Thunderhorse Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I'm new here and would be interested to know what the other posters here pick up on as "red flags." A red flag is something that screams don't mess with this girl/guy. I'm a guy, so I look out for the following: 1. Lack of female friends - "Normal" girls have girlfriends. Any girl who doesn't have at least 2 or 3 really good girlfriends are psychos. While psychos may be awesome in the sack, you'll eventually get tired of the constant bull****. She will most likely seek out male attention other that you. 2. Signs of a lack of self respect - I don't subscribe to the philosophy that you have to disrespect a woman to make her like or love you. I dated a girl who had an awesome body. She was stacked! No fat, flat tummy, awesome legs, big boobs. She let her last bf berate her for being fat. Also put up with an alcoholic living with her and tried to get him to clean up his act. I guess this is part of women liking a challenge and wanting to change a guy. 3. Seeking male attention all the time - Call it "daddy issues" or whatever, but a girl who seeks out male attention from multiple sources is gonna give you trouble in the long run. While these ladies are often beautiful and sexy, they will be ****ing someone other than you eventually. 4. Neurotic behavior - Not your typical female behavior, because we all know women are a little loony at times. I was recently asked to help a girl I was dating move out of her apartment. I arrive and she is stressing about all kinds of ****. She was almost shrieking she was stressing so bad. I believe most women will allow, or even want, a guy to take control of the situation so I tried to calm her down. Well, she had none of that and kept right on shrieking at a level that hurt my ears. Luckily she moved and after I helped her, it was over. 5. Girls that associate with known skanks - Chances are if you are hanging out with a girl who hangs out with scandalous women, she will be pretty scandalous as well. Trust your gut instinct with friends of skanks. Be sure to screen them. I think there are others like lack of ambition, not taking care of yourself, etc. that are pretty obvious as well. Others?
Pfiend101 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Good list I have experience most of it no doubt. Another one would be Flakey.
Serenitynow Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Many women here are dating guys with KNOWN red flag issues, yet they continue to date them. They talk in the posts all the time about " I know he has issues but I soo like him " They should be able to fill about 5 pages worth of red flag comments.
sally4sara Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 One of my own red flag identifiers with dating men is: Stay away from guys who seem preoccupied with determining if a girl is "skanky", if her friends are "skanky", if she has "too many options" of guys to be "skanky" with. Its like saying all women are "skanky" simply by way of proximity to a man or another sexually active female. And by holding this believe, a woman has to not do a bunch of things that are a part of normal life just to prove to some guy she barely knows that she isn't "skanky". When I was single, if I was on a date and the guy made comments like that - I learned to leave immediately. Who wants to be with a suspicious control freak?
bayouboi Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Many women here are dating guys with KNOWN red flag issues, yet they continue to date them. They talk in the posts all the time about " I know he has issues but I soo like him " They should be able to fill about 5 pages worth of red flag comments. I don't think those types of women call those "red flags", they seem to be things they check off for approval lol.
Gattica Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Hung up on ex/talks about ex on first date Wants to talk about sex straight out of the gate Only asks superficial questions Receives phone calls from ex Mentions that other people are interested in them Blows hot and cold Turns almost every conversation into a sexually charged conversation Does not call when stated This is a short list of things that seem to happen quite often that are definite red flags to me.
