What does this make me?

[Betrayed-Betrayer]

Here's the incredibly small version of my story:

 

My husband had an A. I found out, he was devestated by his actions - stayed with us and tried all he could for R.

 

Was not going well after a few years.

 

One day got into a horrible fight (I name called his mother)

 

He picked me up and shook me and threatened my life twice if I ever said it again.

 

Emotionally I snapped inside. Could not take another moment of this life. I detached from him emotionally completely. Did not love him or like him.

 

One month later I went after my ex-boyfriend from 20 years ago through FB. He lives on the entire opposite side of the country. I wanted serious revenge. I told the ex-bf that I just wanted sex. He was all for it.

 

This was entirely online chatting. Never once on the phone. It lasted only for 5 days. Why? I was SO guilt-ridden. I couldn't pray with my kids anymore b/c I felt like such the liar. I was horrified but deeply enjoyed how into me he was - I was the 'one' he couldn't fully catch in high school (I knew that). He and my husband looks scarily similar and his wife (yes, he was married 1 year at that point) looks more like a twin of mine. It was weird.

 

I ended it. It took months for me to process and get over.

What does this say about me?

 

My husband and I are NOW in serious reconcilation - so very happy. We've done major work together in healing.

 

BUT, I never told him. I WON'T tell him. He would FLIP, obviously. I didn't initally tell him b/c I was actually fearful for my safety. Now, it's turned into (1) protection for the marriage, (2) not willing to make our kids suffer ANYthing further (3) he will be in such utter pain - I don't think I want him to try and compare what he did with what I did. That's just honesty - not trying to hide anything 'here'.

 

Just some encouragement and advice? Please don't bash me to death - I really need it done kindly today.

[martini-mae]

I think it means you were very lonely, pissed & probably a lot of other emotions at that time.

You were looking for someone to talk to. This person provided that & he was at a distance, which is probably a good thing. Even if you told him all you wanted was sex, you didn't do it.

5 days considering everything you & your husband have been thru is really nothing. Especially since you're working on the marriage & are getting better.

Just my opinion but looks to me as if you feel bad for what you did. Be happy with your husband & try to not dwell on those very few days.

Keep up the good work with your marriage.

[LSNoob]

It lasted only for 5 days.

 

What lasted 5 days? Sex, or chatting?

 

If you were just chatting with him only, and considering how your husband put you threw hell, you did nothing wrong. But if you did have sex, then best thing to do is come clean at it now and see if you guys are right for each other or not. You husband need to fix his issues as well. Hope all works out.

[Betrayed-Betrayer]

It was "just" chatting for 5 days - but it was a lot about sex which I completely instigated.

 

He actually told me even though he did want to do that all he wanted to do right then one day was "hold you and kiss you for hours". I was a little floored. That's when I began to feel emotional toward him and knew I couldn't keep it up.

 

No - we are on total opposite sides of the US - I haven't seen him in person in 20 years. I took him off my FB account and have maintained no contact.

[ladydesigner]

I had a revenge affair as well although mine went physical. Don't beat yourself up about it, lessons learned. I am more concerned about the abusive behavior your husband displayed over name calling. What happens when there is a more serious fight. Is he emotionally abusive to you? I'm sorry but I am more on the side of no wonder you did what you did. Not only do I think you were seeking revenge but probably escape too. I would suggest you start seeing an IC if you could. Your H sounds like he needs anger management.

[Betrayed-Betrayer]

I REALLY appreciate what you all are writing - wow, it's making me tear up. I only have a few girlfriends who know about this b/c I needed their help in making me stop. 2 of them told me to NEVER tell him (they've both been divorced). The other 2 believe that I should b/c 'honesty and truth is essential to an authentic marriage'. I think that's grossly stretching it in my situation.

