Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I don't really know where to put this, so I'm just putting it here because it seems the most relevant (I think). So, I'm putting myself out there to date again. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. In the first week post-breakup (it’s been over 5 weeks now), just the thought of seeing someone else literally made me want to vomit. I couldn't imagine having to date, or even looking at another guy romantically again. And the thought of having sex with someone else? Gag me! Skiman was all I had eyes for. As time passed, I found myself being able to look at a handsome guy and think, "Oooh, he's cute." That turned into, "Oooh, he's cute. I wonder if he's single?" But I still didn't feel ready to date. I started to wonder if I ever would. A couple guy friends took me out on pseudo dates, but nothing felt right. I felt… ambivalent, at best. But all that changed in nearly the blink of an eye. About a week ago, I learned from a VERY awkward phone call from a friend of mine that Skiman was looking to date again. If that wasn't bad enough, I learned that he was about to go out on a date with someone from my all-women's charity group. This made me panic – not because he was dating necessarily, but because he was about to breach 'my territory' to find dates. I didn't think I could handle knowing/being friends/acquaintances with whomever he starts dating, ya know? And I felt like my charity group, my circle of friends, should be untouchable. So I reached out to him and begged him (yes, I begged) to stay away the women in my charity group. Skiman explained that his friend had literally just tried to set him with a particular girl (who he identified for me for the first time) – and that, yes, that girl happens to be my friend…but that he had no intention of dating her because she’s my "friend." (He used quotation marks, but she is most certainly my friend. She's the equivalent of a 'big sister' for those of you who have been in sororities.) I saw my friend that same evening and talked to her about it. She said the friend that was trying to set them up had been hounding her for over 2 weeks about setting her up with Skiman, but Skiman hadn't been named – he was just described – so she didn't put two-and-two together. She also said she had no idea that we had broken up so recently, and that her friend described the guy as having been out of a relationship for quite a while. So anyway, it wasn't like he was just set up with her... but rather that he'd been wanting to be set up just 2 weeks after we broke up. But the fact that I now knew that he was looking/receptive to be set up (and so soon) made me change my perspective about dating so soon. A sort of, "Well, if he's doing it, why shouldn't I?" In the process of working on myself and getting "the real me" back, I've made a lot of new friends – male and female. My social circle is expanding. One of the guys who has come into my circle has suggested that we should go out sometime, but hasn't actually officially asked me out. I've also made it known to my girlfriends that they can start setting me up. I also met another guy who it turns out that I have a ton in common with. He asked me to dinner, and we went out last weekend. I was incredibly nervous. I don't know why I was so nervous. I had a million different concerns going through my mind: Should I be doing this? OMG I don't know what I'm doing?! How should I act? Does he like me? Do I even care if he likes me? Do I like him? But we had a really good time. Conversation flowed really well (never a break), dinner lasted 2.5 hours, and he paid. I didn't feel any crazy sparks, but I felt really good around him. And then again, I rarely feel crazy sparks on first dates with people I don't know well. He said he'd call this week. I've actually forgotten what that means! 2 days? 4 days? We didn't talk about our last relationships, but based on a comment he made I believe his last relationship was pretty serious and ended probably within the past 6 months. So, perhaps we're in the same place emotionally. Which would be good, as I have absolutely no desire to jump back into a relationship, and would prefer to go at a snail's pace (whether with him or anyone else). And speaking of someone else... There's another guy, who I've been friends with ever since we had a "thing" about 4 years ago. We're just friends now. I've tried to set him up with my girlfriends before, but nothing came of it. Before Skiman and I brokeup, he contacted me to tell me a girl in one of my pictures was cute...she's one of my BFFs. I told him she had a BF (she did). Then Skiman and I broke up, as did the BFF and her BFF. I then told my friend that BFF is now single, and have started putting the pieces together to set them up. At first, I thought nothing of it, I was too wrapped up in my own pain from my breakup. But now as I'm finding myself more open to dating, I'm finding myself very jealous of my friend's interest in my BFF, and his constant reliance on me to have me sort through his girl problems with him. But anyway, here’s the problem: Regardless of what happens with the guy I went on a date with, or anyone else, I feel like I’m cheating on my ex. I know he’s out there doing his own thing, moving on, but I was soooo in love with him. True, my eyes have been opened to a LOT of things since then, and I realize the breakup really was the best thing because the relationship we had when we broke up wasn't good for either one of us. But still, it feels like I shouldn’t be out there already, that getting my feet wet is somehow a betrayal of our relationship and the feelings I had. Can anyone relate to that?
