davy Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 So, I've been in a relationship with this girl for a bit over 3 years now. Everything was going great, talked everyday, everyone in her family loved me, and we were in love, no problems, big vacation plans coming up. Then I guess 2 weeks back, she met some new friends from her study club and religion group (girls and guys) and they all started hanging out often. We both work and her schedule became really full now with the new friends, language classes and clubs. Besides the new friends, she was always busy with these commitments before but we still found time to be with each other the whole weekend and talk everyday. However, a week ago, I noticed something was different with her. I know we couldn't see each other or talk as much because she would do things with her friends, which I was fine with. But it seems like something changed with her. The calls slowed down, she wouldn't respond to some of my messages, and it felt like she was busy every minute. 2 days ago we were both free to see each other, but it felt different, like something was on her mind.. but she couldn't say it. We did not kiss, hug or hold hands the entire day. I told her that I miss her, but she responded "I've been busy" and walked away. And she was getting calls from male friends which kinda bothered me the way she was talking to them. She later told me she was considering moving away to another country to learn the foreign language better.. I knew this was what she always wanted to do, so I was preparing for it. Later on I told her that I thought something was different about her, she didn't respond. I told her I had been learning the foreign language as well, so I could move with her... but she didn't respond or even look at me. Then I told her I thought that there was something else shes not telling me. She finally responded and said she didn't want to talk about it now. I went home, we didn't talk the rest of the night. The next day, we emailed each other and she told me she would call that night to talk it over, I waited but instead she texted me later that she couldnt talk because she was out with a friend watching a movie, but tomorrow we'll talk. I didn't respond, and we didnt talk again yesterday. Today she emailed me and told me about the movie and how work sucks. I went along with it a bit, but we didn't talk for long. No call yet today. So I don't know whats going on. Things can change so quickly in a few days. I think it is over now as this past week shes been treating me and talking to me more as a friend than companion. Still waiting for the final verdict, but it feels like maybe her new friends have made her realize how much better her life can be, or she met someone new, or she wants to be free and single since she started enjoying clubbing again. She knows I'm kinda upset, and I've basically cut communication with her and preparing for the breakup recovery. But I don't know if that is what I should be doing. Maybe I should try and surprise her with gifts and just talk to her about happy things, and maybe rekindle our relationship by showing her how much I care about her. Or should I just give up now and keep going forward with the "getting through a break up phase". Sorry for the long post if you stayed this far. Also, side issue, booked a big intl vacation together in 2 months, no refunds... what to do now?
GrayClouds Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I suspect she has been pulling away a while before now. Women seem to do that but when the break up comes it come as a compete surprise to the guys. Maybe we do not notice the small changes, who knows. You can ask a lot of questions but most of the answers will lead you nowhere except maybe more pain. I think the best thing to do now is to give her what she wants and start taking care of yourself. See if you can find a good buddy and treat him to a trip. Mean time read the following link as do ALL that is says: The No Contact Guide Everything now is telling you to do the opposite but it really is your best option. Good luck, it does get better.
Author davy Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 That's true, I had felt some indications before that maybe I was losing her.. but then she would do something that seemed like she really cherished me. I don't know, a lot of back and forth. I guess with the new friends, which she does bend head-over-heels for, was enough for her to let go. It's just kinda retarded why she hasnt just told me she wants to break up yet. I've read the guide before for the first time we broke up, she was away on a 4 month exchange.. met a lot of new friends, new culture, and activities... she also starting liking another guy but they never got together(she doesnt know i know this).. but it was about that time she also starting acting the same way she is acting now and then later broke up with me, and she was happy she did. So I cut her off, 2 months later she started trying to contact me... i eventually caved in and we talked and got back together. Now a year and half later, we're back again. But we did become closer during that time, and we had a lot of fun. Just sucks knowing that somethings will never change.
GrayClouds Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 That's true, I had felt some indications before that maybe I was losing her.. but then she would do something that seemed like she really cherished me. I don't know, a lot of back and forth. I guess with the new friends, which she does bend head-over-heels for, was enough for her to let go. It's just kinda retarded why she hasnt just told me she wants to break up yet. I've read the guide before for the first time we broke up, she was away on a 4 month exchange.. met a lot of new friends, new culture, and activities... she also starting liking another guy but they never got together(she doesnt know i know this).. but it was about that time she also starting acting the same way she is acting now and then later broke up with me, and she was happy she did. So I cut her off, 2 months later she started trying to contact me... i eventually caved in and we talked and got back together. Now a year and half later, we're back again. But we did become closer during that time, and we had a lot of fun. Just sucks knowing that somethings will never change. This much drama usually is a poor substitution for real love. You now have a pattern with this women that will be hard for her to understand that it will no longer work. She believes your the back up plan, now you have to believe you can and do deserve better. Good luck, be kind to yourself.
monkeybar Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 It's an awful feeling to not know why, or to read into what her words, plans really meant. sorry if you're feeling lousy the guy who dumped me made big plans, vacations, promises.....and then got cold, distant, and non verbal. .total flip flopping my advise is to stay busy, keep your commitments to your job, health, and other friends. try not to dwell or blame yourself, or guess at the "what if's"...it will make you crazy. if you've been putting off projects like cleaning the garage, painting your apt, detailing your car...these are good and useful things to stay productive. not sure i'd go back and remind her of the good things and happier times as she's making her own plans. when i noticed my boyfriends' distance i asked him "is there a change in your feelings toward me that i'm not aware of b/c i'd rather know than guess." I figured it was honest and not pleading. just information. i didn't ask him to change his mind (even though i wished he would). I said "thanks for letting me know." Then went home and cried for 3 days and will not reach out to contact him b/c it's over. Don't know if this is a suggested route for you, or if you want to ask her to confirm her current intentions, or tell her you'd prefer to end the relationship as it seems there is a growing distance. Good luck. For the rough moments take it hour by hour, then day by day. Time does seem to help
ComputerJock Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Sometimes when a woman has found a new boyfriend she doesn't tell the old boyfriend because she isn't sure how this new relationship will turn out so she keeps the old boyfriend as a backup while continuing to see the new guy. Sorry, but I would think you want someone who would concentrate on you, not be on the phone talking to her MALE friends while in your company.
Author davy Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) Thanks everyone for your responses... its been 3 days now and she still hasnt called to break up yet or explain whats going on... however i did today just found out she is cheating on me, they having been talking on the phone a lot lately.. and there planning on going to england in sept together. Shes gonna tell me its over on the weekend because shes been too busy lately. I'm gonna go pick up all my stuff tomorrow from her place i left (while shes not there). and try to cancel or get credit for the flight tickets i have booked. Thanks everyone for your responses and advice, I really appreciate it. Edited July 15, 2010 by davy
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