Should I be worried

[Bitterman24/7]

Ok so this is the first time I posted anything to this site. My wife of two years has recently become pretty good friends with a male co-worker. They met a few months ago and over the past 2 months they've started to become pretty close. He's married but is currently going through some difficulties with his marriage and may actually be getting divorced. He doesn't have a lot of friends and confides with my wife on a lot of things. For the past two weeks, at least, they have been texting a lot...up to 300 times a day. Probably closer to 200 times a day on average. I've checked our wireless account and they basically start texting the minute my wife wakes up to the minute she goes to bed. I tried once checking her phone for old messages, but they were all deleted. Her phone is basically tied to her hand all day so it's practically impossible to look at it. I want to trust my wife and I do, but there is still a part of me that is worried. I don't want to sound paranoid. Does anyone think I should be worried? Is this a bad early sign?

 

WOW!!!!LMFAO!!!:lmao:

 

TWO YEARS!!???!???!?!?!?!?!?!

This is even worse than Notsoeasy's situation. Over 200 texts and an EA that could be a PA? Like I told him: If she cheats this early in your marriage (even though cheating itself is wrong but the earlyness only makes it worse) what will happen 10 to 15 years from now?

 

I have one word for you and one word only: DIVORCE!!LOL!!!

[Bryanp]

Bitterman,

 

You did not read his update today. The wife admitted screwing her lover for the past 6 weeks and refuses to cut contact with him.

[Minnie09]

For some clarification, both me and the marriage counselor absolutely agree that my wife should have no contact with this guy. But, I can't control what she wants to do. I'm not going to duct tape her to a chair in our apartment with a gag in her mouth and destroy her cell phone.

 

And you shouldn't. You shouldn't HAVE to force her to go NC. If she has any sense of guilt and remorse, she CHOOSES to cut her ties with OM. She clearly chooses not to and doesn't even hide it. That's a crystal clear message, dude. I'm sorry, but she shows you utter disrespect. It won't help to give her more time to think everything over. You have to act now. Fast.

[GorillaTheater]

For some clarification, both me and the marriage counselor absolutely agree that my wife should have no contact with this guy. But, I can't control what she wants to do. I'm not going to duct tape her to a chair in our apartment with a gag in her mouth and destroy her cell phone. She's a grown adult and has to make her own decisions. She clearly said last night in counseling that she is not currently ready to cut all ties with the other guy. Yeah, that absolutely kills me. And I don't know how we can begin to "move on" if she is still making contact. Again, I appreciate the thoughts and oppinions that everyone has, but I'm going to trust the professional who has 12 years experience for right now. We only had one session. This isn't going to get fixed in one hour.

 

Your counselor's right, she needs to cut off all contact with OM and no, you can't force her to do so. But what did he suggest doing? Nothing? Just wait it out?

 

If so, professional or not, he sucks. You can't control your W, but you can control you. You don't want your W to contact or be with the OM? That's a boundary for you, right? Are you doing anything to enforce your boundary? If not, for the sake of your marriage and mor importantly yourself you better come up with a plan to enforce that boundary. You don't have to go thermonuclear, though that would be my advice, but at a minimum she needs to feel some consequences, at a minimum the loss of financial, material and emotional support from you.

 

Let her see what life would be like without you.

[Bitterman24/7]

Ok. I'll try to not make this a book. Let me start off by saying basically everyone was right...my wife was having a complete physical affair for 4 to 6 weeks with this guy. She finally told me last week after lying repeatedly to me. We just had our first session of couples counseling last night, and it just felt...weird. I don't know how to describe it. I feel like I'm living with a roommate, not my wife or best friend.

 

I still love my wife and I know she still loves me. You can't just stop loving someone overnight. I absolutely want to be able to work this out. At first I was real positive about us getting back together, but as every day goes by, I become less positive. I'm just beginning to realize how long this is going to take...weeks, months, years. And it sucks.

 

Oh by the way, my wife and the other guy still have contact. She tells me she wants to work things out with me, but I have such a hard time believing her, especially now. I just really think she's in love with this guy more than me...if she's even IN love with me at all anymore. She's an adult and has to make her own decisions. I can't hold a gun to her head and tell her she can never contact this guy ever again. She knows that I obviously don't want them to have any contact at all, but she can't stop. It's like a drug.

 

I don't really know what I'm looking for right now. I guess I'm interested to read responses from people that went through similar situations. Especially responses from people who were cheated on, and were still able to successfully work things out with their spouse. Just be honest. Please no responses telling me to "grow some balls and throw her to the curb". Seriously. If you honestly love someone, I don't know how you can do that right away. I'm not trying to make light of the situation. What she did was horrible and no one deserves to go through what I'm going through. And she also realizes that.

