HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Here's my story... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231350/ Believed this woman and thought she was "the one". Just found out last night I got left for another guy, even though I was never even told we were breaking up. Just that she needed to finish her divorce. Devestated doesn't begin to express my grief. I don't know what to do or how to get past this. I'm trying to go see a counselor and can't even get an appointment. WTH do I do now? I feel like I can't function... Sorry...
supersub Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Here's my story... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t231350/ Believed this woman and thought she was "the one". Just found out last night I got left for another guy, even though I was never even told we were breaking up. Just that she needed to finish her divorce. Devestated doesn't begin to express my grief. I don't know what to do or how to get past this. I'm trying to go see a counselor and can't even get an appointment. WTH do I do now? I feel like I can't function... Sorry... Hey Plains, Sorry for your loss. Keep your chin up mate. All you can do now is start to pick up the pieces of your heart and move forward. Take some time to not function. That's how I was in December and Jan of last year, Feb, and March things started to slowly move forward to where they are now. I think you need time to grieve, then you need to start to fill your time with positive activities which will help you. What you are feeling right now is normal so let it out. Its the first stage. Go no contact and work on you. We are all here for you. I have been through all of this just recently so I can help you through any stage. The good news is it will and does get better, the good will out! Supersub.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Thanks Sub, I've followed your story as well. Thank you for the positive words. I'm just shocked at all of this and would never have imagined it ending this way. She doesn't even know I know what's going on. Had a really bad day today and am soooooo bummed. I need to figure out how to get past this. I was really hoping that she would come back, and I guess I still am. So strange. Never had a fight and never had a bad word. Nothing but love until back in early march when she started to act weird. I'm wondering if that's when all of this really went down. It's been so hard for me to trust a woman after some earlier bad experiences, but I put it all into this one. It sucks because I want her back, but now don't even know if I could take her back. Oh heartbreak is horrible.
supersub Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Thanks Sub, I've followed your story as well. Thank you for the positive words. I'm just shocked at all of this and would never have imagined it ending this way. She doesn't even know I know what's going on. Had a really bad day today and am soooooo bummed. I need to figure out how to get past this. I was really hoping that she would come back, and I guess I still am. So strange. Never had a fight and never had a bad word. Nothing but love until back in early march when she started to act weird. I'm wondering if that's when all of this really went down. It's been so hard for me to trust a woman after some earlier bad experiences, but I put it all into this one. It sucks because I want her back, but now don't even know if I could take her back. Oh heartbreak is horrible. It is shocking initially, you know reading the thread at the start reminded me of where I was, and it really is awful, no doubt in my mind about that. I am really sorry for the pain you are going through, but it will actually make you tougher. Just take it a day at a time. The one thing that I think helped me heal quicker was to absolutely cut all ties, I mean Facebook, phone, everything. You really do not want to know what is going on in their life. Seriously. Its all counter intuitive, but it really works. I know you want her back, Ive been there, Don't think about getting her back though, it will mess you up, let her go and do everything you can for yourself, you have to be selfish now, look after you. DO NOT answer her calls or texts, DO NOT call or text her. Sounds nuts, and it is nuts, and it ain't easy, but you will thank yourself later. When you get up tomorrow, be thankful for what you do have and look yourself in the mirror and say "I love you man" Sounds a bit silly, but try it, and do it every day. It will and does help. “Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense” Winston Churchill. Okay? Sup
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Thanks so much for the replies Sub. I need to vent to someone and get some feedback before I go bonkers. (too late?) Yah good lord this hurts. I am still stunned. I'm not a facebooker and have generally only let her contact me, and then I would reply. I'm dying to say something to her about this when/if she contacts me again. Jeeze man... I feel like I have to call her on it. I went through and got rid of all her old emails to me. OMG. Just reading them was breaking my heart! Every subject line was something like "miss you baby" "Love you baby" "Can't wait to see you" yada yada... And that was right up until the day she started acting all funny. Wow were they soooo wonderful.... I know I have to cut her off now, but I'm still confused. She has been with her husband for 15 yrs. She should date others I guess, but she should of had the decency to tell me about it. That's the part that's so hard to swallow. I think I'm losin it. I did make an appointment with a counselor today for tomorrow. Kinda feel weak about having to do that, but I'm all bent outta shape. Slept from 1 in the morning till 3 last night and maybe another hour of random sleep, but that isn't enough. I need something to help me calm my anxiety or something. I'm drowning man... I'm fuggin drowning, and I'm usually a swimmer. I'm so out of myself right now I'm embarrassed. Really appreciate your support Sup. If anyone else can shake me out of this mess, don't be shy! ARGH...
