I really have to get something off my chest, because honestly this is wearing me down

[ALombard]

So this won't be like most of my posts. This contains no advice, no words or wisdom, nor does it contain anything to cheer anyone up or help them. This is a post for me to be honest to all you, my LS family. You people have helped me so much and have stuck by me for so long (and I don't even personally know any of you). This is the confession of a broken man. Now before you read the rest of this, understand one thing, I am not looking for any sympathy, compassion, or advice. If you would like to throw out any words of wisdom go for it, I wont hold you back. So here it goes.

 

For the last two months I have come onto this site to help others with their issues. I have adorned the facade of a man comfortable in his situation. A man who is happy content with his life. This my friends is so far from the truth. I am miserable. Completely miserable. I can't remember the last time I didn't have to fake a smile, I don't remember the last time I didn't force myself out of bed. I have gone through the last 3 months just making my paces. I have done everything this site has told me to do. I went NC, I worked out a lot (did P90X and now I am cut to shreds). I focused on my work and got promoted. I went out and met a great, beautiful girl. To be honest I feel like a complete douche bag because there are people on this site who have nothing and here I am, with everything a man could want and yet I am still not happy.

 

To explain it a little better, I am happy with myself. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would finally have my life together. I was a huge f*ck up for so long that looking at myself now it shocks me. However, I don't have the one person I WISH I could share my new life with. I know a lot of you are probably going, "f*ck you man you have a girlfriend!" Yeah I am aware of that. The sad thing is she is perfect in so many ways, beautiful (she's a model for LOST clothing), smart (is almost done with getting her bachelors), committed, honest, great it bed, and has her life together. Yet, I cannot stop thinking of my ex. I don't know why either. I can spend days with my girlfriend and still wake up wanting to be with my ex. I won't lie, I do love my girlfriend but it just feels like that connection isn't there. I would love to give my relationship time but I am not a selfish person. I do not want to hurt this girl, and I feel that staying with her when I am still forcing myself out of bed due to thoughts of my ex, is not the right thing to do.

 

Now before you jump the gun and judge me, understand one thing. I never asked to be this way. I have always been told I am emotionally unavailable which I somewhat blame on my upbringing. I was raised by my father who, when he was my age and younger, was a complete man whore. He told me constantly that I should never give my heart to anyone woman and that it wasn't worth it. When it came to relationships my dad's only advice was, "stick your dick in ass much pussy as possible." That's it. And honestly I am still not super open. It seems like the only way I can be honest with someone close to me is if I have a breakdown and I just go off.

 

I really am sorry, to all of you. I feel like a hypocrite. Giving advice to people who are hurting and trying to figure their lives out when I haven't even done the same. To those of you have followed my story, I hope you can just understand that I am just wrote this to be honest. To those of you who haven't followed my story I hope you realize that the "moving on" aspect of life is really based on you. Honestly, I have an uncanny ability to move on from anything; death, friends leaving, being fired, etc. But I cannot for some reason get "unstuck" from my ex.

[lunita]

First of all, kudos to you for being open and honest.

 

Second....I am giving you a (((HUG)))) cuz I think you need it.

 

And third, when did you and your ex break up? I'm not familiar with your story...

[AlwaysConflicted]

I enjoyed your honesty. I've also followed your posts and read your words of wisdom.

 

I don't think you're a hypocrite. The people that have truly moved on don't use these forums. Sure, some people are nice and want to help others, but the majority are lying to themselves and use this website as group therapy.

 

All of your posts make perfect sense and provide a great deal of logic. Life is difficult and emotions make it one hell of a bumpy ride.

 

Your dad has an interesting philosophy that prevents himself from getting hurt. It works, but he misses out on a certain area of life. Love can be pretty great if it's mutual.

 

You should be honest with your current girlfriend. It's the right thing to do.

 

Again, you're only human, no one can fault you for that.

[lunita]

The people that have truly moved on don't use these forums. Sure, some people are nice and want to help others, but the majority are lying to themselves and use this website as group therapy.

 

Amen. I know I'm here for support!!! If I didn't need it, I probably wouldn't be here.

[ALombard]

You guys are awesome. Really I mean it. Like I said, I'm not here for sympathy but like you both said, in a sense, people on here need to let go of their pride. Pride is helpful but I will say one thing. I am/was the most prideful person ever and it really doesn't get you anywhere. Now I will say don't tell your ex things but honestly, here, you are among peers. Let it out. Who here can judge you, who are we to judge?

 

Let go of the pride and you'd be amazed how good-ish you feel.

 

Great song by the way.....Rocket to the moon- like we used to

[supersub]

Hey man..

 

Fake it til you make it....

 

Sup.

[supersub]

I think the other thing is mate, that you are doing the very best that you can under the circumstances. You know?

 

You have bettered many areas of your life, like your promotion, so try to practice some thanks for that. I know its corny, but stop and and think about the things that you have been able to improve, and on top of that be proud of yourself!

 

I have days just like this, we all do, and like you I have made improvements. I bought a property, I dropped twenty pounds, and Ive given advice that I should also have followed, but didn't. Had confidence one day only to have it shattered the next.

 

This is why other people are so important. We can advise ourselves to a point, but sometimes we cannot see the wood through the trees, so we need a second set of eyes, or ears, and people like you to give us advice and vice versa.

 

Sometimes we just cannot follow our own advice. We need a kick up the arse occasionally. Know what I mean?

