Military husband unhappy, considering divorce

[angielt9908]

Sorry this is going to be kind of long, just really need some advice please.

I'm married to a man that is in the military. We have been married for 11 years. We have 2 sons ages 11 & 2. I am currently unemployed right now and came down to visit my parents with the boys for a few weeks because they don't get to see the kids very often because we live in different states. About 8 days into our trip my husband starts acting short on the phone with me and only wants to really talk to the kids. I questioned him and asked him whats wrong and he said that he was not "just going to sit on the phone and say nothing, that is bull*****. So I said ok and asked him what was wrong with him and he said got to go do homework. Then he sent me a text message stating you know when you asked if I was unhappy, and he said your right, I am unhappy and I don't know what to do about it. I questioned him some more about his unhappiness and he said he was considering a divorce. Now lets back track to the year 2000. He left me and our 1 yr old and said he was going to NC to check out a military base up there and talk to a few people because he was interested in joining the military, he went up there and he did not call me at all for 1 week before he returned, didn't tell his job, nothing. I was so worried that something happened to him. He came back acting all different, I asked him what he did up there and he admitted that he met a woman on the beach and they had sex. I couldn't believe this. I guess I put this realization in the back of my mind and forgave him for this. I thought he was running away from something. My husband had a rough life growing up, his real father was never really in his life, although he had a great stepdad until he was 16 and his Mom and him divorced, his Mom abandoned him at age 16 because she wanted her boyfriend more than him. His whole family has been divorced, not really any marriages have lasted. Ever since he has been on his own living with an Aunt and Uncle until he met me when I was 16, we have been together ever since, we got married in 1999 and had our first son that year also. In 2004, after he had joined the Navy shortly after from moving where my parents are to another state, he left me and our son and moved out of our apartment and in with his friend and his friends girlfriend, I never knew where this apartment was, he didn't want to let me know. He said he was not happy, that he

" loved me but was not in love with me" So I stay in the apartment alone with him coming back nearly everyday to see our son all the while we were still having martial relations. I finished up my degree and moved back home with my parents, so he could "find himself" as he says. He had started checking up on a divorce, but I never got any papers on it, I told him I didn't want a divorce, that he needed to go to counseling, but he would not. I even went to the Chaplains office on base told them what was going on, and they ordered him to come and talk to them, he didn't really tell them anything that he hadn't already told me and he said "Now you've done it, I was considering getting back together and now you ruined your chances" Now he is still coming around to see our son, and he eventually changes his mind and decides that he wants the family back together, so we get back together and everything is going great. Now fast forward to where we are now and this is the 3rd time that he has started this talking again about not being happy and that he is considering a divorce. He said on text message that he was not going to stay in the marriage for the kids. I told him that we both need counseling and he said no "I'm tired" and nothing would change. I have done everything I can for this man, moved with him, being uprooted from my family, having to start a new job about every 2 years, supported him in his military career and now he wants to just dump his family. He asked on text message what were my plans and I told him I would be back home the 1st of August and he said he wouldn't be there. My parents are coming back up with me, because my husband and I had planned to go sightseeing with them and now I will end up going to a house where he probably wont be. I asked him what are you going to tell the boys and he said when he got back from his training exercise that he would figure out what he would tell them. I asked him for a trial separation but he said no. My plans are to go back up to our townhouse and live like I planned on, have my 11 year old start school like was planned and just live with or without him. I know he can't legally kick me out of the house we are renting, because he has the obligation to keep his family a place to stay, per the military. I don't know what to think about this. I have known that he has issues from his past childhood that he hasn't had help with through counseling and I can't convince him to go, it's almost like he want's a do over with his life, I want to be able to save him, but how do I do it? I love him very much and don't want to lose our family together. He said we have really been living 2 lives but living under the same roof, that the relationship is just for convenience and that we are putting on a "show for everyone" Please advice what you thing is going on and what I should do, I feel like me and the kids have been thrown away like a piece of trash.

[wrencn]

Angie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Being a military spouse is hard enough. My husband and I use to be in the Army. We got married in 99 and had our first son then too, so I can really relate to your story. I can also relate to your husband's abandonment issues. Of course I don't know exactly how he feels, but I do know that when someone you love abandons you it causes you to feel like you are disposable- and you can't stop asking yourself "why wasn't I good enough for them to stay?"

 

That being said, he has two children and a wife to worry about so I'm not condoning his behavior. You are in a tough spot because you can't reason with someone who isn't mentally whole. All I can tell you, is it isn't you, and he will have this problem no matter where he goes because he can't escape himself. I use to be the same way. I felt like if we moved to another state life would be so much better- but your problems always follow you.

