Should I be worried

[marcusrabino]

Ok so this is the first time I posted anything to this site. My wife of two years has recently become pretty good friends with a male co-worker. They met a few months ago and over the past 2 months they've started to become pretty close. He's married but is currently going through some difficulties with his marriage and may actually be getting divorced. He doesn't have a lot of friends and confides with my wife on a lot of things. For the past two weeks, at least, they have been texting a lot...up to 300 times a day. Probably closer to 200 times a day on average. I've checked our wireless account and they basically start texting the minute my wife wakes up to the minute she goes to bed. I tried once checking her phone for old messages, but they were all deleted. Her phone is basically tied to her hand all day so it's practically impossible to look at it. I want to trust my wife and I do, but there is still a part of me that is worried. I don't want to sound paranoid. Does anyone think I should be worried? Is this a bad early sign?

[Rabican]

Ok so this is the first time I posted anything to this site. My wife of two years has recently become pretty good friends with a male co-worker. They met a few months ago and over the past 2 months they've started to become pretty close. He's married but is currently going through some difficulties with his marriage and may actually be getting divorced. He doesn't have a lot of friends and confides with my wife on a lot of things. For the past two weeks, at least, they have been texting a lot...up to 300 times a day. Probably closer to 200 times a day on average. I've checked our wireless account and they basically start texting the minute my wife wakes up to the minute she goes to bed. I tried once checking her phone for old messages, but they were all deleted. Her phone is basically tied to her hand all day so it's practically impossible to look at it. I want to trust my wife and I do, but there is still a part of me that is worried. I don't want to sound paranoid. Does anyone think I should be worried? Is this a bad early sign?

 

They are sending 200-300 texts a day and you wonder if you should be concerned? I would say yes.

[TinaniT]

I've checked our wireless account and they basically start texting the minute my wife wakes up to the minute she goes to bed. I tried once checking her phone for old messages, but they were all deleted.

 

Oh dear, yes. Not sure it's an early sign because that sounds pretty far in... Sounds like at least a developed emotional affair. Good luck.

[Bryanp]

Two years into the marriage and your wife is doing this? If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so accepting as you seem to be? This is ridiculous. The chances are pretty strong that they are in an affair. A marriage is between two people and not three. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is showing no respect to you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[lostsunsets]

Your wife is carrying on an emotional affair. No doubt. She has bonded with this other guy. If she is erasing texts. They are texts that say things that will make you angry. She now confides in him and not you. Time to act.

[ladydesigner]

Yep definite EA maybe even PA. My A was with a co-worker. Same s**t lots of texting then it went physical. She may think she's in love but it is just fantasyland.

[Secure]

Let her know immediately that you are not comfortable with her behavior. Far too much communication between the two. During my 19 month affair which was emotional and physical, we texted, emailed, and spoke very frequently. I am really surprised you even know about the texts. That's really bold.

[Diamante]

Yes, you should be worried, and this is a woman's point of view.

 

My EA with xMOM started entirely by text and we would text each other all day long. It started first thing in the AM when he would wish me "good morning" and then continued until we both said "good night". Although it didn;t turn into a PA, it came VERY CLOSE before I put the brakes on it.

 

Your wife seems to be embarking on an EA. I had no idea I was doing the same until I was smakc in the middle of it. Until that time, I thought I just had a new great, interesting friend that I could open up to. Little did I know we would fall for each other....

[Diamante]

I will also add that I constantly deleted xMOM texts and all my outgoing ones to him, just in case my F checked my phone.

 

After thinking about the sheer number of texts per day, they are likely already sleeping together,

[Daniel89]

Marcus, there's still ways you can obtain evidence even if she deletes all her texts. This phone spy software is strongly recommended.

 

Once you've received all the evidence you are just going to have to confront her. Keep us updated on your situation.

[Bobby2010]

You're getting the correct responses here, even though you may not like them.

 

I've some questions. Is this a new friend? Do you know him? Do you know he is married?

 

Let's say you don't know him, and you notice your wife is texting him constantly. You confront her, she needs to think of a reason why it is happening. So she says...

 

"He's going through a rough patch with his wife, maybe getting divorced and doesn't have many friends who he can talk to about it" Really?

 

Assuming you don't know him, I doubt he is even married, and that was her first response when you first brought it up. "Oh, he's married".

 

He doesn't have friends to talk to? No family? Horse Shat. She's insulting you at this point. Does she sleep with her phone next to her?

 

Tell her to stop this, now. If she refuses or calls you jealous or some other BS, pack her bags and toss them.

 

200-300 texts a day is mind blowing. Who else but someone you are infatuated with would you send that many mails to?

