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OW tells me she has fallen out of love for me...How does this happen?

aim9618

By aim9618
in The Other Man / Woman

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aim9618 Member

aim9618

Posted
Posted

My first post, so bear with me.

I am in tremendous amount of pain right now. My OW of three years told me she has fallen out of love for me. I am so hurt. For years, she told me we were soulmates and now she said the last month and half things changed.

My story is we are both married. We knew each other for about 10 years, but for the last 3 years we became more than friends. She is beautiful and I could not believe someone so attractive fell for me. It made me feel so good. But there was always issue of us being married. Her marriage is at rock bottom. She said she would get a divorce and leave her husband. She said she was taking steps. My marriage was not as bad as her. I lost the sexual desire for my wife, but I still love her, but marriage is not great. With my OW, we had the best sexual connection. She would always tell me it was the best sex she ever had and that made me feel very good. About two years into the relationship, I told her I could not leave my wife because it would kill my children who are still in elementary school. I could never hurt them, even if I wanted to deep down. She got so upset. And then the breaking point was she saw family pictures on Facebook of me, my wife and children. After she saw that, everything went down hill. She started withdrawing and eventually stop saying she loved me. She told me she needed time and space and a break. She went on a business trip, came back and told me she fell out of love for me. I am in shock. I never thought she would ever lose love for me. I thought we were soulmates. How could she lose love for someone she was so connected too. Now trying to make myself feel better, I'm saying to myself maybe i didnt love her, but I am not sure. Maybe I just liked the attention or the fact a beautiful woman desired me. So many men wanted her, but she picked me. Is it possible she could fall out of love so fast after thinking we were soulmates 3 months ago.? She also says we can still be friends. She said she loves me as a friend. Nothing more. I am so confused. What happened here? I am not functioning right now. I think its time for therapy. Can someone from the outside see what happened here? Thank you.

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

Posted
Posted

The OW has fallen out of love for you and you want to know "how does this happen?"

 

I bet your wife wonders the same thing about you. :rolleyes:

 

 

Ahhh the unexamined life. Without it, where would we find comedic entertainment?

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted

:bunny:Welcome to LS

 

Sorry you find yourself here and like most of us found LS because we are in a painful situation. You will get a lot of good responses both supportive and hard to hear. I have found the ones most difficult to accept are the ones that helped me out the most. Most A's are a fantasy from the real mundane life of marriage. My A started as a revenge affair and led to falling in love with my XOM or I should say the fantasy of him. If I would have ended my M to be with him the reality of life would have been worse than my own marriage.

 

I believe your best option at this point is to explore your thoughts in therapy and why you ended up in an A (affair) in the first place, what you got out of the A that you didn't have in your M or if this was just an ego boost for you.

 

Maybe your MOW just doesn't feel like the A should continue. She could possibly be feeling hurt herself and is using words to hurt you back. Who knows. My XOM ended things with me very suddenly and I often wondered how he could just turn it off. Nowadays it doesn't much matter as I am glad I stayed in my M. I realize now how bad of a mistake my A was and how delusional I was.

 

Sorry you are hurting. Remember you will get a lot of posts from BS (blind spouses) as well. Sometimes they offer really good advice and are other times mocking. Weed through them at best.

 

Hope this helps a little.

donnamaybe Established Member

donnamaybe

Posted
Posted

Three years? She doesn't want to be your life long side piece. If you're happy enough to stay in your M while having her on the side, she knows that's where you plan to keep her.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
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Most likely her H is suspicious or she's tired of all the lies she has to tell to continue your R.

 

When she saw pics of your W and family it made them real to her and destroyed whatever picture she had in her mind of what your life as a "family man" is like.

 

If she was upset that you said you'd never leave your W then she probably was thinking about leaving and since you're not, there's no reason to continue a R that is going nowhere. Who would risk everything for nothing?

 

GEL

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted

I can totally relate to your OW. I left my long term relationship of 25 years for my MM. Much of your post my MM could have written - losing the sexual desire for his wife but still loving her, not being able to devastate the young children, the connection and the great sex with the OW... The times I lose faith in that he will ever leave his marriage I feel it chipping away on my love for him. I believe that is what has happened to your OW. She has given up hope that you would ever leave, and that has extinguished her flame of love for you.

