Dexter Morgan Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 And I don't want to throw things in his face. It's really not like that anymore good, because although he'd deserve it, you really don't have the high ground to do so now that you have cheated too. so if you are going to go on without telling him, then all cheating discussions should never come up again.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 ah i missed that you never went through with it. so good for that, but it still was an emotional betrayal, however not anything of the level that your husband did. still he will be making all the effort not knowing what you were about to do as well. tell him? maybe not. even though you wanted to, just didn't because of guilt, you ended up doing the right thing. although if I was a cheating d!ck, and hurt someone and they told me they were talking to someone online for 5 days and ended it because of guilt, I might be a little hurt, but I sure as hell would have no basis to complain.
2long Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I continue to say that I'm not telling him but a few on here are not hearing me. Oh I hear you fine. Problem is that you want 2 be told what you want 2 be told, you don't want 2 hear what you NEED 2 be told. That's fine, though. It's your life. I will take the advice of those who are listening to my heart here. It's not all black and white. I will protect my children at any ultimate cost at this point - I know what would happen if I told of this. You're "listening 2 your heart" is why this is not black and white. If you listened 2 reason, it would be. Feelings change. Long term, what do you want your legacy 2 be? One of a person of high integrity and morals? A good example 2 your kids when they start relationships of their own? Or do you want 2 be remembered as a "white liar?" I'm unconcerned if you personally judge me or don't agree. I'm not asking for that - I got some kind words from some other posters - I'll go with that. The most logical ones that protect my family. Anyway, I'll stop writing b/c I'm getting nowhere. There's a difference between "nice" and "kind." I submit 2 you that you're selecting the "nice" advice, the advice 2 follow your heart and rationalize that it's okay 2 do what you want, and that what your H doesn't know about what you did won't hurt him. I and a few others suggesting that you get back on the moral high ground are trying 2 be kind, knowing that following our advice 2 confess will put you in a vulnerable position. But it will give you and your H all the rights 2 choose your own fu2res that you are entitled 2 in a committed relationship. In this si2ation, I really believe that the benefits you'll receive from being truthful and honest with your H will outweigh the near-term pain of telling him what you did. -ol' 2long
Author Betrayed-Betrayer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 B-B, I hope you will keep posting here if you find it at all helpful! Ignore the posts that you don't find helpful...it takes awhile to get a thick skin! I read your thread and while I didn't have anything to contribute, the honesty of your posts really touched me. I understand the urge to get some revenge after you have been hurt so horribly. I entertained thoughts for months of finding a way to hurt my husband the same way he hurt me after I found out about his A. What struck me from your posts was that your H had the attitude of so many wandering spouses (WS) that you should "just get over it already." I don't think any WS knows how badly it hurts unless it happens to them. Even my husband, who was pretty much as remorseful and compassionate to my pain as he could possibly be, doesn't understand how much I hurt. I wanted to have a revenge affair just so my husband could feel first-hand how much it hurt to have your spouse cheat on you. I thought at that time it was the only way I could get him to really feel what I was going through. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm glad you are reconnecting with your H...I can't tell advise whether or not you should tell him because I sit on the fence about that myself. I liked Spark's suggestion about telling your H with the help of a clergy member, since you seem to be a person of faith. Good luck to you. Thank you - I just read one of your posts about EA vs PA - my husband's was both. He was 'in love' and they exchanged "I love you's" after only 14 days - he was so immature, like a teenager...just desperately needed someone to build him up. He's always needed that. Now he knows that that's a huge deficiency in him (abandonment issues) and he's more aware. I appreciate your sensitivity!
Author Betrayed-Betrayer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 ah i missed that you never went through with it. so good for that, but it still was an emotional betrayal, however not anything of the level that your husband did. still he will be making all the effort not knowing what you were about to do as well. tell him? maybe not. even though you wanted to, just didn't because of guilt, you ended up doing the right thing. although if I was a cheating d!ck, and hurt someone and they told me they were talking to someone online for 5 days and ended it because of guilt, I might be a little hurt, but I sure as hell would have no basis to complain. The difference w/ my husband is that he practically makes what he did the same as what I did and confessed to over the last few years: i.e. I had MINOR feelings for a mutual friend...I realized it and within seconds stopped talking to this person forever after. I mean - it was a FLEETING THOUGHT and so I confessed it to my husband after I found out about his EA/PA and he STILL compares THAT to what he did. I mean, MY GOSH. That's why I KNOW he will never, ever get over that - he would see it as exactly the same and he IS the type that says horrible things in front of our kids (our counselor just reemed him out for that) to make me look bad while I have NEVER sold him out - I don't want our kids to think badly of him. It makes me crazy but we are very much on the road to recovery - not perfection...just recovery.
