Well, this was an interesting break up.... :/

[DontWorryBHappy]

So I had been going out with a guy for almost 2 months (he had asked me to be his girlfriend after about 3 weeks). The relationship had been going really well. We were very intensely physically attracted to each other and definitely had an emotional chemistry that I couldn't put my finger on (but it was nice). He was a very busy guy who was very intent on achieving his engineering degree. That's something I always liked about him because he definitely wasn't clingy and I really liked that he had clear goals. I'm also a very busy person with extremely important goals of my own, so we matched in that area. I always gave him plenty of space.... There actually was not one single time that I ever asked to spend time with him during the entire period I knew him. If we spent time together it was because he asked me if we could.... and he was always the first one to ask me to stay just a little bit longer. So after our initial first few dates (after becoming a couple) a lot of time I wouldn't hear from him until later in the day (maybe around 9-11pm) and then at that point we would talk for a while either online, over text, or on the phone. He initiated conversations about 80% of the time and I filled in the last 20% or so.

 

Anyway, he decided to go home this past weekend to visit his family before they leave on a trip... and suddenly, completely out of the blue, he stopped talking to me cold over about 3 days. On the second day of the silence I decided to initiate conversation with him and he seemed very normal, except that it appeared he was only talking when being spoken to. The next day (the third day) he didn't talk to me once again. I didn't want to bring it up but something told me there was a problem, because just before this silence he was noticeably affectionate and now that had gone away. So... I brought it up and he told me he was going through "his moment." I asked him what that meant and he said it's just when he thinks a lot about his life and whether it's going in the right direction. Very vague indeed.

 

Well, I told him immediately that if it was about me to please come out with it, but if it wasn't about me I hoped he was alright. He then admitted that it was about me. He said one of his good friends called him and told him that he had changed recently... that he used to always be studying and now he just doesn't have the same focus. He said he had lied to himself about being able to do more than just school (as in, have a relationship). I asked if this was code for wanting to break up. He dodged that question at first but finally said he "couldn't do it" after a tad more questioning for the truth. He told me that he's starting to fail tests which he hates... and he threw in that he hopes we can try this relationship again later because he really likes me.

 

I simply told him ok, said goodbye and wished him well. Then all of a sudden he panicked. He first sent me a text saying he hoped I didn't hate him. Then he sent one wanting to talk. Then he sent one asking how long it will take him to get a reply. Then I had a missed IM on my computer, a "poke" on facebook, and a missed phone call. Finally I told him to please not make it any harder... said to him that I thought we had potential but clearly he needs to work himself out. Then he opened up to me about how he was raised in severe poverty so succeeding in school is the most important thing in the world to him. I told him I can relate about having an intense need to achieve goals and told him he needs to live his life in the way he wants, but said I'm a person of integrity and wouldnt ever try to sway his decision. At that he thanked me for talking with him and told me to have a good night.

 

So... the whole thing threw me for a loop. We went from having a great time together to being broken up after 3 days of weirdness that wasnt caused by anything except whatever was going on in his head. It's hard for me to be too sad because I really dont think I did anything wrong. Interestingly, he deleted his online dating profile right after the break up... when he had left it up during the whole relationship (I didnt mention anything about that since I could see he was not logging into the site). But I guess the fact that he deleted it lets me know he was telling the truth about his reasons for breaking up...

 

Anyone else experienced a break up like this?

Edited July 13, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy

[vestigalvirgin]

His wife caught him.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Lol, hush. He lives in an apartment with a random roommate (a dude). *eyeroll*

[slownumbers81]

It sounds complicated. It sounds like he thinks a lot and is scared of relationships like me Who knows, there could be a million different reasons in addition to the one he told you about. He may even be depressed. Whatever the case you definitely shouldn't take it personally, and that's good that you aren't. Hopefully you can just take it as a learning experience and enjoy the time you had together.

[lotus118]

I think it is his fault for starting to fail his tests and lose focus in school and because he didn't want to admit to himself that maybe he's not as intelligent as he thought he was or hard working or flat out sucks at time management (most likely the issue) he pinned the blame on you. I am so sorry you're going through this sweetheart. I just had a bad breakup yesterday myself.

 

How are you holding up and do you think you will give him a chance in the future? IMO, what he did to you was unfair.

[Lucky555]

He sounds like a coward. He sounds like he wanted to have the benefits but not the relationship. I think he was a coward for not saying anything. Sounds like he knew he woe bail but he tried to be a nice guy so you don't slash his tires for wasting your time and him using you. If he really was a sincere

Guy he would have have said something but sound

Like he wAnted something and played his cards. Guy probably will be busy but he could have def had time for a relationship In engineering

School. Dumb excuse. Plenty of people lead busy lives heck

I'm some instances the partners are away at work for long

Periods of time and have kids.. They still

Manage to make time. Guy is a big coward and

Loser! Don't hate me? That's his way of saying

I know I used you please don't

Key my car or talk bad about

Me so other girls find out! Glad you got rid of him!

