chooch Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I would be lying if I said writing this wasn't selfish. It's cathartic to spill 'yer guts on a forum when things get to you. Hell during NC it helps keep me sane. I hope that first timers to this board can take some advice from it. Obv. if you're bored by this point then don't read it again! haha Right so to sum up my situation: first love, girl of my dreams has left me for the first (and last) time. I was a dick, but she gave me reason to be paranoid. It wasn't 50:50 both our faults. It was mainly mine. No matter what happened I shouldn't have been controlling... so I largely blame myself. At first it was hell. It felt like my life had collapsed, I was alone having lost my lover and my best friend. I moved back in with my parents - well she advised me to - and in the meantime she was ****ing a guy in the flat... in my bed. I did the knee-jerk thing and begged, pleaded, cried my eyes out. With hindsight I can see this pushed her further away. We met up for lunch 3 times (all because I asked her to). Eventually she told me I was texting way too much. Only on here and with time did I realize that NC was the ONLY WAY. Not to get her back, not to play games, not even to devote time to me. It was just the only thing to do. 'Let it breathe'. If she's going to come back she will. But she's not gonna change her mind overnight, she checked out a long time ago. Twice within the last month has she texted me first... I haven't contacted her for a week. Last night I nearly crumbled. I typed her number in repeatedly but I stopped myself. I'm bigger than this. I've cracked enough times within the last month to know how much it hurts to be back to square one. I didn't do it. Today I have a much better outlook. I'm devoting the time to my own hobbies, my friends my family. I've already started the self reflection and I know how wrong I was in the relationship. The journey's only just started and I've a long way to go. One week is nothing. At the moment if she contacted I wouldn't crack but I KNOW she won't contact. As I feel right now I wouldn't even want her back, but I know that's bound to fluctuate - it's early days yet. As I say this is a selfish rant about me. I'm quite shy in real life but this break up has opened me up. I'm not gonna go round with my head up my own arse but this no contact is about me and becoming who I want to be again. I feel like the person who fell in love with my ex the first time. And I was a much better person then. Obviously now I have experience and hindsight so I'm stronger still. Thank you for reading if you bothered and I genuinely hope anyone else struggling takes something positive from this post. I intend to update regularly so for anyone just starting out it might make for a good reference or an example of how things can go pete tong despite how well we think we're doing. But right now, life is good again
Username37 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Gosh, I can relate. I was a dickhead to my ex and she broke it off with me. Right now I'm in an anger/depressed state. I'm beating myself up because I messed up and depressed because I know she's erasing me slowly and stuff. I'm on NC. Was great until I had a breakdown. Now I'm back to square one. I always wonder if my ex is gonna contact. I'm waiting for that text/call. Anyways, I'm glad life is good for you.
Author chooch Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Well I knew it wouldn't last. Slowly beginning to miss her again. I'll pull through though - not that I have much choice. lol. Mate it's natural to be jealous, especially if she gives you reason to worry. It doesn't mean we were right but if you love someone you can act wrong whilst having the right intentions. What I think was hardest for me is her new friends all thought she was going out with 'him' for months before she finished me... she used to meet him every week and get bus with him to a social activity. I used to get proper pissed off cos I knew he fancied her and I tried explaining by going early just you and him 'you're leading him on'. Maybe she genuinely didn't think she was - she tells me nothing happened until after she left me. But it doesn't do to dwell on it. At end of day I WAS out of line in the past... it only pushed her away. But she wasn't completely innocent either. I had reason to worry even if I was a tool. We were in love for a long time anyway... Why both dwelling on it - she's gone and she's not coming back. I mean in an ideal world she'd come back but I know it is almost certainly not gonna happen. I can live with that. On another note I just noticed your sig One of the things I've rediscovered is my love of nirvana. My ex didn't like them at all. I've just bought the MTV unplugged sessions. WOW! I'd never heard that album before. Listening to them is helping me cope atm... Gosh, I can relate. I was a dickhead to my ex and she broke it off with me. Right now I'm in an anger/depressed state. I'm beating myself up because I messed up and depressed because I know she's erasing me slowly and stuff. I'm on NC. Was great until I had a breakdown. Now I'm back to square one. I always wonder if my ex is gonna contact. I'm waiting for that text/call. Anyways, I'm glad life is good for you.
whatarmy Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 If you can seriously move on and learn from what you did wrong, that is the best thing ever. All the hurt you're going through now will be worth it if you treat the next girl right, no matter how far off you feel that is. p.s. alice in chain's unplugged album is really good too if you like nirvana.
Author chooch Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 As I say I've definitely learned already and I think I will learn even more as time goes on! Also thanks for the music suggestion If you can seriously move on and learn from what you did wrong, that is the best thing ever. All the hurt you're going through now will be worth it if you treat the next girl right, no matter how far off you feel that is. p.s. alice in chain's unplugged album is really good too if you like nirvana.
