young&inlove Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I am looking for advice on something really personal. My husband and I have a very poor sex life. I have always heard the saying that you can’t have a marriage life without a sex life. We don’t have a sex life. I am the one who is always trying to start it up. He usually just tells me one of these: I am too tired I just want to lay here Not tonight.... I am not in the mood It’s too hot You’re turning me on but (again) I am too tired. But the thing I don’t get is, we are 21 years old. We have been married for almost 2 years. I don’t know what I have done to make him not want anything to do with me but it hurts. I feel like he isn’t attracted to me anymore. I have talked to him a number of times about it and he says its not me its just he is stressed out at work. We have bills and things to pay for but the way I see it, if your job is ruining our marriage why would that be worth it. I have tried everything from him coming home to me in lingerie, nakedness, showering together. Everything. I don’t want to give up but it stresses me out. I don’t know what to do or why this is happening. I have been on this site a few times before. My husband cheated on me back in January with my best friend. I got some really great advice too. We are still working through it and I think it is going well... except for this part... Some advice please?
blossom0123 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I've been on the other side of the fence, and in my case it was a matter really bad physical chemistry from the start, combined with lack of communication skills for addressing the issue properly. Hugely frustrating for my husband, of course, but also for me. I've tried to improve, have succeded during some periods and not during others. In your case, though, I wonder if he is cheating on you? Given the history. Not wanting sex is a classical sign of that, do you see other red flags? Did you have a good sex life before? Is there a 'good starting point' that you can work towards together?
Author young&inlove Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 I don’t see any red flags like before. In January, he was texting my friend and when I would see, he would just say she was just talking about me or it was “just something stupid". I don’t think that he would be cheating on me, simply because I know he regrets it everyday (because he tells me everyday) and doesn’t want to be that person. We are very close. We only have one car so we carpool to work and back everyday, we hang out with our friends at the same time and we don’t really have much time alone. I feel like we have good communication skills. I don’t know why this puzzle piece is missing. I think that I am going to just have to sit down with him calmly and talk to him about it.
vestigalvirgin Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 OP, most likely there is no really simple answer given that you're both young, relatively new relationship, yet he has already cheated at least once and now this, lack of interest in sex. He may have all kinds of baggage/psychological issues behind this behavior. Impossible to tell.
blossom0123 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I think that I am going to just have to sit down with him calmly and talk to him about it. Good luck!
Confused98 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 Could it be because he is feeling guilty? Not sure if guilt would make him not want sex but it possible. Everyone reacts differently. If he is stressed you could offer him a massage, just make sure you are naked. Good luck with the talk.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Two books that have worked wonders for our sex life are: 1) The Sex Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743227328 2) 101 Nights of Great Romance by Laura Corn: http://www.amazon.com/101-Nights-Grrreat-Romance-Seductions/dp/0962962821/ref=pd_cp_b_0 Both of these titles have boosted our sex life (at different times) during our marriage... Good Luck, you know you can do this!
spriggig Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Even at the worst of my denying my STBXW sex, I would not have rejected this! I have tried everything from him coming home to me in lingerie, nakedness, showering together.It's probably a combination of things. Porn, lack of sleep, poor diet--which leads to lethargy, too much soy increases estrogen in men and kills the sex drive (is he vegetarian?). I wouldn't discount mixed feelings about the end of the affair, nor would I totally dismiss that he might still be cheating, but just much better at hiding it. Considering your age and what you said above, it doesn't seem like he would find you unattractive, per se--however, IF IF IF you have significant body image problems and are shy in bed or show lack of interest (dead fish) once things start happening, these could be factors. Oh, and yeah, you NEED to get this worked out sooner than later.
jenifer1972 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Well, he's not 'asexual' because he went to the effort to have an affair and not that long ago...I think the truth is going to lie in WHY he had the affair...he sure doesn't sound like someone who is trying to make things right with his wife..
Author young&inlove Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 The only reason I dont think that he is cheating again, is because we are never apart. We like it that way too. We are the best of friends. Without him I am nothing. I talked with him breifly last night about it and I am going to try to "snazz" up the night this weekend. She's_NotInLove_w/Me, thank you so much! I am going to buy these books right now!
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