HurtDoesntGoAway Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I’m hoping someone has advice that can help me out. Here is my long suffering story My wife and I are the best of friends and we love each other dearly. We have now been married for well over 20 years. We have 2 wonderful children and what many others consider to be a great life. When we were first dating she was still in a relationship that was slowing coming to an end. She had been seeing the same guy all through high school and into college. He took the military path and was stationed overseas while she went to college. While he was away their contact was limited to letters and a few phone calls that grew increasingly infrequent. Please understand this was well before the Internet, texting, email, etc. She told me they started growing apart because of the lack of communication. All together they were seeing each other for 7 years. In the beginning of our relationship she told me she would be visiting him overseas in a few months to see where they stood. When he was being sent overseas he thought it best if they were in a more “open” relationship. So, if either met another person they were permitted to see where it would go. They had both dated several people they met while under this arrangement. She was very upfront with me concerning her relationship. I tried to just forget there was another person involved with her. I didn’t bring it up and she seemed to leave it alone. He was never part of our conversations, almost to the extent that he didn’t exist anymore. She was the one reading his letters or taking his calls. “Out of sight, out of mind” seemed to hold true for me on this subject. We hit it off from the start; we had a lot in common and really enjoyed each other’s company. A couple of months into our dating she asked me about our relationship. “What was our situation?” We talked about it and we decided we were a couple. I knew that was what I wanted and she happily agreed. Since both of us wanted to be a couple I thought it also meant being “exclusive” or so I thought. Then her overseas trip came. Before she went we talked about it, she felt they had dated so long that she owed him a face to face to see where they stood. She also felt sorry for him since he was alone overseas and had no one to confide in. She would never send a Dear John letter to anyone. Off she went and off I went to obsess over her trip. We never spoke about any ground rules since I thought we were a couple. I thought and hoped she would go over, visit with him, see some of the local sights, have some good food and end their relationship. Upon her return I found that nothing had been decided. They had not officially broken it off. She felt she couldn’t do that to him at that time. I also found that she had been intimate with him several times while there. That has been the hardest part for me. I assumed when she went over it would be to end the relationship, not to sleep with him. I had been faithful since we decided we were a couple. She later said it never crossed her mind that she shouldn’t or couldn’t be intimate with him while there. It was just part of their relationship. Wow, that shook me up pretty good. I have felt like a dupe for years because of this. I was so naïve to think sex wouldn’t be part of her visit. They say time heals all wounds. I’m not sure who they are and if they were ever the one on the receiving end of the pain. I thought I was able to get past it before we were married but I must have just buried it deep. I have always trusted and loved her. I understood her going over to see him but I just can’t reconcile with her sleeping with him. The few times we have spoken about what happened she has apologized for hurting me but she has never said what she did was wrong. She claims she was young and naïve. She says they had a long and complicated history. Are there any allowable excuses for that behavior? Every few years my mind gets fixated on this. It takes me weeks or sometimes months to get past it. It’s like an OCD thing where my mind just races on and on. I’m not sure why she feels it was ok for her to step outside our bonds but if I strayed it would have been wrong. Does going out for 7 years allow someone to excuse their actions? Am I missing something from her side of this? Although people see us as this perfect happy couple they do not see the pain I have felt over the years. The pain comes and goes but it never leaves completely. What makes it worse is my wife doesn’t seem to understand how I feel when I get into one of those down periods. She feels it was so long ago and she had a history with him. That she told me about him early on in our relationship and I should understand. I have seen others with similar fidelity issues told, “get over it”, “it was so long ago”, “you now have her and she loves you”, “her past is what made her what she is today”, etc. Those words do not seem to make my pain go away. Is there anything that anyone can say or tell me to make it go away forever? To finish the story, the overseas boyfriend eventually realized it was over. He sent her a Dear Jane letter a few months later. When she told me about the letter she was extremely broken up. All I could hear her say was “we were together for so long”, “it was complicated”. I loved her so much I buried those words deep and went on. We were married a few years later and have had a great marriage except for the occasional flare-ups concerning what I consider to be her one time infidelity. That’s what I see it as, she pretty much ignores it. Any advice or insights would be appreciated. I’m in one of those down periods where it has really been bothering me. It’s almost like I have the devil and angel on my shoulders. The angel says “love her for who she is” and the devil says “go and do something to hurt her”. Thank God the angel has always won out.
califnan Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Yes. Yours looks like an easy one.. Your wife was responsible to you - after she was married to you, and repeated the marriage vows - not before.. If you are lucky enough to have a closed happy marriage - you are lucky enough ..
lkjh Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Yes. Yours looks like an easy one.. Your wife was responsible to you - after she was married to you, and repeated the marriage vows - not before.. If you are lucky enough to have a closed happy marriage - you are lucky enough .. Way to completely over looked the problem and just throw out the "get over it". Obviously there are times when he is not in a happy marriage OP, I dont think its just the cheating that is hurting you. I think apart of your problem is that you feel like her second choice, you feel like she defaulted in picking you just because the other guy broke up with her. This would bother anyone, male or female. Why dont you re-write this post as a letter and give it to her She has to except responsibility for stringing you along. Also, you have to really initiate the conversation about this problem. Not just mention it. Go to MC if you need to; but learn to talk to communicate with your wife.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Any advice or insights would be appreciated. I’m in one of those down periods where it has really been bothering me. It’s almost like I have the devil and angel on my shoulders. The angel says “love her for who she is” and the devil says “go and do something to hurt her”. Thank God the angel has always won out. Have you ever told her how you feel about all this? The bottom line is that she broke your relationship when she did this... and has yet to put forth the effort to fix it.... so it won't heal. You need to sit her down and forcefully explain to her that you love her, that this still bothers you, and that you EXPECT her to come up with some way of fixing it. If she can't/won't.... then you know she doesn't love you.