YellowShark Established Member

YellowShark

Posted
Posted
My story is we are both married. We knew each other for about 10 years, but for the last 3 years we became more than friends.

 

So for three years you both betrayed your spouses and lied to them.. go on.

 

But there was always issue of us being married.

 

Ya. How inconvenient. Damn those betrayed spouses! :rolleyes:

 

And then the breaking point was she saw family pictures on Facebook of me, my wife and children. After she saw that, everything went down hill. She started withdrawing and eventually stop saying she loved me. She told me she needed time and space and a break.

 

Go figure. She finally grew a conscience.

 

How could she lose love for someone she was so connected too.

 

Perhaps after 3 years she realized you both were having a dead-end affair, and betraying your spouses and families?

 

I think its time for therapy.

 

Definitely. You need to figure out why you betrayed your wife and children just so you could make love to a pretty woman. That's a great place to start your therapy at.

 

Best of luck.

torranceshipman Established Member

torranceshipman

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It is obvious to see what happened - a whole 3 years of being someone's secret must be miserable and soul destroying, and she finally got sick of being jealous and unhappy, and wants to be with a man that can give her love full time (which is a weird thing to say as she is already M - but I get the impression she was hoping you would leave your W for her?). Did you ever mislead her about your intentions to leave your W - i.e. was she waiting and hoping for some action? Or did you make it crystal clear the whole time that this was never going to happen?

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
So for three years you both betrayed your spouses and lied to them.. go on.

 

 

 

Ya. How inconvenient. Damn those betrayed spouses! :rolleyes:

 

 

 

Go figure. She finally grew a conscience.

 

 

 

Perhaps after 3 years she realized you both were having a dead-end affair, and betraying your spouses and families?

 

 

 

Definitely. You need to figure out why you betrayed your wife and children just so you could make love to a pretty woman. That's a great place to start your therapy at.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

Or found a new better lover. I bet it's a tight fit in your wife's shoes. Not so comfortable and they cause a whole lot of tears. HMmmmmm "so you sow, so shall you reap". Most of us have had to pick up the piles of crap we have thrown into others lives...it's your turn.

chalkfarm Established Member

chalkfarm

Posted
Posted

Hi,

My first post too. I've been reading so many of the stories of late and find that there are few men represented in this forum. Hearing that you are hurting is both heart breaking and uplifting. I think many OW need to hear that you love this woman and that you too feel crushed. A common fear/feeling for many of the xOW here is that they were not loved or truly appreciated by their AP. Your post can really make a difference.

 

Thank you and I have no doubt that your OW loved you. Three years is a LONG time to be in an A and not love someone.

 

I fear that many posters are too judgmental and harsh. Feelings are feelings. Having an A is imperfect action. The end.

jj33 Established Member

jj33

Posted
Posted

People can only hold onto unrequited love for so long and then as Jennie said it chips away.

 

Its a feeling of rejection. You may say its not unrequited but it was going nowhere. Her marriage is really at rock bottom all she can see with you in the future is however many more years of being a secret in your life while you pose for happy family pictures and have sex with her because you do love your wife, you just dont love having sex with her anymore.

 

Its not a pretty place to be. You had it all. You had your family intact, you had OW and the intimacy that you shared. The OW had a bad marriage and it became clear that she was never going to have a real future with you.

 

Its healthy for her that she stopped the relationship so she can look at her situation without the blinders of the affair and determine what her real options are for the future.

 

I know it hurts from your perspective but she was doing the best thing she could for hereslf and if you really love her, be glad that she took things in hand and is now in a position to move forward with her life.

Masoshi Member

Masoshi

Posted
Posted

I agree with what Jennie-Jennie has posted. I imagine the anger your OW felt when she learned you would not leave your wife lingered and boiled underneath the surface in your last year together. She probably envisioned a future with you, and you ruined that dream for her when you said you would not divorce your W. It was a very harsh reality for your OW to learn that the love shared between the two of you just "wasn't enough" for you to make a life with her. My gut feeling is that these hurt feeling turned from anger to resentment, and to protect her heart, she replaced those loving feelings for you with the anger and resentment she felt. This didn't happen overnight - this must have developed in the last year. I'm sure she tried to convince herself for a while that what you said was just that, words, and you would see in time that the love between the two of you was enough. But when she finally knew it in her heart you wouldn't leave, that you wouldn't change your mind, she let go.