[DontWorryBHappy]

I don't know... the whole thing is just a little off to me. I'm trying to figure out if he just didn't like me that much or if he really is just a very confused guy. Part of me feels like it can't be the first reason because up until those 3 days of weirdness he was always very attentive and affectionate and was talking to me every day. This really did just come out of NOWHERE it seems.

 

I'm holding up ok... I can't really blame myself because I gave him LOTS of space.... Never asked to hang out or wanted more time from him, and he initiated most of the communication. His reasoning was that since he was in a relationship with me he couldn't focus enough on school because he "can only do one thing at a time." Lol....

 

I feel like if this was meant to be he wouldve made it work... but what do I know. I'm not giving any thought to a future with him if he decides to contact me anymore. He *said* he thought maybe we could try again later but I avoided commenting on that. He needs to work himself out before he can be with anyone :/.

[DontWorryBHappy]

He wanted me back in just over 24 hours. Told him I'd talk to him but can't offer a relationship right now.

[blueberries]

i'm thinking it may have something to do with his family...if he's the type of person who values education and family etc, his parents probably asked him how he was doing in school...and after he told them he was failing, they probably scolded him and lectured him on the importance of education, and that relationships and pleasure can wait, afterall, love doesn't keep your belly full or a roof over your head. maybe then he felt guilty about the relationship and not spending enough time studying, so he become confused and distant not sure of what he needs to do...i can relate to that, because that's happened to me before...i have a hard time balancing work and leisure.

 

my guess is that he really does like you from your description and from my life experience. this has nothing to do with you, but more on him...he needs to learn to keep a balanced life. i'm sorry if you're going through a tough time, you sound like you've got a solid head on your shoulders.

 

i'm pretty sure i didn't answer any questions but i just thought i'd add my 2 cents lol. good luck

[nihilanth100]

He needs to get his act together before being in a relationship. Ive been there and its incredibly hard to pursue an engineering degree while being in a relationship. You did everything you could by giving him space and not inviting him to hang out etc. I don't think any wrong decisions were made, its just unfortunate that this is how it had to be.

 

My ex was the clingy type that always wanted to hang out and it put a lot of undue stress on me. However, it was nice having her support. Still, I don't think she truly understood how much stress I was under throughout the year and she would throw "fits" as to why I was tired or didn't want to hang out a particular night. I wish she was more like you! Heh I however stuck through with it and I don't regret it.

 

So I think you are correct in wanting to move on and not continue a relationship. You should find someone willing to mold and handle their schedule to compliment you into their life. I do feel for him though as I can't stress enough that it is truly hard to find time or have energy for a relationship. I think all the negativity is kind of unreasonable (in the other posts). The only thing I think he could be considered to have done wrong is having a slightly selfish reason for breaking up.

 

So yea, if there are no hidden details and the such, I agree with you!

[DontWorryBHappy]

I do feel for him too, because my gut feeling is telling me that everything he's saying is genuine and he DOES really like me. That's why I'm not cutting him out completely..... but at the same time I of course need to look out for myself and make sure I'll be with someone who is stable in the way they approach the relationship (as in, not breaking it off quickly then wanting to get back within a day). If I were to go back to him right away that would seem very rushed/fake/highschool-ish to me. I still like him so I'm not writing him off, but I need to see how he acts for a while before I make any decisions... and I could use this as a time to get to know him on a deeper level without the physical stuff getting in the way. If he's serious about me he'll be willing to do that. And of course at the same time I'm remembering I'm a single girl at the moment and am keeping my options open .

[xpaperxcutx]

I do feel for him too, because my gut feeling is telling me that everything he's saying is genuine and he DOES really like me. That's why I'm not cutting him out completely..... but at the same time I of course need to look out for myself and make sure I'll be with someone who is stable in the way they approach the relationship (as in, not breaking it off quickly then wanting to get back within a day). If I were to go back to him right away that would seem very rushed/fake/highschool-ish to me. I still like him so I'm not writing him off, but I need to see how he acts for a while before I make any decisions... and I could use this as a time to get to know him on a deeper level without the physical stuff getting in the way. If he's serious about me he'll be willing to do that. And of course at the same time I'm remembering I'm a single girl at the moment and am keeping my options open .

 

Good for you.

 

A guy like him whom doesn't know what he wants is better off just being by himself. You sound an awesome girl that he'd missed out on. You should let him regret it, while you do your thing.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Well today my tough girl cards collapsed a little bit and I got emotional about it. I guess suddenly after a couple days I really realized it was over and felt a real sense of loss. Alas, I'm human and I got hurt...

 

Anyway, I talked to him for a little bit over text. He told me how he was depressed because he got another bad grade on a test and I told him about a couple depressing things going on for me too... We were both a little melancholy. Then unfortunately I mentioned that I missed him today (yeah I know..). He said he hopes we'll start hanging out in time, but he agrees we need to get to know each other more. I immediately interpret this to mean: "I realized this break up maybe isn't so bad and we probably won't actually hang out...". I told him even if this is the last of it, I really had fun and enjoyed it while it lasted. He said he enjoyed it too and even if we don't get back with each other I can still come by and play video games with him. I interpret this to mean: "I'm either utterly confused or I don't have a strong feeling that I'll want to resume this relationship, and by bringing up the video games I'm smoothing things over nicely." How am I doing with my interpretations?

