YellowShark Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I kinda know the answers but I am looking to see if my moral compass is still ok I guess. In a nutshell: MM was a good friend with a wife who will give birth next month - (August 2010.) My EX and I had a seven-year relationship. I have been told that MM with pregnant wife have some sort of "open" relationship. My Ex and I did not. Yet somehow MM and my EX began a EA.. that went physical. They both worked part-time so I guess it grew and grew while I and pregnant wife were at work full time during the days. We lived across the street from each other so there was plenty of time and opportunity. Sadly I caught MM and my EX red-handed on our deck at 3:30am making out, after a dinner party at MM's place. I told his pregnant wife the next day and she went home after our talk to confront her husband. He claims it never happened, she then asked my EX who also claims it never happened. So pregnant wife sides with her cheating husband and my cheating ex. The theory between the three is that I am "crazy with jealousy and a nutcase." But I checked the EX's phone and saw the sexts between MM and my EX, I also caught them red-handed on the deck and moved out four days later after 7 years together. So it did happen, I have no illusions about that. Yet all three of them are maintaining the "cover story" amongst our social group and friendly neighbours that I am the bad guy with the issues in all this. Do you think it'll all blow up in their faces eventually? What do you think will happen once the baby is born? Or will this affair continue even after the baby is born since MM and wife have some sort of "open" relationship, and I am no longer "in the picture" as they say. (Personally I think the entire thing is reprehensible and morally bankrupt, and that's why I walked on a 7-year relationship... it just crossed too many social and ethical red lines for me.) Anyhow... I am curious what people's thoughts are on this here.
NoIDidn't Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Need some clarity. You are NOT a woman, right? Because it sounds like you mean M "OM" as your EX is a woman and was cheating with the EX, not that you are the one that was in the A.
Author YellowShark Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Need some clarity. You are NOT a woman' date=' right? Because it sounds like you mean M "OM" as your EX is a woman and was cheating with the EX, not that you are the one that was in the A.[/quote'] Sorry. I'm new to all these acronyms. The answer is yes, I am a man, mid 40's. My EX is a woman, mid 40's. And MM (married man) & pregnant wife are just entering their 40's. So it's not like a bunch of teens or 20-somethings who are involved in this incestuous affair.
TOWinNYC Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Do you think it'll all blow up in their faces eventually? What do you think will happen once the baby is born? Or will this affair continue even after the baby is born since MM and wife have some sort of "open" relationship, and I am no longer "in the picture" as they say. Well, if the married couple has an "open" R, maybe not (it won't blow up in their faces). Maybe they like it that way - she gets the social facade and status of being "married" w/kid and he gets the same, plus extra. Or the "openess" can actually INCLUDE your exGF...who knows what goes on behind closed doors. But as you admitted, this type of situation doesn't work for YOU and you've taken yourself out of it. I think that's the most important part of the whole equation. At that point, who cares what "they" (the M couple & exGF) do???? (of course, it doesn't minimize the trauma you went/are going thru and I don't mean to trivialize that....)
Author YellowShark Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Well, if the married couple has an "open" R, maybe not (it won't blow up in their faces). Maybe they like it that way - she gets the social facade and status of being "married" w/kid and he gets the same, plus extra. Or the "openess" can actually INCLUDE your exGF...who knows what goes on behind closed doors. This is what I suspect. But it is socially and morally unacceptable to me, and frankly none of them asked me if it was ok. They just went and did it behind my back and betrayed me. Three people I trusted implicitly. But as you admitted, this type of situation doesn't work for YOU and you've taken yourself out of it. I think that's the most important part of the whole equation. At that point, who cares what "they" (the M couple & exGF) do???? (of course, it doesn't minimize the trauma you went/are going thru and I don't mean to trivialize that....) I don't think you are trivializing. No offence taken. Frankly I think it is sickening beyond belief that at one of the most memorable moments of your life - (the first child) - you become involved in an affair with a friend's long-term girlfriend. Certainly a healthy mature adult would concentrate on his pregnant wife and unborn child at this milestone in his life. As far as my EX girlfriend goes, she can rot in hell for the rest of her life for betraying me and getting involved with a married man who's wife is about to give birth. That is simply disgusting, and so selfish that I have a hard time even processing it.
linwood Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I don't think you are trivializing. No offence taken. Frankly I think it is sickening beyond belief that at one of the most memorable moments of your life - (the first child) - you become involved in an affair with a friend's long-term girlfriend. Certainly a healthy mature adult would concentrate on his pregnant wife and unborn child at this milestone in his life. Perhaps if you had the power to define what a healthy mature adult was you`d have a point. However many people find many different ways to live their lives. Your girlfriend cheated on you and your friends betrayed you. That is the morally unacceptable part. The open relationship is quite ethical if all parties are in the loop. It`s odd you feel their lifestyle is more of an affront than their betrayal. Dump them all and move on.