 

Yes, we've done now a Marriage Intensive and the depth of understanding and healing is powerful. I no longer feel afraid of him (that was the first and only time he's said/done anything like that - he's very ashamed and I told my family in FRONT of him THAT night what he did b/c I wasn't going to protect him over THAT).

 

I have really asked God for forgiveness and I feel forgiven. I just feel like my two girlfriends with that advice haven't forgiven me...maybe that's why I feel like I should feel more guilty than I do. I feel at peace with my decision, you know?

[ladydesigner]

I REALLY appreciate what you all are writing - wow, it's making me tear up. I only have a few girlfriends who know about this b/c I needed their help in making me stop. 2 of them told me to NEVER tell him (they've both been divorced). The other 2 believe that I should b/c 'honesty and truth is essential to an authentic marriage'. I think that's grossly stretching it in my situation.

 

Yes, we've done now a Marriage Intensive and the depth of understanding and healing is powerful. I no longer feel afraid of him (that was the first and only time he's said/done anything like that - he's very ashamed and I told my family in FRONT of him THAT night what he did b/c I wasn't going to protect him over THAT).

 

I have really asked God for forgiveness and I feel forgiven. I just feel like my two girlfriends with that advice haven't forgiven me...maybe that's why I feel like I should feel more guilty than I do. I feel at peace with my decision, you know?

 

Wow good to hear he hasn't been abusive since. I am in the court of not telling, but my view is widely unpopular here. My therapist also has told me not to tell as well. You have forgiven yourself and you feel bad about what you did. Really I think that is all that matters. If YOU feel like it is best not to tell then don't tell. It is an individual decision and I personally believe there is no right or wrong answer.

 

Hang in there! Keep posting on LS. This place has been my greatest therapy.

[bentnotbroken]

Your husband is living a lie. He was wrong you are wrong. You are just as much a betrayer of the marriage as he was. Two wrongs don't make any situation right no matter how you try to spin it.

[LSNoob]

I understand its an EA. But seriously if I was that kinda husband. Then come and find out wife cheated on me in this manner, by just chatting , and after all I done to her ( cheated and physical abused her ) then I prob wouldn't even care.

 

It all depends on how big of a man your husband is. Will see if he will own up to his idiotic behaviors and one day will grow up to be a responsible husband. Wish you luck.

[Dexter Morgan]

BUT, I never told him. I WON'T tell him. He would FLIP, obviously. I didn't initally tell him b/c I was actually fearful for my safety.

 

if he is that type, and you fear for your safety, then why don't you leave him?

 

and you aren't going to tell him. so you are going to let him think he is the only cheater in this marriage and everything he does from this point out he will be thinking that you did nothing wrong.

 

 

Now, it's turned into (1) protection for the marriage, (2) not willing to make our kids suffer ANYthing further (3) he will be in such utter pain - I don't think I want him to try and compare what he did with what I did. That's just honesty - not trying to hide anything 'here'.

 

not trying to hide anything by keeping your cheating from him?

 

 

Just some encouragement and advice? Please don't bash me to death - I really need it done kindly today.

 

 

well, he is a cheating bastard thats for sure, but now you are a cheater to that is no better than him.

 

so if you two are truly working on the marriage, you have NO RIGHT to throw anything in his face from this point out because you aren't being honest with him now.

 

So he cheated, and you cheated. You drop it. don't throw it in his face unless you are willing to come clean yourself. You'd be a hypocrite if you did now that you have cheated to.

 

If you want to work on the marriage, fine.....don't ever bring up the cheating again. (but if you hadn't cheated, I think you'd have every right to)

[2long]

I REALLY appreciate what you all are writing - wow, it's making me tear up. I only have a few girlfriends who know about this b/c I needed their help in making me stop. 2 of them told me to NEVER tell him (they've both been divorced). The other 2 believe that I should b/c 'honesty and truth is essential to an authentic marriage'. I think that's grossly stretching it in my situation.

 

Really?

