sruben Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Hey, for anyone here who has read "The Five Love Languages" (I have not, but I did buy it, and have read a condensed version of the five languages): How many people are there who do not have a "primary" love language? My W knows my primary language is Touch, followed probably by Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service equally. Gifts and Quality Time are great, too, but not my primaries. I asked her which is her primary (this was after hearing a sermon where the pastor talked about the book and the languages and how he and his W weren't understanding each others' until they read the book together) -- She told me that she doesn't really have one. I asked her if she could complete this sentence, "I feel most loved by my spouse when..." She said she couldn't think of one thing which does that for her, so I asked her for just examples. She couldn't do it. We had another long talk that night, which was good. One of the things which she seems to finally "get" is that I don't know how to walk the balance with her between leading (which I'm told most women want) and "controlling" (which most women DON'T want -- and I know she doesn't). After going around that one for awhile, she finally said that she understands where I'm coming from -- that she "doesn't make it easy" for me in regard to that. We didn't really get any further than that, but at least that's something. So, is it possible that she really doesn't have a "primary" love language? Or is she maybe just not very in touch with herself? I told her that I love her, but don't really know how to show her. This was after she told me that, although she knows mine is Touch (as evidenced by me kissing her at random times throughout the day), but she said she sees kissing as intimate and only done at certain times, doesn't want it throughout the day. She doesn't want it during lovemaking, either (although we do somewhat during foreplay). I'm very confused...
norajane Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Is your marriage in trouble? Because, to me, it sounds like she is saying there is NOTHING you can do to make her feel loved. If neither touch nor words nor acts nor gifts nor time together are anything she wants or needs from you, maybe she isn't interested in you at all. You said she doesn't want to kiss you during sex...when I'm like that, it means I'm not happy with the person I'm having sex with, not attracted to them, don't want the intimacy and don't feel good about them and don't want to "give" of myself to them. This is almost always followed by a break-up and me walking away. And you posted in Infidelity. Is there infidelity in this marriage?
Owl Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 She has a primary love language...or she has a couple of them. The REAL problem here is that she doesn't want you to meet them. Either she knows what makes her feel loved...but has no desire to share that with you in order to allow you to make her feel loved BY YOU......or, she doesn't care enough about you to even consider trying to think about it and answer the question. She's intentionally maintaining an emotional gap between the two of you by avoiding answering the question. You could circumvent this somewhat by considering what OM did that made her feel loved by him during the affair. But that won't negate the fact that she's just not willing to let YOU love her.
Author sruben Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Is your marriage in trouble? Because, to me, it sounds like she is saying there is NOTHING you can do to make her feel loved. Well, I'm not trying to portray that, I did leave out that she said that it wasn't just "one thing", that she didn't believe in "formulas". We have had problems recently, yes. Trying to work on them. If neither touch nor words nor acts nor gifts nor time together are anything she wants or needs from you, maybe she isn't interested in you at all. I don't think that's the case, I mean, since we had that discussion, she's been doing LOTS of touching and occasionally initiating ILY's. If she weren't interested at all, I assume she'd leave me alone. But I am having trouble (always have as far as I can remember) figuring out what she wants or needs from me. Last year, we went through part of His Needs, Her Needs, she said that what Harley listed as the top five needs of a typical W did not match her. I tried in vain to find out just what her top emotional needs are...just caused fights. You said she doesn't want to kiss you during sex...when I'm like that, it means I'm not happy with the person I'm having sex with, not attracted to them, don't want the intimacy and don't feel good about them and don't want to "give" of myself to them. This is almost always followed by a break-up and me walking away. Actually, what she wants less than kissing is talk -- doesn't want sweet nothings, or sexy talk, or anything. She's pretty much focused on reaching orgasm (which I regularly give her, though not directly through intercourse -- she's clitorally stimulated, not vaginally, which I understand is consistent with the majority being clitorally stim'd if I understand what I've read right). And you posted in Infidelity. Is there infidelity in this marriage? She says no, but I've had reason to believe that there was last summer at the very least. We've kind of been on the rocks sexually for the past 4 years, although the first 4 year I thought we were fine. I was kind of shocked 4 years ago to find out we weren't...
