JustTired Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 So I am not totally sure why I am starting this thread, but I am. I have been frustrated in my marriage for a long time, but I can't talk to any of my real life friends to get it off my chest because I am afraid that telling one of them would start me down a path I couldn't get off towards a divorce. Basic history - I am a 28 year old male, I have been married for 7 years, have no kids but two dogs. I am the sole breadwinner and have a pretty decent career. I do the majority of the chores around the house, I handle all the bills, anything that might not be fun falls to me. The issues: 1) My wife has a lot of physiological issues, many of them are family issues from when she was a kid. I made the mistake of thinking that once I swept her away from her family that she would get better, of course I was wrong and it has steadily gotten worse. (I can write pages about the issues, but I think I will keep it basic for now). 2) My wife has some serious anger issues, the smallest things set her off, typical phrases around here are "I am sooo angry at you right now!", "Just go...", "What where you thinking... Answer me!". Everything she sees as being a wrong must be righted, very eye for an eye type behavior. Also there is alot of swearing and name calling from her. It makes it harder because I have an inability to fight, when she starts yelling, I just clam up, I am rational to a fault and when she starts yelling I know I can not have a rational discussion so I end up not being able to force myself to say anything. 3) Money, I make more than enough money to live on, but she spends it like its water, we are always overdrafting, not making bills, etc. 4) Drama, every single day is drama. When I get home at night it takes all evening to try and get my wife put back together again, the whole world falls apart each and every day. 5) Food, this may seem stupid, but my wife refuses to eat anything that is less than gourmet, we spend probably about 3-4 hours every evening fighting working to make a really fancy meal for her to just decide she doesn't like it and not eat. 6) Attitude, I really believe in finding opportunities in life and going after them, but she has a negative for every one of them, not just for work stuff, but also personal stuff, she basically wants me to sit and wait on her every spare minute and never pursue interests on my own. 7) My wife foils almost any outings I try to have or any friends I try to have over, I truly believe it is not intentional. But for example, I like to take weekend camping trips a few times a year, as they get closer and closer she gets almost hysterical about me leaving, almost as often as not I get a call durning my trips where she has had a fight with her mom or something and I end up having to cut my trip short to deal with the fallout of whatever happened. When I try to have friends over I end up canceling probably half the time as well, many times while my friends are actually driving over because she gets hysterical about the house not being clean enough or something like that. I have tried for years to make her happy, I really don't know what it would take, but I don't think anyone could ever make her happy. I know many of her issues are deep rooted and not entirely her fault, but how long can I be expected to stand by and be abused by her while I wait for her to come to her own conclusions that she needs to change. I know that I posted this in the divorce section, but I really hope to not have to go down that route. My reasons for not wanting a divorce probably are not good but here they are: 1) There is no way she can take care of herself on her own, also, she tells me fairly often if it wasn't for me she would have most likely killed herself a long time ago, I don't know whether to believe her or not. 2) Her mom just got a divorce a year ago, we found out her dad had been cheating with multiple women over the last 25 years. Her grandma is having alot of problems with her grandpa who has alzheimer's. Not to sound full of myself, but I end up being the one that is holding the family together. 3) My family is highly religious and a divorce is one of the worse things that can happen in their eyes. I don't share their beliefs, but I do respect my family. My wife has recently started seeing a psychiatrist about her anger issues, but I am not sure it will do anything, I think at most she will go back to acting like everything is OK and not actually deal with anything. I really could write pages, but I think I will leave it at this for now, I guess the way I feel is that if I was reading someone else saying this, I would tell them to run, but I don't feel that I can. Also I am not at the point where I hate my wife, I am just tired of this, and the end is nowhere in sight. The days when my wife is out of town or out for the evening I just sit in the house with a feeling of relief, but also dread, because almost every outing comes with more drama.
