spots94 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Currently separated from my H for 2 weeks, we are living in separate places have 2 kids. We have agreed to no dating and to working on oursleves because we both know that until we fix our own selves we will not work. We figured we give it a couple of months and see where we stand. I have already started therapy and seeing a pscychologist to better myself. He told me last week at this point he doesn't ever see us being the way we were and that it will probably end in divorce but he is in no hurry for a divorce. Why would he be in no hurry for a divorce if thats what ends up happening? He was the one who wanted the separation due to money problems that I have created over the years.
gobbleguts Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Because it's a HUGE step. It's very painful and expensive. He also is giving himself time to see if he feels different about the situation. This only my opinion. ( I bet it's accurate though )
TaraMaiden Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 (. . .) He told me last week at this point he doesn't ever see us being the way we were and that it will probably end in divorce but he is in no hurry for a divorce. Why would he be in no hurry for a divorce if thats what ends up happening? He was the one who wanted the separation due to money problems that I have created over the years. ok, this is just my opinion, but I think he's trying to exert some control over you. If you had money problems over the years, I take that to mean you spent excessively and/or unwisely. He could not control your monetary impulses WITH you, so now, away and apart from you, he's finding it easier to lay the ground-rules. He wants to stay close to you, but not so close that you can take control of the collective/joint purse strings. Incidentally, spendaholics spend to fill a hole in their lives. Same as alcoholics drink to numb something else, a lot of the time. Spending money compensates you for something money cannot buy. Has this approach arisen with your therapist?
HopelessinDTW Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Currently separated from my H for 2 weeks, we are living in separate places have 2 kids. We have agreed to no dating and to working on oursleves because we both know that until we fix our own selves we will not work. We figured we give it a couple of months and see where we stand. I have already started therapy and seeing a pscychologist to better myself. He told me last week at this point he doesn't ever see us being the way we were and that it will probably end in divorce but he is in no hurry for a divorce. Why would he be in no hurry for a divorce if thats what ends up happening? He was the one who wanted the separation due to money problems that I have created over the years. It could be any number of things, including the ones mentioned above. Since he told you he doesn't see how divorce is unavoidable, he might be giving himself time to find a lawyer and figure out the financial implications of divorce. Don't know how long this problem has been going on?? Is there anything you can do to show him that you are more responsible with money...that my convince him that you have changed?
Author spots94 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 It's only been a couple weeks since the separation but I have started giving him whatever money I can afford to help pay off the credit cards that I racked up. I don't want to be like that anymore I know I screwed up in the past and I am fixing my mistakes I know it will take a lot of time for him to ever trust me again. And no I haven't gotten into that with the therapist yet, I have only went one time and go next week again. I am also going to find a money management class around here so I can learn to manage money alot better.
TaraMaiden Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 That's a bit like shutting the stable door... though I do think it's the kind of thing they should be teaching kids at school: simple home budgeting, as opposed to complex long multiplication and algebra.. Do you perhaps think you were filling a gap in your relationship? It's worth bringing it up with both your therapist and your H (in that order) .....see what they say...
habs53 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 It's only been a couple weeks since the separation but I have started giving him whatever money I can afford to help pay off the credit cards that I racked up. I don't want to be like that anymore I know I screwed up in the past and I am fixing my mistakes I know it will take a lot of time for him to ever trust me again. And no I haven't gotten into that with the therapist yet, I have only went one time and go next week again. I am also going to find a money management class around here so I can learn to manage money alot better. I think you are doing all the correct things. I think he is using the divorce thing as a scare tactic. Improve youself or esle. I would probably do the same thing.
Author spots94 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 I was lonely alot I am a stay at home mom and didn't have many friends, my H doesn't like to go out much so over the years I isolated myself, about a year and a half ago I started to take college classes and really enjoyed it, because now my kids are old enough and when school is on they are gone all day and it was just me. So I think I was very lonely maybe that was the void I was filling. Plus my H started to take antidepressants about a few years ago and his sex drive went way down we went from having sex about 3 -4 times a week to barely once a week if I was lucky. I always asked for it and tried to intiate it but after getting turned down I kinda stopped asking. We had talked about this and he said he didn't know what was wrong and was thinking about changing his medication to something that wouldn't lower his sex drive so much. Its not that he didn't want to have sex he just had no energy or drive especially by the end of the day. As I am looking back on our relationship I think these might be two big things I was trying to fill in my life that I wasn't getting. I have talked about the lonlliness with my therapist but not the sex issues, kinds forgot about them.
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