[jnj express]

Just put a stop to it, and I mean right now----If she doesn't like it, make sure her phone has a midnight accident----really----she is way out of line---plus your mge., should still be in the passionate stage ---why does she have ANY thoughts for any other male----they SHOULD all be for you

 

Be very hard line about this----

[seibert253]

If you don't put the Kibash on this "friendship" right now, you will really regret it later.

 

Judging by the amount of contact, IMO your W if probably at least already engaged in an EA. You need to end it before you get to the point of no return.

[misternoname]

Been there done that. When I became suspicious of my ex wife I cracked into her on line phone bill. She was texting a particular number over and over again. Turned out it was a friend of mine. When I confronted her she played it down as nothing more than a "friendship." A little more detective work on my part revealed a full blown affair.

 

Your situation reeks of dishonesty and most likely adultery. Do yourself a favor and use whatever means possible of discovering the truth. I'm afraid you won't like what you find.

 

Oh, and one other thing. I know this is a controversial topic but I am a firm believer in the concept of "once a cheater always a cheater." My ex had at least 4 affairs that I know of. Each time she would cry and beg and say it would never happen again. I foolishly believed her only to get burned again and again. In hindsight I should have kicked her to the curb years ago...would have saved myself a tremendous amount of heartache!

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok so this is the first time I posted anything to this site. My wife of two years has recently become pretty good friends with a male co-worker. They met a few months ago and over the past 2 months they've started to become pretty close. He's married but is currently going through some difficulties with his marriage and may actually be getting divorced. He doesn't have a lot of friends and confides with my wife on a lot of things. For the past two weeks, at least, they have been texting a lot...up to 300 times a day. Probably closer to 200 times a day on average.

 

sounds like an obsessive infatuation to me.

 

I'd say they are engaged in an affair. I can just see it now, both of them clinging to their little cell phones in anticipation of the next text as if its oxygen to them.

 

 

I've checked our wireless account and they basically start texting the minute my wife wakes up to the minute she goes to bed. I tried once checking her phone for old messages, but they were all deleted. Her phone is basically tied to her hand all day so it's practically impossible to look at it. I want to trust my wife and I do

 

if you trust your wife after what you just told us, then you are being naive.

 

you need to confront her and tell her you do not like her obsessively texting another guy like some pre-teen giddy schoolgirl. And if she thinks its acceptable, then she doesn't need to be a wife any longer.

 

 

I don't want to sound paranoid. Does anyone think I should be worried? Is this a bad early sign?

 

you are not being paranoid. What she is doing is unacceptable, and based on what you told us, I'd bet all the money I have that she is having an affair with him, whether it be emotional, or physical.

 

I'd try to find the time to do some investigation and see if they go to lunch together, etc. Follow her and see what their interaction is.

[sarkandlauren]

2-300 texts per day, EA for sure. That's how mine started, good morning to good night, throughout the day, and IM when we're not texting.

[spriggig]

Oh boy! Just wait till you get to read some of the texts! It's all the "I Love you, babe" and "Kiss kiss" ones that will really stick in your gut.

 

Or, maybe they're just chatting about those Twilight movies.

 

Seriously, I'm sorry.

[marcusrabino]

Ok. I'll try to not make this a book. Let me start off by saying basically everyone was right...my wife was having a complete physical affair for 4 to 6 weeks with this guy. She finally told me last week after lying repeatedly to me. We just had our first session of couples counseling last night, and it just felt...weird. I don't know how to describe it. I feel like I'm living with a roommate, not my wife or best friend.

 

I still love my wife and I know she still loves me. You can't just stop loving someone overnight. I absolutely want to be able to work this out. At first I was real positive about us getting back together, but as every day goes by, I become less positive. I'm just beginning to realize how long this is going to take...weeks, months, years. And it sucks.

 

Oh by the way, my wife and the other guy still have contact. She tells me she wants to work things out with me, but I have such a hard time believing her, especially now. I just really think she's in love with this guy more than me...if she's even IN love with me at all anymore. She's an adult and has to make her own decisions. I can't hold a gun to her head and tell her she can never contact this guy ever again. She knows that I obviously don't want them to have any contact at all, but she can't stop. It's like a drug.

 

I don't really know what I'm looking for right now. I guess I'm interested to read responses from people that went through similar situations. Especially responses from people who were cheated on, and were still able to successfully work things out with their spouse. Just be honest. Please no responses telling me to "grow some balls and throw her to the curb". Seriously. If you honestly love someone, I don't know how you can do that right away. I'm not trying to make light of the situation. What she did was horrible and no one deserves to go through what I'm going through. And she also realizes that.

