sagetalk Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 The OP actually sounds pretty insecure to me. I disagree. Of all the posts I've read on here (and that is alot) this may be the first post from a girl giving a scenario showing that she doesn't suffer from low self esteem. Her problem is just picking guys which is nowhere near as bad as low self esteem. Most girls in their late teen's/20's tend to suffer from low self esteem and are terrible at choosing men.
threebyfate Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 You are overacting a little, but he should never compare you to other girls even if you ask him to. He was certainly trying to lower your self esteem for his own benefit, good for you for not letting him. Many guys treat girls this way because it keeps the girl humble and lessons the chance that she'll leave because she thinks she can do better. It usually works really well on girls with low self esteem. It appears you have a high self esteem and it didn't work on you. I applaud you for that. You are miles ahead of most single girls your age.I agree that she over-reacted with her response but she should have dumped him. Negging is an indication of a low-esteem man, one that she's better off without.
Sanman Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I'm curious as to what age you both are. It seems as if you both are very caught up in looks and insecurity. If your avatar is any indication, you certainly are an attractive woman. As for an honest opinion, I would venture to guess that he probably isn't in love with you. IME, I can be objective about the looks of a girl I am dating that I am not in love with and am able to find others more attractive. For those women I have fallen in love with, I have found them irresistably attractive regardless of the fact that I did not think they were objectively the most beautiful women I had dated when I first met them. I still find my most recent love (my ex) to be the most attractive woman I know despite it not objectively being true. Love tends to skew your opinion. That said, comparing you to other women and complaining about a minor weight gain is just obnoxious and immature. If he is the one, what is he going to be like when you two get older and looks start to fade?
Author lotus118 Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 The avatar is me. So thank you. And we are both 23. And that's what I told him yesterday when we broke up, I said that any man who is in love with a woman can tell her she is gorgeous without hesitating regardless of what she looks like.
BentSpine Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 For thinking a 5 pound weight gain that can't be controlled suddenly makes me unattractive.First, physical attraction isn't within our conscious control, regardless if could be controlled or not. Shorter men aren't attractive to women who values high stature above all else, it doesn't matter that the short men can't control their height. Second, not all people carry weight well: From experience 7 lbs of fat unfortunately take me from upper end of fit to not getting much female attention at all. Women are visual as well, just as much as men in my view. My point is that it's possible to not appreciate one's partner gaining 7 lbs without being worthy of scorn: we don't have control over how attracted we are.
Phateless Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 The avatar is me. So thank you. And we are both 23. And that's what I told him yesterday when we broke up, I said that any man who is in love with a woman can tell her she is gorgeous without hesitating regardless of what she looks like. Agreed, you look very sexy in your pic. Lotus, I think your ex is not necessarily an *********, but DEFINITELY a moron! Any idiot knows that you don't say these things to your girlfriend. Unfortunately, I think this relationship is toast just because of the associations and how it makes you feel. To me, looks are important but only to the extent that there is attraction. Beyond that, it's all personality. Don't get me wrong, a girl with a bangin' body will make my jaw drop, but that doesn't mean I can stand being around her for long periods of time. You are obviously attractive and you know that. He probably thought he lucked out by finding someone attractive and awesome. Maybe your looks alone didn't win him over, but they definitely didn't hold you back, if that makes sense. I would sleep with a girl I am very attracted to but not into her personality. A girl who's personality I love and am not attracted to at all becomes a friend. A girl who I'm moderately attracted to but personality I love becomes one damn awesome girlfriend. This guy is an idiot for the things he said to you and the way he made you feel. I hope he learned his lesson for his next relationship. Lotus, I think you need to spend some time with yourself and get back to center before you date again. Don't even think of getting back with this guy until you've given yourself some time to process all of this.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 As a side note, I am extremely mad because he is currently balding, is below average in height and has a lot of acne on his face and back and I never once commented on this because I was so head over heels for him and so madly attracted to him in terms of looks and personality, plus when you love someone shouldn't you think they're the effing sh*t anyways, both weaknesses and strengths? I accepted him as the whole package. And he viewed me as his mediocre looking girlfriend with an awesome personality. I feel degraded. Umm... The guy is just a massive jerk. I think your real issues are from trauma, and self esteem. I think there are some things you really, really need to work on. Your definitely pretty enough... and you know it... yet you fixate on it. Who cares if you fluctuate 5 lbs. Most guys wont care. Also, you should be happy that he thinks you have a great personality. That is worth more than being pretty any day. I've met hundreds of pretty girls who were just CRAP in the personality department.
Phateless Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I've met hundreds of pretty girls who were just CRAP in the personality department. Totally agree, lol.
harmfulsweetz Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 You are very beautiful. So, don't let him tell you different. I'm glad you got out. I think even though what you described in one of your posts depicts a rather nice relationship aside from all of this, this would have nagged you in the back of your mind and made you feel 'not good enough'. You want to be with someone who thinks you're 'it' whatever 'it' is, not someone who can pick and choose which parts of you he likes. A guy who loves you loves you for all of you, desires you, etc. I know not every guy is going to find every girl attractive, it doesn't happen that way, but if you want a lasting relationship, he must find you physically attractive or it will drain your self-esteem. You're better than that. You would both be selling each other short. Anything less than what you want and need and you're disrespecting yourself. He is immature. Most people measure their weights in a 5 pound radius, i.e. they are happy if they stay within 5 pounds of their ideal weight, either more or less, etc. What would he say if you got pregnant? I mean, this weight was out of your control, as would pregnancy weight be, if he says it now, he'd say it then. It's not asking too much to expect your man to find you beautiful, it's not.
