kelsmommy Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I've been reading these boards for the past few weeks now, and I think it's the place to start helping me to really heal from all this drama in my life. Long story short - my soon-to-be-ex and I were together twelve years, most of which was long distance due to immigration issues. I went through a lot of stuff during that time, and I admit, I even cheated. I was very selfish because I couldn't cope with a lot of issues, and I know I hurt him a lot. I realized my errors, and broke it off with the OM immediately and did a lot to repent for my mistake. My soon to be ex and I married in July 2007, and I finally got up to Canada to be with him in August 2008 - pregnant with my first child as well. The marriage was not without it's issue the minute I arrived there. I was diagnosed with depression during my pregnancy, and I was pretty sad all of the time. I couldn't take anything because I was pregnant, but I did see a counselor for my depression. I tried to be there for my husband, but I was clearly hormonal and very sad. His advice to get through it all - "Just go out into the sun and you will feel better". Any time I tried to tell him how I felt, and argument ensued. I tried very hard to tell him I wanted to tell him my feelings - I never wanted to hurt him. He took it as me trying to destroy his self-esteem and blame him for everything. My husband was never the type to be okay with his feelings, and I realized this much more as we lived together. He prided himself on keeping feelings in check, while I insisted on letting them out before they became disruptive. He scolded me for letting them out, and I would feel immense resentment because of that, because I felt like I didn't have anything to hide. Whenever I would plead with him or tell him something that troubled me, and I wanted us to work it out, he'd often go cold, or even put his fingers into his ear and go "la la la". It would frustrate me so much that I tell him I hated him. Of course, I would apologize and tell him that he was an awesome person and I was just emotional, but deep inside, I knew it was something far more honest than that. Once I had my son, it was good for a while, but then I wanted to go back to work, as I figured that being a SAHM wasn't for me. Whenever I asked my husband to watch the baby so I could go to an class or work on my resume, he'd look at me as if I asked him to find a needle in a haystack. Oh sure, he'd tell me that I would find a job, and all I'd have to do is keep trying, but the minute I did, he grew cold and angry. Even moreso when I wanted to go to school to improve myself and hopefully be able to find a better job to help out with the family more. I wanted his support so much, and he just stared at me. This continued on even more, as his hours at work began to dwindle, and I began to pick up the slack. This is not to say that's what I wanted. A few years back, I had to be the main provider for my family when my mother lost her job, and it drove me to the brink of insanity, especially with my mom's verbal abuse. I didn't want to experience that again, considering how I was recovering from my earlier depression. But he would tell me how selfish I was and how I should be more like him - even though I worked my tail off for my family. I was so terribly unhappy, and felt very alone, but I kept it too myself, for fear of making things worse. A few months later, the bomb dropped - I discovered his infidelity and even worse, he would lie and take my son to be with this other woman, presumably to play house. I was devastated. I worked so hard to be with this man, and he did that to me. He told me he wanted to be happy, and he didn't feel like he should consider other's feelings for that. Yet he wanted to keep me around, making it so that I'd see him every day, trying to be my friend. He threw a hissy fit when I told him we couldn't be friends, and I still loved him and it hurt too much. He called me every name in the book - in front of my son no less. I left when I discovered his late night job - one I'd have to leave my job early for so I could watch the baby - didn't exist, and he was actually with this woman. I told him enough was enough, and I would be filing court paperwork on Monday. He shoved me to the wall and left the house. Fearing my safety, I fled to a woman's shelter. I haven't gone back since. He's morphed from a good man who a horrid one. He blamed my depression for the breakdown of the marriage, and accuses me of keeping our son from him. Never mind that he hasn't taken initiative to be a dad. Also, when our son was in the hospital sick, he was too busy taking care of the OW's kid to care - and then tried to apologize. He tried to file papers against me, which i responded to, but he never once replied to mine. He didn't even show up to court to face a judge last month - and then tried to be nice and say "We should talk". I told him I didn't want to, and got read the riot act. I have to contact him for my son's sake, but except for a few missteps, I don't talk to him about anything else. So here's where the coping comes in... I'm in a different country, three thousand miles away from my family, whom I may never see again. I'm devastated, and I feel really lonely. I know the marriage is over, but a part of me won't let go. I mean, I cheated, and I repented, and I did all I could for two years to make it up to him. Surely, he will do the same, right...but then I realize that he's hurt me too much, and he's hurt my son as well, even though he's too young to understand. I'm trying really hard to cope and let go. I've focused on getting back into school and getting a degree. I've taught my son words. I'm trying really hard to heal, and it's not easy. My husband has tried to real me in, and it's worked a few times. I noticed that for every month I don't talk about us, he'll pull me in. Now that I know this, hopefully I can survive next month. Next week is our courtdate to determine custody and child/spousal support. He says he'll be there...so we'll see. I just hope I can befriend others who know what I am going through and can help me heal. I'm not ready to date yet, and even if I were, I don't know if I could since i'm still married. Here in BC you have to wait a whole year before divorce, and it's only month five. I just need to heal. Can anyone help me? Thanks for your support.
LoveTruthChaos Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I don't know how much I can help, but I can kind of relate. I have never been married, but I have grown up hearing stories of my Mum who's been in a similar marriage situation. In your situation, I would be the role of your son. My father cheated on my Mum with a new woman every night, but ended up with a woman who had 2 kids. When they went through custody battles for me, my father wanted to see me one day a month, and with his new girlfriend there (without my Mum). That didn't sit right with Mum, so she got full custody of me, raising me on her own. I have never met my father. A few years ago, my father sought contact with me, but ended up getting my Mum on the other line instead. He was crying when he told Mum how he 'practically raised the (OW)'s kids'. My Mum blurted out 'and what about your own child, that you didn't even pay child support to, nor wanted anything to do with?' I guess what I want to say is this. I have turned out fine in my life. I never needed, nor wanted for a father. Mum simply took on both roles. And she made the right decision, so as to steer clear of drama. Children DO NOT need a father around them, so don't feel guilty about that. All your son needs is to be raised in a stress and trouble free environment. I hope everything works out. Men think with their d*cks. Don't let your son near this man or else he'll end up the same. This man is not even his father, since he wants no responsibility of him. He's better off without him. Best of luck
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