful as her in my life, is a blow to the ego. Therapy has been helpful. I just need to figure out how to move on. We still Instant Message, but she is so cold when she does it. She makes sure there is nothing more than friendship. There is no loving tone to anything she says and that hurts. I guess the question I will always ask myself is how someone who wanted to marry someone 4 months ago goes to that to falling out of love. That I will never understand. I guess I will never understand how the women's mind works.

I'd just concentrate on understanding yourself, what makes you happy , what your boundries on acceptable behaviour in relationships are.

In the words of another thread you need to set your own bar that prospective partners need to be able to clear.

Similarly you need to set your own bar for your life, your standards, what validation you look to from others and what you are content to give yourself.

I can't see, to be honest, how this woman ever was in love with you. She was in one R and hadn;t had any clear space to really work out what she wanted, so any expression of "love" was most likely driven by a need to fill a void in her.

In order to "love" you she would need to have loved herself first .. and, given her point in life that you describe, I doubt she did ..., I would imagine her deep self esteem was quite low.

Similarily you didn't love her .. your not in a position of peace in side to love her ... your driven by your needs to fill something inside you that you ... and that's not love that's need.

Look into yourself, come to peace with yourself, learn to love yourself first ..

Be safe

Chris

July 16, 2010

I guess the question I will always ask myself is how someone who wanted to marry someone 4 months ago goes to that to falling out of love. That I will never understand. I guess I will never understand how the women's mind works.

That doesn't have anything to do with how women's mind works. More to do with how human mind works.

At least a dozen posters have already explain it to you very clearly in this thread and you're still as puzzled as before.

You wrote she called you her soulmate, was unhappy in her M and got very upset when she realised you'd never leave your W. That tells me that she loved you very much and wanted a future with you. I wonder why it took you 2 long years to make it clear to her that she had no real future with you.

Most likely she was as heartbroken as any "typical" OW is in such situation. For the first two years she lived in the emotional agony resulting from loving someone who was committed to another person. It is a big hurt but OW feels unable to get away from it because the strong feeling of love and having some hope that things will be different in future.

When she found out there was no hope it must have been a huge blow. The feelings gradually change as the healing process begins, when the rock bottom is reached. As the pulling lessens the hurt and pain is more clearly realised and it helps to prevent from falling back into the same pattern. This is how one can gradually fall out of love. What helps is the realisation that the person OW loves does not love her in the same way, as seems to be the case with you. It didn't happen suddenly, the process must have started years ago - the first bricks that made the wall between you and her were the little nibbles of doubt and sadness that must have been felt by her very eraly in the R, which was unavoidable because she loved you so much and you were with you W.

What strikes me is how you are going on and on about how good she made you feel and how is it possible that she doesn't love you any more. It seems that it was all about how good she made you feel, not so much about her as a person. She made you feel really special and now that she's not doing it any more you're wondering if she's ever really loved you, meaning - are you really so special. This is what seems to bother you most. You said it would be much easier for you if you and her just broke up deciding that there is no future but that would love each other forever.

It sounds like you wouldn't be as upset about losing her as you are upset about losing you "special" status. It seems to me that you just used her to get your emotional rewards, but you never even contemplated having a future with her.

It sounds to me like there has not been real love for her on your part. She realised that and managed to move on, but not "just like that", it was a long and painful process. People don't usually go on forever loving someone who doesn't seem to care.

Now that she knows you'll never be with her, she wants to deal with her M in the way it suits her.

This is what I don't understand: you wrote that you talked to your OW and informed her that you had told your W about your feelings for the OW. Did you really tell your W or was it just a lie to make the OW think that you are more serious than you are? You only keep talking about the OW in your posts, so if you did tell your W I'm surprised you don't mention her reaction here at all.

If you really told your W, what were you hoping to achieve? It seems very sudden and not properly thought through.

July 16, 2010

Similarily you didn't love her .. your not in a position of peace in side to love her ... your driven by your needs to fill something inside you that you ... and that's not love that's need.

This is an interesting point. I have to wonder how much true love is going on in most of the affairs detailed here. They are mostly driven by the needs and desires of the people in them.

Yet, if I go to a site like MB, it talks about fulfilled needs creating love, or recreating love, in married couples.

Maybe all this "love" is just all of us being "needy" to begin with.

Very thought provoking. Thanks.

July 16, 2010

This is an interesting point. I have to wonder how much true love is going on in most of the affairs detailed here. They are mostly driven by the needs and desires of the people in them.

Yet, if I go to a site like MB, it talks about fulfilled needs creating love, or recreating love, in married couples.