 

Yes, we've done now a Marriage Intensive and the depth of understanding and healing is powerful. I no longer feel afraid of him (that was the first and only time he's said/done anything like that - he's very ashamed and I told my family in FRONT of him THAT night what he did b/c I wasn't going to protect him over THAT).

 

But now you're protecting you over the same thing, only done by you?

 

I have really asked God for forgiveness and I feel forgiven.

 

Congra2lations on your accomplishment! But is this real?

 

I just feel like my two girlfriends with that advice haven't forgiven me...maybe that's why I feel like I should feel more guilty than I do. I feel at peace with my decision, you know?

 

I suspect that you believe you should feel more guilty than you do, not because your 2 gfs advised you 2 confess, but because you are rationalizing that God says it's okay for you 2 continue 2 lie 2 your husband, and you know that's wrong.

 

-ol' 2long

[datura_noir]

Is it that hard to beleive that people stay married and weather the storms??I had an opportunity to attend the funeral of a man this weekend who was, by all standards, the quintessential husband. The ultimate coveted family man.

 

Having known the wife for a while, we talked. She told me that in 48 years of marriage, he had an "incident" with another woman around 1990 for about a year and a half. I never would have guessed!! But, she says, it all got pushed to the rear when his oldest child suffered greatly in a car accident. And it brought them closer and closer, and they renewed their love and their passion for each other. She didn't say it like that exactly, but I got the gist of it.

 

These people were well-known in our community. The supposed "OW" was also well-known. But, the affair died out, and she and her husband enjoyed their years left together. The OW, whom I know of, moved away, and has never been heard of, but still has family here that she visits.

 

A marriage is more than just a promise in a moment of "in love". It is a solid commitment. It is hard for many to understand the human side of their partner. If you can forgive, and do it rightly, there is so much to be gained. But if youcan't, no one will think you are worse for doing so. A lot probably could not do it.

[2long]

datura:

 

I agree with your points. I suspect (though I can't know, obviously) that your friend and her late husband were able 2 recover their marriage after their son's accident because they were able 2 talk about it an process it.

 

Sadly, I know of 2 many people who had affairs or their marriages otherwise ended "because" of the death of a child, rather than being brought closer 2gether because of it.

 

-ol' 2long

[Karma24]

Question: if you two are in "serious" reconciliation and it sounds like this thing btw. you and the OM happened months ago, why are you questioning things now? What's triggered this?

[spriggig]

It seems like you have a Tell-Tale Heart in your house. I think you need to tell him someday, for your own sake. Some people are able to rationalize this sort of thing away and forget about it--or at least claim to. If it seems you're not that type, it might be best to come clean.

 

Really, what you did barely constitutes cheating--you only stepped a foot over the line and you've done nothing of the sort since. You've also, it appears, fully re-committed to your husband.

Edited July 14, 2010 by spriggig

[Betrayed-Betrayer]

I don't want to divorce him now at all. He was given ONE chance to never, ever touch me again. I told my parents in FRONT of him a few hours after he did it so that there would be no hiding of possible abuse. That was one area I was not negotiable on. I took responsibility for what I said but told him if he ever did anything like that again it would be over in a flash and I would ensure the courts and people around town would know of who he really is. He would not get away with it. That being said, he was remorseful and I no longer fear him. I did for a few months.

 

The reason this is all coming up now is that we went to a "Marriage Intensive" last week - he begged me to go b/c a month ago I decided we should just be divorced. He never really understood the pain of what I went through (thus not taking full responsibility - said I was a b**ch and got a little more than I deserved...that's when I moved forward for a divorce). I could not take it - I told him I would be happier being alone than living with him - and he had this idea that b/c I behaved like a maniac after the A discovery that I had a few screws loose - said that my recovery shouldn't be 'this long' and that if we didn't heal it was now my fault. I just was DONE at that point (he is also wonderfully sweet much of the time - it was just the BIG parts where he doesn't take responsibility, etc).