 

If I was a betting woman I would put money on her coming back into your life if you told her you were leaving your W - and actually took the steps to do just that.

 

Maybe it's time for you to do some soul searching. Who can you just live with, and who can't you live without?

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aim9618 Member

aim9618

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you so much for the input. I am learning a lot about myself. . This woman gave me so much. She was my rock. We connected perfectly. My wife is an amazing woman on paper, now I need to worked on my marriage and make the paper turn real again. I know its there, but its going to take time. I just never thought the OW would end it this way, by saying she fell out of love for me. We shared so much. Not a day went by that we did not talk or help each other. I do not know how I can live without her, but i guess I dont have a choice. I thought it would end by us saying "we love each other, but there is no future." Not that she would fall out of love for me. She knows I love her, she admits that. She tells me "yeah I know you love me, buts it too little too late" Is it possible she never loved me? I saw a therapist today and it really helped. Hopefully I am on the road to recovery.

TOWinNYC Established Member

TOWinNYC

Posted
Posted

Aim -

I'm sorry you're in pain. I really am. I’m not sure if this will help but I'll try to give you a glimpse of "the other side" - what your MOW's thought processes may be....

 

I don’t know what your MOW is thinking or if she’s REALLY no longer in love with you – but I’m pretty sure of this: If your MOW was willing to get divorced and start a new life with you and you weren’t, she has no desire to continue her R with you.

 

She may still be in love with you, she may still think the two of you are soul mates, she may still think it was the best sex she ever had, she may be in a lot of pain herself….but for all intents and purposes, if you’re not willing to leave your M this is a relationship dead end for her.

 

All R’s change and grow – whether it’s between two single people, in a M or an A. By the 3-year mark it’s not surprising that her feelings have grown to a point where she wanted to be with you exclusively and openly.

 

It’s obvious you didn’t feel the same. If you had, you would be thinking about how you’re going to extract yourself from you M in order to be her.

 

Here are the reasons why I think it’s possible that she has fallen “out of love” with you:

 

1) You said that the A has been going on for 3 years but it was at the 2-year mark that you told her you had no intention of leaving your M. Your MOW gave you a grace period of one year to see if anything would change. It didn’t.

 

2) There was a withdrawing period on her part (very bad sign).

 

3) I can also make myself fall “out of love” (it’s very difficult but doable) and I usually accomplish this by being very angry.

 

You asked “What happened here?” I think the MOW has gotten to you more than you’re willing to admit. Can you imagine the rest of your life without her in it? If you can, then work on your M and leave her alone. If you can’t, you have a hard road ahead of you with decisions and sacrifices that will have to be made. Good luck.

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted
Aim -

I'm sorry you're in pain. I really am. I’m not sure if this will help but I'll try to give you a glimpse of "the other side" - what your MOW's thought processes may be....

 

I don’t know what your MOW is thinking or if she’s REALLY no longer in love with you – but I’m pretty sure of this: If your MOW was willing to get divorced and start a new life with you and you weren’t, she has no desire to continue her R with you.

 

She may still be in love with you, she may still think the two of you are soul mates, she may still think it was the best sex she ever had, she may be in a lot of pain herself….but for all intents and purposes, if you’re not willing to leave your M this is a relationship dead end for her.

 

All R’s change and grow – whether it’s between two single people, in a M or an A. By the 3-year mark it’s not surprising that her feelings have grown to a point where she wanted to be with you exclusively and openly.

 

It’s obvious you didn’t feel the same. If you had, you would be thinking about how you’re going to extract yourself from you M in order to be her.

 

Here are the reasons why I think it’s possible that she has fallen “out of love” with you:

 

1) You said that the A has been going on for 3 years but it was at the 2-year mark that you told her you had no intention of leaving your M. Your MOW gave you a grace period of one year to see if anything would change. It didn’t.

 

2) There was a withdrawing period on her part (very bad sign).

 

3) I can also make myself fall “out of love” (it’s very difficult but doable) and I usually accomplish this by being very angry.