Author lotus118 Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Here is the complex that I am going through though. Most girls I know complain that their boyfriends or men in general sexualize them or commodify them due to their looks and bodies and they want to find a guy that will treat them like people and value their minds and personalities as opposed to just viewing them as arm candy or a hot trophy girlfriend. I feel like I went through the exact opposite in a way. I was told that I was a good, pure, honest person. That I have a great heart and a great sense of humor. I was told that I am articulate and intelligent and extremely well rounded. Any positive characteristic you can associate with a woman or even man's personality, that's what I identified as. And I like being considered witty, smart, funny, nice etc. But you know my million and one guy friends and all my female friends as well as various strangers and family members have told me the same thing. So all I wanted was to feel banging hot to a guy that I loved and sexually desired. Not in the "I am better than everyone else, suck up to me please" kind of way but just like every man loves it when a girl says "you are so sexy; good in bed; handsome; desirable; strong." ESPECIALLY if it's their significant others, I too yearn to be considered a goddess or gorgeous or hot or sexy to my boyfriend. It's natural. It's carnal perhaps but that's how I function and I feel most other people do too. That all being said, I never want a guy to say, "I am sorry, I love you but I just can't call you THAT hot." or whatever. I never want to have every ounce of my personal apperance numerically assigned a 7 again. I never want all the effort and investment I put into my body (which is a temple mind you) be overlooked or ignored. I used to compare myself to other women and celebrities and say things like "I need this plastic surgery or I need this kind of lipo here" but this is what I realized: I have a bump on my nose and chubby cheeks but I have giant gorgeous Bangladeshi eyes with long lashes. I have tiny lips but I have straight, white teeth and a killer smile. I have cellulite and stretchmarks and scars and stitches but I have a great natural rack and wide hips and great skin and bouncy, shiny curls. And I love that. No one looks like me but me so why pine for J-Lo's ass or Megan Fox's eyes or some other person's great attribute. Their attributes are not MY strong attributes. And I have to own them and make them unique and original and simply my own. I wakeup everyday and wash my face, and I like my reflection. And all I wanted was a guy to not only like that reflection but choose that reflection over all others and not want anything changed about it. When I love someone, even that person's imperfections become sexy and hot and desirable and perfect to me. And after everything I went through and all the comments that were unfairly made to me, I feel like maybe I would rather go for a guy who thinks I am just another pretty face and hot body than an amazing person. It sounds shallow but my logic is that even if the guy doesn't care about my funny jokes, or articulated opinions or drive or ambitions, he will never say "This girl is so much hotter than you, you'd be more attractive if you changed this about yourself, you need tanner skin or a sexier look or makeup" or whatever other visual commodification you can think of. I don't want to be viewed as a human with dreams and goals, I just want to be that one girl a guy can look at and say "damn, you are so hot, I am so lucky to be with you and when we walk down the street, I am so proud to be standing next to you." I am insane. But being degraded or not being taken seriously about any aspect of your looks or personality hurts. Right now I feel like I am the funny, fat girlfriend or plain jane with a killer personality. And I want to be a sexy, vampy, hot commodity that a guy just can't get out of his head. Damn, how did I ever let it get to this point? lol. 1
Sanman Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) Hmmm...Some interesting comments Lotus. I hear a few conflicted opinons in what you are saying. Do you only want to be seen as hot/sexy or do you want to be seen as hot/sexy and a wonderful, caring, intelligent person. The former suggests that you might be a little hurt and unwillingto open up to someone who really loves you. The latter is something that is healthy and you should desire. The way I have always viewed relationships is this (take from it what you will): Nice/intelligent/caring person that I am not very attracted to = friend Hot/sexy girl with no personality traits I admire = Fling Hot/sexy girl that has all the personality traits I want in a partner = relationship I don't think wanting to be hot/sexy to your SO is wrong. BUt, he should also be able to respect you and your personality traits. As a complete side rant: What is it with women that makes them so want to change themselves? I have recently heard so many beautiful women I know uncomfortable with their physical appearance. Curvy/petite, brunette/blonde/raven haired, short/tall, straight hair/curls. The beauty is in the confidence and making what you have work for you. I just get really tired of watching otherwise beautiful women change themselves to look completely generic and not stand out from others when their individual natural beauty is what would have made them stand out in the first place. Edited July 13, 2010 by Sanman
threebyfate Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 lotus, notice how you were so offended when your ex mentioned how he wasn't attracted when you gained 5 lb.? How do you think this would differ if you found a superficial guy who thinks you're hot now but if you gain 5 lbs again, will probably have issues with this? What you're considering is counterproductive to a healthy emotional state. Better to source your validation from within yourself or from things you've accomplished. The more you try to source externally through something as transient as looks, the worse your partner selection will get. Something deep inside of you is telling you "you're not worthy". Where did it come from? Until you answer where it came from, it will be difficult to change.
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