 

At one point a little tiny bit of anger came out even though I wouldnt normally display that.... but I said, "I wish you wouldn'tve gave up like that but I guess there was a reason." To that he says he's not too smart... but he's "gotta make it, no other option." Meaning, make it as an engineer. I interpret this to mean that he isn't sure whether he's capable of making a girlfriend (or at least not me) a priority while he's in school. I told him that I guess he needs to decide if he wants someone in his life while he's trying to "make it" and he said he hopes i'm around and "not with some lucky guy". I tell him definitely no promises there, and say goodnight.

 

You know one thing that I notice about guys? If something is wrong, you'll notice tiny differences in the way they text which indicates that their feelings have changed. I put that in bold because I think it's so true and fascinating. With my previous ex, right before he broke up with me he started greeting me with "Hey you." I became "you" instead of "babycakes". And now with this guy he's started saying "lol". He's never texted "lol" before and now suddenly it's appearing in more than one text. Annoying as hell but I strongly believe these tiny differences are huge indications that things are in fact very different.

 

Anyway, after tonight's conversation my gut feeling is telling me that any attempt at further communication with him would be a grand waste of my time. It appears to me that he panicked within the first 24 hours after the breakup (when he wanted me back) but bounced back very quickly and now isn't showing a huge desire to resume a relationship with me. I told myself that if this guy really liked me and really wanted to be with me, he would go above and beyond to try and win me back... After all, I put the offer for him to get to know me on a deeper level on the table for him. So far he isn't doing that, so I'm assuming communication with him will simply die off. I'm not sure what the likelihood is that he'll text me again. Probably fairly high, because I have a feeling he won't truly realize what he lost until a bit more time goes by. THAT is when I'll hear from him... And this probably shouldn't be of my concern.. but if things didn't work out with me (one of the most non-clingy girls you'll meet) I can't imagine he'll have much more success with other girls... The guy just comes with a lot of baggage and he doesn't quite know how to deal with things.

 

So my game plan is to forget about him and focus purely on myself. I've deleted him from my phone so I'm not tempted to text him when I get into one of those down moments. (This REALLY helped in my last break up. I had deleted his number, and I can recall one time where I felt so low that I tore up my room trying to find a piece of paper that had the number written on it. I never did find that paper, and never did hear from him again).

 

To conclude I will now compile a list of bad things about him, to make myself feel better:

 

- He does not floss.

- He hangs out with his ex's mom. (Yeah, I'm serious. They go shopping for groceries and she calls him and crap. Oh, and his ex cheated on him).

- He listens to Jamaican music that talks about murdering gay people.

- He doesn't respect gay people.

- He's really bad dealing with things (as in, breaking up swiftly then changing his mind).

- He doesn't like cheese. WTF?

- He doesn't understand foreplay.... doesn't get how to give a massage and generally is a little closed minded about sex.

- HE DOESN'T GIVE ORAL.

 

There's probably more but I'll stop there. I'm still sad about it but I guess it's out of my hands. One thing I wonder is whether this ended because we moved too fast, or if it was destined to end anyway. I mean I waited until he asked me to be his girlfriend before I slept with him (3 weeks) but maybe that was still too soon. Or maybe he's just messed up. Thanks for listening.

[torranceshipman]

Ok so I have experienced a guy like this once before. He is a bit strange. I think he is a player, regardless of what he says. He needs your attention but doesn't want commitment, which is why he ended it after a few weeks, then shut you out, but then got clingy for your attention when you looked like you were going to stop talking to him (he is an attention seeker and his ego will die off if he knows you can get over him quickly!). I am sure he wants to keep hearing sad little messages from you so he feels more desirable. Then when he does he makes sure he pushes you away a little bit (keeps him in control) but if you then acted like you didn't give a crap I bet anything that he would start getting in touch with you a whole lot more again (for attention, to get you reeled in again, and then when you show interest, he withdraws, etc).

 

Stay away!

[flying]

I'm sad for you that it ended this way, but you sound like a very even-keeled, cool person and I have no doubt you'll find someone better suited to you! I know it's probably impossible not to second-guess yourself but hopefully you can keep that to a minimum, because I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong here.

 

- He doesn't like cheese. WTF?

 

 

But this one is the true dealbreaker:

 

- HE DOESN'T GIVE ORAL.

 

Harrumph. Good riddance.

[O'Malley]

He does not floss.

HE DOESN'T GIVE ORAL

.

 

Those two actually successfully cancel each other out.

 

There's not much more you can do but disengage from him completely. He wants a buddy to hang out with, not a relationship, and there's no where to go with this.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Lol you guys are awesome. Well yesterday I deleted his number from my phone so now any lingering temptation to get in touch with him is eliminated. I guess in the end I shouldn't waste my energy trying to figure him out. My gut tells me I'm better off..... Thanks for listening guys!