 

I guess that's it. I could write pages if I really wanted to and it's hard not to. So yeah, would appreciate any insight, but just please be respectful.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you but please look at the situation. You have been married only 2 years and she has been screwing her lover for a month and half and putting your health at risk for STD's. She continues to stay in contact with her lover. She has constantly texted him in front of you. You say she loves you. If she loves you why would she be totally humiliating, disrespecting and playing you for a total fool. You have been married only 2 years!!!! See an attorney to understand your options. She has totally destroyed your trust and respect for her. How much more humiliation are you willing to endure? Her actions indicate that she has very little respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You both need to get tested for STD's now. Two years into the marriage and you have to get tested for STD's. What is wrong with this picture???

[RobD70]

As long as she has any feelings for the OM then you don't have a marriage. Being civil with her is enabling her.

 

I've been through this and did the "try to work things out" route and in hindsight that was not the best option. What works is the tough love approach which in this case is forcing the consequences on her.

 

Whether you end up going through it or not, you should immediately file for a divorce. Filing doesn't really mean anything since in most states you have to wait a couple of months before you can do take it to the next step anyway BUT it will send her a strong message that you take this seriously. Many people make the mistake of being too soft with them when they first find out about the A and end up making things worse.

 

Expose the A and let her know you are not waiting for her to make up her mind, you are taking things in your own hands and moving forward. If she really cares about you she will try to stop you.

 

I've seen (and experienced myself) that people when the BS files or at least pushes for a divorce because of an A, there chances of reconciliation where much, much higher that the ones that tries to wait them out. I still have my petition for divorce in my bedroom even though it expired some time ago. My W hates that I hang on to it lol.

 

This is going to feel like the worst thing that ever happened to you but try not to let your feelings keep you from doing the right thing and protect yourself.

 

ETA: Regardless of what I said, you really should divorce her for good and move on. She's a slut and she isn't going to stop sleeping with him anytime soon...plus she end up doing it again.

Edited August 4, 2010 by RobD70

[Gfkr2]

This is exactly what happend with my WW who began and EA and within months became an full out secret PA (we are getting a divorce). As others have said here, it looks like they have bonded which is an open invitation for an all out lustful A. She will never be 100% committed to you once she has tasted the forbidden fruit of infidelity. If you are thinking of reconsiliation, you must find a way to deal with the emotional pain of betrayal and the thought of her banging and enjoying sex with another man.

 

You would be wise to confront her and demand full disclosure. Why do yo u say you can't ask her not to see him? That is a most reasonable request given SHE CHEATED in your M, and deliberately lied to cover up th truth. You deserve answers. You have done nothing wrong to deserve her having an A. Would she be so forginving or you had the roles been reversed?

 

Give yourself some time and do rush into reconsiliation for your sake. Good luck

Edited August 4, 2010 by Gfkr2

[Minnie09]

If you think you can't demand NC between W and OM, you're wrong. You have to. I'm assuming you're afraid of her reaction (dumping you), as you still seem very attached to her.

 

Usually, when you have MC after an affair, the MC says that NC, not initiating contact, and full transparency are essential. Didn't your MC suggest that? If not, I'm surprised and I would question the quality of your MC sessions. If yes, what was her reaction?

[marcusrabino]

For some clarification, both me and the marriage counselor absolutely agree that my wife should have no contact with this guy. But, I can't control what she wants to do. I'm not going to duct tape her to a chair in our apartment with a gag in her mouth and destroy her cell phone. She's a grown adult and has to make her own decisions. She clearly said last night in counseling that she is not currently ready to cut all ties with the other guy. Yeah, that absolutely kills me. And I don't know how we can begin to "move on" if she is still making contact. Again, I appreciate the thoughts and oppinions that everyone has, but I'm going to trust the professional who has 12 years experience for right now. We only had one session. This isn't going to get fixed in one hour.

[Bryanp]

You have got to be kidding me. She is not ready to cut contact with her lover but she remains married and living with you. Remember this saying: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

 

Let's say the roles were reversed and you have been screwing your female lover for the past 2 months and then you told your wife that you are simply not ready to cut contact with your lover now. Do you actually believe your wife would say to you: O.K. honey. I believe in our marriage counselor who has 12 years of experience. Do what you have to do?

 

NO CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS EQUALS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE.

 

Nobody my friend respects a doormat. She now knows that she can lie to your face, screw her lover behind your back for almost 2 months, refuse to cut contact with her lover and you will accept all of these actions without consequences. How great for her that she can have a lover and a husband at the same time and the husband makes no demands on her. What is wrong with this picture? What do you think this means for the future.

 

NO CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS EQUALS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE.

[Church Bells]

marcus,

 

Let me offer you a nugget of advice that I picked up from an online forum (might have even been here at LS). It is applicable to all situations, but especially in BH/WW scenarios:

 

"Never kiss the ass that is shi!ting on you"