supersub Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Thanks so much for the replies Sub. I need to vent to someone and get some feedback before I go bonkers. (too late?) Yah good lord this hurts. I am still stunned. I'm not a facebooker and have generally only let her contact me, and then I would reply. I'm dying to say something to her about this when/if she contacts me again. Jeeze man... I feel like I have to call her on it. I went through and got rid of all her old emails to me. OMG. Just reading them was breaking my heart! Every subject line was something like "miss you baby" "Love you baby" "Can't wait to see you" yada yada... And that was right up until the day she started acting all funny. Wow were they soooo wonderful.... I know I have to cut her off now, but I'm still confused. She has been with her husband for 15 yrs. She should date others I guess, but she should of had the decency to tell me about it. That's the part that's so hard to swallow. I think I'm losin it. I did make an appointment with a counselor today for tomorrow. Kinda feel weak about having to do that, but I'm all bent outta shape. Slept from 1 in the morning till 3 last night and maybe another hour of random sleep, but that isn't enough. I need something to help me calm my anxiety or something. I'm drowning man... I'm fuggin drowning, and I'm usually a swimmer. I'm so out of myself right now I'm embarrassed. Really appreciate your support Sup. If anyone else can shake me out of this mess, don't be shy! ARGH... Anytime man, that's what I'm here for. You are a swimmer, and you are not drowning, just treading water in uncharted territory. Remember who you are... Cos its not the person you see in the mirror now is it? You are strong, and you will come back. Never forget that mate. Sup.
Dressagechick Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I'm so sorry Plains. That sucks. What you are feeling is totally normal. Truly. I know you're dying to say something to her, but I don't think it would serve much of a purpose, and it would (likely) serve to hurt you further. I'd guess that she'd respond either with silence or an "I'm sorry I hurt you," (or something of that nature), but it wouldn't change anything or move the ball down the field towards you feeling better. I think it would probably be healthier for her to properly grieve her divorce before dating anyone, which it doesn't sound like she's doing. I don't think anyone would make a good partner for someone else unless they have dealt with the end of another relationship properly. And, yes, she should have had the decency to tell you about it. Good for you for finding a counselor. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, though, and be gentle to yourself now. You should try not to feel embarrassed or beat yourself up - for ANYTHING. We are simply human, and we can only do the best we can with the tools we have at the time. Hang in there.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Thank you for your compassion Dressage. I would imagine this is a normal feeling, but I just never would have imagined it would end this way. Never... Jeeze, how do I NOT say anything? It is going to be sooo hard not to call her out on her BS. You know, I don't doubt that she thinks she was trying to let me down as gently as she could, or maybe she didn't really know her true feelings and was trying to keep me around as a safety net. Either way, I lose. I'm so baffled how she could of had such a sudden change of heart. I agree, of course, about her waiting to date until she gets her divorce finished, but then again, I thought it was perfectly fine when I was the one she was dating so I'm a little biased. Looking back on this now, I would imagine she's probably been dating this guy for 4 months now, since that's when she fed me my drivel. I'm still scared about the counselor thing. I just don't have much faith in them and have am skeptical. I'll tell you though, I need to figure something out. I didn't really get jack for sleep last night. Man did she haunt my dreams last night. I think she was in everyone. I really never dreamed about her prior to my discovery, but now with the tragedy of this discovery comes the mental horrors for me to try and sleep to. Sigh..... Good Times....
Dressagechick Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Hi Plains, While I'm a huge fan of NC, I'm equally a fan of saying what you want to say. I don't necessarily think these are mutually exclusive...to a point, anyway. If you feel you need to call her out, perhaps do so, but realize that there are people that do not (!) like to have a mirror held up in front of them, so-to-speak. And that's exactly what you'd be doing. I think people generally know what they've done, so you reminding her probably won't make much of a difference, although she may "blame the medium (you)," rather than placing responsibility where it belongs (her). Personally, I'd let her sit with her own knowledge of what she's done at this point. I understand about the counselor issue. If you can find a clinical psychologist, those are usually best. Also, if you don't, for whatever reason, feel absolutely like the one you see is helpful, then change. It's ok to shop around, you know?
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Well I made a counselor appointment this morning, and this is great. All the psychologists work at the hospital where my ex works. Great!! I can't even get proper help! The alternative they gave me is a licensed social worker. Are they any good or am I wasting my time?
cdt76 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I say call her out on it. Put it in her face so that she has to smell the stench. People like her ( and she did exactly what my ex did) need to realize there are feelings involved, people involved and she will one day be sh&t on just like she did to her ex and to you. I'd put it out there for her to see. Don't expect a response and even if she does, don't read it. It won't do any good.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 I say call her out on it. Put it in her face so that she has to smell the stench. People like her ( and she did exactly what my ex did) need to realize there are feelings involved, people involved and she will one day be sh&t on just like she did to her ex and to you. I'd put it out there for her to see. Don't expect a response and even if she does, don't read it. It won't do any good. I'm tempted to CDT, but now the more I think about it, the more sick to my stomach I get and I find it hard to find the strength. I really don't think she tried to be a malicious person, she just wanted to make it easier on herself. So I guess that would just make her selfish. I bet she would respond too. I'm sure it wouldn't be "alright I'm coming back" but probably something trivial. I don't know what I'd want from her anyway other than I've made a horrible mistake and I want you back. This situation is soooo messed up. Hard to imagine that she doesn't care, but I guess she must not. Or at least she doesn't care about me as much as she does the new guy... Obviously... I just want to barf and I'm worthless at work today...