Secure Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I kinda know the answers but I am looking to see if my moral compass is still ok I guess. In a nutshell: MM was a good friend with a wife who will give birth next month - (August 2010.) My EX and I had a seven-year relationship. I have been told that MM with pregnant wife have some sort of "open" relationship. My Ex and I did not. Yet somehow MM and my EX began a EA.. that went physical. They both worked part-time so I guess it grew and grew while I and pregnant wife were at work full time during the days. We lived across the street from each other so there was plenty of time and opportunity. Sadly I caught MM and my EX red-handed on our deck at 3:30am making out, after a dinner party at MM's place. I told his pregnant wife the next day and she went home after our talk to confront her husband. He claims it never happened, she then asked my EX who also claims it never happened. So pregnant wife sides with her cheating husband and my cheating ex. The theory between the three is that I am "crazy with jealousy and a nutcase." But I checked the EX's phone and saw the sexts between MM and my EX, I also caught them red-handed on the deck and moved out four days later after 7 years together. So it did happen, I have no illusions about that. Yet all three of them are maintaining the "cover story" amongst our social group and friendly neighbours that I am the bad guy with the issues in all this. Do you think it'll all blow up in their faces eventually? What do you think will happen once the baby is born? Or will this affair continue even after the baby is born since MM and wife have some sort of "open" relationship, and I am no longer "in the picture" as they say. (Personally I think the entire thing is reprehensible and morally bankrupt, and that's why I walked on a 7-year relationship... it just crossed too many social and ethical red lines for me.) Anyhow... I am curious what people's thoughts are on this here. This is an example why speaking with the female BS can be a waste of time. Why? Because here you saw them with your own eyes, and she still refuses to believe her husband cheated on her. Ridiculous. Don't even worry about them. Most likely she will "show" the world how "happy" her marriage is and your ex and MM will still continue the affair.
Author YellowShark Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 Perhaps if you had the power to define what a healthy mature adult was you`d have a point. However many people find many different ways to live their lives. Point taken. Your girlfriend cheated on you and your friends betrayed you. That is the morally unacceptable part. Definitely. The open relationship is quite ethical if all parties are in the loop. It's my understanding that marriage is a commitment where you say that you shall love and be married to one person. So why get married if you are not going to be monogamous? Either you commit or don't. Can't do both. IMHO if you're "swingers" then that's just a lame excuse for not wanting to be committed to one person. It`s odd you feel their lifestyle is more of an affront than their betrayal. The affront for me is that they are carrying their ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE during a pregnancy. I guess I am old-fashioned linwood and think that's pretty unhealthy behaviour. Not only is that risking the unborn child to STDs, it is a really crappy way to bring up a child - (in a marriage where it's ok for mommy and daddy to bang other people.) Dump them all and move on. Done and done!
Fieldsofgold Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I kinda know the answers but I am looking to see if my moral compass is still ok I guess. In a nutshell: MM was a good friend with a wife who will give birth next month - (August 2010.) My EX and I had a seven-year relationship. I have been told that MM with pregnant wife have some sort of "open" relationship. My Ex and I did not. Yet somehow MM and my EX began a EA.. that went physical. They both worked part-time so I guess it grew and grew while I and pregnant wife were at work full time during the days. We lived across the street from each other so there was plenty of time and opportunity. Sadly I caught MM and my EX red-handed on our deck at 3:30am making out, after a dinner party at MM's place. I told his pregnant wife the next day and she went home after our talk to confront her husband. He claims it never happened, she then asked my EX who also claims it never happened. So pregnant wife sides with her cheating husband and my cheating ex. The theory between the three is that I am "crazy with jealousy and a nutcase." But I checked the EX's phone and saw the sexts between MM and my EX, I also caught them red-handed on the deck and moved out four days later after 7 years together. So it did happen, I have no illusions about that. Yet all three of them are maintaining the "cover story" amongst our social group and friendly neighbours that I am the bad guy with the issues in all this. Do you think it'll all blow up in their faces eventually? What do you think will happen once the baby is born? Or will this affair continue even after the baby is born since MM and wife have some sort of "open" relationship, and I am no longer "in the picture" as they say. (Personally I think the entire thing is reprehensible and morally bankrupt, and that's why I walked on a 7-year relationship... it just crossed too many social and ethical red lines for me.) Anyhow... I am curious what people's thoughts are on this here. First of all, I'm sorry this happened to you. Your story sounds a lot like what happened to me when I was married. H had affair with our co-worker/friend. I caught them in the act, called her H, she gaslighted him and she, her H and my H lied to everyone at work that it never happened, I was crazy, etc. I nearly got fired, had to leave my job. I was 21, our baby was 3 weeks. Eventually, they all got their just rewards. And in retrospect, I was fortunate to get out before I had invested any more time with him. I think that you will be glad you found out and got out now, rather than later.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 First, take this as a lesson to never, ever go to someone and tell them their spouse is cheating on them without physical proof. The spouse will always try to explain it away and call you crazy and the person, wanting to believe the best about their spouse, will take their side. Save the texts, the phone, the pictures, whatever you need and show them to the person. You probably should have done that before you confronted your own ex about it. And don't ever give up on these "old-fashioned" beliefs of yours. I hate open relationships and while I don't want to get into why, let's just say I have baggage in this area as well. I feel like people are always trying to shove the idea down my throat and I value anyone I meet who is opposed to the idea. Real relationships where two people are dedicated to one another only are so valuable and beautiful and I don't want them to become extinct. I don't usually openly criticize someone for being in an open relationship because they aren't me and I don't care, but I've had a LOT of people tell me I was an awful person stuck in day dreams and the past for believing in true love and that monogamous relationships are possible.
