jumpxthenxfall Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Personally, I don't think you were overreacting. I would not like it if my boyfriend were wearing that shirt around... especially on a vacation like that where I have no idea what he is really doing there. [Not saying don't trust him, its just... vacation is party time and wearing that shirt does send the wrong signal]. He could very well just like to get a reaction out of people, but I do think that if you've told him that it bothers you, he should also respect that. He doesn't need to wear it and I'm sure he can find a different shirt that fits just as well.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) He told me he likes how the shirt fits him and he likes to get a reaction out of people. was i overreacting? Here let me translate that for you... "I like how the shirt fits!" = "I like the female attention I get from wearing it" I have just as good a sense of houmor as any one else and even I find that to be at the very least tacky and disrespectful to you. Who dose the launadry in your home? it would be a shame if it some how got mysteriously mixed up in the bleached white clothes wouldent it.. Edited July 15, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 my boyfriend went to the bahamas this weekend with his family. he ended up packing a shirt that says "define girlfriend?" i found out when he got back...i was bothered by it mainly because we have argued about this shirt before. we have been together for 10 months now i told him i felt it was disrespectful towards me and he is sending out the wrong message. He told me he likes how the shirt fits him and he likes to get a reaction out of people. was i overreacting? I think the target of the shirt itself is "male stereotypes". I don't see it as a walking, talking gesture from him to all other females which would seem to say that he is open to negotiate how much he might "do" with them a la Bill Clinton defining sex. I mean, even I would wear that shirt if in a "spring break" atmosphere where a bunch of drunk college kids were milling about. It would seem to 'fit right in'. Now if he wears it to Thanksgiving at your folks' house, then insist he change the shirt, or leave the gathering.
lab_brat Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I'm interested in what his family thought about it -? if one of my brothers (both have partners) wore a shirt like that I'd tell them what complete losers i thought they were.
alphamale Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 he ended up packing a shirt that says "define girlfriend?" what a boob
crimsonmike Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 You people need to get the hell over yourselves. It's a GD T shirt!
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 You people need to get the hell over yourselves. It's a GD T shirt! Actually its a moronic attempt to act cool but yeah ok its a tee shirt...
Taramere Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 "Define girlfriend" eh? Kind of a vague statement. It could be an unsolicited answer to the "do you have a girlfriend? question a mob of beautiful women in a nightclub have absolutely no interest in asking him. Or it could simply be that he's expressing an open minded approach to the issue of who, or what, he would be prepared to consider calling his girlfriend. Why not have this transferred to the t-shirt underneath the slogan? Then everyone can share the joke.
zengirl Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 The issue, to me, isn't the T-shirt. It's that you guys have such different views of the T-shirt. You've expressed that it makes you unhappy/uncomfortable. Apparently, you've had a fight about it. And yet, he still needs to wear the T-shirt? Something is wrong here. My Thoughts *You're being a bit controlling. (It IS just a T-shirt. I actually think it's kind of funny. I have some very sarcastic male friends who would totally have shirts like that.) Maybe the way you're expressing your feelings is unproductive. *If you've expressed that it bothers you, he is being a bit dismissive by wearing it, and that's the bigger issue. Since it is just a T-shirt, if it really makes you unhappy, he should be willing to tuck it away somewhere whilst dating you (or get rid of it if you're that serious). He should be able to understand why you feel it makes light of your role in his life, as his girlfriend. If you are the person he wants to be his girlfriend, he should give up the T-shirt since your feelings are somewhat valid. I don't share your feelings. I mean. . . it's a T-shirt, and it's a joke. But I don't think your SO should be dismissive of them.
Gallaxia Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 The issue, to me, isn't the T-shirt. It's that you guys have such different views of the T-shirt. You've expressed that it makes you unhappy/uncomfortable. Apparently, you've had a fight about it. And yet, he still needs to wear the T-shirt? Something is wrong here. What's wrong with this - is the psychology behind wearing a t-shirt that says that. Even if it's supposed to be taken as a joke. There a motives behind everything we do, consciously or subconsciously.
redmelon Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I agree, it's a t-shirt for douche bags. The only other people who find it funny are also douche bags. Maybe it's a way for him to locate his own kind. His lack of concern for your legitimate qualms about this are also disconcerting, and probably foreshadows other issues to come.
zengirl Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 What's wrong with this - is the psychology behind wearing a t-shirt that says that. Even if it's supposed to be taken as a joke. There a motives behind everything we do, consciously or subconsciously. I agree in this situation (because she has made it clear she doesn't like the shirt/what it means to her, as I said), but not for the T-shirt in general. I just don't think the psychology of everyone who would wear a shirt like that is a problem. It's a joke. People joke about everything. Everything can be a joke. (That's my view.) It's not a terribly hilarious joke, I'll grant you that. But I think there's something equally strange about the psychology of taking a slogan on a T-shirt too seriously and getting into in-depth personal psychology about it.
