spriggig Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Spriggig you have a way with words. You expressed what I felt in a much more constructive way. Thank you.
stillafool Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I have to agree with the others. Something is fishy here. He should be more concerned about how he going to support his growing family rather than abandoning them. What does he expect you to do with 2 small children? How selfish to put his wants above his kids. Something is definitely wrong here.
redfeather Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 I think you are giving good advise, and I do not believe it is healthy to become a PI, or snoop. I believe seeking a family couples counselor is sound advise. Thanks in advance.
wolvie111 Posted July 15, 2010 Posted July 15, 2010 Sounds like my first marriage as well. She told me the same exact thing you were saying and she was having an affair (emotional, later turned sexual). I posted on this several months back how this happened to me, gave her a second chance and she dicked me over. Move on, you will feel like a giant monkey was just removed off your shoulders. It sounds hard to do, and it is. But, its not worth it, cheaters are just that.... cheaters, they never change their ways.
Author piscesmommy25 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Wow... the first replies were right on the money. After seeing so many people say that he was having an affair, I decided to do a little investigating. I looked on our cell phone bill online and saw that he was spending a lot of time texting and talking to a number I didn't recognize. I called him immediately and asked him was something going on and he denied it. But the way he denied it let me know that it was. He got angry and pissed, and then he hung up in my face. I called him back, crying of course, to ask him why he was treating me so bad if he wasn't guilty. He was still angry and said he didn't have time to talk. Later on that evening he confessed that he had slept with another woman four times. And even though he says it's over with her, he still didn't want to try to make our marriage work. He wants to be alone to work on himself. He had all the financial responsibilites planned out, and he promised to take care of and spend time with our kids. So our son and I moved out that night. We've been staying at my mothers house, and it looks like we will be there until January. My husband's family thinks he's completely lost his mind to desert his family and they are pissed at him. Me however.... I'm so lost and confused. Idk if he's still in contact with the other woman, he would only give me her name and where she worked. Our cell phone records proved the last time he spoke to her was the day after he told me, but who's to say that she's not calling him on his work phone now?? Idk if I should file for divorce immediately, since Texas doesn't recognize legal separation. Idk if my hubby will ever wake up and come back. I still love him, even though I'm angry, and what makes this so confusing is that I'm having this baby without him. So now I'm wondering, is this "needing to work on himself" a cop out, so that he can be with the other woman? Any advice?
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 You need to move back into your home. He wants out of the M, he should be the one that leaves.
Author piscesmommy25 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 You need to move back into your home. He wants out of the M, he should be the one that leaves. He can have the house. It was his to begin with, and I always told myself I would never live there without him. Besides, the house started to feel lonely and depressing once we started having problems. Believe me, I feel much better staying with my parents and starting over.
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Of course you still love him. It isn't possible to be otherwise. You've been blindsided. You are now in a state of shock. Do you really need to ask if he is still seeing the OW? He is claiming it is over and done with because, she is M too and is protecting her, or, he will save face and let her come out to play when he has tied up the loose ends with you. He is being incredibly selfish and a coward. All the begging and pleading for him to see sense will be a waste of your time and energy, at this point. Move back into your home. Agree to getting the D ball rolling. Encourage him to find somewhere else to live and if he doesn't leave, insist he sleeps on the couch. Do not be emotionally available to him. He needs to suffer consequences. When he realizes what he will lose, he might then re-think everything.
Author piscesmommy25 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Of course you still love him. It isn't possible to be otherwise. You've been blindsided. You are now in a state of shock. Do you really need to ask if he is still seeing the OW? He is claiming it is over and done with because, she is M too and is protecting her, or, he will save face and let her come out to play when he has tied up the loose ends with you. He is being incredibly selfish and a coward. All the begging and pleading for him to see sense will be a waste of your time and energy, at this point. Move back into your home. Agree to getting the D ball rolling. Encourage him to find somewhere else to live and if he doesn't leave, insist he sleeps on the couch. Do not be emotionally available to him. He needs to suffer consequences. When he realizes what he will lose, he might then re-think everything. Thanks for breaking it down like that. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out WHY he doesn't want to try to make our family work. Instead I need to stop showing my emotions so often (the first two nights I called him at 3:00 in the morning crying and begging, I'm not gonna lie). I think right now I will just try not to stress anymore during the rest of my pregnancy (I've already lost 2 pounds due to the stress and not eating), and I will try more and more each day not to talk to him, unless it's about the kids. I COMPLETELY agree that he is being a selfish, stupid and disgusting coward. He's acting like a total stranger, and NOT the man I love and married. And despite all that I do still hope that he will wake up, see what he's losing, and then come back. But since he's so stubborn, I doubt he will.
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Thanks for breaking it down like that. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out WHY he doesn't want to try to make our family work. Instead I need to stop showing my emotions so often (the first two nights I called him at 3:00 in the morning crying and begging, I'm not gonna lie). I think right now I will just try not to stress anymore during the rest of my pregnancy (I've already lost 2 pounds due to the stress and not eating), and I will try more and more each day not to talk to him, unless it's about the kids. I COMPLETELY agree that he is being a selfish, stupid and disgusting coward. He's acting like a total stranger, and NOT the man I love and married. And despite all that I do still hope that he will wake up, see what he's losing, and then come back. But since he's so stubborn, I doubt he will. Move back into your home and implement the 180. Here it is. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
Author piscesmommy25 Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Where did you get this information? Did u try it and it worked? I'm ok with doing everything BUT moving back in the house with him. I'm already getting comfortable living back with my parents and my siblings help out a lot with my son. I'm able to get the rest that I've been lacking living with the hubby and son. Will the 180 plan still work if I'm not back in that house??
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