habs53 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 So I am not totally sure why I am starting this thread, but I am. I have been frustrated in my marriage for a long time, but I can't talk to any of my real life friends to get it off my chest because I am afraid that telling one of them would start me down a path I couldn't get off towards a divorce. Basic history - I am a 28 year old male, I have been married for 7 years, have no kids but two dogs. I am the sole breadwinner and have a pretty decent career. I do the majority of the chores around the house, I handle all the bills, anything that might not be fun falls to me. The issues: 1) My wife has a lot of physiological issues, many of them are family issues from when she was a kid. I made the mistake of thinking that once I swept her away from her family that she would get better, of course I was wrong and it has steadily gotten worse. (I can write pages about the issues, but I think I will keep it basic for now). 2) My wife has some serious anger issues, the smallest things set her off, typical phrases around here are "I am sooo angry at you right now!", "Just go...", "What where you thinking... Answer me!". Everything she sees as being a wrong must be righted, very eye for an eye type behavior. Also there is alot of swearing and name calling from her. It makes it harder because I have an inability to fight, when she starts yelling, I just clam up, I am rational to a fault and when she starts yelling I know I can not have a rational discussion so I end up not being able to force myself to say anything. 3) Money, I make more than enough money to live on, but she spends it like its water, we are always overdrafting, not making bills, etc. 4) Drama, every single day is drama. When I get home at night it takes all evening to try and get my wife put back together again, the whole world falls apart each and every day. 5) Food, this may seem stupid, but my wife refuses to eat anything that is less than gourmet, we spend probably about 3-4 hours every evening fighting working to make a really fancy meal for her to just decide she doesn't like it and not eat. 6) Attitude, I really believe in finding opportunities in life and going after them, but she has a negative for every one of them, not just for work stuff, but also personal stuff, she basically wants me to sit and wait on her every spare minute and never pursue interests on my own. 7) My wife foils almost any outings I try to have or any friends I try to have over, I truly believe it is not intentional. But for example, I like to take weekend camping trips a few times a year, as they get closer and closer she gets almost hysterical about me leaving, almost as often as not I get a call durning my trips where she has had a fight with her mom or something and I end up having to cut my trip short to deal with the fallout of whatever happened. When I try to have friends over I end up canceling probably half the time as well, many times while my friends are actually driving over because she gets hysterical about the house not being clean enough or something like that. I have tried for years to make her happy, I really don't know what it would take, but I don't think anyone could ever make her happy. I know many of her issues are deep rooted and not entirely her fault, but how long can I be expected to stand by and be abused by her while I wait for her to come to her own conclusions that she needs to change. I know that I posted this in the divorce section, but I really hope to not have to go down that route. My reasons for not wanting a divorce probably are not good but here they are: 1) There is no way she can take care of herself on her own, also, she tells me fairly often if it wasn't for me she would have most likely killed herself a long time ago, I don't know whether to believe her or not. 2) Her mom just got a divorce a year ago, we found out her dad had been cheating with multiple women over the last 25 years. Her grandma is having alot of problems with her grandpa who has alzheimer's. Not to sound full of myself, but I end up being the one that is holding the family together. 3) My family is highly religious and a divorce is one of the worse things that can happen in their eyes. I don't share their beliefs, but I do respect my family. My wife has recently started seeing a psychiatrist about her anger issues, but I am not sure it will do anything, I think at most she will go back to acting like everything is OK and not actually deal with anything. I really could write pages, but I think I will leave it at this for now, I guess the way I feel is that if I was reading someone else saying this, I would tell them to run, but I don't feel that I can. Also I am not at the point where I hate my wife, I am just tired of this, and the end is nowhere in sight. The days when my wife is out of town or out for the evening I just sit in the house with a feeling of relief, but also dread, because almost every outing comes with more drama. Well if she is trying to help herself i would stick with her to see what happens.
linwood Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 First I want to say that the 3 reasons you give for not wanting divorce are pretty weak. Not a single one of them concerns you or your welfare. However, given you don`t want divorce my advice is to detach from your wife a bit. Get a hobby that removes you from the house for a few hours daily. Join a gym, go to the beach..whatever. Do this so you can have some peace while improving yourself personally at the same time it will give her some time to think about why you don`t want to be around her so much. When she questions your newfound interests tell her exactly what you posted here as the reasoning behind the change in you. In other words start living for yourself because your not getting any value out of living for her. When she starts her angry episodes just leave without saying a word. Show her your getting tired of it and that there is a limit to the **** you`ll take. If she values you at all she`ll begin to understand she best not reach that limit and she`ll begin to chill. If not, there`s nothing left but divorce eventually. In time she may begin to see she can`t walk on you anymore.
messymichelle Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 im soo sorry that you feel this way,it sounds like not only are you tired but very unhappy, and that is no way to live. you say your wife has deep rooted problems, maybe therapy could help her sort them out, but what about you?? your living on egg shells, im not saying that you should think about divorce, you have your reasons for putting up with this but what about a compermise?? you say that your there for her family, maybe its time they were there for her take a break from it, you need to, go aay for a week or ten days, dont listen to any drama, tears, emotional blackmail ect you need to do this for you, the time apart may make her see what she is doing and it may make you see that there is only so much that you can do for someone. dont take your phone have a trusted friend call you at the hotel in a case of an emergency but only in that instance. what happens in the future when you maybe have kids, would you like them to grow up in this enviroment its not healthy for adults let alone kids. its not healthy either for someone to behave in the manner in which she is behaving, how did she cope before you met her??? you need to take a break from this situation asap and only then can you decide what the future holds for you or both of you. i hope this helps good luck xx
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