Snowflower Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Thank you - I just read one of your posts about EA vs PA - my husband's was both. He was 'in love' and they exchanged "I love you's" after only 14 days - he was so immature, like a teenager...just desperately needed someone to build him up. He's always needed that. Now he knows that that's a huge deficiency in him (abandonment issues) and he's more aware. I appreciate your sensitivity! Thanks! If the EA vs PA posts you read are the ones I'm thinking of, that was my very first thread...about 4 months past d-day. As you can see, I received harsh posts, too. After awhile, you learn to ignore the ones which are unhelpful. I can relate to much of what you write. Its good to hear that your H is more self-aware now. Maybe something good will come of this painful experience. My H had similar voids within him--I was somewhat aware-he was not so aware- of these deficiencies before he had his affair, but I never thought they would manifest themselves the way they did. You're too new of a member to get PM (private messages) or else I would contact you off the public forums. Some of what I would tell you is just too personal to put out here. But, I hope you will stick around and continue to post. Many will advise to you divorce your H and that there is no way a marriage can "beat" infidelity, but there are many examples of those of us who have gone on to have very good marriages. I found this place to be a sanity-saver because I had no one to talk to about what had happened. If you don't wish to answer the posts about whether or not you should tell your H, then ignore those posts. It's your thread so you can try to focus it on the topics you want to post about. Of course, you can't stop people from posting their views, but many will still try to help you with those things you wish to discuss. It sounds like the marriage encounter workshop you attended with your H really worked. I hope the momentum continues for the two of you.
Author Betrayed-Betrayer Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Thanks! If the EA vs PA posts you read are the ones I'm thinking of, that was my very first thread...about 4 months past d-day. As you can see, I received harsh posts, too. After awhile, you learn to ignore the ones which are unhelpful. I can relate to much of what you write. Its good to hear that your H is more self-aware now. Maybe something good will come of this painful experience. My H had similar voids within him--I was somewhat aware-he was not so aware- of these deficiencies before he had his affair, but I never thought they would manifest themselves the way they did. You're too new of a member to get PM (private messages) or else I would contact you off the public forums. Some of what I would tell you is just too personal to put out here. But, I hope you will stick around and continue to post. Many will advise to you divorce your H and that there is no way a marriage can "beat" infidelity, but there are many examples of those of us who have gone on to have very good marriages. I found this place to be a sanity-saver because I had no one to talk to about what had happened. If you don't wish to answer the posts about whether or not you should tell your H, then ignore those posts. It's your thread so you can try to focus it on the topics you want to post about. Of course, you can't stop people from posting their views, but many will still try to help you with those things you wish to discuss. It sounds like the marriage encounter workshop you attended with your H really worked. I hope the momentum continues for the two of you. Thank you! :) I would love to chat more when I can get private messages. I've also got an 'adultery email address' lol that I use. It's so sad, lol.
Snowflower Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 (edited) The difference w/ my husband is that he practically makes what he did the same as what I did and confessed to over the last few years: i.e. I had MINOR feelings for a mutual friend...I realized it and within seconds stopped talking to this person forever after. I mean - it was a FLEETING THOUGHT and so I confessed it to my husband after I found out about his EA/PA and he STILL compares THAT to what he did. I mean, MY GOSH. That's why I KNOW he will never, ever get over that - he would see it as exactly the same and he IS the type that says horrible things in front of our kids (our counselor just reemed him out for that) to make me look bad while I have NEVER sold him out - I don't want our kids to think badly of him. It makes me crazy but we are very much on the road to recovery - not perfection...just recovery. It makes sense why you wouldn't want to tell him now. You did the 'right thing' before and it is still thrown in your face. Yes, your husband overreacts to your admission a few years ago. It sounds to me like your H is very insecure. And I don't mean that in a cruel way. People with abandonment issues are often very insecure, especially deep down. On the surface, they might appear well-adjusted but abandonment strikes at the core of the soul (I'm guessing this happened when he was a child). Did you say the two of you were in counseling? Edited July 14, 2010 by Snowflower
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 The difference w/ my husband is that he practically makes what he did the same as what I did and confessed to over the last few years: i.e. I had MINOR feelings for a mutual friend...I realized it and within seconds stopped talking to this person forever after. I mean - it was a FLEETING THOUGHT and so I confessed it to my husband after I found out about his EA/PA and he STILL compares THAT to what he did. I mean, MY GOSH. That's why I KNOW he will never, ever get over that - he would see it as exactly the same and he IS the type that says horrible things in front of our kids (our counselor just reemed him out for that) to make me look bad while I have NEVER sold him out - I don't want our kids to think badly of him. It makes me crazy but we are very much on the road to recovery - not perfection...just recovery. Though a different level in our human eyes, in the eyes of God it is the same. Most of us have the sin in our hearts of lusting after someone else. And in our eyes(mine included)it isn't the same,but you talk about God's forgiveness and your peace. It this is true for you( I don't know and it isn't up to me either) you can't hold on to sin & be as close to God as you want to be...just read your bible and see what it says.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 The difference w/ my husband is that he practically makes what he did the same as what I did and confessed to over the last few years: i.e. I had MINOR feelings for a mutual friend...I realized it and within seconds stopped talking to this person forever after. I mean - it was a FLEETING THOUGHT and so I confessed it to my husband after I found out about his EA/PA and he STILL compares THAT to what he did. I mean, MY GOSH. That's why I KNOW he will never, ever get over that - he would see it as exactly the same and he IS the type that says horrible things in front of our kids (our counselor just reemed him out for that) to make me look bad while I have NEVER sold him out - I don't want our kids to think badly of him. It makes me crazy but we are very much on the road to recovery - not perfection...just recovery. well you have to realize, he had a desire to have sex with someone other than his wife, and you had that desire to have sex with someone other than him. Only difference is you didn't actually do it......but you wanted to nonetheless. Is it as bad as what he did? Not quite, but it doesn't change the fact that you really wanted to. but at least you didn't, I'll give you credit for that.
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