 

I guess that's it. I could write pages if I really wanted to and it's hard not to. So yeah, would appreciate any insight, but just please be respectful.

 

Let me just say that i'm sorry that this happened to you. You never deserved this, but lets face the music, she committed the Ultimate Betrayal and she's still in contact with the guy...

The way this situation is presented will make recovery (if you can handle it) for you even harder because this is the time where your marriage should still be "new."

 

You don't know how someone could kick their wife to the curb right away, but you're wife cheated on you right away.

 

My advice still stands if you can't get her to stop talking with the guy and reconcile with you and if you can never forgive her.

[Bitterman24/7]

Bitterman,

 

You did not read his update today. The wife admitted screwing her lover for the past 6 weeks and refuses to cut contact with him.

 

And like I said in my second post in this thread, if he can't handle the resentment and reconciliation of a unremorseful WW who cheated in the first TWO years of his marriage, then my original advice still stands.

[Bitterman24/7]

For some clarification, both me and the marriage counselor absolutely agree that my wife should have no contact with this guy. But, I can't control what she wants to do. I'm not going to duct tape her to a chair in our apartment with a gag in her mouth and destroy her cell phone. She's a grown adult and has to make her own decisions. She clearly said last night in counseling that she is not currently ready to cut all ties with the other guy. Yeah, that absolutely kills me. And I don't know how we can begin to "move on" if she is still making contact. Again, I appreciate the thoughts and oppinions that everyone has, but I'm going to trust the professional who has 12 years experience for right now. We only had one session. This isn't going to get fixed in one hour.

 

Wow, i'm really slow on these updates, but that doesn't matter right now...

 

I'm just going to say this: You are wasting your money on counseling if she's still having any type of contact with OM. Plus 12 years of experience in the counseling field is not a lot.

 

And either way whether you choose to stay or divorce her, you will still need to grow some balls and stop being afraid of her responses. Take her phone and break it if you have to. We're not saying to physically hurt her (although there have been some cases like that) but do something instead of just sitting there waiting for her to get on board because that's exactly what's she's feeding off of: entitlement. Personally, I still think you should divorce her, while she's riding the sunset away on OM's lap. Just like another poster said, sometimes filing for divorce makes the WS have a change of heart, but if she doesn't stop, then you know what you need to do.

 

Get tested also.

Edited August 4, 2010 by Bitterman24/7

[Dexter Morgan]

I still love my wife and I know she still loves me.

 

she has a funny way of showing it.

 

 

You can't just stop loving someone overnight.

 

I did, because the woman I was in love with wasn't a cheater. Once I found out she was a cheater, she was no longer the woman I was in love with.

 

I understand that you may not be able to turn that off like I could, just don't let her walk all over you, point the finger at you, and don't take anything she ever says from this point on at face value.

 

 

I absolutely want to be able to work this out. At first I was real positive about us getting back together, but as every day goes by, I become less positive. I'm just beginning to realize how long this is going to take...weeks, months, years. And it sucks.

 

Oh by the way, my wife and the other guy still have contact.

 

 

if you 2 are to work it out, it needs to stop...NOW.

 

 

 

She tells me she wants to work things out with me, but I have such a hard time believing her, especially now. I just really think she's in love with this guy more than me...if she's even IN love with me at all anymore. She's an adult and has to make her own decisions. I can't hold a gun to her head and tell her she can never contact this guy ever again. She knows that I obviously don't want them to have any contact at all, but she can't stop. It's like a drug.

 

so the question is, when are you going to decide you don't want to be cuckolded any longer?

 

if she never drops contact with him and even thinks she wants to keep him as a friend, how long will you put up with it before putting her where she belongs?........on the street.

 

 

I don't really know what I'm looking for right now. I guess I'm interested to read responses from people that went through similar situations. Especially responses from people who were cheated on, and were still able to successfully work things out with their spouse.

 

is that what you want to hear?

 

 

 

Just be honest. Please no responses telling me to "grow some balls and throw her to the curb". Seriously. If you honestly love someone, I don't know how you can do that right away.

 

nor am I suggesting it. but how many months will have to go by before her continued contact with the OM is no longer acceptable and you are ready to drop an ultimatum?

 

 

I'm not trying to make light of the situation. What she did was horrible and no one deserves to go through what I'm going through. And she also realizes that.

 

yet she won't stop.

 

sorry, thats not love

[Dexter Morgan]

For some clarification, both me and the marriage counselor absolutely agree that my wife should have no contact with this guy. But, I can't control what she wants to do. I'm not going to duct tape her to a chair in our apartment with a gag in her mouth and destroy her cell phone. She's a grown adult and has to make her own decisions.

