LeafLady84 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 My husband doesn't seem to know who he is or what he's made of and I feel I am constantly needing to encourage him or talk through issues with him. This has started to really affect our relationship and I don't see him the same way as in the beginning of our relationship. He is unable to make any sort of decisions on his own and just expects everything to be handed to him fairly easily. I am just about ready to give up on our marriage but he's my best friend and I'm not sure I would be doing the right thing. I just don't love him the way a wife should, it's now just a friend/platonic love. I feel sorry for him but I feel it's time for me to move on and find a better life for myself. I think I deserve to have a relationship with a man who is just as sure of themselves as I am!
vestigalvirgin Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 By all means if you are through with this marriage then absolutely you should move on and find someone new. The big mistake that a lot of people in your position seem to make is that they find someone new (have an affair) prior to getting divorced, rather than getting divorced, first.
carhill Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Don't be a therapist; hire a professional. If he won't go, either to IC or MC, and, tangentially, to a MD to get a thorough physical, hire another professional, a lawyer, to get you out of this rocket ship heading for a smoking hole in the desert. If -84 indicates your age (26), then you're young and both of you are still growing and maturing. The 20's is big for that. It's easy to say 'get out', but someone got you into this and you owe it to that person (you) to give it your best shot before moving on. How long married? Children? Welcome to LS BTW, the prior poster is right. Don't cheat. I did, even though not sexually, and that reality lives with me every day. Make a different choice.
Author LeafLady84 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I have already been tempted to go outside the marriage. I know it's wrong and I have more integrity than that but I am at that point. I don't respect him as an adult/man. I can't see having children with him when I see him as a little boy. Still I'm torn because he is a sweet guy and we are good friends and I don't necessarily like the idea of being alone. Is that a reason to stay with someone? I don't think so. I know I would be fine on my own and would have the opportunity to live and experience new things.
Author LeafLady84 Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 We've been together for 8 years since the very end of high school. No kids. We've already done a lot of growing together, but I've grown leaps and bounds as a person more than he has. He still has a very poor sense of self. I feel I need to remind him who he is or at least encourage him to think about it so he doesn't keep desperately wandering aimlessly not thinking about what's best for himself. I know that's not my job. I've pleaded with him to talk to a therapist but he says it won't help, that he doesn't need to talk about it, he just needs to get a job that pays more money and that will make him happy. Then I tell him money is not what makes people happy and then we just go around in circles and don't get anywhere. I don't think I ever get through to him. I will bring MC up to him, if not IC for him.
carhill Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I don't necessarily like the idea of being alone. Is that a reason to stay with someone? I don't think so. This is a common statement made by married women to myself over the years when they've sought out my particular brand of companionship. TBH, examining the underlying reasons for considering it would be worthwhile, IMO. I've pleaded with him to talk to a therapist but he says it won't help, that he doesn't need to talk about it, he just needs to get a job that pays more money and that will make him happy. Ask him a simple question, 'why?' Listen. Listening and really hearing were two aspects I had to work on in the 14 months of MC we went through. The M didn't survive (divorce is about finished up now) but we hear each other now and communicate better and it has helped the divorce process go more smoothly. I'd suggest, even if he won't cooperate, making and attending an appointment with a MC. This will demonstrate your willingness to work *with* him and it's then *his* choice whether or not to respond positively to that. Actions. He'll make the choice not to work on the M and to D. He'll own that choice. IME, this process can help with the emotional content of a divorce. Even when both partners don't 'love' each other anymore, it's still not easy, not by any stretch. Don't let anyone tell you different. Think carefully about your next steps. I wish you well
spriggig Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I'm a BS (betrayed spouse, my wife cheated). If I were significantly less mentally or physically healthy than I was at the time I discovered the affair, I might very well have ended up dead. Either by heart attack or my own hand, the stress was far and away the worst thing I've ever experienced and I've contemplated suicide several times since D-Day--the way I quelled those thoughts was by focusing on my son. Considering the mental state you describe for your husband, cheating might have dire consequences for you both. There is never a good reason to cheat. But, in this case, I think there is a very good reason not to cheat as well.
choosinghappiness Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Hi LeafLady, I'm fairly new to LS and going through something very similar, my problem is in the bedroom though. I think you should be very careful with how you proceed. Please don't cheat - you will just regret it. You should make sure that you did all you could before ending your relationship, but if he won't get the help that he obviuosly needs then you need to just rip that bandaid off. Take it from someone who knows, torturously peeling that bandaid slowly is far more painful. Good luck, down whatever path you choose to take!
jenifer1972 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 My ex was just like this. I tried for years to help him, bolster him up, and ended up enabling his inability to grow up or take responsibility for himself and he never changed. I think it is a fixed personality trait. Then when we divorced, he sued for more than half of everything plus alimony.. You can't feel romantic with a man who acts emotionally like a child, nor can you feel romantic about someone who constantly puts you in a therapist role. But don't have an affair. That is two wrongs which will never add up to a right.
Author LeafLady84 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Jennifer1972, That is so true that I can't feel romantic towards someone who acts emotionally like a child. I didn't ever think of it that way. I know I would never cheat; I know I would regret it. It was just a fleeting thought and I feel I have been held back as a woman to express my sexuality with a man. I just don't have that with my husband since he's been acting so childish and helpless for so long. He said he would go to an IC, but he's known to say things just to make me happy then not follow through with it because it didn't come from him. I know I can't make him go get help. If he doesn't I don't know how long I should stay in this unfulfilling relationship.
choosinghappiness Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I couldn't agree more - you can't keep putting yourself through that if he won't actually go and get help. I too am struggling with the whole "how long do I wait to see if this will work out" thing. You are not alone.