 

You sound very strong. I think you should go back home and continue with the plans you made. You should talk to JAG- just for advice- about what your husband can and cannot do. I don't know what the Navy is like but the Army took care of military spouses. I don't know if you husband is enlisted or an officer but do you have a Family Support Group? I'd tell you to reach out to other military wives. Sadly this kind of this is so common in the military- and with the constant deployments it is no wonder.

 

I am totally against divorce (except for extreme cases) so I really hope it doesn't come to that. My husband's parents are divorced, all his coworkers are divorced, that does play a big role in a person's mindset. Makes them think it's just a part of life.

 

And I'm not trying to be negative but if you husband is having an affair you know that he can be held accountable under UCMJ- not saying he is, just putting it out there.

 

Keep reading LS- it helps so much!

[TaraMaiden]

Just as an aside, why are you linking to another forum/website, exactly....?

[angielt9908]

Just as an aside, why are you linking to another forum/website, exactly....?

 

 

Probably out of desperation............

[EnigmaXOXO]

First of all, congratulations on finishing your degree while somehow managing to raise two children practically all on your own. When you factor in how little your husband actually contributed in time and effort towards your family and life goals, you’ve done this all on your own absent an equal partner, anyway.

 

What I see is an amazingly strong woman who along the way has lost sight of her own successes (and there are many) simply because she hasn’t been able to prevent someone else’s repeated failures. Your only obstacle to achieving complete happiness and fulfillment thus far seems to be your escape artist husband. And while I’m half sorry to say this (only because you love him)… I think it might be time to finally cut loose the dead weight that’s been dragging you down and holding you back all these many years.

 

You may find out that ‘letting go’ and finally moving forward and upward is the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself and your family so far.

 

Give him exactly what he wants. In fact, insist on it… and don’t ever look back. You will find love again. You’re in a better place to choose (and attract) a healthier and more mature relationship partner than you’ve ever been before. And learning to do for yourself as you have, independent of actually needing a man in your life, will insure that the next guy lucky enough to share your life, love, loyalty and strengths is actually ‘worthy’ and appreciative of all the great things you seem to bring to the relationship table.

[Gunny376]

First of all, congratulations on finishing your degree while somehow managing to raise two children practically all on your own. When you factor in how little your husband actually contributed in time and effort towards your family and life goals, you’ve done this all on your own absent an equal partner, anyway.

 

What I see is an amazingly strong woman who along the way has lost sight of her own successes (and there are many) simply because she hasn’t been able to prevent someone else’s repeated failures. Your only obstacle to achieving complete happiness and fulfillment thus far seems to be your escape artist husband. And while I’m half sorry to say this (only because you love him)… I think it might be time to finally cut loose the dead weight that’s been dragging you down and holding you back all these many years.

 

You may find out that ‘letting go’ and finally moving forward and upward is the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself and your family so far.

 

Give him exactly what he wants. In fact, insist on it… and don’t ever look back. You will find love again. You’re in a better place to choose (and attract) a healthier and more mature relationship partner than you’ve ever been before. And learning to do for yourself as you have, independent of actually needing a man in your life, will insure that the next guy lucky enough to share your life, love, loyalty and strengths is actually ‘worthy’ and appreciative of all the great things you seem to bring to the relationship table.

 

HELL NO!

 

First off as I understand this you and the estranged spouse have been married for over 11 years is that not correct?

 

And you and he have children together.

 

First per DOD (Dept. of Defense) and DON (Department of the Navy) you as his spouse are entitled to 80% of his base pay in so long as your married. (Not BAQ ~ Basic Allowance For Quarters, nor BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence)

 

To get it you wouldn't even have to get an attorney ~ just simply notify his command of such that you've got dependent children and that he's not supporting you and them.

 

DOD and the DON along with the other Armed Forces do not recognize legal separation. Either your married or your not. In so long as your married your entitled to up to 80% of his base pay.

 

Which pretty much leaves him living in the barracks or on ship. With enough to buy a cartoon of cigarettes, shaving cream and eat in the chow hall with a meal card.

 

You see the military services don't want to get a "Con-Grit" from some congressman or senator as to why some service member isn't supporting their spouses and children (A Con-Grit is a congressional investigation)

 

This is because the general media and press are all over this in a freaking heart beat.

 

So.................... Not only can he force you out of the Condo ~ he's obligated by federal law to support you and yours in staying in such.

 

What your education level is, degree is, your income is, job is ~ matters not. He's by DOD (Dept of Defense) order and regulation to pay you up to 80% of his base pay.

 

To top that, having been married to him for over 10 years? Your entitled to half of his military retirement, MWR benefits, commissary privileges, PX privileges, TriCare medical and Delta Dental along with Space-A privileges (You can jump on a military jet heading anywhere in the world for about $10 to $25 ~ granted it might be a C-130 or a C-5 {if they offer you a blanket ask for two ~ and as woman you don't want to wear a skirt or dress ~ its a long climb up to the passenger area)

 

Even if you let him slide on getting half of his retirement? You want to get the TriCare Premium option. For a single person my premium is $19.72 a month with a co-pay of $15 per visit. For a woman with children? $66 a month.

