seriously Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I am a newlywed. My H works from home and gets his deliveries through email. it is usually women who send his deliveries to him. he has started responding with such words as "baby", "gorgeous", and uses phrases like, "are more cumming". Should I be concerned or feel upset with his flirtatious comments? I feel this is a mockery of our marraige to use such phrases with other women. thoughts?
Fight4Me Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I am a newlywed. My H works from home and gets his deliveries through email. it is usually women who send his deliveries to him. he has started responding with such words as "baby", "gorgeous", and uses phrases like, "are more cumming". Should I be concerned or feel upset with his flirtatious comments? I feel this is a mockery of our marraige to use such phrases with other women. thoughts? His comments are inappropriate and show great disrespect toward you. As a newlywed, you need to sit him down and have a calm discussion about it. Let him know it is completely unacceptable to you. Take a firm stand now or else it will continue. Just out of curiosity, did he behave this way toward other women before you got married, or is this a new thing for him?
Author seriously Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 We had some "boundry" setting in the beginning. he was a serial chatroom user. problem with talking to him about it is that he does not know that I know what he is saying to these women. I have just been observing by searching in the computer. It seems like he is making a mockery of our marriage. all the incomming emails from these co workers are totally professional. his responses are not. they never respond back to him although he does go into the office from time to time. i think these women are married too.
Owl Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 The fact that he's a serial chat room participant should be a red flag to you. That tells you that he enjoys the "cyber side". What he's doing sounds like the start of an extension of that habit. You're completely right for calling him out on this...it's a clear boundary violation.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 J effen C, another techno spy. Are these communiques addressed to you or is there a need for you to audit them as part of his business. If not, then quit yer insecure snooping. Such is his purile sense of humor and since it's just e-mail and not voice or face to face, you're snooping is creating YOUR problem.
ladydesigner Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Sorry you find yourself here. He sounds childish to me. Why not give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it. I'm sure he would understand once the tables were turned.
Hazyhead Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Seriously, (I like starting sentences with that ) I think you need to talk to him about it. Do not let him fob you off with 'Only being friendly,' 'i'm not doing anything physical', or anything like that; if he's inappropriate towards other women without any provocation then I think he might lack boundaries elsewhere and that will be where the, 'It just happened' thing would come in. It only takes one woman to respond...
Author seriously Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I can respect the comment that I am snooping. But isnt this how affairs begin? Be it physical or emotional? And he does see these women in person weekly. So I should be the naive wifey and let him play the field on the side? Why did he get married at all? I respect the sactity of marriage. Why do you feel this is ok for him to do feelin frisky? Just trying to understand your point of view.
2sure Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 His communication style is offensive, unprofessional , and insulting to you and every woman he deals with.
Snowflower Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 W It seems like he is making a mockery of our marriage. all the incomming emails from these co workers are totally professional. his responses are not. they never respond back to him although he does go into the office from time to time. i think these women are married too. If his responses are as you say, then he is being highly unprofessional. He could lose his job over these types of responses. Has he ever heard of the term "sexual harassment?" People have been fired for a lot less than what he is saying. In this day and age, you simply don't talk like that in a professional setting. Duh.
Author seriously Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I agree that he is risking a potential complaint of sexual harrasement. I would be offended if a coworker included sexual inuendos in general emails as well. that is unless I considered them "follow up" to a conversation. i wonder if he says such things in person to them too? I am just embarrased being the wife in this situation. it gives the message to others that he is "frisky" outside of his marriage. i just dont understand why he would do this.
Fight4Me Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 If his responses are as you say, then he is being highly unprofessional. He could lose his job over these types of responses. Has he ever heard of the term "sexual harassment?" People have been fired for a lot less than what he is saying. In this day and age, you simply don't talk like that in a professional setting. Duh. Exactly. It's very possible these emails are being forwarded to supervisors and/or HR who could be building a file on him. He also needs to realize that emails can be monitored by IT, and is naive to assume this is professionally harmless. You could approach him as a concerned wife. Marriage is about partnership and having each others' backs. If you were putting your job on the line, wouldn't you want your partner to pull you back? And as to the snooping, when you're gut is screaming at you, and because he's your husband, it is reasonable to do some detective work. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You might want to pick up the book Boundaries in Marriage to help guide you through the process of setting them. Hopefully, he'll be open to it himself.