fooled once Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I kinda know the answers but I am looking to see if my moral compass is still ok I guess. In a nutshell: MM was a good friend with a wife who will give birth next month - (August 2010.) My EX and I had a seven-year relationship. I have been told that MM with pregnant wife have some sort of "open" relationship. My Ex and I did not. Yet somehow MM and my EX began a EA.. that went physical. They both worked part-time so I guess it grew and grew while I and pregnant wife were at work full time during the days. We lived across the street from each other so there was plenty of time and opportunity. Sadly I caught MM and my EX red-handed on our deck at 3:30am making out, after a dinner party at MM's place. I told his pregnant wife the next day and she went home after our talk to confront her husband. He claims it never happened, she then asked my EX who also claims it never happened. So pregnant wife sides with her cheating husband and my cheating ex. The theory between the three is that I am "crazy with jealousy and a nutcase." But I checked the EX's phone and saw the sexts between MM and my EX, I also caught them red-handed on the deck and moved out four days later after 7 years together. So it did happen, I have no illusions about that. Yet all three of them are maintaining the "cover story" amongst our social group and friendly neighbours that I am the bad guy with the issues in all this. Do you think it'll all blow up in their faces eventually? What do you think will happen once the baby is born? Or will this affair continue even after the baby is born since MM and wife have some sort of "open" relationship, and I am no longer "in the picture" as they say. (Personally I think the entire thing is reprehensible and morally bankrupt, and that's why I walked on a 7-year relationship... it just crossed too many social and ethical red lines for me.) Anyhow... I am curious what people's thoughts are on this here. Your moral compass if just fine! They are the immoral ones. This is an example why speaking with the female BS can be a waste of time. Why? Because here you saw them with your own eyes, and she still refuses to believe her husband cheated on her. Ridiculous. Don't even worry about them. Most likely she will "show" the world how "happy" her marriage is and your ex and MM will still continue the affair. Um...before we start bashing the wife in this case, we all know how convincing these MM can be when confronted. Very few admit it. They tell their wife whatever she needs to hear to keep her calm and 'on his side'. He could have told his wife that the OW was an ugly pig he would never touch. He could have told her he found her flirting with him and in order to not upset the neighborhood, he allowed her to flirt, but he was not interested. We do not know what LIES he told his wife, we don't know how badly he GASLIGHTED her in order to keep his betrayal a secret. I bet he told her "I would never cheat on you - and especially not when you are carrying my child". Eventually, this pig and your ex will get caught. And the wife will one day find you and apologize for not believing you ... but she has of course been loyal to her spouse and he of course did whatever he could to cover his tracks. That is the kind of lying cheat he is.
Ellin Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Eventually, this pig and your ex will get caught. And the wife will one day find you and apologize for not believing you ... but she has of course been loyal to her spouse and he of course did whatever he could to cover his tracks. That is the kind of lying cheat he is. How would you know that?? The OP stated that this man and his pregnant wife likely have an "open" R....
Author YellowShark Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 How would you know that?? The OP stated that this man and his pregnant wife likely have an "open" R.... This may be true. I was told that by mutual friends.. who informed me the pregnant wife and MM both fancied my EX. My EX is quite stunning. To what extent this rumour is true I have never been able to confirm. I simply took it as idle third-hand gossip and dismissed it. A year passed from hearing this gossip to the night I caught MM and my EX. After I moved out 4 days later as we were closing the mutual bank account I did tell my EX that she has gone down a path I cannot follow. I told her that I was once proud to have her on my arm and now she disgusts me. I told her I don't know what the "end game" is once the baby's born, but she's reduced herself to a free whore. She tried to hug me goodbye outside the bank, and I pushed her away. It's been 5 weeks of NC and I am as heartbroken today as I was the night I caught them.
Recommended Posts