 

 

so you are just going to have to take it then.

 

 

She clearly said last night in counseling that she is not currently ready to cut all ties with the other guy.

 

and the counselor said what to that exactly?

 

 

Yeah, that absolutely kills me. And I don't know how we can begin to "move on" if she is still making contact. Again, I appreciate the thoughts and oppinions that everyone has, but I'm going to trust the professional who has 12 years experience for right now. We only had one session. This isn't going to get fixed in one hour.

 

I don't think its going to be fixed at all. You are married to a woman that won't cut ties with another man. Even IF she finally cuts ties with another man, you are still married to a woman that doesn't respect you or love you enough to cut him off cold turkey.

 

Basically right now she is telling you, through action, that OM is more important to her than you. If you can live with that, then good luck.

[StarChick]

Marcus, please listen to Dexter and the others. You aren't giving her any consequences for her actions. Right now, she's in La La Land and not thinking clearly. What person in their right mind would openly admit to contact with their affair partner and not expect any retribution?

 

It's time to knock some sense into her. Even though it seems you don't want to, it's time to tell her to to initiate no contact with the OM or get the hell out. Start protecting things financially, just in case she tries to pull a fast one further on down the line. And then just be indifferent to her. Aloof.

 

If and when she shows true remorse and wants to put in the hard work in mending things, (and you still want to work on things) then you can decide on factors that will help build your trust with her again. But you're right. This process can take years and it's exhausting.

 

Just watch out for YOU. We teach people how to treat us and by you not being assertive in demanding more respect, she'll continue to treat you like dirt.

 

Good luck, Marcus. *hugs* So sorry you're going through this.

[freestyle]

1. Make hard copies of all the evidence of her infidelity---texts, phone logs, email, IM, etc. If it comes to divorce, you may need the evidence.She's already demonstrated that she can't be counted upon to tell the truth.

 

2. Stop putting your money into any joint marital accounts, if you have any.

Start a new account of your own if you have to. There's is NO reason you should be helping to fund her infidelity.

 

3. Pack her bags and tell her to go to him, if she's unwilling to cut off contact with him.If she has nowhere to go, that's her problem.

 

4. At this point she really needs a taste of what life will be like if she continues the course she's on.

 

5.Sometimes it takes a really strong wind to blow the affair fog away---then maybe she'll see clearly............

 

MC is completely pointless if she's still in contact with the OM.

 

Kinda like that saying:

 

You can't simultaneously plan for peace and prepare for war....................

 

(or something like that, I might not have quoted that verbatim....You get the jist, though.........)

[seibert253]

It's a simple concept that works well. Worked for me, and worked for many, many of us here.

 

WW doesn't want to end contact with the OM? No problem, help her pack her sh#t and move out.

[Bitterman24/7]

It's a simple concept that works well. Worked for me, and worked for many, many of us here.

 

WW doesn't want to end contact with the OM? No problem, help her pack her sh#t and move out.

 

Exactly. Worked for me also. As soon as I extracted the reason for her talking and sleeping with OM, all of my feelings shut off for her and I did what I needed to do. I understand him wanting this to work, but like I said earlier, the guy is wasting his money on MC while WW is riding OM like a rodeo. He's better off finding someone else who will at least have the decency to not get emotionally intimate with another man and to keep her legs closed. Just hope the guy will at least put his foot down if willing to make it work.

[Gman95670]

For some clarification, both me and the marriage counselor absolutely agree that my wife should have no contact with this guy. But, I can't control what she wants to do. I'm not going to duct tape her to a chair in our apartment with a gag in her mouth and destroy her cell phone. She's a grown adult and has to make her own decisions. She clearly said last night in counseling that she is not currently ready to cut all ties with the other guy. Yeah, that absolutely kills me. And I don't know how we can begin to "move on" if she is still making contact. Again, I appreciate the thoughts and oppinions that everyone has, but I'm going to trust the professional who has 12 years experience for right now. We only had one session. This isn't going to get fixed in one hour.

 

First let me say that I hope everything works out for you in the end. I believe everyone who has gone through a similar experience will tell you that these are some of the toughest times you will ever have to face. The good news is that one day you will be able to look back on this and realize you were not only able to survive, you were able to rebound.