califnan Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Way to completely over looked the problem and just throw out the "get over it". Obviously there are times when he is not in a happy marriage OP, I dont think its just the cheating that is hurting you. I think apart of your problem is that you feel like her second choice, you feel like she defaulted in picking you just because the other guy broke up with her. This would bother anyone, male or female. Why dont you re-write this post as a letter and give it to her She has to except responsibility for stringing you along. Also, you have to really initiate the conversation about this problem. Not just mention it. Go to MC if you need to; but learn to talk to communicate with your wife. ---------------------- You put words in my mouth ... I never said the words "get over it".. Just because of the way things happened, we don't know that the OP was her second choice.. I hold a lot of importance in marriage. Her having sex with another while they were courting, isn't as important as if she had betrayed the marriage.. Apparently he has brought it up to her during the marriage so she is quite aware of his feelings - but cannot do anything about it Now.... They have been married for TWENTY years .. A long time for grieving over what happened before the marriage..
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Realistically, this was 20 years ago and I, for one, would grow tired of it continuously coming up. If she did something wrong (and perhaps she did) once you make a choice to forgive, it is up to the forgiver as well to do work to get past the issue. So what work have you done to put this issue behind you? ... The guy has lived with it for 20 years, don't you think he has given it a shot already? The true question is... What has she done to help him get over it? I'm guessing that it's nothing, because she assumes it isn't a big deal... and he has never talked to her about it.
califnan Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 UF, Don't make me read the original post a third time.. He has too talked to her about it .. It's not a big deal to her because it was Twentytwo years ago. .. and perhaps it was Never a big deal to her..
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 UF, Don't make me read the original post a third time.. He has too talked to her about it .. It's not a big deal to her because it was Twentytwo years ago. .. and perhaps it was Never a big deal to her.. Guh... I did re-read it... and I'm not seeing it. I'm just going to trust your correct.
jnj express Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Hey Hurt----I understand you are bothered at times by what happened----Maybe it hits you at mid life crisis points etc., etc. Way back in the beginning----you WERE in 2nd place----this guy was her 1st true love, and she would have dumped you even back then, had he said the word-----Way back then you had no chance---even if you were going with her in a young relationship She never hid anything from you---from the git-go you knew she was going----- You have no leg to stand on cuz----you never tried to stop her, and you never discussed any boundaries You have since that occassion long ago been blessed with a solid mge., with a wife who has not cheated, and who has been there for you It is time to write yourself a letter, get everything out of your system in the letter, put it in a bottle, dig a hole in your yard and bury it once and for all
Scrivdog Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 That's a tough one. Sounds like she just had a hard time letting go. In all fairness, early in your relationship she hadn't had the time to develop the deep attachment to you that it took years for her to develop with the first guy. I just think it's maybe asking a bit much from her to keep apologizing for something that was going on in the beginning of a relationship. Especially since you were in the process of taking her away from her boyfriend. Unless she was already disgusted with him, the process of taking someone away is generally a gradual process. Add to that the immaturity of youth, and you get some stupid rationlizations like she gave you. Unless she tried to get a hold of him since your marriage - she probably wouldn't give him the time of day today. Sure she was conflicted, but she did choose you. I think what you need is to hear her say that she's so glad she's with you and not with this guy. That you're the love of her life. Do you have any reason to believe otherwise?
Iconoclast Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Mr. Hurt. Here is the problem. I do understand your hurt. It is awful. But you forgave her. You forgave her when you exchanged vows. That's a warts and all deal right there. I can see how this would hurt you, but I think that she is somewhat justified in not thinking it's a big deal. On the other hand, you'd think she could pitch in a little and help you through this. Kinda cold to leave you hanging like this. You're probably sick of trying to talk this out but, there is no other solution. You should both attend counseling together about this and work it out. You need and deserve some relief. Approach her with kindness and love, and ask her if she would help you to get beyond this.
spriggig Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 (edited) We never spoke about any ground rules since I thought we were a couple.So, obviously you see on an intellectual level why you don't really have a leg to stand on here. But, that doesn't stop the occasional funk. You have to do something different to get different results. You know what doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is called. So YOU have make a change in your behavior and thoughts. The usual advice for reconciling after an affair is that the wayward spouse, that would be your wife in this scenario, reveals all the details of the "affair" to the betrayed spouse--you. I have a feeling you haven't heard the details of her trip or of their intimate encounters. Just that they were "intimate". The reason you need to hear the details is so you're fighting a known enemy--right now, you're probably fighting your own imagination and there a no limits to the power of an imaginary enemy. You can kill this beast with a bright light that shows how mundane and dull it really is. Really, this is all the proof you should need: she married YOU, not him. That is not to be taken lightly--she didn't take her decision to marry you lightly. In spite of their "seven year history", how good could it have been if she ended up with you and has stuck with you, faithfully all these years? I know you think of this on occasion. Think of it more than just occasionally, and repeat it--out loud if you must--to drown out the battle with the "affair" memories. This is the best I have to offer, I hope it helps a little. Good luck. Edited July 14, 2010 by spriggig
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