 

You asked “What happened here?” I think the MOW has gotten to you more than you’re willing to admit. Can you imagine the rest of your life without her in it? If you can, then work on your M and leave her alone. If you can’t, you have a hard road ahead of you with decisions and sacrifices that will have to be made. Good luck.

 

This is the best advice I have heard so far. What a great post.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted
My wife is an amazing woman on paper, now I need to worked on my marriage and make the paper turn real again. I know its there, but its going to take time.

 

When/if you decide to truly put forth the effort to do this...post a thread over on the infidelity board and I'll be glad to offer advice on that process.

Fieldsofgold Established Member

Fieldsofgold

Posted
Posted
I agree with what Jennie-Jennie has posted. I imagine the anger your OW felt when she learned you would not leave your wife lingered and boiled underneath the surface in your last year together. She probably envisioned a future with you, and you ruined that dream for her when you said you would not divorce your W. It was a very harsh reality for your OW to learn that the love shared between the two of you just "wasn't enough" for you to make a life with her. My gut feeling is that these hurt feeling turned from anger to resentment, and to protect her heart, she replaced those loving feelings for you with the anger and resentment she felt. This didn't happen overnight - this must have developed in the last year. I'm sure she tried to convince herself for a while that what you said was just that, words, and you would see in time that the love between the two of you was enough. But when she finally knew it in her heart you wouldn't leave, that you wouldn't change your mind, she let go.

 

If I was a betting woman I would put money on her coming back into your life if you told her you were leaving your W - and actually took the steps to do just that.

 

Maybe it's time for you to do some soul searching. Who can you just live with, and who can't you live without?

 

Good post!

MorningCoffee Established Member

MorningCoffee

Posted
Posted (edited)
comedic entertainment?
Thought finding comedy here was nasty and totally unnecessary. Have a heart. Edited by MorningCoffee
fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
The OW has fallen out of love for you and you want to know "how does this happen?"

 

I bet your wife wonders the same thing about you. :rolleyes:

 

 

Ahhh the unexamined life. Without it, where would we find comedic entertainment?

 

Agree with the first 2 sentences.

 

Three years? She doesn't want to be your life long side piece. If you're happy enough to stay in your M while having her on the side, she knows that's where you plan to keep her.

 

Agree

 

I also believe that she got tired of waiting. Can you blame her? How long is the Affair partner supposed to wait for the person who claims to love them so much? You told her you would not leave your marriage. What did you expect her to do ... play the secret game forever? You say you love her so much, yet you chose to not leave your marriage. How can you say she is your soul mate and you love her with all your heart? I don't understand that. I love my H so much I would do anything for him. I would move mountains for him. That is what people do, who are in love, IN MY VIEW.

 

Let her go. Leave her alone.

 

Focus on why you chose to cheat on your wife. Tell your wife what you have been doing so SHE can make a decision on HER life and staying with someone who slept with another person, who loves another person and someone who lied repeatedly to her and betrayed her.

Mombot Established Member

Mombot

Posted
Posted

You told her you can't leave your M, and she was ready to leave hers. Pretty simple, as an OW it gets old, the family things you are not invited to because you don't belong. You could always offer to go to the dirce attorneys together.

Secure Member

Secure

Posted
Posted
My first post, so bear with me.

I am in tremendous amount of pain right now. My OW of three years told me she has fallen out of love for me. I am so hurt. For years, she told me we were soulmates and now she said the last month and half things changed.

My story is we are both married. We knew each other for about 10 years, but for the last 3 years we became more than friends. She is beautiful and I could not believe someone so attractive fell for me. It made me feel so good. But there was always issue of us being married. Her marriage is at rock bottom. She said she would get a divorce and leave her husband. She said she was taking steps. My marriage was not as bad as her. I lost the sexual desire for my wife, but I still love her, but marriage is not great. With my OW, we had the best sexual connection. She would always tell me it was the best sex she ever had and that made me feel very good. About two years into the relationship, I told her I could not leave my wife because it would kill my children who are still in elementary school. I could never hurt them, even if I wanted to deep down. She got so upset. And then the breaking point was she saw family pictures on Facebook of me, my wife and children. After she saw that, everything went down hill. She started withdrawing and eventually stop saying she loved me. She told me she needed time and space and a break. She went on a business trip, came back and told me she fell out of love for me. I am in shock. I never thought she would ever lose love for me. I thought we were soulmates. How could she lose love for someone she was so connected too. Now trying to make myself feel better, I'm saying to myself maybe i didnt love her, but I am not sure. Maybe I just liked the attention or the fact a beautiful woman desired me. So many men wanted her, but she picked me. Is it possible she could fall out of love so fast after thinking we were soulmates 3 months ago.? She also says we can still be friends. She said she loves me as a friend. Nothing more. I am so confused. What happened here? I am not functioning right now. I think its time for therapy. Can someone from the outside see what happened here? Thank you.