 

However, whether you are able to return to a happy marriage with your current wife is not entirely up to you. She needs to contribute to that effort. Right now it sounds like she is hedging her bets, trying to have the best of both worlds. Until you tell her with some finality to stop all contact with him, she'll continue to pursue a relationship with the other man. In my opinion, the longer she is able to keep the contact going with both of you, the harder it will be for her to fully commit to trying to get your marriage back on track.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would give her very firm and clear instructions. I would mark a day on the calendar and tell her that if she continues to have any contact with the other man on or after that day, then the marriage will end. If she continues, I would pursue legal separation or divorce. She needs to grow up and the most likely way for that to occur is for her to understand that the current situation can not continue indefinitely. You are bending over backwards for her, but if you don't set limits, your efforts are likely to fail.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hope the professional you are using has some real life experience (i.e., has had to personally deal with a cheating spouse and can provide you with information based on real life experience), and will offer you good solid concrete advice.

[GordonDarkfoot]

Marcus,

 

you need to realize that--based on the descriptions you have provided--your M is already over. This decision has been made unilaterally and secretively by your wayward spouse. Whether or not a divorce occurs is a legal technicality, but emotionally, your wife has already left you, even if she currently finds it convenient to be living in the same place with you.

 

There is nothing left of the relationship you thought you had with your wife that can be "saved" even assuming there was anything much there to begin with. Whatever it was that caused your wife to want to marry you is all gone now.

 

The reason people are suggesting to file a divorce is because your options are very limited when one's spouse has chosen to end the relationship, as yours has. As you stated, you cannot tape her to a chair, and wouldn't want to even if you could.

 

So you only have two options: Remain living in the same residence (at least when she's not out boffing the other guy), technically married, in a totally dead relationship; or, doing what is necessary to separate yourself physically and legally from her, so you can move on with your life.

 

Remember: There are no other options. That is not a choice you made; that is the choice she unilaterally imposed on you. If there was any hope or chance (I'm not saying there was) it was totally annihilated when she looked the MC in the eye, in your presence, and said "I'm still in contact with OM." The fact that she wouldn't at least feel the need to lie about still being in contact with the OM, even to the MC, pretty much means you don't even exist in her mental/emotional landscape, because she doesn't even care enough what you think about her--or about you, for that matter--to lie to you about what she's doing anymore.

 

Remember this one primary fact: your M is already over. Whatever you decide to do, even if it is nothing at all, you shouldn't deceive yourself otherwise.

Edited August 5, 2010 by GordonDarkfoot

[jmargel]

I haven't read the other responses on here but in my situation, she had to make a decision and then I had to make one. If she wasn't going to stop all contact with him, then my answer was to walk away, plain and simple. If she chose to stop talking to him then it was upto me whether this marriage was worth saving.

 

The issues go beyond just the cheating. Her lack of remorse and accepting responsibility (which means to stop contact and make you her priority) is a sign that she will do this again.

 

Don't let this effect your own self-worth. She would have done this to anyone she was with. There is no trust in your marriage and the foundation is gone. I believe what you want at this point is resolution, you can't continue living like this wondering what she feels for who.

 

Her loyality should be with you, period. When she continues this affair (which is what she is doing), she is disrespecting you. As long as you tolerate this disrespect she will continue to do it. Why would she change when she doesn't face any consequences?

 

If what you are doing is not working, then do the opposite. Don't talk to her, no more 'I love yous', don't act like everything is ok. Make her uncomfortable, act like you are gaining your confidence back, take off on her.. Don't be around. When she asks what is going on, let her know that you are 'doing some thinking..' Make her wonder, make her think about what she is losing.

 

You're right you can't make her do anything. However you have the right to make decisions based on what she chooses. Let her know this through actions.

[Dexter Morgan]

well we haven't heard from him in a while. so my guess is he has moved to find a site that will tell him what he wants to hear that will justify him staying with her while she refuses to drop the OM.

[lostsunsets]

Dex. You know as well as I that all that has happened is that she was able to negotiate being a cake eater. Some guys just cannot draw a line and would prefer to live a life of disrespect and depression as a cuckold then do what is required to end the affair. He believes that letting another guy have his wife's body and love is preferable to the risk of losing her, never understanding that his actions and lack of respect he has for himself are the very things that enable her to continue. He doesn't realize that though you can have respect without love, you cannot have love without respect. We have seen this played out time and again. Freestyle's list is the only way to enlighten her regarding what consequence is. Well at least they don't have kids (none mentioned). The absolute crusher is when the cheating wife gets her husband to watch the kids while she goes over to the other mans place and lets him lay his pipe in her. "Don't forget to read to the kids. Oh and be sure to kiss them and tell them that mommy loves them"

[Bitterman24/7]