Maybe all this "love" is just all of us being "needy" to begin with.

Very thought provoking. Thanks.

Yes thank you for this both Silverplanets and NID. This just made me realize that my A was based on my neediness and was in fact not love. Wow wish I had read this sooner. It makes more sense to me this way. Love should not be needy. It certainly was with XOM and has not been with my H.

July 16, 2010

Most people in the A think that it's true love or that my soulmate.

July 17, 2010

Well i spoke to her on the phone today. It has become very clear now she 100 percent completely fell out of love for me. I am now starting to get closure that she does not love me. Now i have to deal with this. Because I work with her, I have no idea how to handle this. I dont want to even look at her. She wants to be friends, which I have no clue why. If she wants to be friends, does that mean she never truly loved me? I need strength. Therapy has helped, but I just want to be happy again and happy without her, which I never imagined. Somehow, someway, I will get through this.

July 17, 2010

I guess the question I will always ask myself is how someone who wanted to marry someone 4 months ago goes to that to falling out of love. That I will never understand. I guess I will never understand how the women's mind works.

But aim....consider what you've done to your own wife. At one point you wanted to marry her, married her, and built a life with her....and then at another point you are considering another woman the love of your life. It may have seemed more gradual when it was YOU changing your feelings, but in all likelihood your OW took some time in changing her feelings, too. You are just hearing about it suddenly.

Come to think of it, maybe she moved on so quickly and completely because she found another man?

July 26, 2010

Update:

This has been very hard on me. We still talk on phone, instant message, and see each other from time to time. We went to lunch. We kissed once, but she has made it perfectly clear. She is figuring things out and in a different spot now, she fell out of love, she needs time and waiting to end her marriage. She going to therapy in November. She told me i screwed everything up by telling my wife I have feelings for the OW. She said why couldnt have I waited. I never said the right things to my OW until too late. Therapy has taught me I was wrong. That wanted my cake and eating it too. I did not think of her feelings. I told her this and asked her to forgive me. She made mistakes too. She did not communicate her feelings to me, but all in all I feel like I most to blame. This has been greatest learning experience of my life and it has not been pleasant. I know now that I am selfish person and need to be a better man. It still does not help that I am still in love with her, but looks like its too little too late.

July 26, 2010

Update:

This has been very hard on me. We still talk on phone, instant message, and see each other from time to time. We went to lunch. We kissed once, but she has made it perfectly clear. She is figuring things out and in a different spot now, she fell out of love, she needs time and waiting to end her marriage. She going to therapy in November. She told me i screwed everything up by telling my wife I have feelings for the OW. She said why couldnt have I waited. I never said the right things to my OW until too late. Therapy has taught me I was wrong. That wanted my cake and eating it too. I did not think of her feelings. I told her this and asked her to forgive me. She made mistakes too. She did not communicate her feelings to me, but all in all I feel like I most to blame. This has been greatest learning experience of my life and it has not been pleasant. I know now that I am selfish person and need to be a better man. It still does not help that I am still in love with her, but looks like its too little too late.

Whatever happens you set in motion. Maybe she and your wife will one day be very happy.

July 26, 2010

Well i spoke to her on the phone today. It has become very clear now she 100 percent completely fell out of love for me. I am now starting to get closure that she does not love me. Now i have to deal with this. Because I work with her, I have no idea how to handle this. I dont want to even look at her. She wants to be friends, which I have no clue why. If she wants to be friends, does that mean she never truly loved me? I need strength. Therapy has helped, but I just want to be happy again and happy without her, which I never imagined. Somehow, someway, I will get through this.

She wants to be friends because you work together AND she cares about you still, even if she is no longer in love.

I'm sure her reputation is very important to her. Perhaps that is why she wanted you to postpone you sharing your feelings about her to your W?

I understand that, but wouldn't care so much about my rep as I would about the truth being shared. Different strokes for different folks.

July 26, 2010

Speaking from experience, when you told her that you would not be leaving your marriage, the love started to die. When that conversation is had, it forces us to examine our place with you. She has taken the last year to realize that she wants more than what you can give her. It didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen in the last three months. I can assure you that.

July 26, 2010

Speaking from experience, when you told her that you would not be leaving your marriage, the love started to die. When that conversation is had, it forces us to examine our place with you. She has taken the last year to realize that she wants more than what you can give her. It didn't happen overnight and it didn't happen in the last three months. I can assure you that.

I agree with this. When you said you wouldn't leave your wife you might as well have just said "I dont really love you". That's how she interpreted it, you love the relationship, you love the 'benefits', but you don't love her enough to be with her and take the chance at a new life.