 

I can relate to your xMOW. My xMOM and I never misled each other into thinking we would leave our families. As we both have children in elementary school. Neither of us was willing to initiate divorcing which led both of us to feel rejected by the other. How can you say how much you love someone yet never intend to make sacrifices to have a life with them? I had finally reached a point in which I could no longer continue the lies and efforts needed to maintain a dead end relationship. I was angry and disappointed at myself for even being in the situation. Although I never wanted to believe he used me, it's how I felt at times because I knew he would never leave.

 

I no longer could accept not being first in his life. Having sex with him but not good enough to attend church and family gatherings with him and so forth. Being a secret in his life. I never entered into my affair with low self esteem, it was my high self esteem that got me into trouble. I was positive he would fall for me. The situation was lowering my esteem because it was unusual for me not to be number one. Thought I was really living the life at first with the perfect family and the boyfriend on the side. Then realized how could I do this to myself and my family, lower my values for someone else.

 

I ended the affair a few times. Even yelling at my xMOM one day to leave me "the hell alone." I knew my husband would leave me if he were to find out and xMOM would be forgiven. I had so much more to lose than him. And I refused to do it any longer. It did not all end prior to our spouses finding out some of the story.loooooooooong story.

 

I think of him from time to time and wish him well. I have no ill feelings toward him but not interested in a relationship anymore. Glad it's over and will never return to such a situation again.

cavedweller Established Member

cavedweller

Posted
Posted

aim,

 

You love each other, right?...I don't see what's the problem..You can divorce your W..She can divorce her H..Then you two can get married..

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Relationships end. That's a fact. Like it or not, she's chosen to let go of you and end the affair. She has that right.. Even more so seeing as it seems neither of you were really planning on leaving and divorcing your spouses to be together and get married.

 

You can't be 'friends' with her, it's not possible to be 'just' friends with an ex affair partner, especially when you weren't the one ending it. Any type of friendship will just make you feel confused and feel more pain.

 

Why not take this time to get some counselling, fix things with your wife at home. Obviously something is holding you two together - Otherwise you would have left 3 years ago. Maybe tell your wife the truth so SHE can decide if she wants to stay married to someone who is pining after another woman, feels inlove with her.

 

It is unfair..How would you feel if your wife was doing what you were/are doing behind your back?

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aim9618 Member

aim9618

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Update:

 

I spoke to her on the phone. I told her that I talked to my wife. I told my wife I have still feelings for the OW. The OW got really upset that I did this because she says its too late and told me I made a big mistake telling my wife this. She is upset that I told my wife and is was worried that my wife will call her husband. She says she wants to tell her husband on her terms. She also does not even know why she fell out of love. It just happened when she put up the wall.

 

One issue is this. She plans on ending the marriage, but two years from now. According to her, she wants to wait to both kids are in elementary school. That is her plan. She will not leave husband right away. This where i get confused. That does not seem like a plan to me.

bentnotbroken Established Member

bentnotbroken

Posted
Posted
Update:

 

I spoke to her on the phone. I told her that I talked to my wife. I told my wife I have still feelings for the OW. The OW got really upset that I did this because she says its too late and told me I made a big mistake telling my wife this. She is upset that I told my wife and is was worried that my wife will call her husband. She says she wants to tell her husband on her terms. She also does not even know why she fell out of love. It just happened when she put up the wall.

 

One issue is this. She plans on ending the marriage, but two years from now. According to her, she wants to wait to both kids are in elementary school. That is her plan. She will not leave husband right away. This where i get confused. That does not seem like a plan to me.

 

 

At least your wife knows something. Did you tell her all the truth or only part of it? :confused: I hope your wife lets her husband know, but I am sure she will spin a nice little lie to cover herself.

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