DontWorryBHappy Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 So something is bothering me. What's bothering me is the potential for relationships (especially in the earlier stages) to be fake and not real. My most recent relationship just ended (and it actually had been going well). Basically the guy decided he didn't have time for a relationship and bailed, wanted me back within 24 hours, and after I said I couldn't go right back to him he seemed to start moving on pretty darn fast (no huge effort on his part to try and get to know me on a deeper level for a possibility of reconciliation... which is something I had offered). The experience made me think about the relationship. We had slept together several times (the relationship lasted around 1 and a half months, slept together after 3 weeks). I spent the night with him... we'd take showers together... we shopped at the grocery store together... we encouraged each other to do well in our studies... started sharing intimate details about our lives with each other... held hands whenever we were out. So when things collapsed I immediately questioned how real any of this was. How can two people do things that make you feel so close if it's so easy to drop them and move on? We all have our own opinions about when the "right" time is to do certain things in a relationship... like have sex. I guess I've come to the conclusion that I associate certain things with an element of trust and seriousness and stability. So when I'd spend the night with him and when we'd hold hands that made me feel close and connected, and like he was someone I could trust with things and talk to about stuff. But I think we were doing those things before REAL trust was established through time and shared experiences. Now, I'm sure that real trust would've continued to develop if the guy hadn't decided to bail out... but I'm starting to wonder if he would've stayed if I had focused MORE on building that trust and kept the physical stuff out of it for longer. Or is it true that regardless of when the physical stuff takes place, if someone really likes you and wants you, it will work? Or maybe it totally depends on the people involved? This is endlessly confusing and frustrating. One thing I'm realizing I need to do is figure out exactly the type of guy I want. Because too often I'll find myself with someone that ends up NOT being what I want because I didn't have a clear enough idea of what that actually is. Well anyway, any thoughts are welcome.
angielove Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Oh my! You have pretty much summed up the past 2 years of my "love life" - three short-lived relationships which played out exactly how you have described. I think these types of relationships occur because both parties are looking for company, fun, comfort, friendship, sex etc. The relationship fills these needs and is meant to be casual. But if you are spending alot of time together and having sex, it can feel more serious and intimate than it actually is. I always start to "fall" for the guy at this point. But after much pondering, I've realised it is not the guy I like but the company and the sex lol! After I tell the guy I really like him, the whole thing falls apart. He backs off, and moves on. I get upset for a few weeks but eventually get over it. Next! Haha. Sorry I haven't given any advice or relevant ramblings lol but just thought I'd let you know that you are not alone
marsle85 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I know exactly what you mean... it seems like Dates 1, 2 and 3 are just obligatory to move onto dates 4, 5 and 6. Can't we just enjoy this night? These feelings are bound to move into the physical- so we end up feeling like we're doing this just to feel like we belong, and we're close. Is it actual closeness? I don't think so. Grr... Where is my mannnnnnnnnnnnnn:o
TouchedByViolet Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I wouldn't necessarily say the experiences or potential for a relationship was fake at the beginning just because things didn't work out at the end. I totally understand your confusion and frustration though. Lately, I feel like meeting someone great has more to do with luck than anything else.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Angie, I particularly relate with you on this..... That's how this relationship was I think. I feel like my first thought when it ended was "Aw man, weekends are going to be way more boring now." We had sex but it wasn't making love for sure.... and after the first few dates all we ever did was hang out at his places, play video games, then sleep together. I think our personalities werent as compatible as they couldve been, but sometimes that was confused because we had a strong physical chemistry.... But I admit there was always a nagging feeling during that relationship that was telling me it probably wouldn't or SHOULDN'T work out for reason I couldnt put my finger on...
sumdude Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I don't know really.. sometimes I look back at my 7 1/2 relationship which progressed to marriage then ended with her cheating, lying and leaving. I wonder which part was 'real'.
kalikula Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I know what you mean... I was dating a guy for a month or so, and while we had gotten emotionally and physically intimate really fast, it was more like "novel" and fun... I think we both wanted company. But while I started liking him, he decided he wasn't really that into it. From the beginning there were definitely a lot of things I didn't like about him that I just overlooked, I think because I liked the company and it was kinda fun. He probably felt the same way but got over it really quick while I actually started liking him even though he was totally wrong for me. Anyway, I took that as a learning lesson to slow down and not take things too seriously.. And to not have sex so fast either (At least for me). In hindsight I should have paid more attention to my second thoughts about this guy, or at least been more casual about the whole situation, but that's not really my personality..
Serenitynow Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 From the beginning there were definitely a lot of things I didn't like about him that I just overlooked, I think because I liked the company and it was kinda fun. He probably felt the same way but got over it really quick while I actually started liking him even though he was totally wrong for me. You just summed up what most people do. They know there are red flags from the start, but they disregard their instincts and move forward out of loneliness. They justify it by telling themselves, maybe things will change. Then when it goes downhill, they blame the opposite sex for the pain, even though they saw it coming from a mile away. This is why I'm single for so long in between relationships. I wait for the right one to come along. Other people cant stand being alone, so they jump into these bad situations. .
sugarmomma Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I don't think it matters when you sleep together. I slept with my ex h on the first night and we stayed together for 6 years because he decided that he wanted to make it work. I have also waited to sleep with someone and things have gone bust right away. So I say just go with your gut and keep your expectations low.
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