zengirl Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 One of the things that people in serious relationships are supposed to be trying to do for each other is provide security, a "safe place," psychologically. True, but you could say that both the OP and her partner are failing at this if they cannot resolve this through discussion. Putting it solely on the boyfriend seems false to me. It's disingenuous for someone like OP's boyfriend to wear such a t-shirt in OP's absence, and then when she expresses discomfort with it, dismiss her concerns by saying "It's only a t shirt" or words to that effect. I don't know what her absence has to do with it -- that's where the trust issue comes in, and I don't trust trust issues. However, we are in 100% complete agreement that since she had expressed discomfort and he was dismissive of her, there is a problem. I mentioned that in my original post and each subsequent post, so not sure why you bring up the point in response to something I've said. This is the core of the issue, in my opinion. If it's "only a t shirt," then it should be easy enough for him to accommodate her on this issue, even if he feels she's "over reacting" a little bit. I agree. I said as much in my first response. I don't necessarily think her feelings are universal, but he should respect them and do the small thing it takes to show he does so (not wear the shirt). It's not just a t shirt. That's disingenuous on the bf's part. The overt message that he is broadcasting on the t shirt is that he is "available" to other women. That's what bothers the OP. He's unnecessarily creating insecurity in his gf, at a minimum; and beyond that may actually be expressing his own reservations about the relationship, albeit as a "joke." THIS is the only point where we really disagree. To me: He is not creating the insecurity. No one can do that but the OP. It is her insecurity, and that is also an issue, though not as much as his dismissive attitude. I agree he might (key word being 'might') be expressing his reservations, considering the whole story here. I don't think the T-shirt is, in and of itself, a big deal. The situation is more about her feelings and his reactions than the T-shirt. My point is more that the OP should look at not only his dismissive attitude but also why she is so bothered by the T-shirt. You can do two things at the same time, after all.
BBG Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 He wore this on a trip with his family? What are they like? Because douchebags don't fall far from the tree. That is so funny!!!! rotfl..
Curt Posted July 17, 2010 Moderators Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) He's unnecessarily creating insecurity in his gf, at a minimum; and beyond that may actually be expressing his own reservations about the relationship, albeit as a "joke." WELL PUT, ZENGIRL. My problem with all this is that it places the ownership of the insecurities on him, rather than on her, where they belong in this case. The issue here is obviously NOT the shirt. It is the implication that he doesn't care for his relationship (or her), as EVIDENCED by his going out in public with such a shirt on. Is there anywhere in this thread ANY evidence to show that he feels this way? No. It is an idea that was brought up by his GF herself. No disrespect meant to her at all, but I would argue that all this could be nothing but a matter of transference of her own internal thoughts/insecurities/whatever with respect to their relationship. I cannot imagine wanting to have say in what a GF wears in public (unless of course, it's totally out to lunch ...) even if it brought up my insecurities as a result. He should throw away (or not wear) a perfectly serviceable shirt because SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT? If a guy were to say this he'd be put to the rack for having the stones to assume that he should have ANY say over what she WEARS! He'd be considered an immature fool. There's a reasonable limit to everything, folks. Curt Edited July 17, 2010 by Curt
that girl Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I wonder if this conversation would be different if it was a guy posting about how his girlfriend insisted on wearing a "Define Boyfriend" tee shirt on vacation after her boyfriend specifically asked her to get rid of it. I don't think you get to decide what your partner wears in general, but a tee shirt that is meant to imply they are willing to cheat is an exception, even if it is supposedly a joke.
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I wonder if this conversation would be different if it was a guy posting about how his girlfriend insisted on wearing a "Define Boyfriend" tee shirt on vacation after her boyfriend specifically asked her to get rid of it. Actually, I'd find that shirt funny ("Define Boyfriend"), but to me it would more be about the silliness of the word. I've always wanted a new word for boyfriend -- which reminds me of like holding hands in study hall and making out in the car before the big game or whatever -- but I get that's not what you mean. The gender in question makes little difference in my analysis. I'm female.
gamma1 Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I'd never wear such garbage and would not be happy if I was dating a woman who wore the equivalent. He can wear his shirt, but he shouldn't be surprised if one day she has had enough of him acting like a child. There has to be give and take in a healthy relationship and he is refusing to give in this instance. I wonder if this is part of a larger problem in the relationship.
kalikula Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I think it's disrespectful that he wears that and continues to even though he knows you don't like it. Re: it being "just a t-shirt": It's still the image he wants to portray to everyone around him including strangers- It may as well say "I cheat"! Even if he doesn't really, I wouldn't want my bf going around implying that to random strangers!