 

I left with our kids for 4 days, talking to him still, being completely nice, but I somehow did a 180 on him without me even knowing what I was doing. He found this Intensive and set it up (which I had begged to go to for months and he turned down and would be angry and say all I had to do was love him).

 

It was amazing and the healing we got was really shocking.

 

My 2 friends, however, still think that I should have told him during the session.

 

But, quite frankly, he JUST took full responsibility for the A!!! "I" need to heal and be able to trust him to make this work or it won't at all. He also knows now that I'm not even a little 'crazy' (p.s. - telling someone that makes them feel crazy!); it's simply how I react to being threatened and not having trust.

 

And, I understand him - he has serious abandonment issues (long, awful upbringing story) and childhood neglect.

 

Anyway, I can't write all about all of that to help you all understand how life-altering the last month has been for us.

 

Which is why I DON'T want to bring up the 'minor' OEA I had during the lonliest and angriest time in my life - it would simply break apart what is now a new and wonderful beginning for us and our children.

 

I also acknowledge that if he did every become privy to it, he would hurt so horribly. I still maintain that I would rather have NEVER known. I 'know' I'm different now (not innocent in the ways of the world) but if God could have allowed a different lesson taught to me in a different way, I surely would have chosen that. Finding out about your spouse's A IS something I WOULD wish on my worst enemy b/c it's so awful.

 

I just want "us" to heal from this and I think I can carry my burden - I mostly feel recovered from it but I go to IC on my own too. In fact, I went during those few days b/c I was a wreck and I needed help to stop it.

 

Nothing makes what I did right or ok - I know that, good grief. During it I just didn't care anymore. I was sick of 'martyring' myself for our family and being the one that would keep us together by sacrificing. But, I just lost it - my heart was just broken and felt beyond repair and I wanted to HURT him so much.

 

I was sitting in church the day before I ended it and someone was praying and she said, "If you are in something that you know you should not be a part of, call out to Jesus and He will remind you of who you are". I cried instantly when I heard that because I had prayed (barely - almost couldn't do it) the day before for Him to rescue me.

 

He did - I am - and I want peace.

[Betrayed-Betrayer]

And I don't want to throw things in his face. It's really not like that anymore - I won't ever forget this all and we still have to work on trust (he has to force himself to learn not to put himself in situations) but I don't want his life defined by the A. I know that's not who he is. He is a child of God who is loved by Him and loved by our family. That should be his legacy - not this gross mistake.

[Spark1111]

Look BB, I think there is a way to do this in a controlled and calm environment; maybe with a counselor or a your minister present?

 

Tell him you love him and the effort he is putting into the relationship and the changes in his behavior.

 

Bring him back to that dark and angry post DDay time, and how vulnerable and hurt you were.

 

Tell him you contacted an old high school boyfriend and you chatted for five days, and how willing he was to re-kindle with you, and that you were tempted BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.

 

And that you now do not want ANY SECRETS between you as you both do the hard work of reconciling; not now, not ever.

 

In the very best marriages, couple discuss attractions they feel towards others and form a plan TOGETHER to create boundaries to protect the marraige.

 

Imagine that?

[bentnotbroken]

God does not condone lying to build a marriage. You had a shot to come clean, but you chose to let him take the blame for, in your words "everything". When the chips are down, our true character comes out. Yours was to let him take the blame for your choices. Imagine if he did that to you? I don't doubt God forgives those who ask in sincerity and want to repent. But that forgiveness does not absolve you of your responsibility or the consequences.

[Betrayed-Betrayer]

I continue to say that I'm not telling him but a few on here are not hearing me. I will take the advice of those who are listening to my heart here. It's not all black and white. I will protect my children at any ultimate cost at this point - I know what would happen if I told of this.

 

And, let me ask, if any of the posters have ever once looked at porn privately or flirted with someone even once...did you tell your spouse? Sometimes God's grace is all we need. And, I'm unconcerned if you personally judge me or don't agree. I'm not asking for that - I got some kind words from some other posters - I'll go with that. The most logical ones that protect my family.