Serenitynow Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 As a guy, I've never had the "cheater" feeling you are talking about. Maybe you are subconsciously trying to hold on. You know its over, he knows its over. I can understand still having emotions for the person, but not feelings of betrayal if I was out with someone else.
northstar1 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 IMO, 5 weeks is too soon to want to start dating afte a long term relationship. You're bound to still be comparing anyone you meet to your ex, and it isn't fair to yourself at this point, or any new guy. I would suggest taking the summer off from even thinking about dating, spend time with friends, continue to find yourself and then think about it. I tried dating about 2 months after my last bad breakup a few years back, and although I enjoyed their company and attention, it felt intuitively wrong to me.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 IMO, 5 weeks is too soon to want to start dating afte a long term relationship. You're bound to still be comparing anyone you meet to your ex, and it isn't fair to yourself at this point, or any new guy. You may be right. I had to bite my tongue several times on the date because I almost even brought up Skiman during our conversation. This guy drives the same car Skiman does, which made me gulp. And he talked about his travels and his garden in a way that made it sound like Skiman was across the table from me. Several times, I almost said, "Oh yeah, Skiman likes to grow those too. You should try planting this too, worked out well for him." I suppose I need to be in a place where Skiman isn't the first thing I think of in conversations like that. On the other hand, I had a bit of car trouble last week, and it didn't even occur to me to even think about Skiman. Not even a, "Ugh, if only Skiman was still around..." It was as if I had erased him as an option. I would suggest taking the summer off from even thinking about dating, spend time with friends, continue to find yourself and then think about it. I just might do that. But I still want to be open... Not actively looking, but open. I enjoyed their company and attention, it felt intuitively wrong to me. Yeah, that's exactly how I'm feeling right now.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 But the fact that I now knew that he was looking/receptive to be set up (and so soon) made me change my perspective about dating so soon. A sort of, "Well, if he's doing it, why shouldn't I?" What he is doing is irrelevant. The fact that you wrote this detailed post about your feelings and thoughts about him is evidence of the fact that you are nowhere near over it. And that's normal! You'd hardly be human if you were. Don't worry about what he's doing. He's out of your life now. And in the big picture, he might be shooting himself in the foot by moving on so fast. Take care of you now.
Gallaxia Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 As soon as you said that you felt nauseous, I knew exactly what you meant. I've been there before. That feeling means you may not be as prepared to get back out there as you think. Don't feel compelled to rush back out there. We are all motivated to do things for different reasons. Just because he did, doesn't mean you should too.Take your time because your time will come.
Jilly Bean Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Wow. After my hellish breakup in December, I couldn't even conceive of dating. It's taken me 7 months, yep 7 MONTHS, to be completely healed. I know everyone moves on at a different rate, but Star, just because skiman is moving on (not atypical of people to bury their pain in a rebound, btw), doesn't mean you need to feel pressured to do the same. Take your time. Continue the good work you're doing, and let yourself heal properly before jumping into something new.
CLC2008 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I think it may be too soon, especially given the circumstances...
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Gosh, S_G, it sounds like you're only getting back into the game because your ex is. It's not a competition to see who heals first, as long as you heal in the end right? So do your thing, find your niche again, find comfort in being alone again, and you'll eventually find yourself moving on.
Hot Carl Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Don't cheat on your poor ex, Star. Have some integrity.
Green Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Don't cheat on your poor ex, Star. Have some integrity. I think that if I found out any of my ex's were cheating on me I would be mad. Don't do it star!
Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Gosh, S_G, it sounds like you're only getting back into the game because your ex is. It's not a competition to see who heals first, as long as you heal in the end right? So do your thing, find your niche again, find comfort in being alone again, and you'll eventually find yourself moving on. It's not a competition, really. I suppose in my mind I was thinking that as long as we have even a smidgen of a chance of getting back together, why date anyone else? Well, in dating other people, he's telling me there is no chance. If there's no chance, there's no reason to keep myself off the market... see what I mean?
Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 As soon as you said that you felt nauseous, I knew exactly what you meant. I've been there before. That feeling means you may not be as prepared to get back out there as you think. I haven't felt nauseated since week 2. First 2 weeks: nauseated. Week 3: "Oh, hey... he's cute." (Recognition that there ARE other men out there, at all.) Week 4: "Oh, he's cute... I wonder if he's single." (Recognition that I actually have it in me to even think someone else is attracted.) Week 5: "Oh, he's cute, and single, and interested. Well, alright then, let's see how this goes." (Recognition that I can date, and feel excited, and giddy, and interested, and allathat again.) Wow. After my hellish breakup in December, I couldn't even conceive of dating. It's taken me 7 months, yep 7 MONTHS, to be completely healed. ... Take your time. Continue the good work you're doing, and let yourself heal properly before jumping into something new. I'm still doing the good work on myself, and please believe that I'm not jumping into anything. Any courtship I enter into is going to go so slow I have no doubt he'll tire of the pace and take off, and that'll be just fine by me! But... Do you think those who experience heartbreak need to be completely healed before they date again? Because I'll be honest with you... In dealing with this breakup, I reached out to an ex-ex-ex-ex (college and law school, hadn't talked to him in 8 years) because I thought I saw some similarities between the relationships and the breakups. His response gave me closure, from that relationship, 8 YEARS ago. I didn't realize I was carrying around a lot of pain and baggage from that relationship, and hadn't had any closure from it, until it literally evaporated in front of my eyes during that communication. I'm not gonna wait another 8 years to date! Not even 8 months...
Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Green and HC/Johan: Please don't make a mockery of this thread.
Green Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Green and HC/Johan: Please don't make a mockery of this thread. Well your feelings over what you are going through are normal IMO. I was just trying to be funny about things.
Jilly Bean Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 But... Do you think those who experience heartbreak need to be completely healed before they date again? No, I don't. If you're looking to get your feet wet and be casual. I don't think you can successful forge a new LT relationship while still wading through pain and hurt from someone else, however.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 No, I don't. If you're looking to get your feet wet and be casual. I don't think you can successful forge a new LT relationship while still wading through pain and hurt from someone else, however. I'm not looking for a LT relationship right now. I'm just... putting myself out there. With full disclosure of where I am emotionally and what I'm capable of (and not).
Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Well your feelings over what you are going through are normal IMO. I was just trying to be funny about things. I know you were just trying to be funny, and I appreciate it. I also know my feelings are normal. It's weird, everyone I know IRL is encouraging me to date-date, not just casually either.
likestolaugh Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 From my own experience, and that of those around me, there's no way to gauge when a person should start dating again. It's all what feels right to that person in particular. If dating feels like cheating right now then personally I don't think it should be done. It's not fair to either person on the date, since the benefits of the date are automatically lessened for at least one person. There's no reason to date just because you're single again. I think the other steps that you are taking to improve your life will naturally lead you to feel more comfortable dating again, at which point you'll not feel like it's cheating.
Kamille Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Well, in dating other people, he's telling me there is no chance. If there's no chance, there's no reason to keep myself off the market... see what I mean? Star, take the time you need before you start dating. If it feels like cheating it's because you're still mourning your relationship. It was a meaningful relationship for you and you're allowed to let it go at your own pace. You're under no obligation to put yourself out there until it feels right for you to do so. And that has nothing to do with hanging on to hope that you and skiman will get back together. It's about honoring your own heart.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Star, take the time you need before you start dating. If it feels like cheating it's because you're still mourning your relationship. It was a meaningful relationship for you and you're allowed to let it go at your own pace. Ugh. Letting go at my own pace. I wish it could be more like a bandaid. You're under no obligation to put yourself out there until it feels right for you to do so. And that has nothing to do with hanging on to hope that you and skiman will get back together. It's about honoring your own heart. That might be a better way to describe it. It's not that I feel like I'm cheating on my ex, as much as I'm not honoring my own feelings. But at the same time, I've been waking up and feeling okay. There are even days where I wake up and he's not the first thing on my mind.
Lishy Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Ok this is my opinion ... I think you need to do whatever it is that makes you feel better. In my experience after a bad breakup, I did what you did and went out to meet guys and it just made me feel worse. All I remembered was how my ex would do/say this different to the guy I was out with, then my mind would wander (whilst talking to the guy) and I would be nodding at him and thinking of my ex. My first night out with a guy after my ex left me in tears and missing him even more as it was HIM I wanted to be out with. The thing is that there is no true response to give you other that do whatever you want and do whatever it takes to get Skiman out of your head. Just be careful that you are not acting out of hurt alone as I can pretty much tell you that you will feel 100% worse. My personal opinion is that if you are totally not ready and just trying to move on faster than him BUT what you have to remember is that as the dumpee you are not feeling the higher level of hurt as the person you have dumped. The thing is that the dumper normally has ended things in their head before they had the decency to tell you and so by the time you split they are ready to date. Just do whatever makes you happy, you will soon know for sure if you are ready to date again.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 The thing is that the dumper normally has ended things in their head before they had the decency to tell you and so by the time you split they are ready to date. Yeah, I totally realize that. It's why as much as it hurt to hear that he's dating again, I kinda couldn't blame him. Part of me rationalizes that I'm ready "already" because although the breakup came out of the blue, my own happiness wasn't out of the blue. It was there, festering as well. And this freedom has allowed me to find inner happiness again.
Lishy Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Yeah, I totally realize that. It's why as much as it hurt to hear that he's dating again, I kinda couldn't blame him. Part of me rationalizes that I'm ready "already" because although the breakup came out of the blue, my own happiness wasn't out of the blue. It was there, festering as well. And this freedom has allowed me to find inner happiness again. Maybe you are ready and if that is truly how you feel then just go with it! You will soon know exactly how you feel either way! I am just glad that you are not laying in bed like a wreck crying every day! Good on you!
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