brainygirl Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I'm new here and would be interested to know what the other posters here pick up on as "red flags." A red flag is something that screams don't mess with this girl/guy. I'm a guy, so I look out for the following: 1. Lack of female friends - "Normal" girls have girlfriends. Any girl who doesn't have at least 2 or 3 really good girlfriends are psychos. While psychos may be awesome in the sack, you'll eventually get tired of the constant bull****. She will most likely seek out male attention other that you. 2. Signs of a lack of self respect - I don't subscribe to the philosophy that you have to disrespect a woman to make her like or love you. I dated a girl who had an awesome body. She was stacked! No fat, flat tummy, awesome legs, big boobs. She let her last bf berate her for being fat. Also put up with an alcoholic living with her and tried to get him to clean up his act. I guess this is part of women liking a challenge and wanting to change a guy. 3. Seeking male attention all the time - Call it "daddy issues" or whatever, but a girl who seeks out male attention from multiple sources is gonna give you trouble in the long run. While these ladies are often beautiful and sexy, they will be ****ing someone other than you eventually. 4. Neurotic behavior - Not your typical female behavior, because we all know women are a little loony at times. I was recently asked to help a girl I was dating move out of her apartment. I arrive and she is stressing about all kinds of ****. She was almost shrieking she was stressing so bad. I believe most women will allow, or even want, a guy to take control of the situation so I tried to calm her down. Well, she had none of that and kept right on shrieking at a level that hurt my ears. Luckily she moved and after I helped her, it was over. 5. Girls that associate with known skanks - Chances are if you are hanging out with a girl who hangs out with scandalous women, she will be pretty scandalous as well. Trust your gut instinct with friends of skanks. Be sure to screen them. I think there are others like lack of ambition, not taking care of yourself, etc. that are pretty obvious as well. Others? 1) To some of us, running with a pack of other females is not appealing, in fact I'd prefer a root canal. 2) This doesn't make sense, everyone has buttons and issues. Are you holding her compassion against her or the fact that her ex was mean to her? She did eventually leave him or he wouldn't be her ex. 3) Again, this doesn't make sense. She has male friends? None of your business who her friends are. She cheats? Dump her. 4) Uhm, moving is stressful. I wouldn't want someone to come in while I was in the middle of a move and try to take over. I'd probably scream at you too. 5) She has to have female friends, but not skany ones? Really. Looks to me like there's no way a woman can win with you. My red flags: Unrealistic expectations and requirements in the opposite sex. Too judgmental about my friends and life. controlling and feeling like he needs to take charge of things that are none of his business. Sexual hangups. Either too fast or way too slow about it. Refusal to communicate. If I'm bugging you, tell me. If you're horny and wanna do it, tell me. Don't play games and hint around and expect me to just pick up what you are thinking. Lack of parity. Either never pays or insists on always paying. Or gets pissy when I'm in a position to pay and he isn't.
fwang Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I'm a girl. 1.Have too many female friends. I never believe that there are pure friendships between guys and girls. There are huge chances for him to sleep with some of his friends if he has too many female friends. 2. Grow up in a broken family. 3. Talk something bad about all his ex girlfriends. For example, he thinks his ex girlfriend is not matured enough, ex ex girlfriend drinks too much and gets a fat ass, and ex ex ex girlfriend always has some crazy ideas and gets angry easily. I met a man who has all the stated flaws. After 2 weeks dating, everything stopped out of the blue. However, if he contacts me again, I will definitely run to him.
Woggle Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Women who have no sense off accountablity-She blames the men in her life for everything even if she was wrong. It was his fault she cheated and his fault that she acted like a psycho and so on. Misandrists who blame men for everything-They feel that men are scum and women are angels who never do anything wrong. They always take the woman's side no matter what and when a man is wronged in a relationship they call it just payback for what men do to women. If a man gets cheated on in a relationship she sees nothing wrong with it. They have a general dislike of men and an overall sense of hostility to the male gender. If you disagree with anything they say you are a misogynist who is afraid of strong women. Drama addicts-These are women who can't be happy in a healthy relationship. They always get bored and start arguments just to liven things up. They can't handle peace quite and contentment and after a while they want to leave you because their married boss smiled at them and they feel an amazing connection and they have experienced true passion for the very first time.
carhill Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Others? From recent experiences with married and single women, a red flag for me is a woman who is nearly constantly ragging on her family and/or is embroiled in family drama. BTDT, wore the shoes out ain't goin' there no more
fishtaco Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I want to add this: Discrepancy. Many women change their minds all the time. However, the larger the swing of their decision changes, and/or the discrepancy between their action and their words, the more psycho they are.
carhill Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Telling me 'you must have misunderstood' twice regarding the same subject. I then know we're in different universes communication-wise. Bye-bye
Ruby Slippers Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Lying. Even relatively small lies are a significant red flag for me, as I have found that people who tell small lies eventually tell bigger lies. Excessive sarcasm and cynicism. Smacks of adolescent rage beyond which the man has not grown. Lack of emotional warmth. No brainer. Sexual hangups and judgment around sex. Life's too short. A lot of woe is me, self-pitying talk. This guy spends his precious energy complaining about how life has short-shrifted him, rather than taking action to make his life better. Funny that these are usually the most privileged guys who have nothing to complain about. Has only or mostly friends of the opposite sex. No passion for life.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 To the OP, I'm not addressing you're whole post because I'd surely be writing for an hour. But on the issue of "friends"--that is a very subjective thing to judge anyone by. People of both genders have periods where "acquaintances" come and go. Sometimes in this game of musical chairs there can be no one one knows that he or she would want to fill those other chairs. In truth I am not sure I've ever had a real "friend"--just people I'd for lack of a better word call my friend. Friends are people who one will go to the mat for and vice versa. Everyone else is just a passing association. So I wouldn't red flag a woman for not having a posse of friends-that's for teeny boppers who haven't yet discovered the depth, scope and fragilities of life. I myself have found great strength in solitude and am usually lessened by keeping up with apparent new "friends"--I cease focus on the creativity which I believe will ultimately deliver me to a world where I might meet and befriend real people who know what perseverance is instead of the vast fickle mob of wannabes or self defeatists.
