Maria4v Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 This is my very first post. I am at my wits end and just looking for some non objective points of view and or advice. My husband and I dated for 4 years before getting married. He than joined the USCG, in order to support me. I am type one diabetic and in need of medical insurance. He has been in the USCG for the past 6 years and loves it. I love that he is in the military, that he loves his job, and that can support his family. It's the perfect life. I will admitt he is away 6 months out of the year every year for the past 6 years, but I am ok with that. Well let me flash forward. In the CG, he is also a sailer, and what do sailers do with there spare time....DRINK! To present time, my husband just got discharged from the military 3 days ago. He has had a binge drinking problem since before I met him. I have told him for YEARS that he needs to get help, but he would not admit he had a problem. I am in total shock. We lost EVERYTHING!!! Our income, health insurance, life insurance, retirement plan, EVERYTHING is gone!! Let me also tell you we just had a baby 6 months ago. This is not the first time he has hurt his family because of his drinking. We went from middle class to bottom of the barrel in one day because of him. People are telling me a I need to be supportive because he is suffering. WTF? I think enough is enough and I am done and want a divorce. I will admitt he is a good man with a good heart, but he can't support his family and he has hurt us enough. Am I being a bitch?
lovelylove Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I'm so sorry! My ex-husband was an alcoholic and there is NO WAY to change them... they will put the drink before everyone and everything in their lives. Please know it's not your fault, alanon is for families of alcoholics and teaches you how to stop enabling, stop the codependent relationship style that has gotten you here, and how to get your life back and provides the kind of support you need. I'm so sorry, again, there are no words... so sad... hang in there!!!
BohemianLikeYou Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Personally, I don't think you're being a bitch. Not. At. All. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially with such a young baby. I agree with what LovelyLove said above. The reason this hurts so bad is BECAUSE you love this person so much, but the problem is usually those in the throes of addiction or severe depressions can't benefit nor recognize this love, let alone know how to value it. There's something going on with your husband that's a very deep and personal problem or void that no one can help heal but himself. He's drowning something, he's in denial, it's something so painful or intimidating he wants to escape rather than face it. I understand the desire to want to help him with this, you wouldn't be human and you wouldn't be the loving wife you are if you didn't feel it, but you can only do so much. YOU matter too, and your child matters. You're not a failure and you're not being a bitch for feeling hurt and angry and everything in between. It shows how much you care that you've even written this post. You're with someone who cannot value that right now, he can't treat you right and he can't be an equal partner. At this point, you might have been spending so much time thinking and tending to him that you're not valuing yourself enough and only see your worth in terms of how much you can help him or do for him and your marriage (just guessing). It's no wonder everything feels agonizing and uneven. I would say if you haven't staged an intervention yet and you've got the means and support of other family/friends to do so, then maybe try that. I know not everyone can because treatment is expensive (or if it's free, there are massive waiting lists sometimes that don't always jive). If an intervention isn't possible, I would just say start thinking more about your own well being and that of your baby right now. Sometimes separations make a difference. I've personally seen it before. Everything blows apart and comes to a head, then the addicted partner realizes there are things to lose and finally makes a real try at change. Sometimes it just plunges them into more depression, I won't lie, but if that happens just know IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Just take it one day at a time. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope you can find a way to find some peace of mind up ahead.
BohemianLikeYou Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 He's your husband and you made vows to love and support him through good times and bad, in sickness and in health. It sounds to me like you are forgetting those vows, and only want him when he doesn't need your help. How about you get off your high horse and help him in his time of need instead of abandoning him? If you divorce him now without at least trying to help him, you are evil, plain and simple, for taking advantage of him all those years. Did you even read her post with any thought before you replied? She's been dealing with this for YEARS, not days or weeks. What about his vows? Yes, he has a problem but he's systematically destroying the people around him, including his family. What vow says a spouse has to stay around and be destroyed too? Calling her evil is just uncalled for and offensive. Personally, I find your post rather sickening.
alphamale Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Am I being a bitch? no, i think you should start divorce proceedings
Tayla Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Did you even read her post with any thought before you replied? She's been dealing with this for YEARS, not days or weeks. What about his vows? Yes, he has a problem but he's systematically destroying the people around him, including his family. What vow says a spouse has to stay around and be destroyed too? Calling her evil is just uncalled for and offensive. Personally, I find your post rather sickening. I read her post on three different forum threads, and I can say without a doubt that Someotherguy makes a valid point if you read it correctly and understand what the essense of the message is. "Abandon ship when a person is ill and is in need of support......" I totally get that message. It has a ring of truth...( not the evil part though...) Btw, his disease is destroying him..his thoughts and his spirit....the ripple affect is seeping thru the family as this poster is sharing....He is in there needing to be healed but she really is at a loss if he is in denial. TO the Poster though , she has endured enough and she has met her threshold of tolerance , she is an adult and can certainly make a choice that is protective of her child. That much I can see is important to her.
LoveLace Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Your are not being a bitch... Not on purpose, but you have partially been an "enabler" for his addiction, simply because he's always known you will be there for him...even though you've vocalized his problem, you are an instant enabler by being a dependent companion. Unfortunately, some have to hit rock bottom before wanting to help themselves, and I'd say rock bottom would be losing you, for him. But even that doesn't guarantee that he will clean up for life. Your wanting to divorce is totally understandable and probably what's best for you and the child at this time. And I can take any addict in the world and say they are a "good guy"...because addiction is a disease, not a judgement of a person. But it IS a judgement of weather or not they are reliable and responsible. And no one wants to be stuck with someone who isn't capable of being that. You don't have to stay married to him if you don't want to, of course...but if he does finally get help, I would suggest being supportive and encouraging despite of your relationship. Only because if he senses hostility, he's likely to be less motivated to change. You are not to blame however, for the fact that he is not fit to be a father or good husband right now, and he needs to be put in a place to make him realize what he's doing to himself and to others. Divorcing him might not even do the whole job, but it should certainly open his eyes to an extent...hopefully... good luck.
Recommended Posts