 

The commissary ~you can buy name brand groceries at 30% less than you can out in town or WalMart.

 

The PX sells name brand clothes, electronic dirt cheap than what the do out in the "ville"

 

I've one prescription that list for $134 for a one month's suppply ~ I pay $3 via TriCare.

[angielt9908]

Hi thanks for the advice everyone. He have been married for 11 years he has about 8 years in the military during our marriage, so not really sure about my rights as far as anything until I can speak with someone. I am going to give him some time to come to his senses, but I can only allow for that for so long, last time in 2004, that took about a year to happen, don't know if I can do that again, was extremely hard and painful on me. He talks about he cant be in pain for 16 more years until the youngest son is grown, what about my pain, does that not count, what about the struggles that I will endure with raising these children by myself while he gets off free to go and live his life, I know I sound bitter but it's just not fair.

[Gunny376]

Hang in there for at least another two years, even if you don't want nor need half of his retirement TriCare Prime (medical insurance) and DeltaDental along with commissary PX, MWR privileges are worth it.

 

For example family Blue Cross/Blue Shield health insurance where I work at in my now civilan job is around $800 a month after payroll deductions and taxes.

 

TriCare Prime Family coverage? $66 a month with a $12 co-pay per Dr. visit.

 

Having been married to him with his being in the military for only eight years, you won't be eligible. You would have to be married to him for at least ten years.

 

The good news is that in most states you can postpone gettting divorced for at least two years. (Most states require a minimum of two years abdonment as grounds for divorce)

 

You would be a fool not to ride it out just for the military benefits of medical, dental (I'm having some dental work done now through Delta Dental and have yet to pay anything out of pocket), commissary (the grocery store on base) sells name brand groceries for 30% (with no sales tax) than you can buy them at ChinaMart (WalMart).

 

I bought a men's gold bracelet for one third of what it cost at a local jewelers out in town, ~ again with no sales tax at the PX. ($300 vs. $800 +)

 

I see the same MD here in town and my co-pay is $15 per visit. A lot of times the receptionist looks at me as if "What? Why are you still here?"

 

Ditto with the dental receiptionist. They just hand me my next appointment card.

 

I've one prescription that I fill through Wallgreens that cost $138 for a months supply ~ I pay $3 co-pay.

 

Let him do as he wants, but you make damn sure you stay married to him (and don't re-marry as you will lose your benefits if and when you do) for the next two years. Let him keep his military retirement ~ in so long as you can keep your millitary ID card and its benefits.

 

P.S. Your married to a freaking idiot!

[angielt9908]

Well you know, gunny, I think he had all this planned out he knew we had about 2 more years to go, but yet told me he had not planned this. Can't really believe anything he says. I'm really tired of being played a fool. I know I deserve better but I wish that he could become the person that I know he can be.

[redfeather]

I am a army officer, and my wife waited until I left on a three week field exercise and she rented another house about five miles away and had the movers move her and our son. We had been going to a couples counselor for a few sessions, but I am two hours away from where the counselor is located which made it difficult with the long drive. I planned on going to the counselor each week when I returned home, so now we are going to move that up to going each friday afternoon. My wife said that if we both go to couples counseling to resolve our problems we will probably reunite...we are Catholic and I do not believe in Divorce. The issue you are having makes my issues seem small in comparison. I advise soldiers all the time on tough issues...it comes with the job. I tell soldiers that all of us in America have mental health issues...the only difference is that some of us Cope and deal with Stress better than others...some of us have user friendly personalities, etc. Follow the advise of Gunny...use all the on base resources you can...i.e. the chaplain, JAG, family support groups, etc. Do your best to keep your ID card and benefits for as long as you can...these are hard to replace in the civilian world. I have all the faith...please try to keep a positive attitude and remain upbeat and happy.

Edited July 15, 2010 by redfeather

[angielt9908]

I think it is pretty much over with. He text me tonight and said he was going to get started with things. He said he don't love me and doesn't want to be with me, I guess this tells me everything I need to know. He doesn't want me coming back up to MD for some reason, but you know what I'm coming up there anyways! I asked him when he planned all this and was I the last one to know what was going on and he said no he just realized when I left to come on vacation to AL that he liked it better when I wasn't there. He said he was going to talk to the landlord tomorrow and I guess get rid of our place before I can even get back up there! I don't know what to do, this is just such a mess. I have 2 boys by this man, and he wants to throw everything away for what? His HAPPINESS............. If I have to hear that one more time I will scream!!!