Hitting with the heavy gloves

[Mombot]

Talking to my MM today on the phone, I was telling him about a prayer group I went to this morning. Then he said, baby, you sound down. I said, no, I'm not really down, The part about the sin and all that really hit me hard. He said he and I never talk about that, that we will get together and do just that. He told me he was going to make an honest woman of me and we would spend the rest of our lives together, that I was an honest woman and he put me in a situation I didn't deserve to be in. He said he has a plan that will make it easier for him to not be devastated financially!

He said he didn't know how I really felt whether I would want to marry him after I had found out he was just separated and not truly available.

[bentnotbroken]

He didn't put you anywhere you didn't want to be. I think all of us who have experienced facing our sins get slapped....hard.

[jthorne]

He said he didn't know how I really felt whether I would want to marry him after I had found out he was just separated and not truly available.

So he assumed before today that you would be happy being the OW indefinitely? Cause that's kinda what his actions said.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He told me he was going to make an honest woman of me and we would spend the rest of our lives together, that I was an honest woman and he put me in a situation I didn't deserve to be in. He said he has a plan that will make it easier for him to not be devastated financially!

 

I would be more interested in what he intends to do to make himself an honest man. It sounds like it would be an uphill battle for him, if he truly intends to take on that battle at all.

[YellowShark]

The part about the sin and all that really hit me hard. He said he and I never talk about that...

 

Here's a better word for you Mombot.

 

Hypocrisy

 

"the act of persistently professing beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that are inconsistent with one's actions."

[fooled once]

I would be more interested in what he intends to do to make himself an honest man. It sounds like it would be an uphill battle for him, if he truly intends to take on that battle at all.

 

Yep.

 

So he lied to you about his marriage.

 

You found out he was married and CONTINUED and continues to see him.

 

Please don't try to say we all sin. I would hope that most people try to stop sinning when we see what we are doing is wrong. You are not trying to stop what you are doing.

 

His line about making it all honest is hysterical.

 

Tell him to call you when he is divorced. Refuse to have anything more to do with him until then. Then, you can walk the walk and talk the talk of not sinning.

 

Then you can also see if he is just providing lip service by saying he wants to make it honest with you.

 

I am guessing he will have one excuse after another why he can't get divorced right now.

[pureinheart]

Here's a better word for you Mombot.

 

Hypocrisy

 

"the act of persistently professing beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that are inconsistent with one's actions."

 

We will always be consistantly inconsistant until the day we die...the only perfection is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

[pureinheart]

Talking to my MM today on the phone, I was telling him about a prayer group I went to this morning. Then he said, baby, you sound down. I said, no, I'm not really down, The part about the sin and all that really hit me hard. He said he and I never talk about that, that we will get together and do just that. He told me he was going to make an honest woman of me and we would spend the rest of our lives together, that I was an honest woman and he put me in a situation I didn't deserve to be in. He said he has a plan that will make it easier for him to not be devastated financially!

He said he didn't know how I really felt whether I would want to marry him after I had found out he was just separated and not truly available.

 

I hope your prayer group was good...try to just stick close to God...not trying to minimize, although we all fall short and the enemy tries to tell us we are not worthy. In essence that is true, but the enemy tries to use that to keep us from God.

 

Trust God and draw nigh unto Him:)

[Mombot]

I would be more interested in what he intends to do to make himself an honest man. It sounds like it would be an uphill battle for him, if he truly intends to take on that battle at all.

 

 

I'm actually interested to hear this part myself.

[silverplanets]

I'm actually interested to hear this part myself.

 

Hi Mombot,

 

Maybe this is harsh but I have NO interest in hearing what he thinks he might plan to do etc etc, yadda, yadda, blah, blah ...

 

The only thing that interests me is:

 

- why YOU are interested in hearing what he has to say ... really, why??? Why do you want to give even one more of your brain cycles to him?

 

- why YOU are even still in contact with him to hear his blah blah, yadda, yadda

 

- what's stopping YOU closing this without him ...

 

- what are YOU getting out of remaining in contact etc

 

In a way, all I'd be interested in was you ....

 

You're not responsible for his life ... focus all your energy on yours .... :)

 

Chris

[sadintexas]

I imagine it's hard to hear him say the words you want to hear so badly but not be able to trust that he will follow through with them. Emotionally, it's tough regardless if you put yourself there.

 

I can understand about the sin hitting home. I'm baptised but not an overly religious person (although I am very spiritual). I attended a funeral while in my A. Communion was offered at the funeral as part of the service. When it was time for our row to get up, I couldn't. My parents just looked at me but never questioned why I didn't participate. I knew what I was doing in the A was morally wrong, but never had it hit me as a sin until I sat in that church. I started crying and was only thankful that it was a funeral so my tears were not obvious.

[Spark1111]

I imagine it's hard to hear him say the words you want to hear so badly but not be able to trust that he will follow through with them. Emotionally, it's tough regardless if you put yourself there.