 

Respect to you man for this post, you shouldn't feel remorse, I think your feelings are normal.

 

All the best,

 

Sup.

[mickleb]

I have to commend you on your honesty, AL.

 

It appears you are willing to sacrifice your pride and ego to increase your self-esteem. Good trade.

 

You simply have not taken enough time to heal from your break-up before entering into a new relationship. Despite the water that has passed under the bridge, your ex meant a great deal to you. You need to respect yourself enough to acknowledge and deal with that. It sounds as though you're really ready to.

 

Obviously, you need to be honest with the new girl, also. She will appreciate you for it, although it may sting.

 

Work at being comfortable on your own. Not in the way your dad suggested. Really content to live your life without screwing others, both literally and figuratively.

 

Your dad's advice was not very wise, I'm afraid. You have done well to become such a sensitive individual despite it. Such advice could require many to unpick the lessons they learned from their parents in counselling. It may be right for you to give this a go. Have a think about it.

 

But first, congratulate yourself for doing the kindest thing you could have done to help youself. Your honesty is the biggest step in the right direction you could take and you are now firmly on your way to true fulfillment. Please continue to share your thoughts. They are inspirational.

 

x

[TheLoneSock]

Props to you for being real, not just with people here but with yourself as well. Don't worry about it dude. After all, that advice had to come from somewhere right? Would you be able to help others out of hell if you had never been there, or are not there currently yourself? Nope.

 

As for your situation, my advice to you is stay strong - simple as that. You know you have a great thing going, so just be patient with yourself. I've found that the one thing that is even more painful than the loss you're experiencing right now, is regret. If you end it with this girl, you will gain nothing, and you will regret it later on for having lost something else that is great. Stay smart about it, don't do anything rash, and stay strong.

[GrayClouds]

I posted this earlier on another thread but it may be more appropriate here;

Anyone here who post advice is on some level is a hypocrite. Likely I am on the top of the list at times. But that is part of the benefit of offering advice, by directing others the best way forward, we challenge ourselves to work harder to do the same. In other words, when we post to others, we talk to ourselves

And it obvious you have been talking to yourself, not only talking, but listening. Your break-up not only gave you pain, but it also gave you insight. And the thing that sucks with insight, once you got it there is no going back. Ignoring it leads to self hatred usually masked with bad behavior (sex, drugs and rock and roll) while dealing with it is scary as hell, with a lot of hard work with no guarantees.

 

Lucky you, those are your choices

 

ALombard;

I am not looking for any sympathy, compassion, or advice.

So I guess you are F#CKed (hows that for not giving you sympathy, compassion, or advice)

 

So you have gain the insight that you are emotional unavailable and only open up in destructive ways. You see where you learn this behavior via your upbringing and been perfecting it ever since. You find yourself hung up on a EX, or more accurately a simpler time before you gained this wisdom; you long for that place when you were comfortably lacking insight.

.

So now you sit, knowing you can not go backwards but yet going forward is overwhelming. And even though you have this ideal women next to you, there is something nagging you. Damn insight stop your nagging.

You are now stuck having to answer "what are you going to do with this insight" question.

 

Are you going to find ways to ignore it or try to find away to address it and learn healthier pattern of behaviors?

 

Before you answer let me make one observation. The honest, emotional vulnerability, and desire to be a better man in this post is at a level that only few before have reached. It may be a skill you are struggling with but it shows you do not lack the ability, and in fact, have amazing capacity for.

 

Finally, just in case it is lost on you, you took the chance of opening your self up and as a result in everyone's responses you have been rewarded for it, externally and internally. It offers you a bit of what is possible if you choose to work at it.

 

 

 

 

 

PS. It may go without saying but I have to say it anyway, your old man may have meant well but he was wrong and it was not fair to do that to a child. (and that is not offering sympathy or compassion just stating a fact)

 

 

.

 

.

Edited July 13, 2010 by GrayClouds

[ALombard]

Greyclouds,

 

When I said I wasn't looking for sympathy, compassion, or advice I didn't mean it quite as literally as you took it. What I was trying to get at is, I did not write the post looking to start a pity party for myself.

[GrayClouds]

Greyclouds,

 

When I said I wasn't looking for sympathy, compassion, or advice I didn't mean it quite as literally as you took it. What I was trying to get at is, I did not write the post looking to start a pity party for myself.

 

Alombard my reference to that line was in jest (along a few others), and sorry it did not come across that way, my intent was not to suggest anything but a sincere adoration to the courage of your post. I hope my intent is not obfuscated by some unsuccessful gallows humor.

 

I mean to support and encourage your obvious progress.

[lullaby]

I really appreciate your honesty Alombard and don't trouble yourself. We've all been there. Sometimes we don't follow our own advice and need someone else to chip in and share some insight regarding out situations.

 

No one here owns the truth, we wouldn't be here if such was the case.

It's a sort of therapy and sometimes when you read someone telling you something completely different to what you thought, that comment my trigger a doubt in you, make you furious, cry, whatever, but it sometimes helps to see others' opinions so you can discover what is your own. In adversity and contrast you may find clearer thoughts.

 

I do agree that you should be honest with your girlfriend. There is no set date to start a new relationship, but one thing I've realized these past few days is that one needs to heal completely to give your all to someone else because it's not fair, unless you're just after sex but I don't think that's the case given what you said about your dad's advice and how you manage in life.

 

Feelings are tough to handle so you're doing your best and what's best than being honest to yourself? So good for you!