 

Anyway, I'll stop writing b/c I'm getting nowhere.

[confusedinkansas]

Sorry you have chosen to quit posting here, although, I can understand. I've done the same with a few threads I've started - Coming here to ask questions & get some guidence & then it gets out of control. However, this site has on occasion helped me sort things out in my head. You can't always take everyone's advice to heart. You need to sort thru what applies to your situation.

EVERY household is different. None of these folks were there when any of this went down so how they can TELL you what to do or how to act is beyond me.

 

When it comes to telling a spouse of an "incident" most here preach TELL TELL TELL.......Too bad life is not as cut & dry as that.

I agree with your stand not to tell. My opinion- In the whole scheme of life, this was a very minor infraction. You didn't meet this man, you merely chatted with him for 5 days. (which I not sure how anyone could classify this under "Infidelity") Sounds like you believe God has forgiven you, I know it's difficult but don't you think it's time for you to forgive yourself? ....

[Betrayed-Betrayer]

Sounds like you believe God has forgiven you, I know it's difficult but don't you think it's time for you to forgive yourself? ....

 

Thank you so very much for your post - you're right, I need to forgive myself...God already has and I FULLY feel that. Not everyone wants you to feel that, though. Thank you thank you thank you

[Snowflower]

B-B, I hope you will keep posting here if you find it at all helpful! Ignore the posts that you don't find helpful...it takes awhile to get a thick skin!

 

I read your thread and while I didn't have anything to contribute, the honesty of your posts really touched me.

 

I understand the urge to get some revenge after you have been hurt so horribly. I entertained thoughts for months of finding a way to hurt my husband the same way he hurt me after I found out about his A.

 

What struck me from your posts was that your H had the attitude of so many wandering spouses (WS) that you should "just get over it already." I don't think any WS knows how badly it hurts unless it happens to them. Even my husband, who was pretty much as remorseful and compassionate to my pain as he could possibly be, doesn't understand how much I hurt.

 

I wanted to have a revenge affair just so my husband could feel first-hand how much it hurt to have your spouse cheat on you. I thought at that time it was the only way I could get him to really feel what I was going through. Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, I'm glad you are reconnecting with your H...I can't tell advise whether or not you should tell him because I sit on the fence about that myself. I liked Spark's suggestion about telling your H with the help of a clergy member, since you seem to be a person of faith.

 

Good luck to you.

[Dexter Morgan]

Is it that hard to beleive that people stay married and weather the storms??

 

weathering storms and sticking by each other through the tough times is one thing.

 

having to look at the face of a spouse for the rest of your life that chose to get their jollies off with someone else is another.

 

life is too short

[Dexter Morgan]

My 2 friends, however, still think that I should have told him during the session.

 

i have to agree. its good that he is changing. But the problem is he is doing so thinking that he was the only one in the marriage that has done wrong.

 

 

But, quite frankly, he JUST took full responsibility for the A!!!

 

while not knowing that you had one too. Its good he took full responsibility. But now you are going to let him think he is the only cheater in this marriage.

 

 

"I" need to heal and be able to trust him to make this work or it won't at all.

 

so its all about you being able to trust him now, and you have good reason to not trust him.

 

but now you are untrustworthy yourself....he just doesn't know it. He will go through this thinking that he is the only one that needs to change.

 

 

Which is why I DON'T want to bring up the 'minor' OEA I had during the lonliest and angriest time in my life

 

OEA? what happened to the x-bf who you told you wanted to have sex with. maybe i missed it, did that not happen?

 

 

I also acknowledge that if he did every become privy to it, he would hurt so horribly.

 

and it would undo all the effort he has made up to that point.

 

 

I just want "us" to heal from this and I think I can carry my burden

 

oh I'm sure you will be able to