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 (edited) So I just got back from my counselor. He said I should send her an email that says something like "Hey XXX, I understand you've found someone. Just wanted to say good luck and I hope you find the happiness you seek. HPD Holy... Can I muster up the courage to do something like that? Thoughts? Opinions? Boards to the forehead?? I'm going to need a little convincing over here... Edited July 14, 2010 by HighPlainsDrifter
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 (edited) Sorry for bumping my thread, but any thoughts on this? I'm trying to build the courage to send this today. This is what I have written, Hi XXXX, Just so you are aware, I've been told what really happened with you and I. I understand you found someone else and that's the real story. I wanted to wish you good luck and I hope you find the happiness you seek. Thanks Edited July 15, 2010 by HighPlainsDrifter
northstar1 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I wouldn't send that. You are wishing her happiness with the guy she left you for? Doesn't that seem wrong to you? Wish her nothing. Send her nothing. Honestly, you have nothing to gain from sending her anything. She is not going to likely care if you tell her you know the real story or not. She's proven to be selfish.
zerovandez Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I really feel your pain and know what you're going through as I'm still fighting similar pains. My ex and I were together for 10 years. She left for another man and moved in with him, etc. During this time with him, she's contacted me and expressed her true love for me. Being in a vulnerable state of mind, I responded telling her the same. So this goes on for a few months. She finally moves back to live with her mom and I haven't spoken to her since. So now I'm left in the dark, not knowing anything and find myself starting all over again. My advice? DO NOT CONTACT HER. Do not respond if she initiates any contact. It's only going to hurt you in the end. Before responding to my ex, I've read many similar threads which had the answers already for me but I didn't listen and now I'm paying the price. Take it easy on yourself, you deserve better!
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks for responding Northstar. Too late though. I sent it, and got a reply. Good Morning xxx, Not trying to start any trouble, but just so you are aware, I've been told what really happened with you and I... I understand you found someone else and that's the real reason you vanished. I wanted to say good luck and I hope you find the happiness you seek. HPD Response…. HPD, That's actually not the reason I vanished, no matter what XXX thinks. I'm still paranoid about relationships. And something happened in my marriage about 4 years ago that made me promise myself that I'd never let myself get hurt again. So the problem is..when I start to have feelings for someone, it scares me. It makes me wonder if the same thing is going to happen again. The real reason I "vanished" is because when XXX started to ask questions about where I was staying, I didn't want him to track anything back to you. So I stayed away from you. It didn't have anything to do with anyone else. I still don't want anything serious and I know you do. I think about getting married again and it's the last thing I want. But I know you want that. But at the same time, I feel like I'm a fool to walk away from you. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. You made me realize that there are actually good people in the world. You are one. No one will ever treat me the way you did. Maybe my feelings will change in a few years. I fear they won't. And someone like you deserves better than that.
Maverick1983 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks for responding Northstar. Too late though. I sent it, and got a reply. Good Morning xxx, Not trying to start any trouble, but just so you are aware, I've been told what really happened with you and I... I understand you found someone else and that's the real reason you vanished. I wanted to say good luck and I hope you find the happiness you seek. HPD Response…. HPD, That's actually not the reason I vanished, no matter what XXX thinks. I'm still paranoid about relationships. And something happened in my marriage about 4 years ago that made me promise myself that I'd never let myself get hurt again. So the problem is..when I start to have feelings for someone, it scares me. It makes me wonder if the same thing is going to happen again. The real reason I "vanished" is because when XXX started to ask questions about where I was staying, I didn't want him to track anything back to you. So I stayed away from you. It didn't have anything to do with anyone else. I still don't want anything serious and I know you do. I think about getting married again and it's the last thing I want. But I know you want that. But at the same time, I feel like I'm a fool to walk away from you. You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. You made me realize that there are actually good people in the world. You are one. No one will ever treat me the way you did. Maybe my feelings will change in a few years. I fear they won't. And someone like you deserves better than that. First of all hi.I wanted to post here to assure you that in no way whatsoever should you be embarrassed about counselling.It is braver to go then not go IMO.It really helped me figure out why I ran from my last relationship and eventhough I want her back and I made a mistake counselling helped me to appreciate myself more.I think what she replied to you was a bit unfair.The last thing we want to hear is how great we are in these situations because it doesn't give us the clarity we really want.From reading your post though it does seem like you deserve better.But my advice is to take care of yourself before you tackle this anymore.Best of luck.
Author HighPlainsDrifter Posted July 15, 2010 Author Posted July 15, 2010 Thanks for your response Maverick. Yeah, the reply is kind of hard to deal with too. It makes me just want to shake her and tell her she should realize what she's throwing away. I understand where she's at, and that she probably wasn't emotionally available. That was my mistake. I can't help but think that we could have worked this out, but I guess it takes two. I haven't responded, and I don't think there's anything left to say. I wish I could make her realize how special this was, but it's the wrong time, wrong place I guess? I went to the counselor again and I'm now officially on drugs... Great... Lexipro and Kolonopin so I can sleep at night. Not feeling really good about this. Anyone have any experience with any of these? Thanks everyone...
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