TheLoneSock Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 1) To some of us, running with a pack of other females is not appealing, in fact I'd prefer a root canal. I have heard this many times, and I agree. 2) This doesn't make sense, everyone has buttons and issues. Are you holding her compassion against her or the fact that her ex was mean to her? She did eventually leave him or he wouldn't be her ex. There is a difference between helping someone because you're compassionate, and willingly taking abuse because you have a low self esteem. I want a woman who is compassionate, but I also want one who I know can stand up for herself for when I'm not there to do it for her. There are women out there who are capable of both. 3) Again, this doesn't make sense. She has male friends? None of your business who her friends are. She cheats? Dump her. It does become your business after a certain point in the relationship. If that's something he likes to screen for early on, so be it. It's none of your business to tell him he's wrong for it, just because that's your opinion. 4) Uhm, moving is stressful. I wouldn't want someone to come in while I was in the middle of a move and try to take over. I'd probably scream at you too. She wasn't shrieking at him, she was shrieking at her family for an altercation that began before he even got there. That kind of immature reaction to stress would be a red flag for many people. 5) She has to have female friends, but not skany ones? Really. Yes, that is possible you know. Or are we at the point in society where we should not only assume, but accept that every girl has skanky friends? Looks to me like there's no way a woman can win with you. Lol, hardly. This list of red flags is not one I share with him, but I can still understand his points. There are many women who could fit this list just fine. My red flags: Unrealistic expectations and requirements in the opposite sex. Too judgmental about my friends and life. Yes, this can be annoying. I find that this kind of thing just comes secondary to a bitchy attitude, which is screened out long before she even meets my friends. The same can no doubt done for girls with guys. controlling and feeling like he needs to take charge of things that are none of his business. Some girls like this, some girls don't. It can be annoying, and it can also show you care. Mature decision making should mean the difference between the two. Sexual hangups. Either too fast or way too slow about it. This is a red flag of mine as well. Refusal to communicate. If I'm bugging you, tell me. If you're horny and wanna do it, tell me. Don't play games and hint around and expect me to just pick up what you are thinking. Also a big red flag of mine. Lack of parity. Either never pays or insists on always paying. Or gets pissy when I'm in a position to pay and he isn't. I pay %95 of the time anyway, but a red flag to me is a girl who refuses to pay, ever.
Author Thunderhorse Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 So I wouldn't red flag a woman for not having a posse of friends-that's for teeny boppers who haven't yet discovered the depth, scope and fragilities of life. I can live with different strokes for different folks. However, experience has taught me girls with an absence of female friends are the kooky ones. Every girl I've dated or whatever that did not have a female friend or three was bad news. Like I said, just what experience has taught me.
brainygirl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 To the OP, I'm not addressing you're whole post because I'd surely be writing for an hour. But on the issue of "friends"--that is a very subjective thing to judge anyone by. People of both genders have periods where "acquaintances" come and go. Sometimes in this game of musical chairs there can be no one one knows that he or she would want to fill those other chairs. In truth I am not sure I've ever had a real "friend"--just people I'd for lack of a better word call my friend. Friends are people who one will go to the mat for and vice versa. Everyone else is just a passing association. So I wouldn't red flag a woman for not having a posse of friends-that's for teeny boppers who haven't yet discovered the depth, scope and fragilities of life. I myself have found great strength in solitude and am usually lessened by keeping up with apparent new "friends"--I cease focus on the creativity which I believe will ultimately deliver me to a world where I might meet and befriend real people who know what perseverance is instead of the vast fickle mob of wannabes or self defeatists. I agree, if I call you "friend" and really mean it, I'm all in and its gonna take hell and high water to get me to rethink the relationship. I don't give that sort of loyalty easily or often. I worry more about people who seem to know every one in town without discrimination.