Kinder-Horror Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I wonder if this is part of a larger problem in the relationship. It absolutely is. The main thing isn't the clothing... we all know it is a stupid t-shirt. But the point is that it makes her uncomfortable... and not only that, but she COMMUNICATED how she feels and he chose to ignore her (and also wear it when he is out of town... without her) - This is the bigger problem If there was a particular dress he thought was too revealing (or something) and then she packed it to wear out while out of town, he might be annoyed too.
shadowofman Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I'm buying said shirt. It's clever. "I cheat" = not clever.
Woggle Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I wonder if this conversation would be different if it was a guy posting about how his girlfriend insisted on wearing a "Define Boyfriend" tee shirt on vacation after her boyfriend specifically asked her to get rid of it. . Many women here would be in full support of her wearing it and who cares what he thinks.
alyssatranswarrior Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 (edited) Oh god...some of the perspectives here are so over the top.. I'm assuming he had this shirt before her, and thus is purely a joke statement that he is not meaning harm by. Half the people here, mostly women and some men, think owning this shirt means he IS a douche bag? There are 5-10 different ways "define "girlfriend"" can be taken. Some of them funny, some not so funny. However a shirt does not define someone and its WAY too judgmental to imply so. He probably does not even think its implying the joke "I cheat" The only people thinking that here are insecure people who hate cheaters, have had bad experiences and are quick to take things (even jokes) as meaning someone cheats or is an azzhole male. ======== On to my advice. You need to talk to him again, not seeming all insecure that he has a controversial shirt that implies something YOU (and other insecure types might) take it to mean, more steering to the idea that he did not listen to your feelings. Ask him does the relationship matter to him? Tell him this gesture would make you feel that he cares for you. That he is willing to make small sacrifices. Edited July 18, 2010 by alyssatranswarrior
Gallaxia Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Oh god...some of the perspectives here are so over the top.. He probably does not even think its implying the joke "I cheat" Oh God. That's even worse. The only people thinking that here are insecure people who hate cheaters, have had bad experiences and are quick to take things (even jokes) as meaning someone cheats or is an azzhole male. How do you even ascertain that? ======== On to my advice. You need to talk to him again, not seeming all insecure that he has a controversial shirt that implies something YOU (and other insecure types might) take it to mean, more steering to the idea that he did not listen to your feelings. Ask him does the relationship matter to him? Tell him this gesture would make you feel that he cares for you. That he is willing to make small sacrifices.OP stated she already did this and he chose to wear it anyway. Hence the thread. There cannot be any "steering" of anything. That's manipulation. OP addressed it the first time. Asking him (again) would be perceived as consistently & repetitively asking until you get the answer you want. Rather than a proper resolution. And how do you think that would work out? He'd start to think she's nagging and 'making a big deal out of nothing' simply because he chooses not to meet her halfway & see the situation from her point of view. It doesn't necessarily even suggest she's insecure but more so that she's not being recognized & understood. And that he could care less. How long would that work for?
zengirl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 OP stated she already did this and he chose to wear it anyway. Hence the thread. There cannot be any "steering" of anything. That's manipulation. OP addressed it the first time. Asking him (again) would be perceived as consistently & repetitively asking until you get the answer you want. Rather than a proper resolution. And how do you think that would work out? He'd start to think she's nagging and 'making a big deal out of nothing' simply because he chooses not to meet her halfway & see the situation from her point of view. It doesn't necessarily even suggest she's insecure but more so that she's not being recognized & understood. And that he could care less. What we don't know is how the OP asked the first time or how it was approached in the relationship. If she asked from an, "I'm sorry, but this is one of those little things that really bothers me. I feel hurt when you continue to wear it, and it is something that might seem silly to you but is really important to me," and he was all,"Pschaw. Whatever." Then, yeah, he's a jerk. If she approached from an, "Oh my God! How could you even have that T-shirt?!? Don't you know how that makes me look?!? Don't you care about this relationship at all?!? You obviously don't!" way, then, that's kind of on her. Anything in between, and there's room to work. I agree with alyssa that judging the guy for owning the T-shirt before he even met her is silly. It's just a T-shirt. What is a problem is that he was dismissive of her feelings towards the T-shirt, but the question then is, How did she present those feelings? Did she present them as her own issue that she would like him to take seriously and consider for her (the positive, proactive way), or did she present it like he was a jerk for not realizing on his own it was a horrible, tacky, terrible shirt that would hurt her?
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