 

I can understand about the sin hitting home. I'm baptised but not an overly religious person (although I am very spiritual). I attended a funeral while in my A. Communion was offered at the funeral as part of the service. When it was time for our row to get up, I couldn't. My parents just looked at me but never questioned why I didn't participate. I knew what I was doing in the A was morally wrong, but never had it hit me as a sin until I sat in that church. I started crying and was only thankful that it was a funeral so my tears were not obvious.

 

Adultery is the ONLY sin that can dissolve a marriage in the Bible, and many religions adhere to that today.

 

But God does offer forgiveness for the truly repentent.

 

Jesus, upon discovering the about-to-be stoning of a prostitute, admonishes the crowd: "Let he without sin, cast the first stone."

Everyone puts down their rocks, and it is a famous lesson.

 

But he then admonishes the prostitute, "To go, and sin no more."

 

So is it a sin when it starts? Or is it a sin when publicly outed? Or is it a sin when the sinner realizes it is?

 

I too am a spiritual person, and believe in the healing powers of prayer and religion. I have seen it work miracles in lives.

 

Mombot, I am happy you find it a comfort.

 

Seek and ye shall find.

[Hazyhead]

Talking to my MM today on the phone, I was telling him about a prayer group I went to this morning. Then he said, baby, you sound down. I said, no, I'm not really down, The part about the sin and all that really hit me hard. He said he and I never talk about that, that we will get together and do just that. He told me he was going to make an honest woman of me and we would spend the rest of our lives together, that I was an honest woman and he put me in a situation I didn't deserve to be in. He said he has a plan that will make it easier for him to not be devastated financially!

He said he didn't know how I really felt whether I would want to marry him after I had found out he was just separated and not truly available.

 

 

 

Six months ago the words I heard were virtually identical, aside from the things he kept hidden being a bit different. Mombot, I don't mean to kick you when you're down but words mean nothing wihout the actions to back them up. I agree with the others, he sounds like a one who will try to do things as easily as possible for him and this might mean that you come last, for at least some time.

 

Now it's time for you to choose. What do you want from him? If he will not give it to you and you stay in the hope that one day he will... then you put yourself in that vulnerable spot. I know some will say that he'll need your support whilst he divorces but I think you sound like I was, I couldn't do it any longer because whilst I was supporting him no-one was supporting me and I found that stressful. Plus, there's still no set-in-stone guarantee. Above it all, your priority needs to be you. What is best for you?

[Hazyhead]

Talking to my MM today on the phone, I was telling him about a prayer group I went to this morning. Then he said, baby, you sound down. I said, no, I'm not really down, The part about the sin and all that really hit me hard. He said he and I never talk about that, that we will get together and do just that. He told me he was going to make an honest woman of me and we would spend the rest of our lives together, that I was an honest woman and he put me in a situation I didn't deserve to be in. He said he has a plan that will make it easier for him to not be devastated financially!

He said he didn't know how I really felt whether I would want to marry him after I had found out he was just separated and not truly available.

 

 

 

Six months ago the words I heard were virtually identical, aside from the things he kept hidden being a bit different. Mombot, I don't mean to kick you when you're down but words mean nothing wihout the actions to back them up. I agree with the others, he sounds like a one who will try to do things as easily as possible for him and this might mean that you come last, for at least some time.

 

Now it's time for you to choose. What do you want from him? If he will not give it to you and you stay in the hope that one day he will... then you put yourself in that vulnerable spot. I know some will say that he'll need your support whilst he divorces but I think you sound like I was, I couldn't do it any longer because whilst I was supporting him no-one was supporting me and I found that stressful. Plus, there's still no set-in-stone guarantee. Above it all, your priority needs to be you. What is best for you?

[Hazyhead]

Sorry for the double post!

[jthorne]

Adultery is the ONLY sin that can dissolve a marriage in the Bible, and many religions adhere to that today.

 

But God does offer forgiveness for the truly repentent.

 

Jesus, upon discovering the about-to-be stoning of a prostitute, admonishes the crowd: "Let he without sin, cast the first stone."

Everyone puts down their rocks, and it is a famous lesson.

 

But he then admonishes the prostitute, "To go, and sin no more."

 

So is it a sin when it starts? Or is it a sin when publicly outed? Or is it a sin when the sinner realizes it is?

 

I too am a spiritual person, and believe in the healing powers of prayer and religion. I have seen it work miracles in lives.

 

Mombot, I am happy you find it a comfort.

 

Seek and ye shall find.

This is a lovely post, Spark. I am going to save it to my journal. Thanks for posting it.

[Owl]

Mombot, I have only one small bit of advice for you.

 

Don't waste your time listening to "plans".

 

Words tell you nothing...actions tell you everything.

 

If he wants to "make an honest woman of you"...then he needs to end the affair. Either by divorce from his wife, or ending his relationship with you.