GorillaTheater Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Okay, the way he talks to other women is hugely insulting and direspectful to these women, and especially to you, and I'm not making excuses for his behavior by any means, but let me throw this out: My wife is flirty. It's just the way she's wired and I'm sure she doesn't mean anything by it, but through body language, apparent interest level, voice inflection, etc. she just comes across as, well, flirty. Usually it doesn't bother me, and when it does, I shrug it off (or start flirting with the guys wife if I'm feeling particularly ornerey). But recently I did say something. I calmly explained that her behavior could be objectively viewed as flirty and that I felt disrespected by it, and that if she felt that she needed some kind of validation from other men than we should talk about that. She was shocked. She had no idea that her behavior could be interpreted that way, and agreed that she needed to tone it down. Bottom line: communication. Let's say he's an idiot and blind to what he's doing. You bring it to his attention and calmly explain that you feel insulted and disrespected, and that on top of everything he may well be setting himself up for a sexual harrassment complaint. Employers are generally unwilling to keep folks that that around; they don't need the grief. Of course, if he doesn't change, you need to give some thought as to whether you can live with that or not. I certainly wouldn't blame you if you couldn't, but I think you should give him a chance to change this behavior.
Author seriously Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Ok. But what if he does not know that I know what he is doing? Snooping on the computer is not the most confident thing I could do either. And I hate to give away my secrets in finding out his little secrets. So how do I approach him without the obvious......I found this snooping on the computer approach?
GorillaTheater Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Did you actively have to snoop or does he leave his emails up? If you actively snooped, what led you to do that? (I generally don't cast stones at snooping, particularly if you don't feel you're getting the truth from your SO.) And does he not flirt in person with you around?
Author seriously Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I actively snooped. We had some history with "chat room" issues in the past. I also have 2 teenagers so I try to keep them out of trouble on the computer. (or snoop to make sure they are not in inappropriate websites) Thus I found my husbands issue. I have never seen him flirt in front of me. In the past we had issues with his internet "fantasy" life. He promised he would stop those actions. Which he did. But now this.
GorillaTheater Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Then I wouldn't worry too much about 'fessing up to snooping. And anticipate that the degree to which he blusters and bitches about your snooping will be in direct proportion to the guilt he feels, or at least the angst at having been busted. Let that slide right by you and keep the conversation calmly on point: his inappropriate comments to other women, the direspect that shows you and these women, and the possible trouble he could get into. But this is just my advice. You have other options, including silently stewing or serving him with divorce papers. I would go with trying to talk through it first, though.
martini-mae Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I know how difficult it is to bring things up when you've found them out thru snooping. Try this one, "Honey, you left an email up & I happened to be in the office, do you talk to all women this way?" That may open the door for conversation on the subject. If he blows you off, I wouldn't let it go quickly. That's for sure. I personally was a serial chatter for a few years. It is very addictive. If he's stopped the actual chat, it may have carried over (obviously) into his work emails. I personally believe that, chat is harmless. It becomes hurtful when you start chatting about inappropriate things in your personal married life & sex. It also becomes inappropriate if there are plans to meet the person at the other end of the chat. Do you think that's happened?
Author seriously Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I dont think (know) if there has been any "outside of work" contact. He does go into the office each week and I am sure he see's these women in the office. He is very secretive about his email and would NEVER leave it open. I am just URKED that he thinks it is OK to email sexual types of comments to other women. I could not imagine getting an email from a co-worker with the cum word in it. I would be confronting that person about the inappropriateness of the comments. Why aren't these women saying something to him? do they like it?
Spark1111 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I dont think (know) if there has been any "outside of work" contact. He does go into the office each week and I am sure he see's these women in the office. He is very secretive about his email and would NEVER leave it open. I am just URKED that he thinks it is OK to email sexual types of comments to other women. I could not imagine getting an email from a co-worker with the cum word in it. I would be confronting that person about the inappropriateness of the comments. Why aren't these women saying something to him? do they like it? Listen, you are the wife. If you do not like him talking this way to other women, tell him you find it disrepectful to you! How would he feel if you were talking to men on-line, calling them baby, hottie, hunkster, and will there be any more cumming? I mean, c'mon! Tell him he is a married man now, and should act like one. It embarrasses you and he embarrassing himself, let alone crossing many boundaries, both romantic, marital, and professional with these women. Is he hoping for his first, flirtatious response? To what end? Put your foot down. What would he say if he discovered you were doing this?