Dex. You know as well as I that all that has happened is that she was able to negotiate being a cake eater. Some guys just cannot draw a line and would prefer to live a life of disrespect and depression as a cuckold then do what is required to end the affair. He believes that letting another guy have his wife's body and love is preferable to the risk of losing her, never understanding that his actions and lack of respect he has for himself are the very things that enable her to continue. He doesn't realize that though you can have respect without love, you cannot have love without respect. We have seen this played out time and again. Freestyle's list is the only way to enlighten her regarding what consequence is. Well at least they don't have kids (none mentioned). The absolute crusher is when the cheating wife gets her husband to watch the kids while she goes over to the other mans place and lets him lay his pipe in her. "Don't forget to read to the kids. Oh and be sure to kiss them and tell them that mommy loves them"

 

This is the same situation that went on with notsoeasy. Even though divorcing my ex-ww made me bitter, I can honestly say that I am in a better place than being with her and that experience made me aware that everything at face value is not what it is. You are right. Some guys just don't know how to draw the line and I feel for them. It hurts me to see our fellow men fall to these disrespectful beings. A wise man once told me that the greatest downfall of man is a woman, but I had to learn for myself and others before and after me. I'm glad i'm not like these men who would rather be servants to their wives.

[LucreziaBorgia]

And I don't know how we can begin to "move on" if she is still making contact.

 

You won't. Your marriage is basically over if she refuses to stop making contact with this guy. If you are waiting for her to stop contacting this guy for altruistic reasons you will be waiting a long, long time.

 

She made her choice: time to make yours - will you choose to have a wife who will have men on the side or will you cut your losses and divorce her?

 

Those are your only choices at this point.

[Darth Vader]

You won't. Your marriage is basically over if she refuses to stop making contact with this guy. If you are waiting for her to stop contacting this guy for altruistic reasons you will be waiting a long, long time.

 

She made her choice: time to make yours - will you choose to have a wife who will have men on the side or will you cut your losses and divorce her?

 

Those are your only choices at this point.

 

If your wife went and screwed another man, buddy, that means she does not love you! DROP HER ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! I mean it! Literally throw her stuff out of the house, her clothes and everything, she doesn't live there anymore, she cheated, she leaves! Make sure that you disclose her affair to everyone, her family, her workplace, yes, call her bosses and this OM's wife NOW, because OM has to feel the pain as well!

 

 

Call the OM's wife NOW! Hire a very good Lawyer and protect your assets!

[Mimolicious]

I want to say that your W may be the reason why this dude is getting a D. He probably got caught and his W ended it.

 

Got here a bit late but some people are crazy! unreal that this guy thinks is ok what his wife is doing. NO BACKBONE! Grow a pair!

Edited August 13, 2010 by Mimolicious

[Lotus Flower]

I'm sorry to say but your wife should know better than to be texting another man 200 times a day!!!! I know that you trust her and I'm sure she hasn;t cheated on you but is sleeping with someone the only form of cheating?! She should be there for her friends but in this case her friend or co worker is a vunerable man on the verge of a break up. I'm sure that he has other friends or family that he can turn rather than a married woman. You have every right to be worried or concerned and your wife should not make you feel bad aout it if you approach her. The fact that she's deleting the messages does not look good either. I mean what do they talk about all day??? if he's heartbroken then wouldn;t it be better if he used that time working it out with his existing partner? or if he's not what is he discussing with your wife. Approach her calmly or ask her if you can borrow her phonw when she least expects it. If she has an attitude or problem with that then maybe you have your answer...don;t accuse her but do ask her what they discuss and that you think she needs to step back from his life as it is really OTT - 200 times a day!!! I'd go mad!! but that never gives you the best result and then you'll never know.

 

Good luck!!

[U2RockZz]

"She tells me she wants to work things out with me"

 

and you believe that...first of all you are out of mind to be with her still....thank your lucky stars for wasting just 2 yrs on cheater.....

 

why wasting your precious money and time on a MC....i would rather spend my time and money on a lawyer....

 

she used to cheat behind your back.....now she is doing it right in front of your eyes....yet you are the one walking on eggshells....wht's wrong with the picture boss

 

there is no point in loving somebody who doesn't give s*** about you....i don't think somebody with a fear of loosing her M or H would still contact her OM right in front of her H....so that is where you stand in her eyes......

 

even if you don't like to hear...i would still say grow a pair and get a D for your own good

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex. You know as well as I that all that has happened is that she was able to negotiate being a cake eater. Some guys just cannot draw a line and would prefer to live a life of disrespect and depression as a cuckold then do what is required to end the affair.

 

oh I know that all too well. I was almost one of those men...scared to death to live without my children on a daily basis.

 

Then I stood up, brushed myself off and said, f### this s##t!

 

No way I could enjoy my children and watching them grow up while I was in a miserable home with an untrustworthy wench.