 

If he talks of "plans"...he's trying to tell you why he won't take action right now.

 

It doesn't take "plans"...it takes action.

 

If he talks to you about "plans"...then INSIST on IMMEDIATE timelines. "So you're going to file for divorce this week, right?" "So you're going to sit down tonight with your wife and explain the whole situation, to include the affair, yes?".

 

Anything less is just him pushing to maintain the affair as it is.

[Confused4Now]

Mombot, I have only one small bit of advice for you.

 

Don't waste your time listening to "plans".

 

Words tell you nothing...actions tell you everything.

 

If he wants to "make an honest woman of you"...then he needs to end the affair. Either by divorce from his wife, or ending his relationship with you.

 

If he talks of "plans"...he's trying to tell you why he won't take action right now.

 

It doesn't take "plans"...it takes action.

 

If he talks to you about "plans"...then INSIST on IMMEDIATE timelines. "So you're going to file for divorce this week, right?" "So you're going to sit down tonight with your wife and explain the whole situation, to include the affair, yes?".

 

Anything less is just him pushing to maintain the affair as it is.

If I can say anything that rings so true....is listen to 100% of this advice. Words of a plan mean nothing....my xMW was the master of plans but the master of excuses too....Until you see ACTIONS step back....you will be glad you did it. The pain of the roller coaster is a lot worse than the pain of missing them.

 

good post OWL

[GreenEyedLady]

Mombot:

 

I haven't posted because I'm not sure what to say.

 

I was in a similar situation. I think you have to look into your own heart and be true to it.

 

I understand the struggle between doing what you feel is right and wrong. How does your R measure up? Is it worth the price of the guilt that you feel and your soul being tugged in two directions?

 

And maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. This is your R. Does it meet your needs?

 

DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS. Watch what he does. Does he follow through with what he says he'll do? He sounds manipulative with his response to you; saying what he thinks you want to hear, not necessarily his true plans.

 

I'd also want to know why he's doing what he's doing. Is he separated? Is he actively pursuing a D? Is he still trying to reconcile with his W? What is the real story? And if you can't get to the bottom of it or believe a word that comes out of his mouth, then take yourself out of the equation. Trust can only be established when we have all the information we need to make an informed decision. If trust cannot be established with the one you love the most, how can that be a true partnership?

 

There are no guarantees in life. You have to live your life by your guiding principles, no matter what they are.

 

Decide what yours are and go from there.

 

GEL

[Dexter Morgan]

this guy isn't going to get divorced. money means more to him than doing right by his wife.

Edited July 14, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Confused4Now]

Talking to my MM today on the phone, I was telling him about a prayer group I went to this morning.

Sounds to me like your a religious person. I'm just curious how religious your MM is? If he's not don't you think that's important? Don't you want to make sure he shares the same beliefs and views that you have? Don't you want to walk down that path together spiritually growing?

[ladydesigner]

I agree with those that say wait until you see divorce papers. I am not a religious person so I see the word (sin) as being a wrong action that has affected another person negatively. I believe in forgiveness and in forgiving oneself. If you feel like you are in a negative place then place yourself in a more positive one.

[pureinheart]

I agree with those that say wait until you see divorce papers. I am not a religious person so I see the word (sin) as being a wrong action that has affected another person negatively. I believe in forgiveness and in forgiving oneself. If you feel like you are in a negative place then place yourself in a more positive one.

 

Hi LD,

 

So few words, although a lot said:)...I might even take this a step further and suggest to wait a year or so afterwards...just my own experience talking...

[pureinheart]

You go to prayer groups and use excerpts from the bible, but you sleep with a married man? Do you sweat a lot in church?

 

Then the old tired bull**** about how he will leave now that he has a plan that allows him to avoid financial ruin. Translation: money is more important to me than you are.... but I figured out how to screw over my wife, so now we can be together!!! yaaaaaaaah...

 

 

Sorry, I'm just in a bitter mood today.

 

*Note* Just want to put it out there that there are no licenses to sin, although there is great forgiveness and therefore no condemnation.

 

IR, the church was meant to be a place for "sinners". Jesus was condemned for hanging out with the sinners (people like me).

 

I think it's great that you don't sin and are not in need of Jesus...be grateful and try not to cut others down because they do:)

[seren]

I am not a Christian, my beliefs lean toward Unitarian values of not hurting others and being responsible for my own actions. I am truly not bashing anyone who is religous and am asking with a genuine need for understanding as to how anyone can be a Christian, attend Church and follow the Bible, yet contine to have an affair knowing that it will hurt the BS. I understand that people can fall in love while married to someone else, but not the continued deceit that ensues. How can this be reconciled with religous doctrine especially for those who take communion.

 

The MW in my H's affair was a practicing catholic and it just confused the hell out of me how she could participate in an A. Not projecting, each to their own, just curious.

 

To OP, guard your heart as others have said, actions speak louder than words.