Author chooch Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) She's trying to friend-zone me! Rang this afternoon to ask I could help her cover a session we usually teach together - I can't cos I'm busy tonight. She said she isn't going cos she has a kidney infection but is instead going to meet her friends... in other words she cba! benefit of the doubt though, IF she's even remotely the girl I knew she's not lying and in fairness the session would involve travelling and working late, which meeting her friends won't. Still, pretty dishonest on the ppl going to the session! So I'm doing great. I've accepted that it's over and she's NEVER coming back. I had already accepted that and am getting on with MY life. I'm happy. I still want her back one day, but I can feel my love toward her fading. That's not to say I didn't love her dearly, but when someone ****'s you over you soon realize they're not the person you fell in love with. I haven't been angry at her and even forgave her immediately for the way she left me. I'm not the type to bear grudges if I can help it. I do bear a grudge against the guy (hypocritical I know) but I never loved him in the past and I think that's the only reason I forgave her. I genuinely loved her that much. Anyways, so this is the first time she's properly broken no contact, to ask for a favour. Nice I brought up the relationship because I have nothing to lose. I've resigned to the fact it's over so if she hangs up I really dont care. I tell her that we could move away (I was always moving come January anyway and we were gonna LDR) and start again, without ANY of the baggage. She declined as I expected but I had to ask, so she knew the offer was there. She won't change her mind. We talked naturally (about non-relationship stuff) and I asked if she missed me. She said only that she could always talk to me... again I don't know what to do. I'm happy and I'm not letting it pull me back to square one. I'm over it. I still have some love left for her but I don't need her to be happy. I could genuinely stay friends and not let it affect me, but I don't know if that would be the weak thing to do. I mean, she hurt me with the breakup in ways she didn't need to. It's a conundrum. I don't need her in my life in any capacity but nor do I feel I should shut the door because just because I can. I'm not clinging to false hope or anything. She may fall in love with the 'new' confident, non-clingy me all over again if we stay friends, just as much as she might suddenly miss me if I stayed NC for 5 years. Both are equally unlikely and I accept that. We've text a little since the phone call and she knows I'm over her (has started putting kisses again) - she didn't do that previously so I didn't get the impression she wanted me back. Interesting turning point for me though. I'm not being dragged down and I'm gonna be just as happy whichever way I go. Part of me thinks if she's gonna contact me for advice etc. as a friend then she'd just be using me. I don't want to be used like that... I deliberately ignored a second phone call before to reassert I'm not waiting on her. Not playing games there either, just giving her a clear message; she doesn't call the shots and nor do I. Taking my own advice and going NC again*. If she wants me as a genuine friend she'll contact me a lot and not only do it to 'use' me. * take note you noobs struggling with NC Edited July 15, 2010 by chooch
Author chooch Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 ****ing hell found a post by her on another forum from the day she left me... turns our she harboured feelings for this other guy for ages and was gonna tell me then bottled it... even admitted she bottled it on that forum. they all said she was doing the right thing cos I was a control freak. I was but she didn't talk to me and communicate how she felt to ME. I didn't realize I was making her SO unhappy at the time. yes with hindsight it's easy but she didn't try to tell me her issues. I was back to square one but I now at least have closure. I'm not hanging on to false hope. Funnies thing was on the forum she was all 'torn between two guys'... I need to see what I want. Then the next day she's all 'I'm on antibiotics do I need to use a condom instead of just the pill'. She went on the pill for us a few years back... so obviously she's ****ing him still. It doesn't bother me. I just wish she'd had the decency to tell me to my face she was falling out of love with me. And I quote: "I haven't really felt like it's been going great for a while with Mr 1 but I have had feelings for him in the past and would want to spare him being hurt as much as possible. I might talk to Mr 1 see if he's feeling like our relationship isn't what it should be, might be best for us to call it off. However long we've been together doesn't mean we should stay together if one/both of us are unhappy" I'm Mr 1 the new guy is Mr 2. The last statement about not being fair to stay if she's unhappy is completely understandable. I'm glad she got out of something she wasn't happy in. "Decided not to talk to him about how he's feeling" But it hurts that she didn't let me down gently. She really hurt me. I never meant to be controlling and I've certainly learned. With hindsight I can see it clearly and I NEVER EVER intended to do it. What's worse is she admits she found it hard to finish... she almost changed her mind. Well that's all the past now. Square 1... least there isn't a NC to break. NC is a given Tbh I'm crushed all over again. I know I made her fall out of love with me but I really did love her. I never intended to hurt her. ****!!
Author chooch Posted July 18, 2010 Author Posted July 18, 2010 At the risk of sounding morose it was all my fault. I loved the girl, never meant to hurt her but I ended up being too controlling. I didn't mean to at the time, all I wanted was her to be happy. I deserve this pain and she is better off without me.
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