Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 I am just glad that you are not laying in bed like a wreck crying every day! Good on you! Honestly, I only spent one day doing that. I took a day off, and moped all day (I think it was the day I announced it here). I had a few bad nights in the 2 weeks after that where I'd spend like 10-15 minutes crying, and the day I moved out of his house hit me pretty hard. I still have my bad moments, but they're few and far between, and not much. I'm not some depressed, crisis ridden person who's neck deep in Haagen Daas. I was actually annoyed the other day when a somewhat mutual friend of ours sent me a message via FB. I had been kinda helping cheer her up in regards to her own stuff. She said that she was proud/impressed that "even in the midst of my own personal crisis, I was able to be positive and help others." I was like, "WHAT CRISIS?!" What other choice do I have, than to pull myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and move on?
CLC2008 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 What other choice do I have, than to pull myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and move on? I have to say, I commend you for having such a strong outlook and sheer determination. But, I also think you should heed warning and that even though you **think** you're ready to throw yourself back into dating on the surface, you're relationship was serious enough (combined with the circumstances surrounding your break-up) that you may not be aware of what's going on underneath. You both discussed marriage and kids, moved in together and things ended rather soon and rather unexpectedly, at the blink of an eye, following moving in together. Despite how you feel "today", it is bound to leave a few scars. Problems arise when those scars are triggered, when you least expect it, especially if/when they're glossed over... If it feels like you are **cheating** at this juncture, well that is a strong indication that you are not ready emotionally. Simply put.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 But, I also think you should heed warning and that even though you **think** you're ready to throw yourself back into dating on the surface, you're relationship was serious enough (combined with the circumstances surrounding your break-up) that you may not be aware of what's going on underneath. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep waiting for a mental breakdown. It's not coming. Instead, each day it gets easier. You both discussed marriage and kids, moved in together and things ended rather soon and rather unexpectedly, at the blink of an eye, following moving in together. We didn't really talk about children, and I hadn't moved in yet. And while it ended rather... abruptly, neither one of us had been happy for months.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 BTW...new guy hasn't called yet (today's the official 3rd day) so I'm writing him off anyway.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 It sounds like you are coping with the break up amazingly well. I still don't think that you are really ready to date. Also, be careful that you are not doing things and being active as a way of running away form the pain. This can work in a short term, but supressing emotions is not healthy.
thepaintedword Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 It's wierd because i can relate with you, but in a less complicated way. I have to say after reading that i'm worrying for myself as a guy because I can barely keep up with that thought process.. But i do know what it's like to still feel committed to someone after the relationship is done.. it's only natural. if you had strong feelings for the person. I also think you might be over analyzing your feelings, you need to relax and just try to not think about you ex boyfriend as much as you can. Do your best to keep busy and social. Keep active, pursuing life goals and such... Just take it easy and enjoy being single for a minute. Clearly you still have strong feelings for your ex so maybe you shouldn't worry about dating for a bit. Remember it's not a competition, your life is yours so make the best of it and hope he does too. Sounds like your a caring person so look forward to having an even better relationship down the road.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 After some reflection, I think you're all right. I'm going to take an active dating hiatus for a bit. I'm not going to be set up or look for dates. However, if I meet someone interesting, I'll go out with him in the platonic sense and will let him know of my romantic hiatus.
northstar1 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Good plan. You'll know when you are ready to date without it feeling like it's wrong. And for me, it was when I met a girl that really interested me, and I didn't think about my ex right away.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 I keep flip-flopping... I'll date, I'll not date. I'll date, I'll not date...
melodymatters Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I keep flip-flopping... I'll date, I'll not date. I'll date, I'll not date... Well in that case....don't date because you feel you SHOULD, date if someone asks and you feel more excited about it than ill ! The ol' gut check, works everytime ! I had a long ago ex contact me and we hung out a few times. He's still handsome and the interactions were fun, but when he suggested more, I " slept on it" for a few days, and when I realized it gave me more of an icky feeling than a tingly one : I had my answer !
BobSacamento Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I can't believe you CB'd (or is it VB'd) your friend. What are you 18?
Ingenue Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I'm not looking for a LT relationship right now. I'm just... putting myself out there. With full disclosure of where I am emotionally and what I'm capable of (and not). I've experienced exactly what you have Star Gazer. When I went on a "break" with my current guy because he had to think about things, we both agreed that we might date. I wasn't looking for a LT relationship either because I still loved the guy. What I was looking for was a way to reclaim a feeling of power that I felt I had lost. I felt so helpless, sitting around waiting for something. I realized that I wasn't anywhere ready to date. I felt like I was cheating on him because my heart was still tied to him. With my last ex, it took me a full 6+ months before I was even ready to fathom entering the dating world. I wanted to be as whole as I could possibly be. But even at the 6 month mark, I wasn't quite ready. The 6 month hiatus from dating really helped to centre me and it helped me to feel comfortable within my own skin again. Take all the time you need to process what's happened. When you're ready to date you'll know because you won't be endlessly thinking about it or constantly worrying about it. You won't feel like you need to compete with your ex. You'll just feel ready.
