spots94 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I have been separated from my husband for about 2 weeks. He wanted me to leave currently I am at my moms house with kids and he is at our house, he does see the kids often. Most of the reason for us separating is over money problems and its my fault I have spent money without his knowledge put money on our credit cards without is knowledge and repeatedly he called me out on it over the last 2 years but I never thought I had a problem and was in denial. It took him to tell me to leave for me to realize hey I need to change myself, I don't like who I have become a dishonest, selfish person. So I have started therapy a very intensive therapy and also started seeing a psychologist. I am really learning a lot about myself and I am very positive in changing myself for the better no matter if I end up with him or not. I know I have to do these changes for me. I know he also can't believe I can change because of my past history and the trust is gone. He told me at this point he sees it ending in divorce and so do I if we don't change ourselves. He says he doesn't think it will ever be the way it was. I know he is still very angry with me. We have been together for 11 years. He told me if we get a divorce he is in no hurry. He agreed with me that we would not date anyone and that we will continue to work on ourselves and in 3 months or so see if it should end in divorce or not. I am giving him his space and talking to him when it only involves the kids but its so hard especially when I see him and there is no emotion from him. Is is best to have as little contact as possible with him to let him have his time to ponder things? I just am scared that I am loosing him and I love him and my family so much! Any suggestions would be helpful just wanted to share my story with everyone.
HopelessinDTW Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Your situation is different than most on this forum in that your problem is with money, rather than infidelity. But the root of both problems is TRUST. I am begining to believe trust is more important than love in a relationship. The fact that your husband is giving you a second chance...and I am assuming he's being genuine...is a good sign. I never got the second chance! like most things, it will take time for him to build that trust back in you. You need to...by your actions...show to him that you can be responsible with money. It's good that you are going to counceling, take all the advice and ACT on it. but you need to do it for yourself FIRST, and hope that slowly you can get back your marriage. Not knowing more details, I guess one thing you can do is really cut back on spending. Start paying off debts...if you have them. In time, you can share with your husband the progress you're making, and he will see that you are changing for the better. good luck, and hang in there!
gobbleguts Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Spots94, you and I are in almost the exact same spot. Read my posts/threads and see if you agree. I'm sure you will. Actually your post gave me goosebumps.
Author spots94 Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I read you threads and yes your situation is just like mine except I am a women. How long have you been separated if you don't mind asking? I still love my husband so much I'm not sure if anything I do will make it work out. I know I have betrayed his trust and doing everything to better myself and I will also pay back the debt I racked up as soon as I get my money in order. I know I have to do these changes for myself and only I can make myself change, my husband told me several times to stop I just diidn't think there was a problem. I just hope he notices these changes in me. He got upset at me today because I wanted our king bed I am moving into my dads in a few weeks and he said why would you need such a big bed and I told him I don't it will be just for me I just wanted the bed. I am not sure what he thought I was gonna do. I told him I didn't want to date anyone while we were working on ourselves and he said he would do the same. I let him have the bed I don't want to fight with him. I just try to think positive and my mom says she has even noticed the changes in me for the better thats who I am living with currently, but there isn't a lot of room for my kids and I so we are moving to my dads where we all can have our own rooms. Never thought I would have to move back home.
gobbleguts Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I've been separated for ten weeks now. I realized that there is nothing I can do except work on me and take care of my kids. (1 from this marriage 2 from a previous marriage). I haven't really begged or pleaded with her b/c she's still really pissed and it's not my style to try and convince someone of something like that. I've been in therapy since before we split, I felt myself going of the deep end and needed to put the brakes on asap. We occasionally talk, usually about the baby (10 months old). Whenever I try and talk about us needing to talk I get the "I'm not gonna change the way I feel" stuff and I let it go. I can tell you that you'll be better off if you give him space and let him be angry until he can't be angry anymore. Take care of yourself and your kids and try not to involve your parents too much. He'll either come back around or he won't. If you chase him he def. won't. Marriage counseling too, if he wants to go. (don't be pushy here either) He'll wonder why you seem different. That'll be your therapy talking, then invite him to go. Just sayin'
Author spots94 Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I have learned to back off in these 2 weeks so we only talk about the kids when needed, I have to see him often because I watch the kids while he is at work, but I don't say anything I just say by to my son, I actually gave him some money today when he picked up my son, it wasn't alot but it was a start he seemed happy that I did. I will just try to continue to work on myself and I am feeling better everyday. I know when I don't bother him and give him his space he acts differently towards me. I meantioned marriage counseling at the beginning he said maybe down the road in a couple of months if we decide to stick it out. Thanks for all the advice I really appreciated it, take care of you and your baby and hope things will come around for you.
gobbleguts Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Things will come around for me. It's all in the definition of the word around. Lol. By the way, get your hands on a copy of Divorce Busting. Great book.
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