Author sruben Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 She has a primary love language...or she has a couple of them. The REAL problem here is that she doesn't want you to meet them. I do hope that's not the case. In any case, she does seem to want to meet mine, though, which I didn't say in the previous post. I've come to realize that my posts are giving a slanted view of my M in that I'm not posting anything positive (and there are positive aspects to it), so I'm trying to balance that out more lately. Either she knows what makes her feel loved...but has no desire to share that with you in order to allow you to make her feel loved BY YOU......or, she doesn't care enough about you to even consider trying to think about it and answer the question. Again, I would hate it if that were the case, and I hope it's not. I spoke to her on the phone around lunchtime. She said she'd been going through the M related books in her bookshelf and found Five Languages. Our pastor had recommended reading it together (she was about to start on her own, I told her I'd like to read it together). Evidently, she's been thinking about this topic, too, and is willing to go through the book with me -- maybe to figure it out? She's intentionally maintaining an emotional gap between the two of you by avoiding answering the question. I'll have a better idea of this once we get through the book. You could circumvent this somewhat by considering what OM did that made her feel loved by him during the affair. If I could ever get her to admit to such a thing. She's still vehemently denying she'd ever do such a thing. Says I'm making myself sick over something that didn't happen. Tells me what didn't happen last summer, but doesn't tell me anything about what did. From my POV, she basically fell into a black hole last year from late Feb-Jun, didn't talk about anything that was going on at work... But that won't negate the fact that she's just not willing to let YOU love her. If you're right, then that's what it would mean. I hope I find out you're not right. We'll see if she opens up any...
Owl Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 If you're right, then that's what it would mean. I hope I find out you're not right. We'll see if she opens up any... I do wish you luck. I'm not often wrong on stuff like this, but it does happen. I'd be glad to see me wrong, and things work out for you.
Church Bells Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 So, we now have ANOTHER thread dedicated to sruben's book reading, hand wringing and belly button gazing. How many is this now? ... on how many different forums? Don't you EVER get tired of doing the SAME things, and getting the SAME results???
Author sruben Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) So, we now have ANOTHER thread dedicated to sruben's book reading, hand wringing and belly button gazing. How many is this now? ... on how many different forums? Don't you EVER get tired of doing the SAME things, and getting the SAME results??? Hey, if you don't want to participate, please feel free to ignore my posts. I am here to gain understanding of a complex situation, examine myself and learn. You seem to think that I should just D my W and move on with life, having learned nothing. Have you learned anything from your W's A? I think you should work on either forgiving your W or not and stop worrying about what I'm doing or not doing that you think I should... Edited July 12, 2010 by sruben Corrected material of fact and ETA more appropriate suggestion
turnera Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 IMO, certain people are VERY self-focused; i.e. VERY SELFISH. They GIVE to you when it HELPS THEM. Otherwise, just keep out of their way. IMO, that is your wife. You'll be lucky to keep doing whatever it is that makes this marriage worth staying in; and if you ever reach the point where what YOU offer isn't good enough any more, she will leave you. I see it time and time again, and the personality fits, each time. I'll love you as long as it gets me what I want. THAT is her love language.
Confused4Now Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Hey, if you don't want to participate, please feel free to ignore my posts. I am here to gain understanding of a complex situation, examine myself and learn. You seem to think that I should just D my W and move on with life, having learned nothing. Have you learned anything from your W's A? I think you should work on either forgiving your W or not and stop worrying about what I'm doing or not doing that you think I should...Now that's the best advice I've seen on along time....hahahaha
vestigalvirgin Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 sruben, it strikes me that you may be excessively oriented on process rather than objectives. I think pop psych books like the one you are talking about are fine where the marriage needs some fine-tuning or there are some very specific and well-defined issues which the parties need help in communicating with each other to address. However all such approaches and books are based on the essential premise that the two partners in the marriage generally share the same broad goals for the marriage. If your wife refuses to communicate with you, whether using the five love languages as a basis, or some other facilitating approach, there's not a whole lot you are going to be able to do about it. You can't force her to be in the marriage with you. She has to want to try to be, at least.
Author sruben Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 sruben, it strikes me that you may be excessively oriented on process rather than objectives. I think pop psych books like the one you are talking about are fine where the marriage needs some fine-tuning or there are some very specific and well-defined issues which the parties need help in communicating with each other to address. However all such approaches and books are based on the essential premise that the two partners in the marriage generally share the same broad goals for the marriage. If your wife refuses to communicate with you, whether using the five love languages as a basis, or some other facilitating approach, there's not a whole lot you are going to be able to do about it. You can't force her to be in the marriage with you. She has to want to try to be, at least. I hear you! I clearly need to ask her what her objectives are in the M -- last year after the big fight and after she didn't come home for supper that one day, telling me that DD7 & I were "on our own", she told me the next day that she thought about it and wanted to stay in the M. She also said that she didn't want to move again (had just gotten her office reorganized like she likes it -- that part of things left me a little uncomfortable). Sometimes I wonder if her goals for the M are that I provide a stable base of operations from which she can live out the rest of her life, and I wonder how much of ME she actually wants in it. Something I need to explore with her. I have no intention of trying to force her to do anything. I'm actually glad that reading Five Languages was her idea (although I'd considered reading it last year without her). Maybe a sign that she really does want to TRY...? But your point about process vs. objective is a good one, one that I'll take with me. Thanks.
turnera Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Sometimes I wonder if her goals for the M are that I provide a stable base of operations from which she can live out the rest of her life, and I wonder how much of ME she actually wants in it. Something I need to explore with her. Exactly what I was trying to say. You are convenient. Having a child is convenient, as it allows you to play mommy and get kudos for it. Until it isn't. And she leaves.
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