Attraction, Looks, Personality and Breaking Up

[lotus118]

I am not sure where to start.

 

Here it goes, if even for my very own sanity:

 

I was dating a guy very seriously for about 4 months and can honestly say I was starting to think he was "the one." You know, someone I could eventually settle down with and be with for the rest of my life. He had every quality I had ever looked for in a guy: warm, compassionate, understanding, nurturing, patient, etc.

 

Everything was great, he loved my personality and said I was one of the funniest and smartest girls he had ever met and loved how open-minded and laidback I was. The only problem was that usually I am used to getting a good amount of attention from guys not only due to my personality but looks too. I am not saying I am a "10" or supermodel by any means but I consider myself to be well above average and happy with my body and looks. I don't expect everyone to think I am beautiful but since it's always been a huge issue for me to finally "own" my body and face, (I went through cystic acne, used to be chubby, I have hormone imbalance issues, I've been through rape and a lot of verbally/emotionally abusive relationships as well as a very negative relationship with an alcoholic father) to the very least, I want a significant other or boyfriend to consider me gorgeous or beautiful. It isn't for the sake of vanity necessarily or some kind of much needed ego boost, its just a deep down necessity of mine to be desired and lusted after or be considered breath taking to a guy that I am very seriously involved with. Only his and my opinion would count in this issue, no one else's.

 

So that's where it begins.

 

I workout regularly and watch what I eat, I have clear skin and healthy hair and take care of it, I dress up and wear makeup and go tanning outside when I get a chance. I am not fat or don't have deformities or anything of that nature and put an effort into what I wear. I like my facial features and the fact that I have an average sized body with a prominent chest and hips. I like me. It took me a long time to be able to say that.

 

When I first started dating this guy, he said he liked certain characteristics on women. Tan skin, straight, black hair, a bigger butt, an exotic/ethnic look, someone who is promiscuous looking. This innately bothered me because I have light skin, heavily highlighted curly hair, an average sized butt and I have a very cute/fresh-faced look. It didn't start bothering me heavily until I realized he never complimented me on my looks or ever called me hot or beautiful. Whenever I questioned it, he would say he liked my personality much more than my looks because I am that amazing and a "rare" find.

 

Then one day, he would usually talk about girls we both mutually knew from his college and rank them by saying if they were "hot" or "not" and what he did and didn't like about their bodies, I would chime in because I have a lot of male friends and don't easily feel threatened by guys checking out other women because I never felt like a guy checking out another woman automatically means he finds me less attractive. He also watches porn which I am not opposed to because I know most men do and that unless it's affecting the sex life, it usually isn't an issue.

 

That all being said, he once claimed that a few Indian girls were considered "better looking" than me which caused me to become greatly disturbed since he was directly comparing me to them in front of my face. It got worse when I was diagnosed with PCOS and had a 5 pound vanity weight flunctuation that cannot necessarily be controlled with diet and exercise (trust me I tried) and he said he wasn't as attracted to me when I gained that little bit of pudge because he felt like I was "letting myself go." It got worse when he said I was a "7" without makeup on and an "8.4" with makeup on while other girls we knew were "9's."

 

I was very insecure at first about not being seen without makeup but I decided he was different since I could see him being husband material and now that he saw me bare-faced and in my natural state without being dolled up or with my hair done, I was suddenly just deemed a "7".

 

I started conciously comparing myself to those girls and suddenly started thinking about starving myself and googling articles like "how to look slutty" or "how to be hotter." I also started feeling insecure because I now feel ugly without makeup or because I have lighter skin and less exotic features than the average Indian girl. When I brought this all up to his attention and cried hysterically on the phone, he apologized and said he felt bad for hurting me and that he wouldn't do it again. But when I asked him why he said those things and why he didn't find me gorgeous or hot or beautiful, he said "Haven't you ever dated someone solely on personality? I am not saying you are busted (butt ugly) but what attracted me to you was your sense of humor and intellect. I think its shallow for you to want me to think you are gorgeous or hot because I don't and I can't help that. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who laughs at your jokes or finds you intelligent than someone who just simply thinks you are hot?"

 

I broke up with him. For comparing me to other girls that he found more attractive. For thinking a 5 pound weight gain that can't be controlled suddenly makes me unattractive. For giving me a "rank" on what I look like naturally. For constantly bringing up his ex. For saying he doesn't consider me gorgeous or beautiful or hot. For constantly critiquing what my body looked like, i.e. "your stomach looks bigger, you gained weight on your butt but its in the wrong places, you are really pale."

 

Am I vain for breaking up with a guy because he isn't attracted to me physically or is he vain for not being able to tell his girlfriend that she's beautiful? I feel really unattractive, insecure, jealous, hurt, depressed and unworthy right now. I keep thinking about all the times I was rejected, dumped or abused and feel like its my fault. I have no desire to go to the gym or make myself up because I feel like there's no point, its never enough. If a guy claims to want to marry me and says that he loves me can't call me beautiful than how can I? I want answers.

 

Maybe I am just a very shallow or superficial girl and I needed a reality check or maybe he really is a total jerk for disrespecting me. Was I right in breaking up with him or was it dumb and vain on my part?

 

As a side note, I am extremely mad because he is currently balding, is below average in height and has a lot of acne on his face and back and I never once commented on this because I was so head over heels for him and so madly attracted to him in terms of looks and personality, plus when you love someone shouldn't you think they're the effing sh*t anyways, both weaknesses and strengths? I accepted him as the whole package. And he viewed me as his mediocre looking girlfriend with an awesome personality. I feel degraded.

[ahashakeheartbreak]

No, you're not wrong. He is a jerk. Simple as that. Inside does matter more, yes. But, talking about how pretty other girls are shows that he is more fixated on the outer apperance, which is contrary to what he would tell you, that your personality was more important.

A good guy would 1) Not make you feel bad 2) Be honest with you, but point out things about your looks that he DID like, he should have found postives 3) Not look/rate other girls' looks.

 

Sorry that he made you feel badly, no one has the right to do that to you, and that alone shows that your decision was the right one.

Edited July 12, 2010 by ahashakeheartbreak

[lotus118]

But can a man truly absolutely positively love a girl and truly care for her without thinking "Wow, my girl is a total knockout."? That's my main question. There's plenty of guys who have found me completely and absolutely attractive in every which way possible but could care less about my personality or who I am as a person, on the flipside, maybe he did the opposite and it is unfair for me to hold that against him?

[whatarmy]

You know, I'm just going to be honest.

 

First off, a guy that compares his girlfriend to other girls negatively, by giving you a lower rank, really can't have been in many relationships and doesn't know the first thing about being with a girl, so completely undeserving of you in the first place.

 

Second, I can't ****ing believe he tried to make you feel bad by saying haven't you ever been with someone solely based on personality! He actually admits he is not sexually attracted to you, and I'm sorry I had to say because it will feel like **** to read that, but come on, your grandmother might have a nice personality, does that mean he's gonna ask her out too?

 

This is absolute bull****, he sits there and passes negative judgement without ever taking one look in the mirror and self assessing, meaning he takes you for granted.

 

You, my dear, are not vain, you have become self conscious because of the cards life has dealt you and you've worked hard to get where you are now physically and mentally, so yeah, a little ****ing appreciation would go a long way.

 

Move on, but before you jump into the next relationship you need to think of why you attract *******s and if you are repeating the same mistakes again,it isn't abuse but he has made you doubt yourself and brought down your self esteem.