D-Lish Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Don't deprive yourself Star, don't you dare. Date. Grabbing coffee, lunch, dinner, a drink isn't cheating, it's living.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 I can't believe you CB'd (or is it VB'd) your friend. What are you 18? What does this mean? Totally don't understand.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Don't deprive yourself Star, don't you dare. Date. Grabbing coffee, lunch, dinner, a drink isn't cheating, it's living. I can do coffee and lunch (have), but anything more than that, with romantic intention, feels...wrong.
anne1707 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Star Don't force yourself to date because you feel you should. For now just enjoy yourself and relax. If someone comes along who sparks your interest then just take it easy and see what develops. Remember - your needs first is what you need at the moment.
paleblue Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I remember feeling that way sick to your stomach like you are doing something wrong going out, even tho you know you are not. here’s the deal: you are not ready to be dating. you need more time. just make new friends for now. just my two cents.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Star Don't force yourself to date because you feel you should. For now just enjoy yourself and relax. If someone comes along who sparks your interest then just take it easy and see what develops. Remember - your needs first is what you need at the moment. Thanks Anne. I think I was forcing the issue... Haven't quite put my mind around why. But I'm not in any hurry, so I'll just back off and just see what happens.
donnamaybe Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 What does this mean? Totally don't understand. CB: Cock blocked What are we, 18 that we would USE the term cock blocked?
Author Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 CB: Cock blocked What are we, 18 that we would USE the term cock blocked? Oh. Well... I don't think it's appropriate under these circumstances for my ex to date my friend. I don't consider that "cock blocking" at all. Maybe after a lot of time has passed it wouldn't bother me (actually, I know it wouldn't, as I'm setting up someone I dated with one of my BFFs!), but this soon after this serious of a relationship? No way, Jose.
donnamaybe Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh. Well... I don't think it's appropriate under these circumstances for my ex to date my friend. I don't consider that "cock blocking" at all. Maybe after a lot of time has passed it wouldn't bother me (actually, I know it wouldn't, as I'm setting up someone I dated with one of my BFFs!), but this soon after this serious of a relationship? No way, Jose. I agree with you. Sorry, but that's how girlfriends roll.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh. Well... I don't think it's appropriate under these circumstances for my ex to date my friend. I don't consider that "cock blocking" at all. Maybe after a lot of time has passed it wouldn't bother me (actually, I know it wouldn't, as I'm setting up someone I dated with one of my BFFs!), but this soon after this serious of a relationship? No way, Jose. SG, I've been on this site off and on for a few years, and I'm always shocked that your relationships don't seem to last. What's the problem? Personally I think your fantastic... This should not keep happening to you. How long is your average relationship?
Author Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 SG, I've been on this site off and on for a few years, and I'm always shocked that your relationships don't seem to last. What's the problem? How long do you have?? In short: (1) I still need to work on my man-picker. I thought I had done really well with this one, but I over-corrected from the last one. I'm getting reeeeeally close though! Maybe the next one will be THE one! (2) I have a really bad habit of not looking at the big picture. Instead, I tend to focus on moments that make me feel good (stay) or not so good (run). I need to focus more on the entire picture, who the person really is in the grand scheme of things. (3) In this particular relationship, I lost myself. I allowed myself to be consumed by his life and his activities and his friends, and I let go of my own. I put him before myself. I became unhappy as a result, and who wants to be in a relationship with an unhappy person? Personally I think your fantastic... This should not keep happening to you. How long is your average relationship? Aww, thanks! I don't really have an average. Longest was over 3 years. This one was 18 months. In my mid- to late- 20's I was fairly carefree, didn't know what I wanted, moving around a lot. Those lasted around 6-8 months on average.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 How long do you have?? In short: (1) I still need to work on my man-picker. I thought I had done really well with this one, but I over-corrected from the last one. I'm getting reeeeeally close though! Maybe the next one will be THE one! (2) I have a really bad habit of not looking at the big picture. Instead, I tend to focus on moments that make me feel good (stay) or not so good (run). I need to focus more on the entire picture, who the person really is in the grand scheme of things. (3) In this particular relationship, I lost myself. I allowed myself to be consumed by his life and his activities and his friends, and I let go of my own. I put him before myself. I became unhappy as a result, and who wants to be in a relationship with an unhappy person? Well, without getting too analytical on you... I just get the impression that your too nice. You see all those threads going around about nice guys finishing last... and blah blah blah... any chance you have the female version? It just strikes me that reading your threads you seem to find the one guy that won't appreciate you. Aww, thanks! I don't really have an average. Longest was over 3 years. This one was 18 months. In my mid- to late- 20's I was fairly carefree, didn't know what I wanted, moving around a lot. Those lasted around 6-8 months on average. Do you see any patterns?
Author Star Gazer Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Well, without getting too analytical on you... I just get the impression that you're too nice. You see all those threads going around about nice guys finishing last... and blah blah blah... any chance you have the female version? My ex wouldn't say that. He said I picked on him too much. But I have been guilty in the past of being a replica of a doormat. It just strikes me that reading your threads you seem to find the one guy that won't appreciate you. Do you see any patterns? I think that IS the pattern.
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