Author LeafLady84 Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Choosinghappiness, Thanks for the support... it's a beyond frustrating situation and I can't believe I let myself get into this situation. All that matters now is the future and I know I need to make a change. Seems like we have to wait until we absolutely know we won't regret our decision to leave and that nobody else can tell us when we've reached that point.
Author LeafLady84 Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) I've taken a step back from my relationship with my husband since my first posting. I know I can't try to fix my husband's low self esteem and anxiety issues. I have been feeling more sad by the situation lately now that I've really taken it in that I've been in the therapist role with him for quite a while. And now that I've stopped I'm not sure if we have is that strong or fulfilling of a relationship. It's been this one way street where I listen to his problems/life issues and then try to help him figure it out. He doesn't necessarily ask me everytime to help but sometimes he does; that's my overall role. Now that I've stopped that I've noticed we don't talk as much. Or it's just him talking about money or on the surface stuff. I am just not into that meaningless kind of conversation. Maybe we're just not compatible when I'm not playing his therapist?? IDK... And when it comes to me going through a tough time I don't feel he cares a whole lot about it. He half listens and kinda changes the topic. I don't think I demand the kind of support I need and deserve. I know I need to do my part in asserting my needs to even give him a chance to fulfill them... So I told him how I feel --that I don't feel that he cares about me and give me the attention I need but I haven't noticed any change. He continues to be self absorbed and worried about himself, obsessively looking for work and looking into going back to school (the search for finding out who he is never ends...) Do I really need to keep reminding him that I'm in the same room and am a person with needs?? I don't know what to do and not sure how long this can go on. Edited July 27, 2010 by LeafLady84
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 And when it comes to me going through a tough time I don't feel he cares a whole lot about it. He half listens and kinda changes the topic. I don't think I demand the kind of support I need and deserve. I know I need to do my part in asserting my needs to even give him a chance to fulfill them... So I told him how I feel --that I don't feel that he cares about me and give me the attention I need but I haven't noticed any change. He continues to be self absorbed and worried about himself, obsessively looking for work and looking into going back to school (the search for finding out who he is never ends...) Do I really need to keep reminding him that I'm in the same room and am a person with needs?? I don't know what to do and not sure how long this can go on. Has he always been like this? What is causing this spiral? Also... you have completely failed to assert your needs. "I sat him down and told him" is not effective. In my opinion that is not trying. This is a guy who is probably worrying himself sick over your futures together. Your perceptions of these events do not mean they are realities. I get the sense that your not giving a really accurate picture of your marriage. If you really want help don't just use this as a blog to rant on. It requires honesty and introspection.
Author LeafLady84 Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Has he always been like this? He's been somewhat depressed for years, but it's been progressively getting worse and worse recently since he's been stressed about money and finding a better career which is his first priority in life. Also... you have completely failed to assert your needs. "I sat him down and told him" is not effective. In my opinion that is not trying. I see what you're saying but you have to realize that I have just recently realized I have been neglected emotionally in the relationship. I am used to taking care of other people and not thinking my needs were worth attending to. I take care of myself after other people. So asserting my needs to ANYONE does not come naturally to me. I had to work really hard to tell him how I felt about our relationship and it wasn't a short conversation and it was very heart felt on my part. I try to be a very strong and non-needy person so expressing my needs is VERY difficult. I am aware that this is a fault in myself and don't claim otherwise. This is me hitting rock bottom and realizing what I was doing before (helping him find himself etc...) was not working and I needed to stop and try something new (asserting myself). Your perceptions of these events do not mean they are realities. I get the sense that your not giving a really accurate picture of your marriage. My perspective is all I can give... I think that's all anyone can expect of any person. If you really want help don't just use this as a blog to rant on. It requires honesty and introspection. I understand this is just my perspective on the situation and I'm not saying my H is a horrible person (I love him and want to help our relationship), but these are my real feelings. I am getting exhausted from the situation and same old relationship roles we have going... I am just now realizing the extent of the roles and I know I engaged in it as well. That is as honest as I can be and I am taking responsibility for my part of our dysfunctional marriage.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I understand this is just my perspective on the situation and I'm not saying my H is a horrible person (I love him and want to help our relationship), but these are my real feelings. I am getting exhausted from the situation and same old relationship roles we have going... I am just now realizing the extent of the roles and I know I engaged in it as well. That is as honest as I can be and I am taking responsibility for my part of our dysfunctional marriage. Sorry I was not trying to beat you up on this. What I was driving at is that from what you have posted here there is just some really key stuff missing. For example... has your husband always been depressive or is this new? What is driving his depression? When it comes to telling him your needs... I think we both realize at this point he won't actually hear you because of the depression. Your going to have to hit him upside the head with a frying pan to get his brain working. Figuratively speaking of course. Your situation is not hopeless. You married this guy for a reason!! If you were already checked out you would not be here. For the record... I think your a fantastic person!
Author LeafLady84 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 I definitely did marry him for a reason and I'm not willing to give up. I took another poster's advice and purchased 'Get the Edge' by Tony Robbins and told by H about it. He's excited about it coming and knows he could use it. That gives me some hope that he's willing to work on himself...he knows he isn't happy living life somewhat aimlessly and knows it's affecting me and our relationship. Untouchable fire: I appreciate your comments encouraging me to look at the bigger picture of how we got to this point. I think it's sometimes hard to see situations completely objectively when we're in them and have been in these situations for so long. I feel like I was giving and giving, all my energy to helping him and it just was not working. I was left feeling exhaused and lost perspective. I need to try a new approach, backing off from trying to help him and let him help himself... I know that's not my job. I'm going to make my new job taking care of myself and giving myself the attention I know I deserve and hopefully he will eventually follow my lead!! Thanks everyone for your advice and insight! This is a work in progress in my life! Hopefully it will just get better from here and I do have hope!!
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