At a crossroads... Should I?

[lullaby]

Well, some of you know my story already; it’s around here in another post.

 

It would really help if you could give me your opinion as regards my current situation. Although I suspect what you may recommend, but I give it a shot.

 

Update: He “broke up” with me on 5th April, reappeared on 3th May after a period of full NC from my side. We kinda had a reconnection, but it was more like “catching up”. Then I got fed up, needed something else, and after talking to him on his b-day (the conversation went great, smooth and lovely) I decided to go NC. This was 10 days ago, I said I would call him the following the day of his b-day and didn’t. I never said “don’t contact me again” or anything like that, in fact, he said “ok, let’s talk. I want everything to be fine between us”. Well, it’s longer but I won’t bore you….

The thing is that during this period I met new people and reconnected with others, which is great, but I seem to be constantly convincing myself that I’m doing the right thing and something tells me it’s not. It’s not that I still have high hopes I’ll get back with him, I need to trust again and all that, but I have a weird feeling inside.

 

I saw my therapist today and she put me in a crossroads. She said she noticed me fighting over the desire of contacting my ex and that I'm making excuses to move on because I'm too eager to feel the void he left.

My ex never actually explained why he was leaving me, we never had “the talk”, nothing at all. It was all nice and smooth.

I can tell I'm forcing myself to put a closure to something that hasn't one. I have the feeling that he will appear soon or later, because everything was fine the last time we talked and I bet he will make contact and rock my world again. While talking with my therapist she said it was not fair for me to just be struggling to move on and that I may be losing something instead of winning, meaning that I have the right to know what happened, why he decided to leave without fighting, without talking, after only 1 year and a half of full happiness, because that's what it was, full happiness and the feeling that we had found THE ONE.

She really got me thinking, but she never said I should fight to win him back or anything, just that I have the right to ask him one more time for an explanation and to finally put a closure to it if there need be one or not.

Should I contact him one more time and talk? At least to tell him that I want to move on and need to have an answer before doing that? I don't know....

 

I don't know if I'm 100 ready to get back to a "connection" with him though, but at the same time I feel like I may be wasting time in the meantime.

My therapist reads me too well and I know it sounds silly, but she helps a lot.

 

What do you think?

Edited July 14, 2010 by lullaby
spelling

[Thorgs]

I'm no expert and if you read through my own personal thread, you'll see I'm the worst when it comes to these things. I kind of had a similar break, smooth (for her and over the phone), but I took it hard. I'm finally on day 7 and it's the hardest thing in the world, but I think I'm slowly getting "better". I don't think she cares about me anymore and that's what makes it the hardest because she hasn't tried contacting me at all.

 

It could go two ways. You contact him and you put yourself right back to square one and reopen a healing wound or you contact him again and things work out. Maybe give it another week and see if you're feeling the same about contacting him. If you still think you should call him then by all means go for it. If you don't feel strong enough to do so and that you'll be right back to square one then continue NC until you are healed.

 

Hope I helped a little. Sometimes talking it out helps.

[lullaby]

I'm no expert and if you read through my own personal thread, you'll see I'm the worst when it comes to these things. I kind of had a similar break, smooth (for her and over the phone), but I took it hard. I'm finally on day 7 and it's the hardest thing in the world, but I think I'm slowly getting "better". I don't think she cares about me anymore and that's what makes it the hardest because she hasn't tried contacting me at all.

 

It could go two ways. You contact him and you put yourself right back to square one and reopen a healing wound or you contact him again and things work out. Maybe give it another week and see if you're feeling the same about contacting him. If you still think you should call him then by all means go for it. If you don't feel strong enough to do so and that you'll be right back to square one then continue NC until you are healed.

 

Hope I helped a little. Sometimes talking it out helps.

 

Thanks Thorgs!

 

I'll look your story up and check it out

 

Yes, that's the point because he did make contact tons of times and I don't even know where I am now. I know I'm confused but stronger than ever and I've reached a point where I may meet someone else and start flirting with people, it's just that I don't want to!!! I feel like I need to give it a closure in order to do that. I can't move on if I feel he'll reach out to me at some point again.

 

I guess I should give it a thought and analyze what I really want to tell him because I'm not sure about getting back with him, I just need to have an answer and speak my mind, I never fully did since the break up, I have the right I guess.

 

Keep strong. You'll feel better and yes, it's hard and prepare for tough times but we're all here to support.

 

Thanks a lot! keep in touch! and it totally helps to talk it out.

[marigo]

Hey Lull,

 

I know im not exactly the best person to be giving advice since im lost myself. But you've tried NC with your ex before and he always breaks it. You told me yourself that you know he's gonna break it again. You said you're not sure if you're ready to make a connection with him again, but if he contacts you, as you've said in the other thread that ignoring him isnt exactly the best idea if you want him back, so you know you are gonna talk to him again, you just dont know when. The biggest decision here is whether or not you should bring up about the break up and finally have "the talk" with him. I also think that it can go both ways. You might finally feel free to know the real reason of the break up and give you a sense of closure or it can make you feel confused even more which might lead to more questions later on, which then leads for you to keep holding on until you get those questions answered. From personal experience, my ex did tell me the reason for the break up and until now, i dont understand it. It's one of those things that i dont understand but i know i have to accept it. But i must say, the part of not understanding completely what happened is making me hold on even more.

 

So if you think that after talking to him, no matter how confused you are, that itll give you closure, then i say go for it. People have said it here before that closure comes from within you. You choose to end it for you even if you dont know the real reason as to what happened. But it is completely up to you. Whatever it is you think will make you stop holding on.

 

Goodluck dear!

[lullaby]

Hey Lull,

 

I know im not exactly the best person to be giving advice since im lost myself. But you've tried NC with your ex before and he always breaks it. You told me yourself that you know he's gonna break it again. You said you're not sure if you're ready to make a connection with him again, but if he contacts you, as you've said in the other thread that ignoring him isnt exactly the best idea if you want him back, so you know you are gonna talk to him again, you just dont know when. The biggest decision here is whether or not you should bring up about the break up and finally have "the talk" with him. I also think that it can go both ways. You might finally feel free to know the real reason of the break up and give you a sense of closure or it can make you feel confused even more which might lead to more questions later on, which then leads for you to keep holding on until you get those questions answered. From personal experience, my ex did tell me the reason for the break up and until now, i dont understand it. It's one of those things that i dont understand but i know i have to accept it. But i must say, the part of not understanding completely what happened is making me hold on even more.

 

So if you think that after talking to him, no matter how confused you are, that itll give you closure, then i say go for it. People have said it here before that closure comes from within you. You choose to end it for you even if you dont know the real reason as to what happened. But it is completely up to you. Whatever it is you think will make you stop holding on.

 

Goodluck dear!

 

Thanks Marigo.

 

Right. I'm sure he will appear again at some point, I just don't know when, and I feel like walking on eggshells, like something is going to happen, so my question is 'should I give a closure on my own? give it one last try?' grrrrrr!!!!!!

Of course it's up to me. I can put a closure without having an answer, but at the same time, I feel like I have the right to ask one more time. Even if the answer doesn't give what I need, it's that feeling of 'what if...' which I hate and is making hard for me to fully move on.

 

I don't know... I'll keep thinking about it....

 

How are you doing?