Sadbutrelieved Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Since my breakup in February I've been holding off on any kind of dating until a couple weeks ago when I went out with a guy I've known for a few years. He's pretty nice and all, but he is always teasing me about things. Some of them are just good natured ribbing, but a couple have really rubbed me the wrong way (insinuating I'm some wild raging sex maniac kind of woman, deviant, etc.). Would you see these as red flags? I don't want to be paranoid, but the last thing I need is another man putting me down. I told him a couple days ago that if he keeps it up his warranty's going to expire real fast, and he apologized, but now he's doing it again. Arggh.
lunita Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 We teach people how we would like to be treated. He does it again, cut him out. If you keep allowing him to do it without consequences, he'll think its ok to talk to you like that.
Dressagechick Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I agree with Lunita. I'm all for being easy-going and giving chances, but if you've stated a boundary (no matter what he thinks about the boundary), and someone doesn't respect that, it's a big red flag, especially in the beginning. Anybody worth your time is going to respect your boundaries.
Author Sadbutrelieved Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Good advice. I always second guess myself and I always end up getting hosed. I thought maybe it's just too soon for me to be dating and that it doesn't mean anything, but last time around I didn't stand my ground in the beginning and ended up getting walked all over. I don't want to see red flags where they don't exist, but in this case I have a hinky feeling that they are indeed red flags for something worse down the road.
Dressagechick Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 If you have a hinky feeling, you should listen to it. I know what you mean about second-guessing; I've done it more times than I care to count. But you feel what you feel, and if something feels "off" to you, it's unlikely to disappear unless you enforce the boundary. Neither men nor women have ESP; on the other hand, if you've told him, then he's been warned. It's his problem if he chooses not to listen.
Author Sadbutrelieved Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Yeah I did tell him, so I guess it's on him. I wonder if I'm a magnet for these kinds of guys. He's the one who pursued me to no end until I finally went out with him, just like the last one. I was ready to settle in with a cat and just say to hell with dating. Maybe I will still do that. I think I will tell him one more time in a more serious manner that the constant teasing sucks and if that's his plan he might want to find someone else to practice his act on. We've had fun so far, but I know how long fun lasts once someone turns into a jerk. I don't know if he's just ignorant or is doing it on purpose.
mikezombie777 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I think he may just be the type of guy who enjoys a bit of teasing, which is hard to deal with if you have a lot of insecurities. But sometimes it can be taken too far. In most cases I wouldn't worry about it. it shows he's comfortable around you and being 'real'. Very few people are like that when it comes to dating, so I think you should go along with it for awhile. He may be one of a kind.
Curt Posted July 16, 2010 Moderators Posted July 16, 2010 I agree with the zombie. Sheesh ... people are far too sensitive about things that are said in jest. This talk about "respecting boundaries" is used more as a means of control every day ... respecting a person's boundaries with respect to sex, drugs, etc., I can certainly appreciate. But when even good-natured teasing turns into an unforgivable "red flag," then we are truly seeing rats behind EVERY woodpile, for no reasons other than our own over-sensitivity, rigidity and sense of authoritarian "rule" in a relationship. My $0.02. Curt
Ilovecake Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) Since my breakup in February I've been holding off on any kind of dating until a couple weeks ago when I went out with a guy I've known for a few years. He's pretty nice and all, but he is always teasing me about things. Some of them are just good natured ribbing, but a couple have really rubbed me the wrong way (insinuating I'm some wild raging sex maniac kind of woman, deviant, etc.). Would you see these as red flags? I don't want to be paranoid, but the last thing I need is another man putting me down. I told him a couple days ago that if he keeps it up his warranty's going to expire real fast, and he apologized, but now he's doing it again. Arggh. Yeah it's a red flag. If he's doing stuff that's getting on your nerves now imaging how badly it will annoy you further down the line. You don’t have to force it into a relationship just because you went on few dates, you know. You don’t owe him anything. If you don’t like the way he makes you feel don’t go out with him again. You told him to stop doing it and he hasn’t which means he’s never going to stop. His behavior might be OK for some people but obviously you're not OK with it and there is nothing wrong with you not being OK with it. Don't ever second-guess your needs. Edited July 16, 2010 by Ilovecake
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