OFGnomore Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 IME, this is how "opportunities" are created! My H and I laugh about a coworker of his who always claimed how he was always having opportunities to be unfaithful. Typical scenario of the man who seems to get more opportunities in the workplace: Wow Susan, great presentation. You're not only beautiful but talented and smart too. I'm think your idea will be very successful. I'd love to be part of your team, can we discuss sometime lunch or coffee (just the two of them) soon to discuss? How a mature man who values and respects his wife and family responds, and for some strange reason, this fella just doesn't seem to get the opportunities the above gentlemen does. Susan, I think you've got great a idea for the marketing program and I think it will be successful. If you need additional support with your project let me know. IMO, more opportunities are created than not.
spriggig Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Maybe rather than confronting him as a hurt wife, you confront him as a disgusted woman who is also concerned about his job security. If the married women in his office are not calling him out on this, do it for them. Any office BBQ's coming up that would let you mingle with his co-workers and "discover" your husband's behavior? He probably thinks his actions are harmless, but you're the other half of this marriage and you say they aren't harmless, so he's wrong. It takes two to make a marriage work--you're both responsible for protecting it.
carhill Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) OP, you already 'snooped'. You own that behavior. So, clear the air. 'I snooped and found e-mails which I found to be disrespectful to myself and our marriage and that's unacceptable'. Then, hand him the e-mails printed out out on paper and invite him to talk about it like a mature adult. He's not a child, a 'bad boy' who needs a spanking and a time out. The marriage is the priority for *both* of you. If he's not on-board with that, get rid of him. Since you've had issues surrounding this subject before, he apparently is aware of your perspective. I'll bet the last 'blow-up' happened before you were married. Now, since you're married, he thinks he 'has you', so those behaviors can resume (if they ever really went away). Teach him how incorrect that perspective really is. BTW, just because he doesn't flirt with women in front of you doesn't mean he doesn't flirt with women. BTDT. If no joy with the 'conversation', I'd recommend MC but I sound like a broken record on that subject. I hope it works out for you. Life is short Edited July 17, 2010 by carhill
Woman In Blue Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I am a newlywed. My H works from home and gets his deliveries through email. it is usually women who send his deliveries to him. he has started responding with such words as "baby", "gorgeous", and uses phrases like, "are more cumming". Ewwww. Only a moron would think this type of nonsense is flattering to a woman, writing "cumming" and "baby" in his emails. I need a shower after reading that dreck. Blech. Since he's had problems in the past with "internet activity," this silliness doesn't surprise me in the least. It sounds as though he's resorting to the same old internet crap as before but this time, in the form of email. As another poster said, it's all about creating opportunities, and it sounds as though your husband is "working it" as hard as he can with the ladies. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, being honest. Lastly, he's also a total idiot for putting his company in the position of being at risk for a very costly sexual harrassment lawsuit. Is his pathetic need to act like an internet Romeo THAT strong that he's willing to risk his company's reputation and financial security, as well as his OWN professional reputation and financial security? Seriously, only a complete idiot would take this kind of risk. And lastly, if he's very "secretive" about his email, there's a reason for it. There's a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. I'd tell Romeo that you saw his revolting emails when checking up on the kids and aside from them being TOTALLY inappropriate (as well as smarmy as hell and disgusting), the bigger issue is his sheer STUPIDITY in risking his company's security as well as his own job.
Corporate Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 It seems like he is making a mockery of our marriage. all the incomming emails from these co workers are totally professional. his responses are not. they never respond back to him although he does go into the office from time to time. i think these women are married too. Imagine what they think of him and your marriage. Imagine how they talk about him and you behind your back with those "cumming" comments. By the way, all it takes is one slut to say yes to get an affair started. Why did you marry someone with such boundary and respect issues?
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