July 26, 2010

So where are you at in fixing your marriage?

Changing your FOCUS to that, as opposed to being focused on MOW will accomplish what you need here.

Where are you at on rebuilding your damaged relationship with your wife? Learning how to prevent another affair? Learning how to end this one?

This isn't off-topic...its right on topic for how to "get over" and "get closure" and deal with the end of the affair.

August 14, 2010

Update:

Well last Saturday, we worked together. She asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. UGH! OF course we did. It had me thinking she wanted me back, but nothing changed. All week she was cold and distant. Still telling me her feelings changed about me. She does not think we our soulmates anymore. I asked her why she wanted to have sex with me and she told me we were getting along so well on Saturday. I can't take this rollercoaster anymore. I am trying to forget her, but its hard. I need strength. Can she be really toying with me?

August 14, 2010

Update:

Well last Saturday, we worked together. She asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. UGH! OF course we did. It had me thinking she wanted me back, but nothing changed. All week she was cold and distant. Still telling me her feelings changed about me. She does not think we our soulmates anymore. I asked her why she wanted to have sex with me and she told me we were getting along so well on Saturday. I can't take this rollercoaster anymore. I am trying to forget her, but its hard. I need strength. Can she be really toying with me?

wow!!! Back to square one again...I feel for you my friend.

So remember this...She's not in love with you anymore so it was just sex to her...I wonder if she got along with another person it she'd have sex? Amazing...cut your losses UGH!!!

August 15, 2010

My first post, so bear with me.
I am in tremendous amount of pain right now. My OW of three years told me she has fallen out of love for me. I am so hurt. For years, she told me we were soulmates and now she said the last month and half things changed.
My story is we are both married. We knew each other for about 10 years, but for the last 3 years we became more than friends. She is beautiful and I could not believe someone so attractive fell for me. It made me feel so good. But there was always issue of us being married. Her marriage is at rock bottom. She said she would get a divorce and leave her husband. She said she was taking steps. My marriage was not as bad as her. I lost the sexual desire for my wife, but I still love her, but marriage is not great. With my OW, we had the best sexual connection. She would always tell me it was the best sex she ever had and that made me feel very good. About two years into the relationship, I told her I could not leave my wife because it would kill my children who are still in elementary school. I could never hurt them, even if I wanted to deep down. She got so upset. And then the breaking point was she saw family pictures on Facebook of me, my wife and children. After she saw that, everything went down hill. She started withdrawing and eventually stop saying she loved me. She told me she needed time and space and a break. She went on a business trip, came back and told me she fell out of love for me. I am in shock. I never thought she would ever lose love for me. I thought we were soulmates. How could she lose love for someone she was so connected too. Now trying to make myself feel better, I'm saying to myself maybe i didnt love her, but I am not sure. Maybe I just liked the attention or the fact a beautiful woman desired me. So many men wanted her, but she picked me. Is it possible she could fall out of love so fast after thinking we were soulmates 3 months ago.? She also says we can still be friends. She said she loves me as a friend. Nothing more. I am so confused. What happened here? I am not functioning right now. I think its time for therapy. Can someone from the outside see what happened here? Thank you.

I can practically speak for her (though of course only she can): she knew you loved your wife and kids, and she's being quite selfless in basically cutting the cord. My A barely started before we decided to stop. It was nearly impossible, despite only a few encounters. I can't imagine trying to end it after three years. She knew that discussing it with you would end with you deciding not to end it, and the best way to end anything is to claim your feelings are gone.

I know this because I was once in a relationship (not an affair) with someone truly amazing, but we weren't right together for reasons that aren't worth getting into here. We were so in love that I knew the only way to end it was to alienate him completely, so I told him I had fallen out of love, despite the fact that I loved him very much. That ended it.

I'm sure that's what she did. Given your situation, it was probably too much for her to feel like she might break up a family. Unless you're willing to leave your wife, and risk being alone for whatever slim chance you have to be with OW, it's time to move on and work on your marriage.

I'm really sorry, and I think you should definitely seek therapy. You have a lot to figure out.

August 15, 2010

wow!!! Back to square one again...I feel for you my friend.
So remember this...She's not in love with you anymore so it was just sex to her...I wonder if she got along with another person it she'd have sex? Amazing...cut your losses UGH!!!

Wow! Having read through the whole thread, maybe I was wrong. Regardless, you need to deal with what you've been through with this woman.

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OW tells me she has fallen out of love for me...How does this happen?

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