Raderick Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 2. Grow up in a broken family. I'm curious to know why. I come from a broken family, which is not my fault in any way, shape or form, yet I'm already shot down simply because of this.
brainygirl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I have heard this many times, and I agree. There is a difference between helping someone because you're compassionate, and willingly taking abuse because you have a low self esteem. I want a woman who is compassionate, but I also want one who I know can stand up for herself for when I'm not there to do it for her. There are women out there who are capable of both. I guess I read it differently. To me, it seemed like he was saying because she'd been in a bad relationship in the past, he wouldn't be with her now. I guess I tend to want to give people credit for having grown through an experience. It does become your business after a certain point in the relationship. If that's something he likes to screen for early on, so be it. It's none of your business to tell him he's wrong for it, just because that's your opinion. If it were me, and I was dating a man and at a certain point it was "quit hanging with those people or I'm gonna have to leave you" I'd say "bye". She wasn't shrieking at him, she was shrieking at her family for an altercation that began before he even got there. That kind of immature reaction to stress would be a red flag for many people. I'm gonna stay outta that one. some people don't handle stress well and who knows what really went down before he showed up. I know that I've had words with my brothers in the middle of a move. Not my best moment, but isn't being in a relationship about getting to a place where you don't have to always be at your best? Yes, that is possible you know. Or are we at the point in society where we should not only assume, but accept that every girl has skanky friends? I didn't mean it that way. It just seems like when women run in a pack, they get catty with eachother, someone is always being made fun of or left out, and the attitude is one that just sinks. Lol, hardly. This list of red flags is not one I share with him, but I can still understand his points. There are many women who could fit this list just fine. I don't, and I like to think I'm not a bad catch. Yes, this can be annoying. I find that this kind of thing just comes secondary to a bitchy attitude, which is screened out long before she even meets my friends. The same can no doubt done for girls with guys. Some girls like this, some girls don't. It can be annoying, and it can also show you care. Mature decision making should mean the difference between the two. I just don't understand why a muture female in the 21st century wants or needs a guy running her life, or why a guy with his stuff together and goals would want to take on an over grown child. This is a red flag of mine as well. Also a big red flag of mine. I pay %95 of the time anyway, but a red flag to me is a girl who refuses to pay, ever. I don't mind paying, or kicking in for gas if we go somewhere. I draw the line at buying smokes, cause I don't, and loaning cash.
brainygirl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I'm curious to know why. I come from a broken family, which is not my fault in any way, shape or form, yet I'm already shot down simply because of this. Me too, I come from a broken family of crazy drug addicts. I don't have a chance.
thepaintedword Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 the more i read this thread the more deppressed i feel about relationships.. so incredibly shallow yet complicated... probably why i have a hard time getting into one depressing..
fwang Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I'm curious to know why. I come from a broken family, which is not my fault in any way, shape or form, yet I'm already shot down simply because of this. I am from a broken family, and I know that my personality is damaged by what I have been through. I am sensitive, feeling insecured all the time. And I believe that I will be abandoned again by the person I love eventually. I know it's not right, but I can't help it. I assume that a bad marriage of parents will negatively affect the child a lot. But it's never the child's fault to grow up in a broken family. I know that not everyone who grows up in a broken family will feel the same way as me. But the chance is huge. I am already damaged. I don't wanna spend my life with another damaged person and get hurt again. That's my preferrence. As I said before, even the guy I met 3 weeks ago has all the problems I stated, I still liked him a lot. Sometimes, you just have a crush on the very guy and all the standards will disappear. Again, no offendense to anyone who didn't grow up in a happy family.
brainygirl Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I am from a broken family, and I know that my personality is damaged by what I have been through. I am sensitive, feeling insecured all the time. And I believe that I will be abandoned again by the person I love eventually. I know it's not right, but I can't help it. I assume that a bad marriage of parents will negatively affect the child a lot. But it's never the child's fault to grow up in a broken family. I know that not everyone who grows up in a broken family will feel the same way as me. But the chance is huge. I am already damaged. I don't wanna spend my life with another damaged person and get hurt again. That's my preferrence. As I said before, even the guy I met 3 weeks ago has all the problems I stated, I still liked him a lot. Sometimes, you just have a crush on the very guy and all the standards will disappear. Again, no offendense to anyone who didn't grow up in a happy family. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with all sorts of "issues" I am sure that I have a multitude of issues stemming from that situation. I know that when I was much younger I never related well to peers because my life experience had required me to "grow up fast". As an adult however, I like who I am. I wouldn't be who I am without that experience. I find that people who come from "nice" homes seem to be, well, dull. No adversity has forced them to find out just what they can handle or what they can force themselves to do. That and they've generally had someone helping and bailing them out all their lives and tend to think people in who find themselves in difficult situations somehow deserve it. That, and I'm not ever sure of the "rules" when I'm in those places.
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